Bolingbrook’s opposition parties respond to the 2022 State of the Village Address (Fiction)

Every year, the Babbler gives Bolingbrook’s opposition parties a chance to respond to the Mayor’s State of the Village Address. This year, the United Independent Voices of Bolingbrook, The Roger Claar Party, the Parents Know Best Party, and the Art Bell Party accepted our invitation to respond to the speech by Mayor Alexander-Basta from the First Party for Bolingbrook. 

United Independent Voices of Bolingbrook

Better to be united than to be first

Let’s look at Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta’s major accomplishments:

  • Ending the ban on cannabis dispensaries 
  • Ending the ban on garbage and recycling toters
  • First Bolingbrook Mayor to recognize Gay Pride Month
  • Board meetings that don’t end with the mayor spewing Republican talking points.

In other words, Mayor Basta has enacted most of our platform. The election is nearly a year away, but we are already victorious.

But it is not enough to win. We have to defend our wins. Gone are the days when Bolingbrook’s incumbent mayor could dominate any election. For all we know, she might not run for re-election and may just appoint her successor. We can’t count on her to keep Bolingbrook in the twenty-first century.

But you can count on us. We will defend our gains if a certain former mayor unleashes his political action committee against Bolingbrook. The First Party depends on this former Mayor, but we’re independent.

Some of you compared us to a political party of cats, and that’s fair sometimes. But cats are also great fighters, and we will fight for Bolingbrook!

The Roger Claar Party

Come back, Roger!

These are dark days. Drugs in stores. Ugly toters are in our yards. The threat of nuclear war is back. Roger Claar is no longer our mayor! 

When Roger ran Bolingbrook, everything was perfect. The stores opened on time. There were no wars in Europe. Residents were happy! 

Since Roger was forced out of office, crime has gone up, Russia could blow us up, and Amazon has a beachhead in Bolingbrook.

We long for the simple days of Roger’s rule, and we will bring them back.  Elect our slate, and we will purge all members of the First Party who betrayed Roger! Then, we will return Roger to his rightful place as Mayor. Next, we will abolish elections! If municipalities can defy health mandates, then they can also defy voting mandates! We know who should run Bolingbrook better than a Springfield politician, and it’s not voters!

Parents Know Best Party

Because we said so!

Mayor Mary may be a parent, but she doesn’t speak for all parents. We speak for the angry parents. We’re mad because we had to keep our kids at home because of “germ theory.” We’re mad that our kids are learning about slavery and discrimination because of “critical race theory.” We’re mad that our kids think we are related to animals because of “Darwin Theory.” We’re sick of theories!

It’s time to stop teaching our kids Arabic numerals, science, and ancient history—like the 1960s. It’s time to teach our kids to trust us and only us.

If elected, we will arrest every Valley View School District member that refuses to obey us. Don’t question us and don’t make us come to your homes. Vote for us because we said so!

The Art Bell Party

Keeping an eye on Bolingbrook’s skies

The Quickening has brought us to the brink of collapse! Russia stands ready to launch ICBMs. Other nations fear we are on the brink of civil war. The dark ages are here.

Mayor Mary could do so much to change the world. She could start by revealing Clow UFO Base to the world. That act alone could unite humanity against possible alien invaders. 

She could also do more to protect the residents of Bolingbrook. Not once in her speech did she mention requiring new homes to have a nuclear blast shelter. Why isn’t she buying MREs from fine patriotic suppliers? Why isn’t she providing every resident with a tinfoil cap to protect them from the Soviet Mind Control satellites? Why hasn’t she vowed to exterminate all shifters in Bolingbrook? Do wereskunks provide value to our community?

Mayor Mary, stop bragging about bringing in new businesses that will only contribute to the debris field and start preparing the residents for our post-apocalyptic future!

Also in the Babbler:

Ukraine’s UFO bases transfer their anti-matter fuel to Clow UFO Base
Mayor Mary activates backup command center at the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Valley View parents outraged over proposed ‘Duck and Cover’ drills
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. It is also available at Amazon and other stores. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

Video: Rabbi Adam Chalom on Ukraine and my thoughts (Non-ficiton)

Last night, Rabbi Adam Chalom of Kol Hadash Humanistic Jewish Congregation offered his thoughts on the invasion of Ukraine:

I’d like to add that I agree with Charly over at Affinity whenever I read comments bringing up the US imperialism.

Whenever I look at the comment section under an article or video about the Russian invasion of Ukraine, whether in CZ or EN, there is a visible presence of people who either outright say that Russia is right to this or who say that it is not wrong to do it because… Whatabout Iraq? Whatabout Afghanistan? Whatabout Grenada? Whatabout Whatever?

This is a classic Soviet-era propaganda tool, trying to divert the attention from an injustice being done by the USSR to similar injustices being done by the USA. The old adage that two wrongs do not make a right applies.

I was part of the CIA Off Campus movement and opposed US interventions in the 1980s. I opposed both Gulf Wars as well. George W. Bush should be charged with war crimes for lying about weapons of mass destruction to start a war. Yet, none of that justifies Russia’s invasion of the Ukraine, nor does it mean the US government shouldn’t respond. Imperialism itself is wrong, whether it’s in the name of the US, Russia, Britain, or the former USSR. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking everything the US does is wrong, and everyone who opposes the US is right. Imperialism predates the United States, and other leaders, like Putin, dream of having their own empires.

Still be critical of the coverage, and what all the leaders are saying about the war, but don’t fall into the knee-jerk reaction of assuming the US is always wrong. It’s lazy thinking, and solves nothing.

Save the Black Doll Museum (Non-Fiction)

The National Black Doll Museum, the only doll museum featuring only black dolls, has been closed since 2020. They’re trying to raise money to reopen, but so far they are way behind their goal of $100,000. Abe has more information:

But, unfortunately for the project, 2020 was a difficult year for them, like so many others. With the lack of school engagements, workshops, or in-person celebrations, the museum lost their space in Mansfield due to lack of funding. However, all is not lost! Attleboro, MA has set aside land for cultural development and is interested in working with the National Black Doll Museum to relocate to the new area. But they need funding to do so. The current phase of fundraising has a goal of $100,000 and a deadline at the end of the month — February is Black History Month after all! So I hope that you, much like myself, find the concept exciting and the project worthwhile, and will help to make the new location a reality. Let’s let this understudied aspect of history have a chance to shine again!

Bolingbrook Snow Command clashes with Russian operatives (Fiction)

Did Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta have a Zoom meeting with President Vladimir Putin? (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)

While the world anxiously wonders if Russian President Vladimir Putin will invade Ukraine, Russian covert operatives clashed with Bolingbrook’s Snow Command last week.

According to anonymous Snow Command employees, Russian operatives attempted to hamper snow removal efforts. They also recorded propaganda videos accusing Snow Command of committing “atrocities.” 

Peter, who asked that we not use his real name, claims operatives filmed a propaganda video while he was plowing a side street. After his plow destroyed a mailbox, he claims three men rushed out from behind a snowbank. One man lay down on the ground and placed a piece of debris over his abdomen. The second man poured ketchup on the first man. Then the third man started filming. Peter stopped and reversed his plow.

“I was just going to tell them there was no need to be so dramatic,” said Peter. “They just need to file a claim with the village. But I heard the guy with the camera speaking in Russian. He accused me of deliberately hurting the guy on the ground. When I yelled at them, the guy pretending to provide first aid covered his ears and fell down. The camera guy shook his camera and yelled, ‘Sonic attack” in Russian. When I drove off, I saw all three of them in my rearview mirror running away.”

Annette, who asked that we didn’t use her last name, also witnessed Russian operatives recording in her neighborhood:

“After the snowplow made a snow pile in front of my driveway, these three guys dressed in black started digging into it. I thought they were being nice until one of them laid down in the hole they made. Another man pretended to dig that guy out, while the camera guy accused the plow driver of burying a Russian immigrant. He also accused the driver of being Ukrainian. So I told them that if they cleaned my driveway after filming their video, I wouldn’t call the FBI on them. They may have been filming propaganda to justify a horrific war, but they did a great job cleaning my driveway!”

Lou, a snowplow driver for Snow Command, claims Russian operatives tried to disrupt his route. According to Lou, he claims a pickup truck pulled in front of him and skidded to a stop:

“I barely stopped before hitting the pickup truck. I leaned out the window and yelled, ‘What’s wrong with you people?’ Then I noticed a cameraman in the truck’s bed. He thanked me for the dramatic footage and for saying something they can twist. Then he drove off. I have a bad feeling that I’m going to be featured in a Russian false flag operation. Please let your readers know I don’t hate all people. I just hate people who don’t know how to drive near a snowplow.”

According to sources within Village Hall, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta responded with a Zoom call to Putin. They also provided a partial transcript:

Alexander-Basta: As a global woman of excellence, I insist you stop harassing Snow Command. Leave us out of your propaganda!

Putin: Could you speak up?

Alexander-Basta: Could you move closer to the speaker? I’m on Zoom. There’s no need for you to sit at your long table.

Putin: (Speaks in Russian)

Translator: It is Russian tradition not to sit close to anyone who refuses to provide a DNA sample.

Alexander-Basta: I doubt that.

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed. In the background, a woman held up a cutout of Alexander-Basta to her face and approached Trustee Sheldon Watts.

Woman: (Imitating Alexander-Basta’s voice): I’m inviting my supporters over to your house for a ‘Legitimate Political Discourse.’ What do you have to say?

Watts: I’m kind of busy right now, Charlene.

Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer: Sorry, the word we were looking for was “No.”

Watts: What?

Spencer: You’ve been voting with Mayor Mary too often. If you don’t find a way to distinguish yourself from the Something Bolingbrook Something First Something Party, you’re not going to be reelected… Unless you’re planning on begging for (Former Mayor Roger Claar’s) forgiveness!

Watts: Charlene, I’ve told you before, it’s too early to think about the 2023 election. I will not oppose Mayor Basta’s platform for purely political reasons.

Spencer: Not to stop her from appointing trustees?

Watts: Charlene. I like Trustee Jean Kelly. She’s had more years of community service work than you.

Charlene: You’ll be back to community service work if you don’t start voting no. Think about it from a voter’s perspective. “Wow. Mayor Mary is always right. She says I should vote for these three candidates. Sheldon says we should reelect him, but Mayor Mary says we shouldn’t. There’s no difference between her candidates and Sheldon. Why should I stop trusting her now?”

Watts: Some days you really get on my nerves.

Charlene: Fine. You can vote with her all you like then. I’ll have my new bots tell a different story in Bolingbrook Politics.

Watts: No!

Charlene: I knew that word was in your vocabulary.

Also in the Babbler:

UFO traffic diverted from Ukraine to Clow UFO Base
Editorial: Overfunding the police won’t fix crime
Palatine Township: No aid for shapeshifters
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/23/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

Red Deer Reporter: Government covers up approaching Zombie Trucker Convoy (Fiction)

A zombie trucker taking a break from driving towards Red Deer.

Editor’s note: The Bolingbrook Babbler partners with three sister publications around the world to bring you the unbelievable truth. This article is from The Red Deer Reporter, based in Alberta, Canada.

Despite eyewitness reports (and psychics’ apocalyptic visions), Red Deer officials deny that a truck convoy driven by zombies is approaching the city.

“That’s ridiculous!” said a city official who demanded they not be named. “Let me guess. They’re pro-vaccine zombies. Right?”

The eyewitnesses agree that not only are the zombies pro-vaccine, but they intend to occupy downtown Red Deer until residents “stop whining” about Covid restrictions.

Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, says he spoke with them at a truck stop:

“While everyone else was acting like violent cowardly Americans, I just walked up to their leader and said: ‘Excuse me, but you seem to be lost and have wandered into the land of the living. I can direct you to a graveyard where you might be able to find your way back to the afterlife.’ The leader asked if I was vaccinated, and I said yes. Three shots. The leader said I was smart, and warned me not to die any time soon. For a rotting corpse, it was quite friendly.”

Simone, a feisty woman who threatened this reporter when asked for her last name, claims she tried to fight off the zombies:

“I thought they were part of the Wexit—I mean anti-vaccine mandate truckers. When I saw they were monsters, I started shooting their heads. This didn’t stop them. They said I was acting like an American. I asked how did I … I don’t talk to the fake press!”

Simone added that one zombie described her death due to covid. “When she showed me what was left of her thin blue line tattoo, I knew she was telling the truth. I guess Trump is right, and we should all take his vaccine.”

According to other witnesses, the zombies claim that they are trying to save the European Canadian Afterlife. That afterlife, according to the zombies, is overpopulated, and the First Nations Afterlife refuses to accept refugees. The zombies warn that if Canada loosens its COVID  policies, spirits will resort to “cannibalizing spirit energy” to create space.

“If you want to have a long afterlife,” said Peter, “Get vaccinated now! The zombies taught me that being free shouldn’t mean being dumb too.”

Tonya Z. Alexander, the spokeswoman for the Red Deer Skeptics, doubts the existence of the zombie convoy:

“Things are so bad that there is no joy in debunking the Reporter. Even Steven Pinker’s unfounded optimism cannot raise my spirits. I’m now reading Impossible Me, Pervert Justice, and Reprobate Spreadsheet. These are truly dark times. for Canada.”

A receptionist for Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said he was still recovering from Covid and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trudeau said, “So, what do the Mounted Police need to do to break the siege of Ottawa?”

Another man answered, “How much money is in the treasury?”

Also in the Red Deer Reporter:

Sources: Aliens truck drivers covering for Freedom Convoy drivers
Covid positive deer refuse masks
Jeff Bezos demands a discounted price for Canada
God to smite the rest of Canada on 10/2/2022

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

Podish-Sortacast for Saturday: The future of blogging (Non-fiction)

This Saturday’s Podish-Sortacast is about the future of blogging. I recorded a clip since I’ll be busy this weekend. Basically, I think social media replaced diary-style blogs, but blogs that focus on certain subjects, and blog networks with a theme are doing fine. Many popular how-to articles are blog posts. I’ve lost count of how many articles I’ve read urging self-publishers to start a blog. Many local businesses have blogs to encourage their customers to return to their sites.

While the Internet keeps evolving, I expect blogs to keep evolving with it for the foreseeable future.

The new blurb for The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story

The truth is unbelievable. The deception is destructive. Can Tom find the right path before it’s too late?

My debut novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is still on track to be released this year. Just needs a bit more editing before it’s ready for wide release.

In the meantime, here’s the new blurb:

Tom Larsen grew up believing in stories from the Bolingbrook Babbler newspaper: of UFOs, half-human weredeer, and of vampire gangs that roamed the streets at night. Then one day his parents told him the truth—the stories were all a lie.

Fresh out of college, Tom built a reputation as a blogger of the scientific skepticism movement, debunking the reports of paranormal events in his hometown. However, after famous podcast host Jamie Kyle posted a video about how Tom’s attempts to “hook up” with her at a skeptic’s conference made her feel uncomfortable, the blogger was furious.

Now, in his mid-twenties and still angry about his humiliation, Tom has made a career from defending the skeptical movement against “modern feminists”, including Humanist Heart, a group of social justice skeptics. And, when he hears that his hometown of Bolingbrook will host Humanist Heart’s congress, and Jamie will be their guest, Tom hatches a plan to confront the podcaster.

The only problem is that he must work for the Bolingbrook Babbler to gain access to the congress, and risk ruining his skeptic reputation. But an attack by a weredeer while working on his first assignment for the Babbler leaves Tom’s beliefs in pieces. The monsters, the UFOs, everything he tried to debunk—are all real!

Now, there are angry Men’s Rights Activists trying to disrupt the congress, weredeer have surrounded the area, and mysterious time rifts appearing throughout the village. Only Jamie and the Babbler can help Tom fix this, but will he be able to get past his anger and distrust before reaching the point of no return?

Coming soon. Subscribers to my newsletter will be the first to know about the release date.

Russians Interceptors attack craft over Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Russian Interceptors attacked a spacecraft from the Large Magellanic Cloud and followed it to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  The craft crash-landed at Clow, and the interceptors eventually left Bolingbrook.

“That was exciting,” said Donna K. Smith, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs. “Thanks to the professionalism of our pilots and ground crew, we had no causalities, and we avoided World War III.  This is why Bolingbrook is exceptional.”

According to Smith, the UFO flew over Ukrainian orbital territory, where it was confronted by Russia’s Space Force.  The pilots accused the crew of flying over Russian territory without a permit. When the crew refused to pay, the interceptors attacked.  The crew attempted to flee.

Smith said: “The crew could have landed at any base within the (European Union) or North America. They chose Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  We’re honored they chose us, but we’re disappointed that the Russian military decided to violate our orbital space.”

Smith added that all crew members survived the crash, and released a statement insisting they never entered Russian territory. Part of the statement read: “It is disappointing to travel 160,000 light years only to be attacked because we crossed an imaginary line. We would normally consider an attack an act of war. However, we will accept Bolingbrook’s gift of cannabis as appropriate reparations. It’s a good thing Clow just opened a dispensary. (Insert another reason why Bolingbrook is the best village on Earth. MC.)

Russian Space Force spokesperson Angelica Orlov denied interceptors violated Clow’s orbital space. She said: “Outer Space has been Russian territory since the launch of Sputnik. We have granted permission for craft to operate over Bolingbrook, but we have always reserved the right to defend our territory. We are disappointed that Bolingbrook Mayor (Mary Alexander-Basta) is harboring these trespassers. We are also frustrated with the continued United States occupation of the Ukrainian Village.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was not available. In the background of the Zoom call, Bolingbrook Trustee Sheldon Watts spoke with covert social media operative Charlene Spencer.

Spencer: My friend just finished ghostwriting your campaign books.

Watts: Campaign books?

Spencer: Yeah.  We’ve got to take things to the next level if you don’t want to finish last in the next election.

Watts: Why are you thinking about the 2023 election now?

Spencer: It will be here sooner than you think.

Watts: But I haven’t decided if I’m running for re-election, or what my platform will be.

Spencer: Details. Look, I’ve got a can’t miss plan to turn you into a best-selling author.

Watts: Shouldn’t you have asked me first?

Spencer: And distract you from writing your dissertation? Anyway, my friend wrote a post-apocalyptic military romantic zombie science fiction survival urban fantasy series for you. Here’s the blurb for the first book.

Watts: “Longing for Survival: Special Forces Veteran and young hunk Steve Volt must venture into the Western Wastelands to rescue his lover from the zombie queen Mar-a-ree. Can he penetrate the restricted zone with his–” Do you seriously think this will be a hit on Amazon?

Spencer: Of course it will, because I’m going to list it in the “Knitters>Bolingbrook” category.  You’ll just need one sale to become a best-selling author.

Also in the Babbler:

Russian threatens Bolingbrook with snow attack
Weed World threatens to sue Bolingbrook to allow customers to smoke inside
Sources: Trump family made millions selling human suits at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/3/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.