New World Order conspires to force a primary between Rep. Casten and Rep. Newman (Fiction)

Will Rep. Sean Casten be denied another term by the Illuminati?

The New World order claimed responsibility for Illinois’ current Congressional redistricting plan that forces Democratic Representatives Sean Casten and Marie Newman into the same district.

Z1, the NWO’s newest Illinois administrator, spoke during a presentation in Lisle:  “This gerrymandering plan will demolish the Illuminati’s plans to destroy the United States’ democracy. We will take out at least one Illuminati aligned Republican, and possibly take out Illuminati Congresswoman Newman with the foolishly neutral Congressman Casten at the same time!  Sean chose not to take sides in the great war for the fate of human civilization. Sean, when you stand in the middle of a battlefield, both sides will shoot at you!”

Z1 then announced that former Representative Dan Lipinski will be the NWO’s candidate for the proposed Sixth Congressional District.

“Flip the Sixth back to me!” said Lipinski.  “I am honored that Z1 has selected me to restore America as the country that will rule the world.  I’m glad that the NWO will support my efforts to rescue my Congressional seat from that woman.  The Democratic party doesn’t need so-called progressive leaders.  It needs leaders who are willing to reject (Homophobic term deleted) privileges, ban Abortion, and make health care unaffordable again!”

The Illuminati and New World Order have been at war since 2016 when Illuminati forces launched a surprise attack following the election of President Donald Trump.  The Illuminati seized, and continues to control, most of Earth’s UFO Bases.  In Illinois, the Illuminati control Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, while the NWO hold Rochelle’s Hub 35, Peotone UFO Base, and Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine.  

While most Democratic politicians align with the New World order, there are exceptions.  Republican Rep. Adam Kinzinger is a member of the New World Order.  Newman, like The Squad, is a member of the Illuminati.  Newman, however, has spoken out against the Illuminati’s efforts to spread global chaos.  She shares The Squad’s desire to turn the Illuminati into a “disruptive force working for the good of all humanity.”

Casten, a former employee at Clow, has always maintained his neutrality, and has advocated for reducing the role that all secret societies have in managing Earth’s UFO Bases.  Since his election in 2018, he has asked both the Illuminati and NWO to use their influence to combat global warming.

The Illuminati released a statement saying they were not worried about the NWO’s redistricting plan:

“The Illinois Democratic Party and their NWO masters are just rearranging chairs on a sinking ship.  Our Republican operatives will soon control the elections in the rest of the country.  Democracy will fall, and Illinois will be isolated.  In four years, the leaders of Illinois will have to face reality.  They can either surrender, or beg Canada to annex the Chicago area.”

Casten, Lipinski, and Newman couldn’t be reached for comment.

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens allowed to go trick or treating in Bolingbrook
Trump announces his own secret society: The Trumpinati
Mayor Lightfoot threatens to hire weredogs to replace unvaccinated cops
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/31/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Aliens release Rep. Adam Kinzinger at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens abducted controversial Republican Representative Adam Kinzinger then released him at Clow UFO Base an hour later.

“Seriously,” Kinzinger said during a press conference with members of the interstellar media.  “Can this year get any worse for me?”

According to Kinzinger, he boarded a UFO at the Pentagon’s secret UFO hanger.  He thought it was his chartered flight to Rochelle, IL’s Hub 35 UFO Base.  Once the craft took off, the aliens announced he was their prisoner and flew into Clow’s airspace.  The aliens offered to sell Kinzinger, who is a member of the New World Order, to the Illuminati, which controls Clow.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta told reporters that she had no intention of paying for Kinzinger.  After consulting with the Illuminati’s regional leadership, Alexander-Basta made a counteroffer:

“I told the crew that under my leadership, Bolingbrook is now a positive community.  Kidnapping goes against our policy of positivity.  So I gave them a choice:  They could contribute to Bolingbrook’s positive energy by releasing Adam, or I could order the cloaked intercepters surrounding their craft to attack, and everyone on board would positively be killed.  They choose wisely.”

After Kinzinger thanked Alexander-Basta, she replied.  “Don’t be too thankful.  The Illuminati has special plans for you, so we don’t want you dead yet.”

Kinzinger rolled his eyes, then accused the Illuminati of destroying the Republican party:

“Just because I’m a member of the New World Order, does not mean I am a RINO (Republican in Name  Only).  I oppose abortion.  I oppose gay rights, I oppose voting rights, and I voted with Trump 90% of the time.  But I draw the line at insurrections!  We should work within the system to dismantle democracy, just like Dick Chaney did as Vice-President.  I don’t want to dismantle our great country and sell it off to the billionaires.  I want a strong national government that will protect the interests of the 1%.  We cannot let hate divide us.  Instead, we must use our hatred of the rest of the world to unite us and ensure US Global domination until God decides to take the chosen few to Heaven.  I call upon all Americans to pray for God’s blessing, and to hurry up and send Steve Bannon to hell already!”

Kinzinger then said he was looking forward to next year:

“I may publicly complain about the Illinois Democratic Party, but we actually have two things in common.  We both hate Trump, and we both want (Rep. Marie Newman) removed from office.  If I survive my primary election, I will fight to remove that Illuminati Congresswoman just as hard as I am fighting to remove Donald Trump from the ballot forever!”

“I don’t know about that,” Alexander-Basta replied.  “Let’s just say the 2022 election will be the least of your problems.”

When reached for further comment, Alexander-Basta denied meeting with Kinzinger and denied the existence of Clow UFO Base:

“Why don’t you write about all the good things that are happening in the Brook?  Like, we might be getting a new bakery?”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Yeah.  And we might also be invaded by the Will County Young Republicans.  And we might be killed by a meteorite.  And we might get a giant (Governor JB Pritzker) statue.  And we might also get the next COVID variant.  And we—“

“Get out or I will scrub the negativity from your mouth!”

Also in the Babbler:

Grim Reaper spotted in Palatine’s Chicago Culinary Kitchen restaurant
Asteroid Belt’s residents protest the launch of NASA’s Lucy probe
Trustee Carpanzano denies he’s forming  ‘Citizens Against Elections’ PAC
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/25/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

British secret agent leaves trail of destruction in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

An unidentified British secret agent carved a path of destruction through Bolingbrook while chasing a “villain.”

Village officials, who asked to remain anonymous, claim the agent destroyed over 100 cars and caused thousands of dollars worth of damage at WearthTech, Ulta, and Turano.  The agent also stole a plane from Clow Airport, sent a man crashing through a roof, and killed hundreds of armed guards.  The agent’s trail of destruction ended at Lake Whalon where two limousines drove into the lake and the agent drove after them in a submersible motorcycle.

“We’re still looking for them,” said one village official, who asked not to be identified.  “I doubt there’s an underwater lair in the lake because you’d think someone in Bolingbrook would have noticed and complained about it on one of the Facebook groups.”

A WeatherTech employee claims she saw the agent with WeatherTech CEO David MacNeil and Senator Kyrsten Sinema.  According to the employee, the obviously injured agent was restrained by four mercenaries.  The agent asked Sinema to explain her plan for world domination.

“I don’t want to rule the world,” Sinema allegedly replied.  “I just want to be the center of attention.  And after I’m finished ruining Joe Biden’s Presidency, my supporters will actually give me what I really want.”

“A place in the Republican Party?”

“No, silly.”  Sinema giggled.  “I don’t care if you’re a Democrat, Republican, or Green.  Just as long as you keep offering sacrifices to me.”

“You mean donations,” MacNeil corrected.

“Whatever,” Sinema replied.  “You still haven’t given me anything.”

“The plan was for me to make a big donation after you defect to the Republican Party and endorse Donald Trump.”

“Not anymore.  I now have a  new friend who is offering to move Big Ben to Arizona to compliment the London Bridge!”

“You’re mad!” said the agent.  “The world will hate you if you steal Big Ben.”

“So?” Sinema asked.  “People who hate me pay attention to me, and I like it when people pay attention to me.  They will follow me everywhere I go, including the bathroom! My friend David understands.”

According to the eyewitness, a man who resembled conservative atheist agitator David Silverman appeared.

“I’ve noticed what a good job you’re doing,” said Silverman to Sinema.  “Once we have purged God and liberalism from the world, you can have any British Monument you want!”

“Purge God?” gasped MacNeil. “I didn’t sign up to purge God.  I signed up to purge Democrats.  Count me out of this.”

“You know that’s the worst thing to say in this situation,” Silverman said as he pulled out a gun.

At that point, according to the eyewitness, MacNeil’s dog, Scout, ran into the room and leaped at Silverman.  Scout hit Silverman’s arm, which caused him to shoot the mercenaries restraining the agent.  The agent grabbed a floor mat and attacked the remaining mercenaries.  

“I never realized we made bulletproof floor mats,” said the eyewitness.  “They can also be deadly martial arts weapons.”

Silverman and Sinema then fled to their limousines. 

“Time to make my Brexit,” said the agent before pursuing them.

Rosland, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that her car was destroyed by Silverman, Sinema, and the agent:

“I was stuck in traffic on Weber Road when I noticed everyone in front of me was getting out of their cars and running away.  Before I could ask what was going on, I saw a road roller crushing the cars ahead of me.  It was driven by a woman who looked like that annoying Senator from Arizona.  Two men were fighting on the roof of the roller.  One was a little guy wearing a cheap suit, and the other was a man wearing camouflage pants without a shirt.  I barely got out before they crushed my car.  I called the woman an (expletive deleted) for flattening my car.  She replied, ‘that’s Senator (expletive deleted). I love it when people notice me.’  The little guy then knocked the big guy into the roller, and said: ‘That’s one way to crack a spine.’ I just want to go to sleep and wake up when everyone is back to normal.”

Many eyewitnesses agree that the CIA cleaned up after the agent.  The operatives, according to some eyewitnesses, said MI5 used to clean up after themselves, but they had to cut their budget due to Brexit.

“They can’t even afford to make exploding pens anymore,” one CIA operative allegedly said.  “It’s sad, but I did get a great deal on a fully armed Aston Martin with a heated ejection seat.”

Sinema wouldn’t confirm or deny if she had recently been to Bolingbrook:

“Of course I’m not answering your question.  You’d stop paying attention to me if I did.  Don’t hang up!”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied that a British secret agent trashed parts of the village:

“Isn’t it funny how a British secret agent always seems to show up in Bolingbrook just before the release of a new James Bond movie?”

Also in the Babbler:

Rebecca Watson biographical movie to film in Naperville
Bolingbrook denies plans to create its own cryptocurrency
PZ Myers announces plan to breed spider that can survive on Mars
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/9/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.