Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs announced a crackdown on the weredogs’ “fetching” cannabis for residents.
The press release stated: “Pandemic or no pandemic, home delivery of cannabis is still illegal in Illinois. Any weredog involved in this criminal operation is a bad dog!”
Hillary, who asked that we not use her last name, witnessed the department trying to arrest a weredog:
“This cute dog dropped a bag of weed on my front door. I was about to tip him when this black armored vehicle drove on to my front yard. Two masked men told the dog to roll over. Instead, he shape-shifted into a giant dog and ran away. One of the men yelled: ‘Bolingbrook says no to drugs.’ I said Roger wasn’t Bolingbrook. They said they would deal with me later. They drove off before I could tell them what I felt.”
Bud, the Alpha dog of the Bolingbrook Weredeer association, says his fellow weredogs are performing an essential service for Bolingbrook:
“Residents are stressed. It’s not enough for (Mayor Roger Claar) to tell us to stay calm. They need weed. It’s great the dispensaries are offering curbside pick up, but that shouldn’t be the only option. We’re happy to fetch weed for anyone who wants it. You can give us a treat instead of cash!”
Ruth, another weredog, claims Claar tried to arrest her for delivering cannabis:
“I was walking in human form and minding my own business. Roger drove by and gave me a look. I waved and kept walking. He pulled up to a police car and told the officer to arrest me. The officer refused because I was still walking, and he wasn’t allowed to chase suspects. Roger said he was the mayor of Bolingbrook and he was ordering the officer to chase me. That’s when I shifted into dog form and rushed into the bushes.”
A receptionist for Claar said he was busy “saving Bolingbrook” and could not be disturbed.
In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Mr. President. You are the greatest leader the world has ever known. I risked my political career when I first endorsed you. Your followers will say anything to defend me online. I am forever in debt to you and the MAGA family. How’s that?”
“A man who sounded like President Trump replied: “Not bad. Where are you from again?”
“Mr. President, can I count on you to make sure we get some medical supplies? I don’t know what else I can give you.”
“That golf course.”
“You want to buy the Bolingbrook Golf Club?”
“I suppose I could with all the billions Congress just gave me. But you see, there’s a serious problem. It’s too far away from the airport. I need you to do me a favor and move it closer to the Chicago airport.”
“Um, for the first time, I really don’t know what to say, Mr. President. I don’t think you can move a golf course.”
“Have you tried?”
Also in the Babbler:
Nitrile Glove monsters terrorize grocery shoppers
Hidden Lakes Monster frolics as residents shelter in place
Mayor Claar postpones weredeer hunting season
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/2/20
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.