While the world anxiously wonders if Russian President Vladimir Putin will invade Ukraine, Russian covert operatives clashed with Bolingbrook’s Snow Command last week.

According to anonymous Snow Command employees, Russian operatives attempted to hamper snow removal efforts. They also recorded propaganda videos accusing Snow Command of committing “atrocities.” 

Peter, who asked that we not use his real name, claims operatives filmed a propaganda video while he was plowing a side street. After his plow destroyed a mailbox, he claims three men rushed out from behind a snowbank. One man lay down on the ground and placed a piece of debris over his abdomen. The second man poured ketchup on the first man. Then the third man started filming. Peter stopped and reversed his plow.

“I was just going to tell them there was no need to be so dramatic,” said Peter. “They just need to file a claim with the village. But I heard the guy with the camera speaking in Russian. He accused me of deliberately hurting the guy on the ground. When I yelled at them, the guy pretending to provide first aid covered his ears and fell down. The camera guy shook his camera and yelled, ‘Sonic attack” in Russian. When I drove off, I saw all three of them in my rearview mirror running away.”

Annette, who asked that we didn’t use her last name, also witnessed Russian operatives recording in her neighborhood:

“After the snowplow made a snow pile in front of my driveway, these three guys dressed in black started digging into it. I thought they were being nice until one of them laid down in the hole they made. Another man pretended to dig that guy out, while the camera guy accused the plow driver of burying a Russian immigrant. He also accused the driver of being Ukrainian. So I told them that if they cleaned my driveway after filming their video, I wouldn’t call the FBI on them. They may have been filming propaganda to justify a horrific war, but they did a great job cleaning my driveway!”

Lou, a snowplow driver for Snow Command, claims Russian operatives tried to disrupt his route. According to Lou, he claims a pickup truck pulled in front of him and skidded to a stop:

“I barely stopped before hitting the pickup truck. I leaned out the window and yelled, ‘What’s wrong with you people?’ Then I noticed a cameraman in the truck’s bed. He thanked me for the dramatic footage and for saying something they can twist. Then he drove off. I have a bad feeling that I’m going to be featured in a Russian false flag operation. Please let your readers know I don’t hate all people. I just hate people who don’t know how to drive near a snowplow.”

According to sources within Village Hall, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta responded with a Zoom call to Putin. They also provided a partial transcript:

Alexander-Basta: As a global woman of excellence, I insist you stop harassing Snow Command. Leave us out of your propaganda!

Putin: Could you speak up?

Alexander-Basta: Could you move closer to the speaker? I’m on Zoom. There’s no need for you to sit at your long table.

Putin: (Speaks in Russian)

Translator: It is Russian tradition not to sit close to anyone who refuses to provide a DNA sample.

Alexander-Basta: I doubt that.

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed. In the background, a woman held up a cutout of Alexander-Basta to her face and approached Trustee Sheldon Watts.

Woman: (Imitating Alexander-Basta’s voice): I’m inviting my supporters over to your house for a ‘Legitimate Political Discourse.’ What do you have to say?

Watts: I’m kind of busy right now, Charlene.

Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer: Sorry, the word we were looking for was “No.”

Watts: What?

Spencer: You’ve been voting with Mayor Mary too often. If you don’t find a way to distinguish yourself from the Something Bolingbrook Something First Something Party, you’re not going to be reelected… Unless you’re planning on begging for (Former Mayor Roger Claar’s) forgiveness!

Watts: Charlene, I’ve told you before, it’s too early to think about the 2023 election. I will not oppose Mayor Basta’s platform for purely political reasons.

Spencer: Not to stop her from appointing trustees?

Watts: Charlene. I like Trustee Jean Kelly. She’s had more years of community service work than you.

Charlene: You’ll be back to community service work if you don’t start voting no. Think about it from a voter’s perspective. “Wow. Mayor Mary is always right. She says I should vote for these three candidates. Sheldon says we should reelect him, but Mayor Mary says we shouldn’t. There’s no difference between her candidates and Sheldon. Why should I stop trusting her now?”

Watts: Some days you really get on my nerves.

Charlene: Fine. You can vote with her all you like then. I’ll have my new bots tell a different story in Bolingbrook Politics.

Watts: No!

Charlene: I knew that word was in your vocabulary.

Also in the Babbler:

UFO traffic diverted from Ukraine to Clow UFO Base
Editorial: Overfunding the police won’t fix crime
Palatine Township: No aid for shapeshifters
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/23/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.