It’s settled! The Richard Carrier lawsuit is over (Non-fiction)

As PZ reported, Dr. Richard Carrier settled his remaining lawsuits against PZ Myers and Amy Frank.  Apparently, all it took was the threat of a countersuit to bring this to an end.  Carrier will not be paying the defendants’ legal bills, but you can still donate to their fundraising page. Stephanie Zvan’s post reporting the original allegations will remain online.  

The defendants were fortunate enough to have enough supporters to help with their legal bills.  Others aren’t so lucky when faced with a Strategic Lawsuit Against Public Participation.  The legal costs alone are enough to force publications to settle or avoid covering a story.  As John Oliver explained:

For now, I’ll celebrate this victory, and I look forward to forgetting about Richard Carrier again.  I’ll also try not to get too upset thinking about how the money spent on this case could have been put to better use.

Note: Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

The first Thanksgiving: Was it aliens? (Fiction)

While our webmaster is taking a well-deserved vacation, we’re going to post a video that has become a Thanksgiving tradition at the Babbler:  In this video, columnist Dale Onofrey asks questions about the Pilgrims and the first Thanksgiving:

We wish all of our readers a safe Thanksgiving while pondering Dale’s questions.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Mayor Claar tells Congressional committee that Trump wanted him to investigate Biden family (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar admitted before the House Appropriations Sub-subcommittee on Nail and Thumbtack Spending that President Trump asked him to investigate the Biden family.

“He said he was willing to spare Clow UFO Base,” Claar reluctantly said, “in exchange for dirt on Joe Biden.”  Claar quickly added: “I never told the President that I would tell a big lie for him.”

“Did you mention the possibility of small lies?” – asked Representative Brad Schneider.

“I’ll take the fifth with some Jack with a coke,” replied Claar.

The sub-subcommittee, which oversees all US Government UFO spending and Interstellar policy, subpoenaed Claar as part of its impeachment investigation into Donald Trump.  Claar replied that the President told him not to honor the subpoena because “his Supreme Court was going to declare Congress unconstitutional”. Claar then added that because he had a book deal with an interstellar publisher, he also had “Book Deal Immunity.”

“Book Deal immunity applies to self-published books as well as traditionally published books.  Testifying before the committee will deny me the opportunity to pursue happiness, which is unconstitutional.  The government does not have the right to compel spoilers!”

The members of the Sub-subcommittee flew to Clow UFO Base and booked a meeting room.  A Martian Colonial battleship then beamed Claar from his office at Village Hall.

Beth, who asked that we not use her last name, saw Claar as he was being abducted:

“He flipped off the space craft and said: ‘I’ll talk, but you won’t like what I have to say.’  He was not in a good mood.”

Once in the meeting room, Claar refused to be sworn in, and made several unprintable comments about the “Democrat Party Impeachment Witch Hunt.” When threatened with imprisonment by one Phobos, Claar laughed.  After the Martian Colonial Ambassador walked into the room, Claar stopped laughing and agreed to be sworn in. 

During the two hour hearing, Claar testified that Trump asked him 10 times for information on the Bidens.  Trump, according to Claar, explicitly threatened to cut off Clow funding if he did not conduct a favorable investigation.  Claar went on to say that Trump dropped his demands once the impeachment investigation started:

“He failed to commit a crime, therefore it’s not a crime, and this hearing is illegitimate.  Can I go back to work?”

Rep. Sean Casten asked Claar what his investigation found.  Claar replied that the former Vice-president only visited Clow UFO Base once, and accidentally called it “Cow UFO Base.”

“He corrected himself, and it was kind of funny.  Other than that, we’re unfortunately not aware of him doing anything illegal.”

The Sub-subcommittee’s Republican members harshly questioned Claar:

“Did you hear Trump say he was going to take away your funding?” asked Rep. Mike Simpson.

“Yes.”

“So we can call your evidence ‘hearsay,’ don’t you agree?”

“I guess.”

“So what are you doing providing hearsay evidence to this committee?”

“You’re behind the curve, Congressman.  Our current talking point is that Trump did nothing wrong.”

“My apologies, Roger.”

Congresswoman Martha Roby accused Claar of being a “Never-Trump Republican” and pretending to be a Trump supporter for political gain.

“Don’t you think a real Trump supporter would be consulting Stephen Miller about their community’s demographic problem?”

File photo of Mayor Claar at a Prakash Utsav celebration in Bolingbrook.

Claar denounced Roby: “I was a Republican before you were even born, and I will be a Republican when I die.  The only thing I gained from Trump was a close election.  Look, every real Bolingbrook resident loves me and I use that love to promote the Republican party.  In fact, I’m so loved that our local Sikh community made me a Turban, and I’m honored to have that title!  I think I’m the first Republican Turban in Bolingbrook’s history!”

“Do you really—”

“Right now, the only thing I really care about is Trump staging a coup so we can get past this impeachment nonsense.”

After the hearing, Claar refused to comment to the press.

Schneider said Claar was helpful: “We suspected that Trump’s corruption extended to the stars, and Roger proved it.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook High School advances to the interplanetary football finals
Trustee Jaskiewicz accuses Claar of diverting funds to the wereskunks
Clow UFO Base will not change the name of its Holiday Concert
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Another year older (Non-fiction)

Back in November of 1998, I posted the first Bolingbrook Babbler article on my home page.  I didn’t expect to still be writing it 21 years later, and I absolutely didn’t expect the tabloid mentality I was satirizing to become so widespread on the Internet and in the mainstream media.

To all the people who enjoy the Babbler, I say thank you for reading.  To everyone who has helped me along the way, thank you too.  Especially my wife, who became my copy editor and the person who says, “do you really want to say that?”

It has been quite a journey writing the Babbler, and I’m happy to say that it is far from over.

 

Transgender locker room policy passes at Illinois school district D211 (Non-fiction)

A quick follow up on D211’s transgender locker room policy:  The D211 board voted 5-2 to allow transgender students to change in the locker room that matches their gender identity. The previous policy required transgender students to use privacy stalls when changing.  Now that’s no longer a requirement, and any student can use a stall.  Personally, I’m glad the board did the right thing and put an end to their previously discriminatory policy.

The group that fought the policy, D211 Parents for Privacy, is now vowing to flood the school board with requests for additional privacy accommodations for their kids.  It remains to be seen how many such requests the board will get.

For now, I feel it is nice to see a victory for transgender rights in Chicagoland.

Clow UFO Base reports record profits from UFO political ads (Fiction)

Enhanced photo of two UFOs with political display ads.

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar announced that Clow UFO Base sold the most political UFO display ads in its history.

Twitter is banning political ads,” said Claar, during a press conference with members of the interstellar media.  “We’re selling more political ads than ever.  So if you want to win your next election, don’t look to social media.  Look to the stars!”

According to Claar, most of this year’s spending came from liberal-leaning billionaires and “well-connected” Democratic campaigns.  Most of the advertising spending is aimed at influencing the Democratic Caucuses.  

“Just ask (Pete Buttigieg) and Tom Steyer.  Their covert committees liked the results of our ad buys, and love our reasonable prices!  You know, Michael Bloomberg just bought several ad slots.  Now I’m not a psychic, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he won Iowa because that’s how effective our ads are.”

Claar said a display ad on a UFO is very influential among rural voters.

“If an Iowa farmer sees your ad on a UFO, they’re going to assume that an advanced civilization supports your polices.  Once an Iowa farmer thinks that, no TV ad will persuade him that your candidate is inferior.  Aliens are the key to victory.”

Ads, however, do not mean that a UFO crew endorses a candidate.  Lodix, a botanist from Shedo Collective, says she puts ads on her UFO for the money:

“I can’t tell the difference between Sen. Elizabeth Warren and Representative Steve King.  But I do love the Interstellar Credits I get from running their ads.  Let’s face it, my job sampling Earth plants isn’t the most profitable career.  So I can use the extra credits.”

Lodix, however, does have some concerns about the ads:

“You shouldn’t decide your leaders based on an ad or meme.  You really should look at all of their positions.  Still, ads and memes can be infectious.  Look at the humans who think Hillary Clinton would have been just as corrupt at President Trump.  Trump is a universal example of corrupt leadership.  There’s no way Hillary could ever have lived up to his example, and more importantly, she didn’t want to.  That shows me the power of advertising and memes to influence humans.  Honestly, your species really (expletive deleted) up by selecting Trump.”

While most UFO Bases around the world ban political ads, Claar said he was proud that Clow allows them:  “We like to do things differently in Bolingbrook.”

Claar also defended allowing ads for candidates affiliated the New World Order, despite being a leader of the Illuminati himself:

“The Illuminati is dedicated to spreading chaos.  Nothing spreads chaos quite like attack political ads.  Just look at my community.  The local Democratic party is in chaos because Rachel Ventura is challenging (Representative Bill Foster).  Their infighting helps me as both a member of the Republican Party and as a member of the Illuminati.  Let them fight, and let me collect the money!  I mean let Clow collect the money.”

Claar wouldn’t confirm rumors that he’s been buying pro-Ventura UFO ads.

He did say that he expected the Trump campaign to devote “significant resources” to UFO advertising starting in the summer of 2020. 

When reached for comment, a member of Foster’s staff denied that Foster buys UFO display ads:

“UFOs are not alien spacecraft.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to find the Congressman because we just found out that he’s canvassing in the same subdivision as Rachel is and— Oh no!  We’re too late!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Foster said:  There are other ways to stop manmade climate change.”

A woman who sounded like Ventura replied:  “Only the Green New Deal can save us.”

“I’ll bet you don’t even know what the Green New Deal is.”

“I know exactly what it is.  It’s awesome!”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar denies latest Russian snow attack
Oswego player blames aliens for Raiders’ OT win
Society of Professional Journalists laughs at Alyssia Benford’s complaint against the Babbler
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/13/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Wereskunks and weredogs riot over Valley View 365U recount result (Fiction)

What started as a peaceful protest by weredogs against the removal of School Board member Dr. Sandra Carlson ended in a violent clash with anti-Carlson wereskunks. Dozens of weredogs were arrested in front of Valley View’s offices by officers from Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs.  The weredogs will be charged with causing hundreds of dollars in damages.

“They started it!” —complained weredog Bo as he was being restrained by the officers.

“Shut up!” —replied the officer.  “You started it by acting like a big snowflake over the lawful removal of a fake board member.”

Though the school board election happened seven months ago, defeated incumbent JT Boudouris filed a lawsuit to request a recount of five of 39 precincts. The lawsuit demanded that ballots that were not initialed by an election judge be thrown out.  The motion was granted.  Following the recount, Carlson’s three-vote win was overturned.  Carlson ran as a member of the Bolingbrook United Party.

Taffy, a weredog, said: “They should have recounted all of the precincts— not just the ones that favored (Mayor Roger Claar’s) candidates.  Roger thew out ballots due to no fault of each individual voter.”

The picket line started with marchers chanting, “Bad humans!  No Bone!”  and “Kennel Roger!”  They did not block entrances, though a few Valley View staff members said they felt intimidated.

“Why are they so mad?” asked a woman who wished to remain anonymous:  “JT earned his seat.  Just like Trump earned his seat.  It shouldn’t be a popularity contest.”

Minutes later, several wereskunks marched towards the weredogs, chanting: “We love Claar!  He’s so fair!”  They then threw litter at the weredogs, and some sprayed them.  

“Bad dogs!”  yelled one wereskunk.  “You stink!”

The weredogs then charged at the wereskunks and started fighting.  Later, officers from the Bolingbrook Department of Paranormal Affairs arrived, though Valley View’s offices are located in Romeoville.  They fired tear gas and perfume to break up the fighting.  Twenty weredogs were arrested but no wereskunks were arrested.  Instead, the officers treated injured wereskunks, and let them create “litter art” while singing, “We are the Champions.”

“We love Roger!” said one wereskunk.  “We love his candidates.  We’ll do anything we can to support them!”

A member of Bolingbrook United denied knowing about the riot:  “We don’t have time for this silliness.  If your readers really want to help us, come to our Chili Fundraiser this Thursday. You’ll get to find out which elected official cooks the best chili, and help us return Dr. Carlson back to her rightful seat.  Roger just arrived.”

A man who sounded like Claar said:  “Joe, I’m glad to see you’re personally delivering your response to my ultimatum.  Now I don’t mind political parties in Bolingbrook, as long as they don’t run candidates.”  After a long pause, the man said: “Is this your entire response?”

“Yes.” said a man who sounded like Bolingbrook United chair Joe Giamanco.

Nuts?”

Also in the Bolingbrook Babbler:

Atheist Alliance International to record TV program in Bolingbrook
Trump demands a new UFO Base in Bolingbrook
Pluto ambassador objects to planned NASA Pluto orbiter mission
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/7/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.