Web Exclusive: Race for interim Mayor: Trustee Jaskiewicz holds narrow lead in the latest Babble Poll! (Mixed)

File photo of Robert Jaskiewicz (Left) and Michael Carpanzano at a 2014 Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce event.

By Dale Onofrey
Political Columnist

With Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar retiring this week, I decided to use our exclusive Babble Poll to see who the residents want to be Bolingbrook’s next mayor.  It turns out they narrowly favor Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz over Trustee Michael Carpanzano:

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz 30%
Trustee Michael Carpanzano 20%
Trustee Mary Basta 10%
Trustee Michael Lawler 10%
Village Clerk Carol Penning 10%
Trustee Maria Zarate 10%
Beg Naperville to annex Bolingbrook instead 10%

Conventional wisdom says Michael Lawler, a member of the ruling First Party for Bolingbrook party, has the advantage in the race for interim mayor.  However, I think if there’s enough popular support, enough FPB trustees might break with Roger, and support Bob.  While that might seem like a promotion for Jaskiewicz, it could be a clever trap.  With the new co-executives running the day to day operations of the village, and FPB still in control, a Mayor Jaskiewicz would have no real power.  In what I call the Nightmare Scenario, Roger’s allies would run the village, and “Blame Bob” whenever things went wrong.  Unless Jaskiewicz is able to use the position of Mayor to build up his base and lead BU to victory.

Carpanzano, on the other hand, might be able to persuade the other Trustees that he’s the most qualified candidate to replace Claar.  After all, he could argue, he is the Bolingbrook Patch Mayor.  Is it really that different than being Bolingbrook’s mayor?

The biggest surprise of all is Trustee Sheldon Watt’s abysmal showing in this poll.  It seems like more residents would rather disband Bolingbrook than have him serve as mayor.  He has a lot of work to do if he wants to catch up with the other trustees in the race to be interim mayor.

I can’t wait to see how the next few weeks play out.  No matter who wins, Bolingbrook will end up with its first new mayor in over 30 years!

From the Webmaster: This poll has a margin of error of over 30 percent, and that’s being generous for an online poll.  It’s also likely that Claar selected his successor before he announced his retirement, and the vote next month will just be a formality.  In other words, my brother is not Nate Silver.

 

 

 

 

Aliens and Illuminati sponsor an emotional and extravagant retirement party for Mayor Claar (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Mayor Claar delivers his retirement speech while an alien watches.

Mayor Roger Claar (Left) delivers his retirement speech while alien ambassador Zokla (Right) looks on.

Friends, allies, and aliens paid tribute to Mayor Roger Claar at his retirement party Saturday night.  It was live-streamed from the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Claar, who was appointed mayor and administrator of Clow UFO Base in 1986, enjoyed a retirement party hosted by the Illuminati and the Interstellar Commonwealth.  Most of the guests watched online, while 49 “special human guests” attended with Claar.  All the special guests wore biohazard suits.

“I knew someone would throw a retirement party for me,” Claar said to the guests.  “I never dreamed it would happen during a pandemic.  Now the Illuminati didn’t create the coronavirus, but boy did they do a good job of exploiting it!”

The highlight of the retirement party was the world premiere of “Roger!” a musical about Claar’s rise from school administrator to the longest-serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history, as well as the first Bolingbrook mayor to win re-election. Former Styx lead singer Dennis DeYoung played Claar, accompanied by a cast of aliens.  Claar seemed to enjoy the songs, including “Breathe Fresh Air (Go Vote for Claar), “If I Had a Campaign Fund,” “Why Can’t I Convict You DA (James Glasgow’s Theme),” “Toll Riding,” “George Ryan is everywhere (Including Jail),” “A Few for the Road,” “Bonnie Can’t Beat Me,” and “The Foes Are Uniting Against Me! (Jackie’s Theme)”

“That was the best musical I’ve seen since Hamilton,” Claar said after the show.  “Dennis, you’ve come a long way since Kilroy was Here!”

“Thank you,” replied Young.  “I just needed the right inspiration.  I thought Robots and Rock would inspire me, but it was you all along.”

Steve, the grand king of the Wereskunks, gave Claar a ball of newspaper. He said it was the highest honor the wereskunks could bestow on a human:

“When garbage toters spread throughout Chicagoland, you said no.  Thanks to you, our cousins still have easy access to garbage.  We were going to worship you, but you said that was too much.  So please accept our highest honor, and the promise that we will support any candidate who will hold the line against garbage toters!”

“Thank you,” said Claar as he wiped his eyes.  “I think I got some Rum and Coke in my eyes.”

Trustee Michael Carpanzano gave Claar a picture of himself in a gold frame:

“Roger, you’ve had many trustees, and I wanted to give you something that would remind of you them.”

“It’s just a picture of you.”

“So?”

Trustee Sheldon Watts gifted Claar with a photo of a galaxy and a Bible:

“You are a faithful person and believe in science.  I hope you will think of me when you enjoy these gifts.”

“I’ll think about Michael and you when endorsement season starts.”

Zokla, an ambassador from the Interstellar Commonwealth, talked about Claar’s years as administrator of Clow UFO Base:

“When Roger talked about growing the population of Bolingbrook, and expanding the size of Clow UFO Base, we thought we might need to perform an intervention.  Over thirty Earth orbits later, Bolingbrook has grown from about 40,000 people to around 74,545 people.  I was going to say it is still growing, but who knows?”  Anyway, Clow is the largest urban UFO Base in the world, and still has the fewest number of security breaches per capita.  So, Roger, now that you are retiring, what are you going to do with your oversized interstellar campaign fund?”

“None of your damn business,” Claar replied.

Later, Claar thanked those who attended the party.  He then presented a holographic slide show about his achievements as mayor:

“We’ve grown from a small underdeveloped village to a large village.  We have the best luxury golf club, and we are the only Chicago suburb to develop its own mansion district!  Former Mayor Bob Bailey built a road to nowhere.  I built factories and office parks on it.  People love me so much, that I have one of the largest campaign funds in Illinois!  There used to be many political parties in Bolingbrook.  I got that number down to one. People trusted me to get rid of those who didn’t put Bolingbrook first!”

Claar apologized to Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler:  “I’m going to break my rule and use the ’s’ word.  I’m sorry I’m leaving you with a pandemic, retail stores in decline, protesters, and a rising opposition party.  I want to spend more time with my family, because who knows if we’re going to survive the year 2020?  But don’t worry.  I’m putting two of my best people in charge of Village Hall, and I’m returning the mayor’s job to a part-time position.  This will discourage that opposition party, and secure my legacy for at least a year.”

“Roger,” Lawler replied, “When I met you, Bolingbrook was a washed-out community.  It’s a washed-out community again, and I think I remember how we fixed it last time…Oh no.  I did it again.”

“Yes, you did, but if you screw this up, I’ll find out, no matter where in the world I may be. Then I’ll use my campaign fund and political action committee to fix things.  By the way, everyone here is welcome to make a donation to either fund.”

Claar then finished his speech thanking the residents of Bolingbrook for electing him, and the Illuminati for supporting him.

“I guess the word really is pronounced ‘Fnord’ and the ’n’ isn’t silent.  Oh well, I don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

QAnon, representing the Illuminati, performed the Rite of Fire and said Claar had just been appointed to the Illuminati’s Order of the Stairway.

“What will I have to do?”

“For now, just collect your Illuminati pension.  We’ll find you when the time comes.”

“That sounds ominous.”

“Let me tell you something:  Keep an eye on the junior guy.”

“I suppose that means something.”

“Trust me.”

QAnon then commanded Young to play one more song.  Young and his band started to perform “Come Sail Away.”

In the middle of the song, Claar walked up to his daughter and said he had a surprise for her waiting on the Moon.

“But we can’t leave yet,” his daughter replied.  “Are we going to tell the guests to attend your last Village Board meeting on Tuesday, July 28 at 7:00 PM?  Or to watch the trustees attempt to stage dive in your honor?”

“Whatever (name redacted).  We’re out of here.”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar orders all weredeer out of Bolingbrook
Roger Claar Party members arrested for painting ‘Claar Matters’ on Lindsey LN
Weredog protesters demand Trustee Jaskiewicz be appointed Mayor of Bolingbrook
Babbler to publish special Roger Claar edition on Wednesday
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/30/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

FTB’s real on the ground reporter in Portland (Non-fiction)

Crip Dyke, who blogs at Pervert Justice, is posting her eyewitness accounts of the Portland protests. Including this account from July 21:

But the cops made no effort to arrest peacefully. From that first arrest pinning someone down, it was about overwhelming force. When the tear gas comes 80 seconds later, no one has been warned. This is not an attempt to safeguard people. The cops were safe inside the building. It’s not an attempt to safeguard property – they spend more money on the defense than they could possibly spend on cleaning bill or replacing a door. This was an effort to punish. And punish they did.

That first effort sent tear gas just barely across the street from the courthouse, and caused people to pull back no more than 3 blocks. They did eventually advance tear gas through most of that park block, but except for my and my slow-ass self, they appeared to be shooting the tear gas behind the line of retreat just to keep people moving west, not to trap them (or at least most of them) in the smoke. The front ranks were only a block and a half away from the courthouse while the first round of gas was clearing. They maintained a presence there for a half an hour, then slowly returned to the Fed Building Justice Center for a bit of organizing, speaking and chanting. It took me longer to return close to the front because I had been so badly affected by the gas.

She’s at ground zero of what I feel is a test run for outright authoritarianism in the United States.  We cannot tolerate masked officers in unmarked vehicles snatching up civilians and detaining them without charges.  Nor should we tolerate the officers’ attempts to brutally dominate a population of a city.   With Trump deploying officers to other cities, what is happening there, could very happen in other US cities.

So I’ll be reading Crip Dyke’s accounts, and I hope you will too.

Bolingbrook Antifa rescues Trustee Michael Carpanzano (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Antifa claims it rescued Bolingbrook Trustee Michael Carpanzano from unidentified federal officers.

An alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank.

Part of their press release read: “As much as we can’t stand that self-promoting, Trump-loving piece of (*expletive deleted), he didn’t deserve to be captured by Trump’s stormtroopers!  We hope that by giving him a second chance, he will appreciate our efforts to fight fascism!  Though we suspect he’ll instead double down on the Republican party’s efforts to turn the word ‘freedom’ into a meaningless cliche…”

According to various sources connected to Bolingbrook Antifa and Carpanzano, Carpanzano was leaving village hall when masked federal officers stepped out of an unmarked van and accosted him. The officers, each carrying an assault rifle, grabbed Carpanzano and pulled him towards the van.  Carpanzano cried out to nearby police officers, but they ignored him.  

After he was pushed into the van, Carpanzano cried out: “Don’t you know who I am?  I’m Michael Carpanzano, the mayor of Bolingbrook Patch!  Let me go right now, or I’ll block all of you on Facebook.  Trust me, you don’t want to be carped!”

As the van drove away from Village Hall, the anonymous officers accused Carpanzano of being a Black Lives Supporter.  Carpanzano insisted he was a Trump-loving Republican and that he was sure Trump knew who he was.  The officers accused him of lying and showed him a printout of an article about Bolingbrook’s Black Lives Matter march back in June.  

“If you weren’t the organizer of this anti-suburban march, why are you so prominently featured?”

“I was against the march at first, but when it didn’t turn into a riot, I decided I couldn’t resist the opportunity to get positive press coverage!”

Carpanzano, according to the sources, insisted that he loved the police.

“They don’t seem to love you.”

At that point, Bolingbrook’s Antifa tank crashed into the unmarked van.  Activists threw tear gas into the van and pulled Carpanzano out.  The officers tried to recapture Carpanzano but retreated when the activists fired “non-lethal rounds” at them.

“How do you like your own medicine?” one activist yelled back.

The activists treated Carpanzano and drove him back home.  According to the sources, Carpanzano called them “An-tee-fa” and said they were the real fascists.

An activist replied: “Never heard of them.  We are Antifa, as in anti-fascism.  Our great-grandparents fought against fascism, and we’re not going to let their actions be in vain.  Tell (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) to stand up to the coming fascist invasion and remind him that they will always come for you in the end.”

Carpanzano refused to be interviewed.

A receptionist for Claar said he could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Ms. Benson, I highly doubt that the staff of the Babbler shares your opinions about Trans people.  You need to do better than that if you want to shame me into banning Bolingbrook Pride.”

Also in the Babbler:

Venus announces travel ban to Clow UFO Base
Claar bans alien abduction of children due to COVID-19 concerns
Speaker Michael Madigan asks for political asylum on Mars
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/22/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Space aliens will not enroll their children in Chicagoland’s schools due to COVID-19 (Fiction)

For the first time since the early 1970s, space alien students will not be enrolled at any Chicagoland schools.

Instead, the Interstellar Commonwealth will set up schools at each of Chicagoland’s three UFO bases:  Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook, Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine, and Peotone UFO Base in Will County.

“Too many humans believe their god of guns will protect them from COVID-19,” said Ostogot, an ambassador from the Interstellar Commonwealth, during a conference call with base administrators.  “We believe it is best for our children to watch this pandemic out from the comfort of a UFO base.”

Palatine’s Village Manager Reid Ottesen promised to provide a “Fremd High School” quality education to all alien students:  “While we enjoy hosting our interstellar students, this school year we need to provide as much space as possible for our human students.  We appreciate our visitors’ understanding as D211 and D15 start the year off with a hybrid schedule.  Who knows how long that will last?  Still, by keeping your children on base, both school districts can give it a try.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar thanked the Interstellar Commonwealth for funding and staffing Clow’s school:  “Since Clow is still locked down, onsite learning was never an option for our alien students.  Some suggested drones for each student, but I vetoed that.  My school district needs all of the social distancing space it can get.  Thanks to Ostogot, our visitors can enjoy a full safe school experience, while Bolingbrook’s children will learn the harsh truth that nature wants us all dead.”

Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere said that alien children already went to school on base:  “This year, we were hoping to introduce alien students to the D207U district.  However, with cases rising in Illinois, we’ve decided to wait another year.”

Traynere then added her “good friend” Dr. Anthony Fauci to the conference call:

“This is the first sensible decision about schools I’ve heard this month,” said Fauci.  “Cases are rising in the US and in Illinois.  We should be talking about getting the outbreak back under control.  Instead, we’re reopening Disney World!  Human children aren’t immune to COVID-19 and now we think aliens aren’t immune either.”

“Wait a minute,” yelled Claar.  “Last week you said aliens were immune and those aliens in Palatine probably died from something else.”

“I said it was unlikely aliens could get COVID-19, and there was a chance the aliens in Palatine died from something else.  Today I just got new studies that proved that the virus can survive in some alien bodies.  Most won’t get sick, but they can spread the virus.  Those who get sick will either die or suffer long term disabilities.  Oh, and we found traces of the novel Coronavirus in the ashes of those aliens.”

“Dear God!  I can’t keep up with all of these developments.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Why are you scientists always changing your mind about this virus?”

“Because it’s a novel virus that has never infected humans before.  So the learning curve is steep and deadly.  Kind of like the video game Eve Online.”

“Huh.  At least tell me there’s a cure on the way.”

“Permission to speak freely.”

“I suppose.”

“We might have an AIDS vaccine before we have a long-lasting COVID-19 vaccine.  The secret vaccine we have now is only effective for 12 hours.”

“Twelve hours?  How can we hope to achieve herd immunity if the vaccine only lasts 12 hours?”

“Herd immunity?  That’s a good one, your honor.  The best we can do to prevent reinfections is hope the general public is willing to wear masks and practice social distancing for several more years.”

“Years?  Oh dear God, we’re screwed!  Excuse me.  I need to start counting down from 500 to calm down.”

The administrators finished up the meeting by explaining that the alien students will not be allowed to participate in sports with human students.  Instead, aliens students will only participate in interplanetary competitions. 

Zoblogot, Captain of the Bolingbrook High School Interplantary Football Team, told the administrators most alien students support the decision.

“Human sports camps are being canceled, and who knows if there will be human high school athletics this year?  We’re going to miss our human friends, but everyone in Bolingbrook should know that we will be fighting for Raider pride among the stars!”

Also in the Babbler:

Downers Grove resident saw alien holding a Casten yard sign
Bolingbrook STEM association denies it has found the cure for COVID-19
Palatine Township finally admits COVID-19 threat ‘might’ not be exaggerated
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/14/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Jeanne Ives’s canvassers spread beyond Illinois’ Sixth Congressional District according to eyewitnesses (Fiction)

File photo of Jeanne Ives taken by the College of DuPage’s staff.

Canvassers claiming to be volunteers for Congressional candidate Jeanne Ives have been spotted outside the Sixth Congressional District.

“Door to door canvassing is bad enough during a pandemic,” said Liz, a Bolingbrook resident.  “Seeing one of her canvassers in Bolingbrook is scary.  Do they even know what office she’s running for?  For that matter, does Jeanne?  She talks so much about Illinois politics that I wonder if she thinks running to be (Governor JB Pritzker’s) boss?”

Andrea X. Parker, a resident of Naperville, claims a canvasser accosted her on her front yard:

“This guy tried to shake my hand.  I told him to keep his distance.  He stepped back but said that a judge ruled that we no longer have to practice social distancing.  I asked him how a judge could rule a virus out of existence?  He said Jeanne gave Trump a performance grade of ‘A,’ and that was all he needed to know.  I said that was all I needed to know about Jeanne.”

Wendy Lee, a resident of Romeoville, also claims an Ives canvasser visited her:

“I told this guy he was lost because I live in the 11th Congressional District.  He said Team China Carrier was assigned to my district.  Then he showed me a patch with one half depicting a US aircraft carrier, and the other half depicting a bat with the caption “China’s Newest Carrier.”  He said Jeanne’s son made the patch.  I told him to (Expletive Deleted) off.  First of all, it was disrespectful to the crew of the Theodore Roosevelt.  Second, it is racist to refer to COVID-19 as the Chinese Virus. Especially when there are more cases in the US.  Third, China’s upcoming carriers are nothing to laugh at.  That man just smiled and said, ‘Somebody needs a great big hug.’  I wonder how many people her campaign is infecting?”

Colby, a resident of Paris, IL, claims one of her former classmates tried to canvass on behalf of Ives:

“When I heard him saying I should resign my checkbook to Jeanne Ives, I lost it.  I said: ‘Billy Bo Bob, that doesn’t make any sense, and you’re going to get everyone in Edgar County infected and waste all those months we stayed at home.’  When he said he wasn’t afraid of the flu, I said this is worse than the flu and that Jeanne may sound like a downstater, but she’s really a Chicago politician.  He said he wanted to kill me, but he was going to tell the Edgar County Watchdogs on me instead.  I said the only thing he was going to do was get them killed.  Then I said he should stay off their website because they don’t even have the brains to understand all the law books they’ve been reading!”

A person who claimed to be a spokesperson for the Ives campaign would neither confirm nor deny the existence of canvassers:

“Jeanne Ives is holding a perfectly legal BBQ at our campaign headquarters, and there are no Chicago-style hot dogs here.  We are eating Oscar-Myer hotdogs with ketchup and we’re going to call it the Wheaton Dog.  Checkmate Chicago liberals!”

A person who claimed to be a spokesperson for Representative Sean Casten’s campaign  had no comment about the Ives canvassers:

“We are responsibly campaigning for Sean because he cares about the residents of the district and he believes in science.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to put on my biohazard suit before I deliver our yard signs.”

Also in the Babbler:

Doctors Without Planets deploy to Peotone UFO Base
Bolingbrook mayoral candidate Jackie Traynere holds Zoom meeting with weredogs
Naperville mayor denies bidding to host the ‘American Heroes’ garden
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/8/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Breaking News! Jackie Traynere announces candidacy for Mayor of Bolingbrook (Mixed)

Will County Board member and former Bolingbrook mayoral candidate Jackie Traynere announced on social media that she will be running for mayor of Bolingbrook in 2021.

“Here in Bolingbrook, we have a court of village trustees and a king-like mayor,” said Traynere in her video.  “It is with that in mind that I am here today with my independent voice to keep us moving forward and begin the process of shedding our yoke of oppression.”

The New World Order released a statement endorsing Traynere:  “We are confident that Jackie will help us liberate Clow UFO Base from the Illuminati and bring a new era of freedom and responsibility to Bolingbrook.  (Mayor Roger Claar’s) defection from our Order will be avenged, and the universe will once again flock to Bolingbrook.  E Pluribus Unum!”

The Illuminati released the following statement:  “We are confident that there will be no elections in 2021 due to another wave of COVID-19 infections and the start of the Second Civil War.  Jackie Traynere’s campaign will be lost in the chaos, and the New World Order will finally be destroyed.  Fnord!”

The political action committee Voters Who Put Bolingbrook First released a statement:  “While we have many disagreements with Jackie, we hope that she will listen to us after we flood social media with anti-Claar memes.  Never Claar!  Don’t be fooled again!”

One Bolingbrook One Party PAC released the following statement:  “Jackie has no experience as Bolingbrook Patch Mayor.  Therefore, Trustee Michael Carpanzano is the only positive choice for the next Mayor of Bolingbrook!”

Claar’s comments were unprintable.

Video: Stephanie Goldfarb on “At the Intersection of Queer & Jewish: Why It’s Tough Out Here for Some of Us.” (Non-fiction)

Last month, Kol Hadash Humanistic Congregation held its annual Pride Shabbat service.  This year, Stephanie Goldfarb was the guest speaker.  She is both a Jewish educator and an LGBTQ activist, as well as the winner of Food Network’s “America’s Best Cook” in 2014.  Her talk was titled: “At the Intersection of Queer & Jewish: Why It’s Tough Out Here for Some of Us.”  She also mentions the removal of rainbow Star of David Flags at the 2017 Chicago Dyke March and how the experience affected her as both an organizer of the march, and as a member of the Jewish community.

Note:  I serve on the Kol Hadash Steering Committee.