Web Exclusive: Democratic candidates for the IL54 State House District meet Palatine UFO Base staff (Fiction)

By Reporter X

File photo of Ryan Huffman

File photo of Maggie Trevor.

About fifty staff members of Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base attended a meeting with two of the three Democratic candidates for the Illinois 54th State House District race. Maggie Trevor and Ryan Huffman were able to participate, and Syed Hussein was not.

“There are days I want to tell our local leaders about our base,” said Sheila Danforth, president of the Space Traffic Controllers Union local #2.  “Then, I remember that Tom Morrison is our state representative.  He calls himself a tax fighter, but he seems to spend more time fighting transgender people.  Can you imagine trying to explain the gender of a Ross 128 visitor to him?  He would embarrass Palatine and all humanity.  Now, these two candidates are worthy of being the first Cook County politicians to know about our UFO Base.”

Huffman introduced himself as a “data analyst, policy expert, and political activist,” who wants to continue the work he “started as a candidate for the Sixth Congressional District.”  He described his top-secret work with the Obama administration to bring alien energy efficiency devices to market.  After his failed primary bid for Congress, he became an interstellar affairs advisor for Sean Casten, who won in the general election.

“We have the chance to be part of the Interstellar Commonwealth, but it’s only a chance.  I want to lead the next generation of leaders who will prove humanity worthy of that chance.  I want to create an Illinois that is known as an interstellar beacon of progress, instead of known for its corrupt leaders.”

Huffman concluded by saying he was eager to hear about Trevor because he couldn’t find her web page.

Trevor replied: “Oh, some cybersquatter stole it while I was thinking about a second run for office.”

“They can sneak up on you if you’re not familiar with the Internet,” replied Huffman.

“I suppose.  So I guess I’m going to have to spend some of my $35,000 campaign fund to get it back.”

Huffman’s eyes widened, and he coughed several times.

“You do have a campaign fund, right?”

“Eventually,” Huffman replied. 

Trevor said that in addition to being a Harvard Fellow, an assistant professor, and an analyst, she also helped establish Iowa City’s Tigerhawk UFO Base in the 1990s.  She currently runs Trevor Research Services.

“Some people say I’m the female Sean Casten,” said Trevor.  “I prefer to think of Sean as the male Maggie Trevor.”

A member of the New World Order asked Huffman why he didn’t accept their offer to run for the Palatine village board. Huffman replied: “Serious issues are facing my generation that I can address on the state level.  I don’t have time to deal with which subdivisions have to pay a fee to be connected to a sewer line when my generation needs solutions to climate change, student debt, and political corruption.  It’s time for the Baby Boomers to get out of the way and let #generationscrewed become #generationrenewal.”

“Generation X always gets forgotten in these discussions,” said Trevor.  “Let me put it this way:  I will not let Tom abort the progress we’ve made in Illinois.  I will keep working and retrying until our state’s problems are fixed, and I will not let Illinois fail.  The 54th District can do better than a Tom Morrison theocracy.”

Morrison refused to be interviewed for this article. 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Mayor Claar filming ‘Masterclass’ (Fiction)

Sources confirm that Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar is filming an instructional video for the Masterclass web site. Claar’s course will teach viewers how to master Illinois’s campaign finance laws.

In a clip obtained by the Babbler,  Claar says : “Cook County politicians envy my fundraising abilities. The Chicago Tribune and Crain’s have written about my techniques.”  Later in the clip, he winks and says, “If you pay for my course, I’ll share my secrets with you.”

In another clip, Claar speaks to a female student:  “In the late 1990s, Illinois passed campaign finance reform laws. Don’t let those laws limit your political ambitions.  That means you don’t just have a personal campaign fund.  You should also set up your own political party.  If you’re really ambitious, you should also set up a Political Action Committee.  Doing these three things will give you triple the opportunities to receive maximum donations from your supporters.”

Another clip shows Claar sitting in The Nest Bar and Grill with a young woman.  

Student:  So what happens to a campaign fund after the election?

Claar:  People think you need to stop campaigning after the votes are counted.  That’s wrong.  Losers stop campaigning.  Winners look for campaign opportunities every day.  (Turns towards the waiter) You’re a Bolingbrook resident, right?

Waiter:  Yes.

Claar:  Did you know I might be running for reelection?

Waiter:  No.

Claar:  Now you do.  I’ll start with the usual.

Waiter: One Mayor’s Platter coming up.

Claar:  See?  Because I just campaigned, I can use my campaign fund to pay for this meal.

Student:  Wow!  That means I can have the Steak Sandwich, and my rich supporters will pay for it.

Claar: Exactly.

A third clip shows Claar and the woman on a beach in California.

Claar:  Losers only campaign in their districts.  Winners know that constituents like to travel around the world.

Student:  But can we really spend campaign money out of state?

Claar:  Of course.  We’re going to have dinner with someone who has helped in many of my campaigns.  That’s campaign related, and if its campaign related—

Student: We can spend campaign funds!

Claar: Exactly.

In the last clip, Claar confronts the female student:

Claar:  So how did you do?

Student;  I raised $10,000 and now I’m ready to run!

Claar:  Ten thousand dollars?  That less than the contribution limit from a corporation! What if you need batteries?  What if you need to pay the tuition of a supporter?  What if you need a satellite radio in your car?

Student: But my opponent only has $100 so it seemed—

Claar: Young lady, you showed mercy.  There is no mercy in Illinois politics.  Especially in Bolingbrook!

A receptionist for Claar refused to confirm or deny if Claar was filming anything for a Masterclass.  

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “Patch still hasn’t taken down the second ad from Bolingbrook United.  How are we countering it?”

A woman who sounded like Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer said: “I’ve created teams of Facebook commentators.  Team Fake News will say the article is fake, even though it isn’t.  Team Bonus will say you deserve a tax-free fund because you’re a great mayor.  Team What-about will try to distract residents by mentioning other Illinois politicians.  The team that gets the most likes will get to join you for a constituent lunch.”

“They’re small teams, right?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll just cash out one of my CDs just to be safe.  You can never have too much money in the fund.”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar defies Mother Nature by starting the Pathways Parade
Aliens remember 9/11
Claar offers to host summit meeting with Lunar Tardigrades
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/13/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

A fundraiser for the defense against Richard Carrier’s SLAPP suit (Non-fiction)

Gillell over at Affinity is running a fundraiser for the defense fund against Richard Carrier’s SLAPP suits against Amy Frank, Lauren Lane, Skepticon, and PZ Myers. Choose which one of Giliell’s pieces of Resin artwork you want, and Giliell will tell you how much it will cost, including shipping. Donate that amount to the defense fund, and Giliell will ship it after you send the receipt. 

While I feel the defendants have an excellent chance of winning, it is expensive to defend against these kinds of cases. I’m tired of the case too, but as long as Richard Carrier keeps pursuing it, I will keep mentioning the defense fund.