By Reporter X
Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base grounded all interstellar flights following the unprecedented leak of Justice Samuel Alito’s first draft of a decision to overturn Roe V. Wade.
Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta announced the stoppage and urged all alien crews to cooperate with Inquisitors from the Illuminati and Bolingbrook’s Men in Blue. During her live-streamed announcement, Alexander-Basta said: “I would like to remind all of our visitors it is not our custom to steal documents from the Supreme Court and deliver them to a news site. While the United States doesn’t have a state religion, disrespecting the highest court is considered blasphemous. Even implying that the justices are political appointees is considered disrespectful. If any of you were involved in this theft, please turn yourself in now before I really get mad and make you regret being born.”
While some crews have cooperated, others have refused. Xlopo of Proxima Centauri said, “Under the Treaty of Kelly-Hopkinsville, humans cannot search a ship without a warrant. This overrides Clow’s Terms and Conditions, even if we broke their airlock seal. I’m sorry they’re mad someone leaked the expected ruling of one paper priest, but wrecking my ship won’t solve or change anything.”
Pogost, a ship commander from the Free Planets of Ongust, criticized the alleged ruling: “The freedom to choose when and if to have offspring is essential to all intelligent beings. If I teleported into a human’s home and said: ‘Hi. I have five heartbeats. You must take care of me for at least 18 Earth years,’ we know what would happen. Either the inhabitants or the Men in Blue would abort my stay. If this keeps up, Earth can forget about being accepted into the Commonwealth.”
Xeble, who asked that we not identify his homeworld, offered harsher criticism: “This decree is further proof that the U.S. Electoral College is harmful to humanity. This alleged sacred constitutional document allows someone to win a Presidential election without winning the majority of votes. Not only that, but it also does nothing to ensure that this person has the expertise and temperament necessary to run a country armed with nuclear weapons. And this elected person nominates the priests that will ‘interpret’ how to apply outdated rules to the present? And humans are supposed to trust these priests to be unbiased? If we didn’t need Lady Gaga MP3s, I would avoid Earth.”
Sources inside Clow expect the ground stop to be lifted by Thursday. None of them would confirm the validity of the alleged ruling.
After her speech, Alexander-Basta released a statement to the interstellar media. Part of it read: “Please don’t make me take sides in this cultural war issue. Abortion will still be legal in Illinois and inside Clow. If you want an abortion, you can have one. If you don’t, we won’t force you to get one. Fnord!”
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.
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