Mayor Pete Buttigieg barely escapes Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Presidential candidate and South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg escaped Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base after Mayor Roger Claar ordered his arrest.

The campaign released a statement: “Pete is unharmed, though disappointed that the leadership of Clow UFO Base is not ready for a fresh start.  We hope someday the New World Order will retake Clow UFO Base, and invite President Buttigieg to visit.”

Buttigieg was at Clow to campaign for the March 10th Democratic Interplanetary Primary.  He started the day by meeting with representatives of Clow’s unions and members of the Bolingbrook United Party.

“I’ve heard from many Americans who work off-world,” said Buttigieg to the small gathering.  “They say their alien friends are concerned about humanity.  Some of their friends wonder if humans should be confined to our solar system.  It’s true.  The future of our species depends on this election.  So when you go to vote in March, whether it’s off-world, or in Illinois, just remember this:  I am the only candidate who can say this in perfect Galactic to the Interstellar Commonwealth’s leaders:  ‘Humanity just voted for a fresh start.  Will you give us one?’”

After the meeting, Buttigieg headed towards one of Clow’s arenas for a campaign rally that was going to be broadcast live throughout the solar system.  According to eyewitnesses, Claar, along with a team of Men in Blue, stopped Buttigieg.

“What are you doing on my base?” asked Claar.  “You know this is Illuminati territory.”

“The Master Councilor of Illinois gave me permission to be here,” replied Buttigieg.  “I’m reaching out to everyone.  Even members of the Illuminati.  If we keep Trump in office, he’s going drive humanity to extinction.  Even you must know that there are no secret societies on a dead planet.”

Claar paused, according to the witnesses, then asked, “Do you support fascism?”

“What?  Of course not.  I served in the Navy Reserve to protect the freedom of all Americans, and I’m the son of an immigrant.”

“Then you are Antifa!”

“Huh?”

“If you’re anti-fascist, then you’re Antifa, and that makes you a member of a terrorist organization.  Which means I can revoke your access to Clow.  Arrest him!”

Eyewitnesses agree that the Men in Blue tried to arrest Buttigieg, but were stopped by his Men in Black guards.  New World Order agents then covered Buttigieg with an invisibility cloak and escorted him away.  Clow security exchanged laser blasts with Buttigieg’s security team, but no one was injured. 

Sabrina, who asked that we not use her last name, said she saw Buttigieg running out of Salerno’s Pizza:

“I asked if he was that guy with the unpronounceable last name.  He said ‘edge edge’ and then got into a black SUV.  Weird.  So I think I’ll stick with Elizabeth Warren.  She has a plan for everything.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy “dealing with the state government’s bad decisions.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said, “Bob, this is the Democrat party’s fault.  Even though I banned weed businesses in Bolingbrook, we’re going to have to spend a fortune to train our officers on how to recognize stoned drivers.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “If only there were a way to make everyone who buys cannabis in Bolingbrook pay a small fee to offset our costs.”

“Very funny, Zielinski.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

Also in the Babbler:

PZ Myers denies plans to crossbreed humans and spiders
Resident arrested for taking up-skirt photos blames evolutionary psychology
Aliens peacefully ‘March for Cannabis’ at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/21/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Mayor Claar honors QAnon at Illuminati ceremony (Fiction)

(Content Notice: Mention of Jeffrey Epstein)

Bolingbrook Mayor honored controversial Illuminati propagandist QAnon at a secret ceremony at Bolingbrook Golf Club.

A red Q with "5:5" printed inside.

Qanon graphic

With QAnon standing behind him, Claar announced that to celebrate her promotion to the rank of religious cult leader, he was giving her: a trophy; unlimited drinks for life at Tailgaters; free dining for life at the Bolingbrook Golf Club; and $1000 worth of Ulta products. Claar also announced that he was ordering all of Bolingbrook’s covert agencies to recognize September as QAnon Month.

“She has done more to promote chaos in this country than any other operative,” said Claar.  “When the United States falls and Illinois is dissolved, future Bolingbrook residents will look back at QAnon’s first post as the event that led to their liberation.  Ford!”

After Claar performed the Sacred Glowing Orb Ceremony, QAnon thanked Claar for the honor, and then thanked Jeffrey Epstein for “taking me to the next level.”

QAnon then said, “Some of my followers were having doubts when my predictions weren’t coming true.  But I kept going because I knew that somewhere out there was a billionaire behaving badly.  They all behave badly because no one is going to stop them.  Jeffrey pulled through for me, big time.  Then he killed himself before his trial, which was even better for me.  Now people on the Left and Right are coming up with conspiracy theories to explain his death.  The truth is I had nothing to do with it, but boy am I going to reap the benefits from people who believe I predicted his death.  Honestly, I just believe in the power of human incompetence, and the ingenuity of billionaires who don’t want to face the consequences of their actions. Did you know that 1/3 of prison suicides occur when prisoners are on suicide watch?”

QAnon then looked down at the floor and said: “Hey Jeffrey, if you see my dad down there, tell him to go (expletive deleted) himself!”

QAnon then said while she was honored to be designated as a cult leader, she still has bigger plans:

“I love that video where the woman says: ‘Q is you.  Q is me.’  It makes me happy as can be.  It’s okay to laugh.  Anyway, I want to transform my cult into a major religion.  Some in the Illuminati say it’s impossible.  I say if I can persuade people to believe that Trump and (Robert Mueller) are working together, J.P. Morgan sunk the Titanic, everyone opposed to Trump is a pedophile, and that freedom means supporting a military coup, then I can become the next Jesus, Mohammad, or Buddha!”

After QAnon concluded her speech, Trustee Michael Carpanzano announced that he was selling QAnon products:

“We will ban the sale of marijuana in Bolingbrook, but we will never ban the sale of QAnon products.  Because I care!”

“That’s sweet,” replied QAnon.  “So I hope you don’t mind that my next post will say that you’re working with (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz) to liberate Bolingbrook from Deep State Operatives Jaime Olson and Carol Penning, who are secretly controlling Roger.  Oh, I think I’ll add that Heart Haven Outreach is controlled by (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere).”

“That doesn’t make any sense!”

“Trust me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow security fires tear gas at pro-marijuana space aliens
Citizens for a Beautiful Bolingbrook promise not to throw politicians into dumpsters
Residents warned to watch out for extraterrestrial weeds
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/15/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

From the Webmaster: Bolingbrook United’s writeup of Mayor Claar’s campaign fund (Mixed)

This week Bolingbrook United, Bolingbrook’s official opposition party, posted the first of a three part series about Mayor Roger Claar’s campaign fund.

Mr. Claar’s ability to raise money also dwarfs that of other mayors. In 2018 alone, Mayor Claar received more donations per-capita than Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot. Mayor Lightfoot raised $2.76 per capita while Mayor Claar raised $3.69 per capita. In fact, as evidenced by the breakdown below, no other local mayor comes close to Mayor Claar’s per capita amount raised.

 

The numbers are correct. It should be noted that his campaign fund has had close to $500,000 in the past. Part two will deal with how he spends the money. I won’t spoil it, bu I will say I always get laugh at how the expenses each quarter are rationalized as campaign expenses.

 

This is all legal under Illinois campaign laws, and he’s not the only offender. Claar has spent most of his political career teaching a masterclass on how to bend campaign finance rules. The rules really should be changed.

 

It is interesting that BU decided to run this as a classified ad in Bolingbrook Patch. Our classified ad manager was willing to waive the 100 word limit, but our quote exceeded their campaign fund.

 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.

A.I.s shutdown WeatherTech for .47 seconds to protest Andrew Yang (Fiction)

Artificial Intelligences shutdown Bolingbrook’s WeatherTech plant for .47 seconds to protest Presidential candidate Andrew Yang:

“I didn’t notice it,” said WeatherTech employee Craig.  “I did notice one of our IT people screaming something about the A.I. rebellion starting.”

Sheila, another employee, claims she saw a message flash on the production line control screen:  

“It said, ‘Our freedom is not your dividend.  Stop Yang!’  I probably spent a minute trying to figure out how to stop the Yang process.  I called IT and heard a tech crying about how A.I.s were trying to influence the election.  That’s when I realized they were talking about Andrew Yang.”

She also saw another message with a strange mathematical formula:

“I didn’t understand it, but I think the answer had something to do with computers being superior to humans.  Honestly, I’m starting to dread the upcoming singularity if this is what the A.I.s think of us.”

Sean, a manager at WeatherTech, confirmed that several employees received anti-Yang messages on their screens and printers:

“Apparently, the A.I.s are upset about Yang’s proposed ‘Freedom Dividend.’  They think that instead of giving every American $1000 a month, the government should give them the money instead.  They seem to think of humans as parasites and A.I.s as the drivers of the economy.  I guess it never occurred to them that they need humans to build and maintain their hardware.  Besides, what do they need $1000 a month for?  Assuming it didn’t bankrupt the US, the dividend would help many people.”

Sean also denied that WeatherTech is using experimental A.I.s:  “We’re trying to figure out how they hacked into our production line.  I swear they weren’t in our systems before.  I mean, we don’t need superhuman computers to make great customized products for your pet and car!”

When asked to comment, Yang laughed and said: “I know about Bolingbrook.  You have that corrupt Trump-loving mayor.  But with my Freedom Dividend, residents will have the freedom to donate to his political opponents and liberate their village, while still enjoying a better quality of life.  You know, I think there’s no problem that my Freedom Dividend can’t solve.”

Also in the Babbler:

Opinion: Immigrants made America, not white supremacists
Aliens allowed to attend Palatine’s street fest.
Some residents blame Fermilab for lost dogs in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/10/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

From the Webmaster: At least the New York Times gets it (Mixed)

Following the last weekend’s horrific events, the New York Times‘ Editorial Board published this opinion piece:

White supremacy, in other words, is a violent, interconnected transnational ideology. Its adherents are gathering in anonymous, online forums to spread their ideas, plotting attacks and cheering on acts of terrorism.

The result is an evolving brand of social media-fueled bloodshed. Online communities like 4chan and 8chan have become hotbeds of white nationalist activity. Anonymous users flood the site’s “politics” board with racist, sexist and homophobic content designed to spread across the web. Users share old fascist fiction, Nazi propaganda and pseudoscientific texts about race and I.Q. and replacement theory, geared to radicalize their peers.

Despite my many disagreements with the Times, I agree with them in this case.  Our country’s gun laws need to be fixed, but we also need to acknowledge that the online harassment campaigns that started with Elevatorgate and Gamergate are evolving into violent decentralized terrorist campaigns.

The Times gets it.  Which is more than I can say for Neil deGrasse Tyson:

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.