By Reporter X
Clow UFO Base’s holiday concert nearly ended in a riot after former congressman Dan Lipinski performed an offensive version of “Jingle Bells.” 30 aliens and 20 humans were treated for minor injuries, while one alien and five humans had to be hospitalized after being encased in riot foam. Officials confirmed that the rioters caused minor damage to the stage, but the concert was able to continue.
Bolingbrook Trustee Michael Carpanzano tried to spin the story during a press conference with the interstellar media:
“While some miscreants want to defund law enforcement, our well-funded security personnel managed to suppress a riot without fatalities or a snowplow. This is why Clow UFO Base is the best UFO Base in the world, and why it must never fall into (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere’s) hands!”
Clow security personnel arrested Lipinski after rescuing him from the rioters. According to sources, Lipinski insisted he didn’t do anything wrong. He said:
“It was a joke. You should be laughing. Ow! You can’t do that to me! Don’t you know who my dad was? I’m the victim here!”
The chain of events leading up to the riot started when Rep. Bill Foster introduced Rep. Sean Casten as the next performer. Foster praised Casten’s work, and called him the “hardest rocking congressman ever.” He added, “We can’t afford to lose any more scientists in Congress. So, if you live in the Sixth District, please vote for Sean, and keep the Sci Bros together!”
Casten performed his “Hot Ferc Summer Suite” followed by “Glasgow Climate Lover’s Delight” based on “Rapper’s Delight.” When he finished the rap, Rep. Marie Newman, who currently represents the Third District, barged onto the stage.
Casten replied, “Wow! That’s so wrong, no wonder you’re running in the wrong primary.”
“That’s where you’re wrong,” said Newman. “You and your fellow Corporate Democrats stole my district and tried to force me to run against (Rep. Jesus Garcia.)”
“Nuance is nonsense,” said Newman. She pulled out a wooden cross with the phrases “Green New Deal” and “Medicare 4 All” carved into it. “Be gone, Corporate Democrat!”
Lipinski then ran out and grabbed a free microphone. He said, “Don’t listen to these two extremists. The Sixth District needs a sensible moderate like me. I’ll prove how mainstream I am.” Lipinski started shaking two bells, and sang: “Jingle bells/Jingle bells/Jingle all the way/Gay rights/And abortion rights/are gonna go away.”
The riot started moments later.
Several seconds later, Trustee Michael Lawler took the stage and started singing, “I Believe in Father Christmas.” The audience stopped rioting, and security restored order.
According to sources, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta approached Lawler after his performance.
“Am I in trouble?” he asked.
“Trouble?” she replied. “You saved the concert! I’m proud of you.”
“Wow. You really aren’t (Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar.)”
At the press conference, Alexander-Basta promised not to execute Lipinski or any of the rioters. She stated: “After a rough year and a half, a riot at the annual holiday concert means things are returning to normal. We could all use some of the old normal around here.”
Zolgost, a resident of Barnard’s Star’s Third Planet, said she enjoyed the concert: “My planet is so peaceful that it’s boring. It’s nice to come to Earth to receive the gift of a painful punch. I hope humanity doesn’t go extinct from COVID any time soon.”
Lisa Z. Thomas, an engineer at Clow, enjoyed the concert but was saddened by the riot. “We need both Sean and Marie in Congress. They’re fighting like my parents were when I was a kid.” She started to cry. “Sorry, that brought back some memories.”
Also in the Babbler:
Former CFI feline fellows celebrate Hanukkah with the Society for Humanistic Judaism
Bonnie threatens to file a lawsuit in Interstellar Court
Sources: David Silverman to convert to Satanism
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/10/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.