Biden addresses hostile Space Force troops in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Former Vice President Joe Biden received a hostile reception during a surprise visit to Space Force Troops stationed in Bolingbrook.

“Lock her up!” yelled many of the soldiers in unison.

“Is that supposed to be an insult?” asked Biden during his address.

Lieutenant Colonel Blake Z. Baker, the commander of the 1st Space Force High Border Wall Battalion, replied: “It’s what the soldiers are trained to say to anyone (President Donald Trump) doesn’t approve of.”

According to anonymous sources, Biden contacted Baker and demanded to address the troops.  When Baker refused, Biden presented documents proving he was a member of the Illuminati.  Baker then pointed out that Biden is an active member of the New World Order, and therefore couldn’t be a member of the Illuminati.

“Give me a break,” replied Biden.  “I believe in bipartisanship and in dual secret society memberships.  I fought the Trump Mayor to a draw over this, but it was really no contest.  Here’s the deal:  You let me address the troops, and my illuminated friend Pop-Tart won’t tell Donald about your Ukrainian friend.”

Baker hastily gathered the troops, upsetting many.

“I was practicing tear gas skills when we got the call,” said Private Carl V. Drake.  “I was about to set the record for gassing an apartment—I mean an enemy hive.  Now I can’t wait to vote for Trump.”

In his speech, Biden reminded the soldiers that all branches of the military serve the country, not the President:

“Our country is great because of our professional military.  They know their job is to protect our country from enemies outside the US.  When a country’s military gets involved in politics, it gets ugly.  I mean really ugly!  We’re talking coups, assassinations, and dropping dissidents from helicopters.”

“What’s wrong with that?”  yelled a heckler.

“Come on, man!  Do I really need to tell you?”

Biden later said that he expected all branches to respect the results of the November election.  He added that if Trump loses and refuses to leave office, he would order all military branches to respect his command and send soldiers to drag Trump out of the oval office.

The soldiers booed then chanted: “Submit!  Don’t resist!”

 “Look,” replied Biden.  “I understand you’ve been brainwashed by Trump.  You think you’re nothing without your Space Force uniform.  But here’s the deal:  I consider all of you part of the military.  Once Trump is out of office, you’ll come to your senses and embrace bipartisanship.  It’ll be just like the old days, only better.  Am I right?”

“Eight more years!”  chanted the soldiers.

Biden turned to Baker.  “You’re coaching them aren’t you?”

“I’d get out of here if I was you.”

“I was going to leave anyway.  Just remember not to interfere when the interplanetary absentee ballots are delivered to Earth.”

“It is our responsibility to destroy any fake ballots and kill those who threaten us.  MAGA!”

After Biden left the base, a campaign staffer, who asked to remain anonymous, defended the speech:

“Trump is lying about Biden being weak and alone.  Today he addressed a hostile group of elite killers.  I mean soldiers.  That proves that Joe is tough enough to rebuild our country and stand up to the “squad” and appease Republicans.  I’m sure this will win us the moderate UFO believer vote!”

Also in the Babbler

ASPCA investigates Carnival of Curiosity
Bolingbrook Temple of Set endorses Trump
Wereskunks rename sacred trash pile to honor former Mayor Roger Claar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/18/2020

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

For the September Fundraiser: A special preview and an auction! (Non-fiction)

The lawsuits are settled, but the legal bills still need to be paid.  So Freethought Blogs will be hosting a fundraiser.  I’ll be contributing two things.

First, I’ll be auctioning off a PDF collection of Babbler articles published before I moved the FTB.  Some of them haven’t been online in years.  I’m still putting it together, but I’m pretty sure it will include the infamous “Bank of Roger” article and one of my favorites, “EvoPsych House.”  The tentative title is God to Smite Bolingbrook: The Best of the Bolingbrook Babbler 1998 to 2017.

Here are the rules:

  • Bidding starts at $1
  • You can place a bid in the comments for this article or by email. I will post the amount of an emailed bid in the comments. 
  • The auction will run from 9/14/20 to 9/27/20 11:59 PM.
  • The winner will only have to pay $1 more than the second-highest bid.
    • For example, if the highest bid is $100 and the second-highest bid is $75, the winner will only have to pay $76.
  • I reserve the right to refuse or reduce bids.
  • After the auction, the winner will need to email proof of payment to receive the PDF. 

(Thanks to Marcus for the rules.)

Second, I’ll be reading an excerpt from my in-progress novel: The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story.  If the fundraiser reaches $250, I’ll post a recording.  If it reaches $500, I’ll do it live!  You can make a donation through PayPal.  

Many of the other FTB Bloggers will be hosting auctions, participating in panels, and other events during the fundraiser.  The schedule is here.  It will be a fundraiser in the defense of free speech and a fun virtual conference.  I hope to see you there!

Web Exclusive Guest Opinion: A FEW THOUGHTS ON 9/11 AND OUR CURRENT MOMENT

File image of Congressman Sean Casten.

By Congressman Sean Casten (IL06)

This guest opinion is based on a twitter thread posted on 9/11/20. He is a member of the Congressional Freethought Caucus.
I grew up in the NYC suburbs in the 1980s. I wasn’t living there in 2001, but still had lots of friends and family in the area. A good family friend was on flight 93. He was, among other things a pilot. We’d like to believe he had some heroic role in those final moments given his training.
I was working in MA at the time and was in the process of training a new sales rep when we were interrupted with news that “a small plane” hit one of the towers. It seemed insignificant, in the way that breaking news sometimes does. Of course, the news moved quickly and (by completely random coincidence) the power went out in our office. Caused by a line worker in our office park, but felt like the beginning of a national disaster. We sent everyone home. I called my wife who was on her way to grad school and told her I had no idea what was going on, but to get home. We met and watched TV for the rest of the day.
There is nothing heroic in my story, but for the universality of it. Our day was like everyone else’s in the country – and the world. We were panicked, heartbroken, confused, saddened, angry… and yet united by our common humanity.
And the day was a mix of almost absurd specificity (my friend on flight 93) and global generality (who did this? Why?) Even if you didn’t know anyone who died on 9/11, the nature of the event made it personal. This story from Esquire captures that vibe almost perfectly: https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a48031/the-falling-man-tom-junod/
Now to the current moment. We’ve lost more Americans to COVID-19 this week than we lost on 9/11. Each of the 192,000+ we have lost is also a very specific person with friends, neighbors and loved ones who had plans. Who may or may not have been heroic in their final moments. But who did nothing to deserve their fate. We can’t afford to lose sight of that. I’ll leave psychologists to explain why an individual friend’s death is more of a gut punch than the deaths of 3,000 (or 192,000) strangers. But the tragedy is greater, not smaller for the larger loss.
George W Bush, for all his flaws, understood that on 9/11. He reminded us we were all Americans. He reminded us this wasn’t about a religion. Most Americans, and the best of our elected officials still understand that.
So be strong today. Celebrate our shared humanity. Don’t sink to the level of those who can’t do that; model the behavior you’d like them to follow. #leadwithlove.

UFOs displaying Jeanne Ives ads crash in Naperville (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Ten UFOs displaying ads for Congressional candidate Jeanne Ives crashed in Naperville Sunday eve.   The UFOs lifted off from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base at 7:30 pm, but each craft reported equipment malfunctions when they flew over Lisle at 7:45.

A transcript from one of the pilots read: “Our hologram is spinning!  The ground is above me!  There are too many trees!”

Other pilots claimed they were victims of the so-called Lisle Square, a mysterious region in Lisle where some UFO’s experience anomalies.  The last crash associated with the Lisle Square occurred in 2008 when K09 UFO crashed into Four Lakes Ski Hill.

When Clow traffic control ordered the craft to fly south, the UFOs flew westward instead.  The leader explained that flying west would have saved the crew of Flight 19.  Flight 19 was a Navy Air Squadron that flew into the Bermuda Triangle wormhole back in 1945.

Instead of regaining control by flying west, the UFOs lost power once they left Lisle airspace and crashed in the downtown Naperville area.

John X. Carter witnessed one of the UFOs crash into downtown Naperville:  “I saw this burning disc with a Jeanne Ives ad in a power dive.  I turned to run away because I thought it was going to hit an apartment building. A few seconds later, I stopped when I heard a fire alarm go off.  The apartment was fine and I didn’t see any sign of the UFO.  The fire department blocked off the area behind the apartment and got really mad when I tried to take a look.  Maybe it phased cloaked through the apartment and crash-landed in the Library parking lot?”

Clow officials denied the existence of the Lisle Square and insisted there was a rational explanation for the accident.

“These display ad crafts have the same design flaw as the K09,” said Joan Armstrong, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “They’ll travel thousands of light-years without any issue, only to fall apart when they reach Earth.  There is no Lisle Square and don’t make us drag Brian Dunning out of obscurity to debunk it!”

Armstrong confirmed that the fleet was paid for by the Ives campaign to display her ads above the Sixth Congressional District.

“If she wants a refund, she’ll have to talk to the crew.  Clow assumes no responsibility for defective UFOs that just happen to be in our airspace.”

An anonymous staffer for the Ives campaign denied that Ives is spending money on UFO advertising:

“Jeanne’s signs are being defaced with vulgar words like (expletive deleted).  (Congressman Sean Casten) won’t denounce his (transphobic remark deleted) (racist remark deleted) (sexist remark deleted) gang!”

A woman who sounded like Ives said, “Remember what’s on the banner outside?”

“I’m sorry, but ‘Mobs or Jobs’ is lame.  Why can’t we just say (racist remark deleted) or militias?”

“I’ve played dog-whistle politics longer than you’ve been alive, so don’t you dare lecture me on what slogans I should use.  Now tell that reporter that Sean is the real divider and Pat Brady is an evil R.I.N.O!”

A spokesperson for the Casten campaign reached by Zoom laughed and talked about Casten’s work on climate change.

In the background, a woman who resembles covert social media operative Charlene Spencer spoke while wearing a modified full-face snorkel mask:  “You’re going to love these scripts, and I won’t charge you for the production.”

A woman wearing a hazmat suit replied:  “Thanks, but we already produced our first TV ad.  Here’s the first one.”

“You’re going with the nerd angle?  Seriously?  Have you guys seen how dark and depressing the world is today?”

“Yes.”

“Then why are you running a funny ad?”

“Because where there’s humor, there’s hope.  A vote for Sean is a vote for hope.”

“Oh, please!”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was speaking with the co-village administrators and could not be disturbed:

“Have a great day, and don’t blame Mayor Mary for two more weeks of COVID mitigation rules.”

In the background, a man shouted, “Zombies!  2020 has unleashed zombies on Bolingbrook!”

A man who sounded like Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar yelled:  “Just because they named a street after me doesn’t mean I’m dead!”

Also in the Babbler:

Joshie Berger closes Clow’s Worst to First restaurant
Bolingbrook man’s blood turns to vodka after taking Russian COVID vaccine
Editorial:  Nineteen years later, the terrorists lost, but so did we
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/12/20