By Reporter X
Aliens abducted controversial Republican Representative Adam Kinzinger then released him at Clow UFO Base an hour later.
“Seriously,” Kinzinger said during a press conference with members of the interstellar media. “Can this year get any worse for me?”
According to Kinzinger, he boarded a UFO at the Pentagon’s secret UFO hanger. He thought it was his chartered flight to Rochelle, IL’s Hub 35 UFO Base. Once the craft took off, the aliens announced he was their prisoner and flew into Clow’s airspace. The aliens offered to sell Kinzinger, who is a member of the New World Order, to the Illuminati, which controls Clow.
Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta told reporters that she had no intention of paying for Kinzinger. After consulting with the Illuminati’s regional leadership, Alexander-Basta made a counteroffer:
“I told the crew that under my leadership, Bolingbrook is now a positive community. Kidnapping goes against our policy of positivity. So I gave them a choice: They could contribute to Bolingbrook’s positive energy by releasing Adam, or I could order the cloaked intercepters surrounding their craft to attack, and everyone on board would positively be killed. They choose wisely.”
After Kinzinger thanked Alexander-Basta, she replied. “Don’t be too thankful. The Illuminati has special plans for you, so we don’t want you dead yet.”
Kinzinger rolled his eyes, then accused the Illuminati of destroying the Republican party:
“Just because I’m a member of the New World Order, does not mean I am a RINO (Republican in Name Only). I oppose abortion. I oppose gay rights, I oppose voting rights, and I voted with Trump 90% of the time. But I draw the line at insurrections! We should work within the system to dismantle democracy, just like Dick Chaney did as Vice-President. I don’t want to dismantle our great country and sell it off to the billionaires. I want a strong national government that will protect the interests of the 1%. We cannot let hate divide us. Instead, we must use our hatred of the rest of the world to unite us and ensure US Global domination until God decides to take the chosen few to Heaven. I call upon all Americans to pray for God’s blessing, and to hurry up and send Steve Bannon to hell already!”
Kinzinger then said he was looking forward to next year:
“I may publicly complain about the Illinois Democratic Party, but we actually have two things in common. We both hate Trump, and we both want (Rep. Marie Newman) removed from office. If I survive my primary election, I will fight to remove that Illuminati Congresswoman just as hard as I am fighting to remove Donald Trump from the ballot forever!”
“I don’t know about that,” Alexander-Basta replied. “Let’s just say the 2022 election will be the least of your problems.”
When reached for further comment, Alexander-Basta denied meeting with Kinzinger and denied the existence of Clow UFO Base:
“Why don’t you write about all the good things that are happening in the Brook? Like, we might be getting a new bakery?”
In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Yeah. And we might also be invaded by the Will County Young Republicans. And we might be killed by a meteorite. And we might get a giant (Governor JB Pritzker) statue. And we might also get the next COVID variant. And we—“
“Get out or I will scrub the negativity from your mouth!”
Also in the Babbler:
Grim Reaper spotted in Palatine’s Chicago Culinary Kitchen restaurant
Asteroid Belt’s residents protest the launch of NASA’s Lucy probe
Trustee Carpanzano denies he’s forming ‘Citizens Against Elections’ PAC
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/25/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.