Russian special forces soldiers distribute fireworks in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Sources within the Bolingbrook police department claim that Russian Special Forces are distributing free fireworks to residents.

Cheap fireworks and bored residents are a bad combination,” said Phil, a police officer who asked that we not use his last name.  “Adding Russian Special Forces just makes things worse.”

Marie, who asked that we not use her last name, claims four Russian Special Forces troops knocked on her front door. They were wearing Hawaiian shirts over their urban camouflage uniforms.  They knocked on her door and showed her a crate of fireworks:

“They asked me to do the Electric Boogaloo with them.  I said if they meant starting the Second Civil War, they needed to talk to my husband.  He came downstairs, and I walked away.  I don’t want to be involved.”

Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, said a special forces squad parachuted into his backyard:

“I thought about pulling out my gun, but I figured they’d kill me first.  When they presented me with a crate and said, ‘Help us make Bolingbrook sound like a war zone,” I wanted to give them a hug.  I didn’t of course.  War zones sound like fun.  I know Bolingbrook can do a better job of setting off fireworks than the New York Police can.”

While many residents interviewed appreciated the free fireworks, Marie had her concerns:

“It just seems like the Russians want to use the fireworks for something.  I don’t know, like covering up an invasion.  I mean, they did put out bounties on our troops.  Maybe that was just the beginning?”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was out of the office and had no plans to come back that day:

“Everyone should listen to Snowy the Bolingbrook Fireworks skunk:  ‘Don’t set off your own fireworks.  Watch Bolingbrook’s fireworks display on July 4th.”

A public service infographic from the Village of Bolingbrook about fireworks.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Cue the dramatic music and the voiceover says, “Call Governor Pritzker today and thank him for saving you from the Illinois Republican Covidiots!”  Fade to black.  You think JB will like the pitch, Bob?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said:  “But you work for Roger and the Republicans.”

“I’m trying to diversify my portfolio.”

“But why should Pritzker trust you—”

“Oh come on now.  You liberals love the Lincoln Project, but you guys know they’re going to turn on Joe Biden after Trump is defeated, right?  However, Biden is smart enough to know that he needs their help.  I’m willing to help JB, and hope he’s smart enough to accept it.”

“Until you turn against him.”

“As my grandmother’s favorite band used to sing, ‘Roll with the changes.’”

Also in the Babbler

Clow UFO Base staff prepare for UFO flights diverted from Arizona and Texas
Last Illinois Bigfoot dies from COVID-19
Giamanco Law Partners hires interstellar law attorney
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/1/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Guest Opinion: IF…then more Americans would be alive today. (Mixed)

The following is a guest opinion first published as a Twitter thread by Representative Sean Casten from the Illinois Sixth Congressional District:

Lest we lose sight of why this is happening, and why the US has more deaths than any other country, we need to review how Trump and the @GOP got us to this point. Adjusting for both population and for the fact that the US surge started later, the statistics are damning.
If Trump hadn’t shut down the pandemic response task force, more Americans would be alive today.
If the CDC hadn’t botched their initial tests, and/or used WHO tests that were being used by other countries, more Americans would be alive today.
If Trump had listened to scientists and focused on what was true, rather than engaging in magical thinking and lies, more Americans would be alive today.
If FEMA would have coordinated the federal response and distributed materiel according to need rather than personal favors, more Americans would be alive today.
If Trump would have used the Defense Production Act to coordinate the federal response instead of relying on some fetishized, Ayn Rand theory of economics, more Americans would be alive today.
If Trump would have let public health experts take control of public communications during a public health crisis instead of spewing deadly misinformation, more Americans would be alive today.
If the @GOP‘s efforts to repeal the ACA had succeeded, fewer Americans who have contracted COVID would have had insurance, and even more Americans would be dead today.
If the US House in the 116th Congress hadn’t given ourselves the authority to defend the ACA after the Attorney General refused to defend the laws of the United States, the ACA would not exist and even more Americans would be dead today.
If Trump goes ahead with his plan to cut federal funding for COVID-19 testing, more Americans are going to die.
If Trump’s brief to the Supreme Court last night to throw out the ACA succeeds, more Americans are going to die.
And the @GOP is with him. Every. Step. Of. The. Way.

(Find articles and reference material for each point on the Twitter thread at this link:

Illinois Policy Institute to release nuclear war economic recovery plan (Fiction)

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

The Illinois Policy Institute, (according to sources with relatives connected to the organization), will release a nuclear war economic recovery plan.

Excerpts from the plan place a high priority on keeping businesses open during a nuclear strike and in the immediate aftermath:

“The fallout from closing the economy would be worse than nuclear fallout.  We must make the public feel this way too.”

The report recommends that Illinois’ conservative outlets downplay the dangers of nuclear war, such as radioactive fallout, blast damage, and nuclear winter.  Instead, they should emphasize the “benefits” of a nuclear war.  The first benefit is the “incineration of Springfield, IL, and the Chicago Political Machine.”  Other benefits cited include: “the likely suspension of federal taxes” and “the transfer of power from unelected bureaucrats to motorcycle militias.”

The report adds:  “If you don’t count fatalities in Aurora, Chicago, Rockford, The Quad Cities, Springfield, and East St. Louis, most real residents of Illinois should be just fine.” 

The state government, instead of promoting what the report calls “policies that promote hiding in basements,” should counter “liberal fear-mongering” and keep the economy open:

“Chicago liberals say a nuclear blast can blind people because it is as bright as the sun.  Well, we have a sun, and most of us aren’t blind.  So instead of looking away from a nuclear blast, we encourage the public to go to their favorite restaurant and bar to celebrate the death of cosmopolitan liberalism!”

The report also recommends that the top priorities following a nuclear war should be enacting an income tax holiday for anyone making over $1,000,000 a year, suspension of all union contracts, canceling all gun laws, switching to cryptocurrency, ending all environmental regulations, and encouraging employment by canceling unemployment benefits.

“We need people to cut our hair, clean our shelters, and protect us from BLM/Antifa hoodlums.  They’re not going to help us if they’re collecting unemployment checks, afraid of getting radiation poisoning, or think they’re going to freeze to death.  By enacting these simple policy recommendations, we can ensure prosperity for Illinois’ billionaires, which they may share with the rest of the survivors.”

One of the sources claims that IPI will lobby Bolingbrook to include their recommendations in the Bolingbrook emergency plan.

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said:  “Every Christian and Islamic leader in Bolingbrook is going to pray for a safe Village Picnic.  I even got the Naperville Unitarian Church to light a candle for us.  Charlene, you said you were going to reach out to the area Jewish denominations.  How did that go?”

“I got Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox rabbis to bless the Village Picnic.  The Reconstructionist rabbi read a blessing, but then said it really meant we shouldn’t hold a mass gathering during a pandemic.”

“Whatever.  What about the humanist rabbis?”

The first synagogue I tried was a no go.  I couldn’t get past the office manager.  He laughed at me and said I gave him material for his next monolog.  The second rabbi said something about ethics, coronavirus, and her Sunday School before hanging up on me.”

“Three out of five isn’t bad in this case.  Now I can say I did all I could to have a higher power prevent the picnic from becoming a super spreader event.”

“Actually, The Temple of Set has a Pylon in Bolingbrook.  I could—” 


Also in the Babbler:

Jeanne Ives unleashes hand-shaking homicidal canvassers against Rep. Sean Casten
Space Force considers building its own base in Bolingbrook
Trump cancels speech at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/24/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Bolingbrook Weredog accused of attacking Joliet Mayor Bob O’Dekirk (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs is searching for a weredog accused of assaulting Joliet Mayor Bob O’Dekirk.

Part of a statement from the Department read: “Most of our weredogs are good dogs, but if any weredog misbehaves, we will deal with them.  We encourage Bolingbrook’s weredog packs to be good dogs and turn in this bad dog.  Any weredog that helps will get a treat.”

O’Dekirk, who was recently filmed wrestling with a Black Lives Matter protester, refused to be interviewed.  Sources close to O’Dekirk say he was unharmed but wants the weredog euthanized:

“That weredog didn’t know who he was dealing with. Bob is the toughest mayor in Illinois.  Bob threw that weredog to the ground and pinned him in seconds.  He only let him go so he could deal with a BLM rioter!  I hope Bolingbrook catches that dog so Bob can teach him to heel!”

Joan, a Black Lives Matter protester, offered a different version of what happened:

“I was just holding up a sign and not bothering anyone when Bob walked up to me.  He accused me of rioting and said he was going to ‘soften me up’ before letting ‘his’ officers deal with me.  Of course, this was the day I left my cell phone at home.  Anyway, the man walks up to Bob and tells him to leave me alone.  Bob puffs up and says it’s none of his business.  The man tells him that it is.  This is the scary part.  Bob was about to punch the man, but the man turned into a giant man-dog.  It called Bob a bad human and threatened to rub his face on the pavement.  Bob turned pale and ran away.  I saw him pick up his phone and heard him say: ‘Roger!  Save me!’  The monster said I was a good human then ran away.  I wish we didn’t have a bully for a mayor.”

Will County Board Member Rachel Ventura says she has asked the Will County Department of Cryptid Affairs to file charges against O’Dekirk:

“Now Bob is threatening our endangered weredog population.  His toxic masculinity is out of control.  If our department won’t arrest him, then I will have no choice but to run against him in the next election!”

Cornal Darden, who claimed to be the CEO of the Southwest Suburban Black Cryptozoological Society, supported O’Dekirk because he was acting in self-defense.  When presented with a statement that he had been terminated from SSBCS and from the South Suburban Region Black Chamber of Commerce, he said it didn’t matter:

“I am black and I support the mayor.  That all that matters!”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he was on his lunch break and did not wish to be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “It’s not one gathering of a hundred people.  It’s ten gatherings with ten people each that just happen to be behind Village Hall.  As long as each gathering stays six feet apart, the magic force field will protect them!”

A woman who sounded like Dr. Ngozi Ezike, Director of the Illinois Department of Public Health, asked: “Everyone will bring their own food, right?”

“Of course not!  Organizations will be selling food, and we’ll be handing out free hot dogs.”

“Wow.  Is this really an event to die for?”

“Obviously you’ve never been to our Village Picnic!”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar denies firearms sales permit to Limbs ‘R Us
Illinois Republicans vow to increase the COVID-19 infection rate
Jeanne Ives denies recruiting seniors to be ‘Die for Ives’ canvassers
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/18/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Dr. Jennifer McCreight on Gender Identity (Non-Fiction)

Dr. Jennifer McCreight, a Genomics Ph.D. who used to run Blag Hag on this network, recently created a PDF providing a basic overview of the science behind sex and gender.  As she tweeted:

As someone still learning about these issues, I thought it was a good overview.


Mayor Claar considers replacing Bolingbrook police with wereskunks (Fiction)

Bolingbrook survives the third day of protests! (Photo from an anonymous reader.)

After an unprecedented third protest this month against police brutality and for racial justice, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar may replace current police officers with wereskunks.

According to documents leaked by sources within the Metropolitan Alliance of Police, Claar will use the cover of a “retraining program” to replace current police officers with local wereskunks.  The wereskunks will be paid with garbage instead of cash.  The documents also state that due to their strength and their bulletproof skin, wereskunk officers will not carry guns nor wear bulletproof vests. 

“We feel that with minimal training, a wereskunk can resolve any criminal situation with fewer fatalities than with our current police force,” stated the author of the report.  “Plus, wereskunks have black and white fur.”

Village officials who confirmed the story say they have no choice.

“We’re surrounded!” said an anonymous village official.  “Our residents are peacefully protesting.  There are peaceful protesters in the suburbs.  Even Wheaton had a peaceful protest!  If we don’t do something, suburbanites will start demanding that police departments be eliminated, just like Minneapolis is planning to do.”

“We can’t be like Minneapolis,” said another village official.  “Who will we complain to if a neighbor plays loud music, or if we see a stranger in our neighborhoods?  This compromise will save our police department, and turn Black Lives Matter into another village festival!”

Peter, who claims to be a wereskunk, says most wereskunks favor the plan:

“Roger takes good care of us.  If we have to hunt jaywalkers to get free access to Bolingbrook’s garbage, we’re all for it!”

Sara, a woman who claims to be a wereskunk, said she opposes the idea:

“This plan will just shift the problem from racist cops to (expletive deleted) wereskunks.  Let’s face it.  Not every problem can be solved with the threat of arrest.  Imagine if social workers were first responders instead of police officers.  More humans might be alive or at least not be in jail if we did that.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and could not be disturbed:

“Just between you and me:  The residents are leading the way on racial equality, and our politicians are finally starting to follow them.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Of course we’re going to be cutting the police budget.  If we don’t get any help, we’ll have to cut every budget!”

A man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano replied:  “So we can play both sides!  Cutting the police budget will appeal to the protesters.  At the same time, we’ll appeal to the law and order voters by pointing out that (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) promoted a Black Lives Matter event before I approved it.”

“Wait a minute.  Are you trying to turn this crisis into an opportunity to promote yourself?”

“Why not?”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens protect Bolingbrook protesters from interstellar racists
Druid vows to flood Royce RD this week
Mayor Claar tells Illuminati to stop spreading chaos in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/10/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

“I do not have the words” (Non-fiction)

Rabbi Adam Chalom, Rabbi for Kol Hadash Humanistic Congregation, and the North American Dean at the International Institute for Secular Humanistic Judaism, recently posted an essay called “I do not have the words.”

Every nation has laws, but laws do not guarantee justice. Slavery, the Nuremberg Laws, Jim Crow segregation, voter disenfranchisement – all were both legal and unjust. The Insurrection Act of 1807 and later additions legally allow the President of the United States to deploy armed forces domestically; it was used to enforce equal protection during Reconstruction and desegregation, but we greatly fear its use today to suppress our rights.

Therefore, our words and deeds are needed to tip the scale towards justice. We must use our voices and votes and values to be who we say we are. Speak, write, protest, donate, organize, advocate; anything other than asking our way out of this moment.

During the Trump administration, there were times I’ve felt overwhelmed, and other members of my family have said the same.  That was before COVID-19, and Trump testing the limits of martial law in the United States.  But like Adam writes, we may not have the words, but no one else is going to save us.  We are the ones who have to save ourselves.  So I’ll do what little bit I can to stand up to this rise of authoritarianism around the world, and in the United States.  Even if it just involves tweaking the nose of a Mayor who would be king.  🙂

Hiding behind a Bible: A statement from Jews for a Secular Democracy (Non-fiction)

Jews for a Secular Democracy released the following statement about President Trump’s violent photo op yesterday:

A picture says a thousand words. Our country is literally burning from our unchecked legacy of racism. A hundred thousand of our fellow citizens are dead from a pandemic that the White House first denied, then downplayed, and continues to make unscientific claims about, in the hope it will all just miraculously disappear.

And with all this swirling around him, the President felt it necessary to deploy the National Guard to clear the DC streets (escalating the violence to do so), so that he can — what? talk about the pain people are in? offer words of hope or solace to a grieving nation? no — HOLD UP A BIBLE. IN FRONT OF A CHURCH.

If this doesn’t demonstrate how far around the bend this country is on issues of church-state separation, nothing will. To equate upholding religion with a “law and order” posture is truly disgraceful, particularly when that posture includes the ongoing race-baiting this administration has engaged in its entire term (most recently quoting an anti-desegregationist, “when the looting starts, the shooting starts”).

And to try to pit so-called “good Christians” on one side of law-and-order issues is demonstrably false, as attested to by the words of Mariann Edgar Budde, the bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of Washington who oversees that very church!

Bishop Budde said: “The President just used a Bible and one of the churches of my diocese as a backdrop for a message antithetical to the teachings of Jesus and everything that our church stands for. To do so, he sanctioned the use of tear gas by police officers in riot gear to clear the church yard. I am outraged.”

We too are outraged, and horrified at the abdication of leadership we’re watching unfold in real-time. We reject the ugly, blatant expropriation of religion to justify the policies (or lack of policies) that have led America to its darkest hour in at least a generation.

We once had a president who proudly declared “The Buck Stops Here” when taking responsibility for what’s happening in our country. Look at where we are today, Mr. President. We long for the days when only you claimed to experience “American Carnage.” Now, we really have it, and you helped bring it about. The buck stops with you. And the best you can do is a photo-op with a book you haven’t even read, as a dog-whistle to your dwindling Evangelical base?! “Sad,” indeed.

Nevertheless, we believe this too will be overcome. The causes driving Americans into the streets are the right causes: racial equality and justice. As we have said before, Christian supremacy is *white* Christian supremacy, there is no daylight between the two, and all these issues are intertwined. Therefore, Jews for a Secular Democracy will continue to support anti-racism efforts and join our voices with those who are outraged to see the president HIDING BEHIND A BIBLE rather than engaging in the real work needed of immediate deescalation, long-term police reform, and the dismantling of institutionalized racism in this country.

— Paul Golin, Staff Lead, Jews for a Secular Democracy

Space Force attacks Chicagoland UFO Bases and aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Content notice:  References to Fascism.

The United States Space Force launched a surprise attack against Chicagoland’s three UFO Bases in Bolingbrook, Palatine, and Peotone.  All three bases reported heavy damage, but no causalities.  The attack lasted for three hours before President Trump declared victory and ordered an end to the attack.

A Space Force press release said the attack was part of Operation Shattered Glass:

“This morning, Space Force launched a successful operation against Space Antifa and the far Left Mayors who refused to stand up to them.  The alien anarchists have suffered a massive defeat due to the ingenious tactics of President Donald Trump.  He is the leader of the best humans and the best civilization in the Universe.  Let those who oppose his greatness suffer greatly!  MAGA.”

The alien media encampment near Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base suffered the heaviest damage.  According to sources, five hypersonic missiles hit the base, and Space Force Interceptors attacked UFOs belonging to interstellar media organizations.

“I told them I was a pilot with the Galactic News Thoughtwork,” said Algotoc.  “Their response was to lock their weapons on me and fire.  Let me tell you, they can sure pack a punch against a civilian ship.  I was lucky that I didn’t crash into downtown Barrington. Before I reached the landing bay, the (Space Force pilot) apologized for failing to send us ‘fake news’ beings to hell.”

Interceptors from Rob Sherman UFO Base eventually chased away the Space Force craft. The Palatine Aliens Affairs Unit convinced residents that the explosions were illegal fireworks.

Space Force bombers also attacked one of Peotone’s landing bays, rendering it inoperable:

“They hit just as the force fields were recycling,” said Dockworker Peter Z. Stevens.  “We had enough power to save the crew, but not enough to protect the cargo containers.  Those (expletive deleted) bombers just set back 10G deployment in Chicago by 20 years!”

Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere was at Peotone during the attack but was unharmed.  She released a statement to the interstellar media:

“You can drop incendiary bombs near me, and you can make incendiary remarks about me on social media all you want.  I will always be anti-fascist, and I will always believe that black lives matter!” 

Space Force troops used their base in Bolingbrook to launch an attack against Clow UFO Base, which is currently sealed off due to the COVID-19 pandemic.  Members of the so-called “Doomsday Crew,” who remain sealed inside Clow, reported they had received messages from Space Force troops demanding to be let in to stop the “Antifa riots” inside:

“There were no rioters inside,” said a crew member who asked to remain anonymous.  “We don’t get to say that every day at Clow UFO Base.  Anyway, we’ve had some aliens kneel for about nine minutes to protest the death of George Floyd.”

The crew member later added, “Before I was sealed inside Clow, being anti-fascist was considered a moral position, and stopping the spread of deadly infectious diseases was a no-brainer.  Now I look outside and wonder if the world is burning just like a Reichstag fire?”

The crew confirmed that although parts of Clow were “compromised,” the attackers didn’t reach the crew.  Clow’s automated defenses and Men in Blue were able to stop the Space Force’s advance.  Members who spoke to this reporter say the plan is to disinfect those areas of Clow and reseal them.

Sources within the Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs agree that Trump called off the attack after talking to Claar.  Claar explained that the Interstellar Commonwealth, the New World Order, and the Illuminati could consider the attacks to be an act of war.  Claar then explained that the Commonwealth’s military could obliterate everyone one of his properties in seconds, and both secret societies could wipe out all of his wealth as well.  Trump still hesitated to call off the attack until Claar offered to host the 2020 Republican National Convention at Bolingbrook High School.

Claar allegedly asked:  “What do you have to lose?”

Bolingbrook officials privately are not sure how Bolingbrook High School will be able to host the Republican National Convention.  One official did say: “We’ll try our best, and when things go wrong, Roger will blame (Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz).”

When reached for comment, Claar replied:  “I have a message for the roaming gangs of looters.  You can take my restaurants.  You can take my stores, but you will never take my Golf Club!”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghosts join protesters in Chicago
Mayor Claar orders all weredeer removed from Bolingbrook
Naperville police fail to arrest Mothman rioter
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/4/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.