Palatine Township Highway Commissioner to buy ‘Anti-ANTIFA’ Vehicles (Fiction)

Will the Palatine Township Highway Commissioner buy three of these M1150 vehicles? (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Cpl. Jeff Drew/Released)

According to sources within Palatine Township, Highway Commissioner Aaron Del Mar plans on buying three M1150 Assault Breacher Vehicles to “combat ANTIFA.”

“Palatine Township Residents see reports about ANTIFA every day on Fox News,” said one of the sources.  “We’re buying these vehicles, at a discount, to reassure our voters—I mean residents—that we will not ignore their fears, no matter how unfounded they are.”

ANTIFA, which stands for anti-fascist, is a movement consisting of activists and cells who actively oppose the fascist movement.  It is not a formal organization, and there is no leadership structure.  While most members’ activities are limited to identifying fascists online, the ones confronting fascists at demonstrations get the most publicity.  According to the ADL, there has only been one murder that is possibly connected to ANTIFA.

M1150 vehicles are used by the US Military to clear landmines and improvised explosive devices. They have seen extensive use in Afghanistan.

Despite no instances of ANTIFA using roadside bombs in the United States, the sources insist the M1150 vehicles are vital to the defense of Palatine Township’s 18 miles of roads.  One of the sources, Amy, blames the Cook County Democratic Party for “endangering” Palatine Township:

“We’re under attack by Democrats!  They’re threatening to remove our candidates from office, placing signs in people’s yards, and knocking on our doors!  If we don’t stop them, they’ll raise our taxes, turn the Highway Commissioner into an appointed position, and offer assistance to residents who rent!  The Republicans have run this township for decades.  The Democrats might have imposed (Representative Sean Casten) on us, but they can’t impose their will on our township!”

Matt Flamm, the Democratic Candidate for Highway Commissioner, denied Amy’s allegations:  

“Taxes are already too high.  We’re not going to raise them.  We might even lower them if an independent audit determines we could save money by eliminating the Highway Commissioner’s office as a taxing body.  One less tax to pay!  As for that tank claim:  I don’t know if that’s true, but I promise you, as the last Palatine Township Highway Commissioner, I will not waste taxpayer funds on military equipment!”

Palatine Township Highway Commissioner Aaron Del Mar

An associate of Del Mar, who asked not to be identified, denied there were any plans to buy M1150 vehicles. He said during a video call:  “While you’re making up false charges, Aaron is promising to save taxpayers’ money.  That’s what really matters.  Just watch him speak to this legitimate voter!”

In the video, Del Mar stood six feet away from a front door, talking to a resident.

“So,” said Del Mar.  “I understand that you saw my debate with that guy, and have a question.  Ask away.”

“Yeah,” replied a woman.  “I have a big question.  What the (expletive deleted) is organic brine?  It sounds like you’re buying overpriced saltwater from Whole Foods.”

Del Mar laughed, then said: “It’s brine with beet juice.  I may be a Republican, but I’m always willing to use environmental terms.”

“But calling it—”

“I understand your confusion.  Not everyone has a degree in Public and Environmental Management from Indiana University.  Plus I’m an accomplished businessman, Republican Committeeman, and athlete as well as a family man.”

“Wow!”  replied the woman.  “Being Highway Commissioner leaves you with too much free time.”

Del Mar laughed again:  “Yes, because I do my job efficiently and I have so much energy!  Look at me.  If it weren’t for the Cook County Democrats, we wouldn’t have an election because I am the most overqualified Highway Commissioner in the history of township highway commissioners.  Everyone in Palatine Township should thank God that I am in charge!”

The woman slammed the door.

“But I’ll accept your vote instead.”

Also in the Babbler:

Accept no substitute: Babbler endorses Bolingbrook United’s slate
Time for a clean slate: Babbler endorses DuPage Township Democrats
No more elected trolls: Babbler endorses D211 ACT slate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/1/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook Independent Voices guerrilla music video pulled from social media (Fiction)

A mysterious music video supporting the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party disappeared seconds after it was uploaded to every major social medial network.

File photo of Bolingbrook Trustee and mayoral candidate Sheldon Watts.

The video featured The Who song “Won’t Get Fooled Again.”  In the video, the masked members of an “air band” pretended to use BIV yard signs as musical instruments while they pretended to perform the song.  The video additionally featured several choreographed dances, including one in which members of Bolingbrook United and the First Party for Bolingbrook step aside and allow BIV members to march through.  Also featured in the video were rapid cuts of photographs featuring Sheldon Watts, BIV’s candidate for Mayor, and members of the First Party, including former mayor Roger Claar.  There are also clips of masked BIV supporters smashing Bolingbrook United and First Party yard signs, in apparent homage to Who guitarist Pete Townsend’s infamous guitar smashing antics on stage.  All the witnesses agreed that the video looked like it was produced by professionals.

“I was so excited when I saw it,” said Jolanda, who asked that we not use her last name.  “But when I tried to share it, Facebook said there was no video.  Not only did Facebook block it, but they made it appear it never existed.  But I know it was real.  (Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta) must have used her power to censor it!  She must have deleted it because she knows Sheldon would rock as mayor!”

Charlene Spencer, a volunteer for BIV and a covert social media operative, said she was aware of the video, but denies that BIV or her were involved in its production:

“Obviously the residents are so excited about being able to vote for Sheldon’s slate that they’re spontaneously creating music videos.  Bolingbrook United and politicians putting Roger first can censor their videos, but they can never censor the will of the Bolingbrook residents.  At least until the Republicans take over Illinois and pass their voter suppressions laws.  Anyway, on April 6, the Claar Dynasty will end, and Sheldon will usher Bolingbrook into an age of science and faith.  Trust me, you’ll understand once he wins.”

Rondel Parker, a Bolingbrook United candidate for Village Trustee, said he wasn’t aware of the video and denied that his party removed it from Social Media:

“Obviously, you’re trying to trick me into owing the Babbler a debt.  Well, it won’t work.  I don’t believe in debt.  I don’t have debt, and I’m going to get rid of Bolingbrook’s $200 million debt!  Don’t worry.  It will only hurt for a little bit.”

Alexander-Basta also denied knowing about the video:

“Like I have that kind of power over the Internet.  While I have you on Zoom, there’s something I need to bring up.  I’ve heard some people are wondering why Congressman Danny Davis named me one of the Top 20 Global Women of Excellence. Let me assure you that it’s not a cover story for a Cook County Democrat’s endorsement.  The fact is I’m a woman and Roger says I’m doing an excellent job.  Therefore I’m a woman of excellence, and I deserve to be recognized alongside other great women, like (New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern).  I’m sure Bonnie is going to mention that unfortunate incident with Rev. Sun Myung Moon, but she’s just so negative.  Everyone is entitled to a mistake or two in their lives.”

Later in the interview, Watts entered the room and said, “You have sunk to a new low, even for a Trustee-Mayor abomination.”

“Can this wait?” asked Alexander-Basta  “I’m taking a short break from my oh-so-demanding job by chatting with this reporter from the Babbler.  You know, Sheldon, this job is so demanding that I don’t know how anyone with small children could handle it.”

“Very funny,” replied Watts.  “But you won’t be laughing once I tell the voters that you had a meeting with a member of the Egyptian government.”

“Of course I have.  If you’d been paying attention you’d know that Bolingbrook is a globally recognized community, and it’s only natural that global leaders would want to contact me, one of the top twenty excellent women in the world, and the mayor of Bolingbrook.”

“Don’t play coy with me,” Watts replied.  “I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he would—”

“She.”

“She timed her meeting so it would appear in the news on the eve of early voting.  That means she’s trying to generate positive news coverage to help you win.  You’re letting the Egyptian government interfere with our election!”

“That’s ridiculous, but even if they were, so what?  Would you stop voting for my agenda if it were true?” asked Alexander-Basta

“No.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village braces for mutant mole invasion
Slenderman starts a new career as a canvasser for the Will County Republicans
Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere honored by the Interstellar Commonwealth
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/25/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook’s unofficial opposition parties respond to the 2021 State of the Village Address (Fiction)

From the Editor:  Every year we ask Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond to the 2021 State of the Village Address.  This year the Roger Claar Party, the Toter Liberation Party, the Independant [sic] Party, the Skepchick Party, and the Bolingbrook Worker’s Party accepted our invitation.  Bolingbrook Independent Voices and Bolingbrook United unfortunately declined our invitation.

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportThe Roger Claar Party
Only Roger can save Bolingbrook

Note: The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with former Mayor Roger Claar.

Mayor Mary, we too have a story to tell about 2020 in Bolingbrook.  It starts with the greatest mayor in history, Roger Claar, and the greatest village of all time, Bolingbrook.  When a pestilence depends upon our great community, the Me First Roger Second Party sees their chance to seize power.  They form an alliance with the Anti-Roger and give Roger an ultimatum: Resign, or be annexed by Cook County!  Roger, realizing that he has been betrayed, resigns.  The Anti-Roger unleashes Mayor Mary, and Bolingbrook enters the dark ages.

Roger is gone, but we can bring him back and end this dark age.  Do not be fooled by the Me First Party, the Independent of Roger Party, or the United Against Roger Party.  Only one party can bring Roger back and save Bolingbrook.  The same party that has remained loyal to Roger for over thirty years.  Yes, he’s sued us, threatened us with arrest, and thrown us off the ballot every time we’ve run, but we love him.  That will never change.

This is Bolingbrook’s last, best chance to bring back Roger from his exile in California.  On April 6, vote for the Roger Claar Party, the only party that’s proud to name ourselves after Bolingbrook’s greatest mayor.  If the residents reject us, we will disband, and this dark age will last for centuries.  Make the right choice, Bolingbrook!

The Toter Liberation Party
No Garbage Tax without garbage toters!

Bolingbrook is losing the Suburban Garbage Toter Race!  We are one of the last suburbs without garbage toters!  Our recycling toters are too small, and the lids are a joke.  Garbage pick up day in Bolingbrook might as well be called litter day.  Enough!

Residents shouldn’t suffer from former Mayor Roger Claar’s toter-phobia!  Each resident should have a toter, just like every home should have a garage.  Once you have a toter, you should be able to put it wherever you want it on your own property!  No homeowners association, police officer, or politician should take that right away from you. 

Bolingbrook United wants you to have the “option” of renting a toter.  Sheldon Watts of the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party was against toters before he was for toters!  The First Party for Bolingbrook wants to bury this in committee forever.  Nonsense!

We’re one of the last communities without full toter service.  Groot already offers toter service to the other communities they serve.  All we have to do is ask for the same deal our neighbors are getting!

Bolingbrook residents like freedom, and we do too!  We should have the freedom to be free of flying garbage, and the freedom to own toters to protect our neighbors and ourselves from garbage!  That’s why every resident will get a free toter if we’re elected.  Only people who hate freedom refuse free toters!

The Bolingbrook Independant [sic] Party
Be a politician!  Get Free Stuff!

Roger’s allies attacked her!  Watchdogs tried to scare her.  They thought she would run away.  They were wrong!  Bonnie Kurowski is back and so are we! 

Roger may be gone, but Rogerism lives on though the Citizens For Bolingbrook PAC, and his mindless servants in the First Party for Bolingbrook!  Bolingbrook Independent Voices is just Rogerism without Roger!  Sheldon, we don’t need another Roger!

We need Bonnie!  If elected, our first act will be to confirm that she is a resident of Bolingbrook, no matter where she lives.  Her foes call her dishonest, but we consider her the uncontested truth teller of Bolingbrook. Her vision is our vision, and her path is the path of real freedom and real democracy in Bolingbrook!

Young people: Consider running for office under our slate!  If you win, you’ll get lots of free stuff!  Like pensions!  Donations to your very own campaign fund.  Health Insurance!   Government funding of a non-profit organization of your choice.  Wait!  There’s more!  Find out how you can serve Bolingbrook, and how Bolingbrook can serve you!  Give us a call, and your vote!

Remember:  You’re either with us or against us.  If you’re against us, that means you’re with Roger.  If you’re with Roger, that makes you EVIL!

The Skepchick Party
An awesome village deserves and awesome party!

Note:  The Skepchick Party is not affiliated with the Skepchick network.

It’s great that Bolingbrook’s official parties are offering residents the chance to elect either a woman or an African American man as mayor.  But if you want to send an awesome slate of women to the Village Board, you should vote for the Skepchick Party.

Our platform is simple and awesome!

  • Manufacture our own COVID-19 vaccine.
  • Jail vaccine deniers and anti-maskers.
  • No more subsidizing religious organizations with village funds.  Water is awesome.  Heart Haven Outreach is not
  • Convert the Bolingbrook Golf Club into a natural science museum.  It will still reduce flooding in Bolingbrook, and educate our residents.
  • There are more important things in life than garbage toters.

We live in an awesome village.  Isn’t it time to elect a slate that’s awesome too?

The Bolingbrook Workers’ Party
It’s your money, and you should have it now!

Workers of Bolingbrook:

It’s been a tough year.  Many of you have been furloughed or laid off.  Many feel lucky just to have a job.

While you’re struggling, Weathertech CEO David MacNeil has climbed to a net worth of $1 billion.  Think about it.  Is he personally manufacturing overpriced plastic products?  No.  His workers are.  They’re the ones making the products people want to buy.  He stole $909,090 from every Weathertech worker.  Is that fair?  Does he have the freedom to steal from Bolingbrook residents?

Theft is theft!  It’s time the village board stopped helping Weathertech and Ulta rob its workers and started dealing out justice for the workers of Bolingbrook!

Some of you might say, “Wait.  That’s communism!  Isn’t communism bad?”

Yes it is bad.  Communists promised to help the workers, but their temporary “dictatorship of the proletariat” became a dictatorship of the Communist Party.  They never cared about the workers.  We do.

We’re going to skip the whole dictatorship part and jump directly to the giving the means of production back to the workers.  Under our leadership, the government will serve the real owners of Bolingbrook’s businesses.  CEO’s who try to steal your money will be arrested.  Managers who try to boss you around will be jailed.  

The best part?  We’ll get rid of all taxes.  We’ll just ask for a small village maintenance fee. It will be much lower than what you currently pay in property taxes, sale taxes, restaurant taxes, and garbage fees combined.  Plus, you’ll make a lot more money.  And you can still vote for any party you want!

We hope you’ll vote for the party that wants you to be your own employer, and not the parties that represent the people stealing your money.

Workers of Bolingbrook unite!  You have nothing to lose, except your bosses!

Also in the Babbler:

Werecoyotees clash with Palatine Police
DuPage Township Trustee candidate’s husband denies doing dental work on Bigfoot
Trustee Watts skips debate to partake in the Ball of Fire Illuminati ritual
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/16/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

“Is the worst yet to come?” A look back at a year of COVID (Non-fiction)

On March 11, 2020, The World Health Organization officially declared COVID-19 a pandemic.  The same day, Dr. Fauci testified at a Congressional Hearing and was asked if the worst was yet to come.

 

He was right.  Over 500,000 died in the US, and that’s probably an undercount.  That’s still more than the number of US fatalities from WW II, Korea, and Vietnam combined.

The virus wasn’t the only terrible thing from the past year.  Anti-science beliefs that once seemed confined to the fringes moved into mainstream politics.  I still haven’t figured out the whole “The virus is a hoax and isn’t real, but it was made in a Chinese laboratory, so, therefore, we must be at all people of Asian descent, even if they have no ties to China.” The Republican Party discarded the facade of being responsible, patriotic defenders of life.  They revealed themselves as dangerous overgrown preteen fans of Donald Trump, willing to endanger others to satisfy their selfish desires and throw insurrection tantrums if they didn’t get their way.  One of my characters, Charlene Spencer, bragged about importing a book called Democracy is Dumb.  That could just as easily be the motto of the Republican party.  Some churches were willing to endanger their communities to make money, and the Supreme Court was willing to go along with it.

There was some good.  There were also many protests against police brutality and racism.  The vast majority were peaceful.  What violence did occur was mostly initiated by governments, vigilantes, or infiltrators.  Despite the distraction of the “defund the police” slogan, Black Lives Matter’s support improved among white Americans, and more whites were willing to learn about racism.

I was fortunate over the last year.  To the best of my knowledge, I never had COVID, I was able to work remotely, and I lived in an area where I could practice social distancing.  I wasn’t, however, untouched.  I lost a family member to COVID, and I know people who were infected, including long haulers.

Looking forward, I hope the American Recovery Act and the vaccines move us to a new and hopefully better normal.  I really do hope I can get the vaccine at some point in the new year.

But I also know that while Trump is facing legal issues, Trumpism is still going strong.  With Congress closely divided and voter suppression efforts by the Republicans, the politicians inspired by Trump could make come back.

So, I have hope that things will get better, but the worst could still be yet to come.  If we let it.

Bolingbrook police defuse gender reveal hydrogen bomb (Fiction)

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

The Bolingbrook police, in cooperation with a federal Nuclear Emergency Search Team, defused a hydrogen bomb intended for a gender reveal party. 

“The suspect said he wanted to reveal his baby’s gender with a bang,” said Bolingbrook police officer Smith, who asked that we not use his/her real name.  “The problem is that bang could have killed thousands of people.  It could have been the deadliest gender reveal incident in history.  I urge all expecting parents to use common sense.  Send out a card, and keep in mind that your baby’s gender may not match their sexual organs.  Be humble.  Don’t be vandals!”

According to sources within Village Hall, a NEST leader contacted Police Chief Mike Roma and informed him that there was a nuclear bomb in Bolingbrook.  When pressed, the official said the team had no idea when it was set to go off, or who planted it.

Roma informed Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta about the bomb.  According to many sources, her first act was to call former Mayor Roger Claar.  Sources agree she left the following voicemail:

Hi Roger, it’s me again.  You told me to call you if I ever there was a major emergency.  Well, we have one now, but don’t worry.  Those terrorists will have to step over my dead body before they can blow up Bolingbrook.  I’ve got this.  Oh, and thanks for the second $20,000 check.  The opposition (Mayoral candidates Jackie Traynere and Sheldon Watts) are putting up quite a fight this time around, but thanks to your donation, we’re going to throw an awesome victory party.

Alexander-Basta then called Watts and told him to wait in the Bridal Suite at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  According to sources, she told Watts that the other trustees were going to meet there for a special meeting.

“You just want to use Roger’s luxurious office for the meeting,” said Watts.

“You mean my luxurious office.”

“Soon to be my luxurious office.”

Alexander-Basta then moved to an undisclosed location and started a zoom meeting with the remaining trustees.  After briefing the trustees, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz asked if Bolingbrook should be evacuated.  Alexander-Basta replied that it would take hours to evacuate suburban Chicago.

“The damage to our economy would be far greater than the loss of human life,” said Trustee Michael Carpanzano.  “But if we need to evacuate, I’m more than happy to create an evacuation website.”

“How can you think about websites and the economy at a time like this?” asked Jaskiewicz.

Trustee Maria Zarate replied: “You can evacuate Bolingbrook, Bob, and never come back.”

An hour later, NEST located the bomb inside a hanger at Clow Airport and informed Alexander-Basta.  She dispatched several officers to surround the hanger.  The officers arrived minutes later.

The man who was renting the hanger peacefully surrendered, and unlocked the door.  NEST members rushed into the hanger.  Moments later, one of them shouted, “It’s a Tsar Bomba!

“That can’t be an Obama bomb,” said the man.  “I asked my Russian friend for the biggest Bomb in Russia, and this is what he shipped me.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler wheeled in a UV lamp and announced that he was taking over the scene.  

“I know how to disarm an atomic bomb,” said Lawler.  “I read the instructions in a novel.  All I have to do is shine this UV light on the circuit board, and the detonation commands will be erased!  This is yet another benefit of our Restaurant Grant Program!

Despite the protests from the NEST members, Lawler irradiated the circuit board.  This was followed by several clicking sounds from the bomb.  

“What happened?” asked Lawler.

A NEST member replied: “The computer was actively preventing the arming sequence.  By destroying the computer, you just started the arming sequence!”

“But I don’t see a digital timer counting down.”

“That’s only in the movies.  Only the person who built the bomb knows how long we have.  You may have just destroyed the greater Chicago metropolitan area!”

“Oops.”

Fortunately, a NEST member discovered that the panels covering the nuclear fuel were not booby-trapped. The team was able to remove the fuel, but they could not disarm the conventional explosives inside the triggering device.  When Lawler suggested letting the bomb explode, the team explained that the bomb was still powerful enough to destroy Clow Airport, and the surrounding businesses and neighborhoods.

“Roger would be mad if I let that happened,” said Lawler.

Officer Smith then volunteered to deliver the bomb to the Elmhurst Chicago Stone Company Quarry.  Smith raced down Washington Street and Royce Road, crashed through the gates, and rolled out of the truck before it fell into the quarry.  Moments later, a pink mushroom cloud rose from the quarry.

Smith added: “After everything the Bolingbrook police department did to save Bolingbrook, the least Mayor Mary could do is sign our labor contract.”

Alexander-Basta and Lawler could not be reached for comment.

A spokesperson for Sheldon’s Bolingbrook Independent Voices Party said: “God bless the Bolingbrook Police Department.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford said:  “Great work, Charlene.  I still can’t believe you managed to spin a flyer accusing my candidates of racism and extremism as a racist and extremist attack against me.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “It was nothing.  I just asked myself what would  8kun do, and did it.  Then I wrote an inflammatory article for the Edgar County Watchdogs with the images cropped out of context.  I couldn’t have done it without their help.”

“I will thank them for you.”

“I do have a question, though.  Are you worried that some of your slate members might turn against you later on?  They do give off an Alt-Right vibe sometimes.”

“No, because I am a CPA.  That makes me special.”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghost of Dr. Seuss: They do not have to publish my books in a house or with a mouse
Illuminati to debut the Sinema dance at the Bolingbrook State of the Village address
Supercomputer explodes trying to figure out Illinois’s COVID vaccine rules
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/12/21

Wereskunks divided over Bolingbrook’s Mayoral race (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportAs the April 6 Consolidated Election approaches, Bolingbrook’s wereskunks are now fractured between supporters of the First Party for Bolingbrook and the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party.

Liz, the Priestess of Paper, announced the split in a press release. She declared her loyalty to mayoral candidate Sheldon Watts, who is currently a Village Board Trustee:

“We cannot ignore the words of the Easter Skunk! —and Archangel Leroy Brown.  Sheldon is (Former Mayor Roger Claar’s) true successor.  (Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta) is a pawn of the Devil Dogs who now control the First Party.  The heads of the Bolingbrook Family refuse to accept this enlightened truth.  So we have left the family to form our own family.  A family that will remain faithful to the Easter Skunk.  Let it be known that we have broken our bond with Mayor Mary by spraying each other as punishment for our sins, and bathed in Sheldon’s garbage so we may be born again!”

Blug, the Priest of Scraps, accused wereskunk supporters of Watts to be “heretics.”:

“We promised Roger that we would swear allegiance to Mayor Mary as we swore allegiance to him.  The Easter Skunk just told me that we must honor that oath because only Mayor Mary will protect our free access to garbage.  She will sentence supporters of toters to spend the rest of their lives in the Eighth Terrace of Purgatory: The Ad Hoc Committee!”

Paula, who asked that we not use her real name, witnessed two weredeer fighting on the campaign trail:

“When I looked outside, I saw two monster skunks clawing each other, and campaign literature littering my backyard.  A monster squirrel jumped over my fence and tossed both creatures away.  She noticed me and said this fight shouldn’t discourage me from voting in the election.  Oh, I’m going to vote in the next election.  I’m voting for Bolingbrook United!”

A member of BIV, who asked not to be identified, said that the campaign now has “unusual volunteers who like to hang out by the dumpster before canvassing.”  The member would not elaborate further.

A volunteer for the First Party claims she’s worked with “unusual” volunteers as well:

“They always insist on taking the garbage out, but it never ends up in the dumpster.  If someone comes in wearing perfume or cologne, they start gagging and run away.  They also use the word ‘stink’ a lot.  I went canvassing with one of them, and he rewrote the script to make Sheldon sound really evil.  I reminded him to stay positive, and he said he positively hated Sheldon.  I said that just because Sheldon exchanged Roger’s love for Willie Wilson’s love—I don’t know—that doesn’t mean we have to hate him.  That didn’t change his mind. So I reported him to (Trustee Michael Carpanzano), but Michael told me not to think negative thoughts.”

Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.

A spokesperson for BIV called to deny the story:

“We are a diverse party that represents the diversity of Bolingbrook, but that diversity does not include fake monsters!”

In the background, a woman who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford said:  “Sheldon, you have to help!  One minute she’s posting on Facebook as herself, then she went all Bonnie on us.”

A woman made a growling noise and said: “Bring Bonnie to me so she can suck my guns before my hellhounds Hitler, Pinochet, and Franco devour her mortal shell.  Lyn and Deb will be happy.”

“Why are you referring to one of your sock puppets as a real person?” asked a man who sounded like Watts.  “For that matter, why are you referring to yourself in third person?  You do know you who you really are, right?”

“Yes!  My name is Legion, for we are many.”

“Oh no!” said the man who sounded like Watts.  “I must use the holy power of Jesus to cast Legion off the face of the Earth!”

“Hey!” said covert social media operative Charlene Spencer.  “That was an awesome TV movie.  Rick Springfield was robbed of an Emmy.”

“Charlene, I need your help.  You’re the only person who could possibly get me 2000 pigs!”

“Sheldon.  You don’t really think she’s possessed by Legion, do you?  Can’t you see she’s obviously suffering from a case of Sock Puppet Psychosis?”

“I’ve never heard of that,” said the man who sounded like Watts.

Spencer replied: “It sometimes happens if you have too many sock puppet accounts, and you forget which account is really you and which are the fake personalities.  Just keep her offline for a few days and she’ll sort it out.”

Also in the Babbler:

Doctors revive frozen Snow Command Driver
Editorial: Presidents are not dictators
Will County Republicans deny plans to build giant Odal rune
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/3/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.