By Reporter X
Russian Interceptors attacked a spacecraft from the Large Magellanic Cloud and followed it to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. The craft crash-landed at Clow, and the interceptors eventually left Bolingbrook.
“That was exciting,” said Donna K. Smith, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs. “Thanks to the professionalism of our pilots and ground crew, we had no causalities, and we avoided World War III. This is why Bolingbrook is exceptional.”
According to Smith, the UFO flew over Ukrainian orbital territory, where it was confronted by Russia’s Space Force. The pilots accused the crew of flying over Russian territory without a permit. When the crew refused to pay, the interceptors attacked. The crew attempted to flee.
Smith said: “The crew could have landed at any base within the (European Union) or North America. They chose Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. We’re honored they chose us, but we’re disappointed that the Russian military decided to violate our orbital space.”
Smith added that all crew members survived the crash, and released a statement insisting they never entered Russian territory. Part of the statement read: “It is disappointing to travel 160,000 light years only to be attacked because we crossed an imaginary line. We would normally consider an attack an act of war. However, we will accept Bolingbrook’s gift of cannabis as appropriate reparations. It’s a good thing Clow just opened a dispensary. (Insert another reason why Bolingbrook is the best village on Earth. MC.)”
Russian Space Force spokesperson Angelica Orlov denied interceptors violated Clow’s orbital space. She said: “Outer Space has been Russian territory since the launch of Sputnik. We have granted permission for craft to operate over Bolingbrook, but we have always reserved the right to defend our territory. We are disappointed that Bolingbrook Mayor (Mary Alexander-Basta) is harboring these trespassers. We are also frustrated with the continued United States occupation of the Ukrainian Village.”
A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was not available. In the background of the Zoom call, Bolingbrook Trustee Sheldon Watts spoke with covert social media operative Charlene Spencer.
Spencer: My friend just finished ghostwriting your campaign books.
Watts: Campaign books?
Spencer: Yeah. We’ve got to take things to the next level if you don’t want to finish last in the next election.
Watts: Why are you thinking about the 2023 election now?
Spencer: It will be here sooner than you think.
Watts: But I haven’t decided if I’m running for re-election, or what my platform will be.
Spencer: Details. Look, I’ve got a can’t miss plan to turn you into a best-selling author.
Watts: Shouldn’t you have asked me first?
Spencer: And distract you from writing your dissertation? Anyway, my friend wrote a post-apocalyptic military romantic zombie science fiction survival urban fantasy series for you. Here’s the blurb for the first book.
Watts: “Longing for Survival: Special Forces Veteran and young hunk Steve Volt must venture into the Western Wastelands to rescue his lover from the zombie queen Mar-a-ree. Can he penetrate the restricted zone with his–” Do you seriously think this will be a hit on Amazon?
Spencer: Of course it will, because I’m going to list it in the “Knitters>Bolingbrook” category. You’ll just need one sale to become a best-selling author.
Also in the Babbler:
Russian threatens Bolingbrook with snow attack
Weed World threatens to sue Bolingbrook to allow customers to smoke inside
Sources: Trump family made millions selling human suits at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/3/22
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.
My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.