By Reporter X
During the Interplanetary Democratic Presidential Primary Debate at Clow UFO Base, Mike Gravel became the first candidate to be arrested on stage.
“In this crowded field,” said Gravel, a former US Senator from Alaska, “You have to make a splash. Boy did I make one tonight.”
“Your unqualified surrogates are oppressing me by running for office. I’ve done nothing wrong. My foes think it’s wrong to accept donations from people who do business with the village and to endorse Donald Trump. They’re wrong! Not only are they wrong, but they’re forcing my party to campaign before the elections. It is an insult to me, and a diversion of funds that I could have spent on dinners, cars or donations to other Republicans. So my questions is this: If elected, will you pay me reparations for all the suffering your party has caused me?”
All the candidates, except Gravel, offered nuanced views on slavery reparations. Gravel chose to silently stare at Claar for several uncomfortable moments. He then walked backstage and returned holding a large rock. Gravel then walked up to the edge of the stage and dropped the rock into a tub of water. The resulting splash nearly hit Mayor Claar.
“You may not be in Washington,” yelled Gravel. “But you contribute to the problem of big money in politics too!”
Claar then ordered Gravel’s arrest. As the Men in Blue approached, Gravel said, “As a presidential candidate, I have diplomatic immunity!”
“Revoked!” replied Claar.
As Gravel was dragged off the stage, he yelled, “Aliens wrote my platform! Teenagers run my campaign! You can take my freedom, but you can’t take away my message!”
“I don’t want it.”
Gravel supporters in the audience started chanting, “It’s about damn time!” Which was Gravel’s slogan for his interstellar campaign in 2008.
Gravel was released after the debate
and given a warning by Claar.
“The Illuminati and New World Order are at war,” said Claar. “Keeping Gravel in a holding cell would only make things worse. Personally, I think he should join the Illuminati because he is an excellent agent of chaos. Ford!”
Earlier in the debate, Gravel brushed aside attacks that he would be too polarizing as a President: “I’m bipartisan. I’ve run for President as both a Libertarian and as a Democrat.”
“You’re dangerous!” replied Moulton. “You’re to the left of (House Speaker Nancy Pelosi)! People like you are why the Republicans are calling us Socialist! If I’m the nominee, the Republicans won’t call us names.”
“They’ll call you anything they want to, you spineless corporate Democrat.”
“No, because I’m willing to split my support between Democrats and Republicans like a true centrist should!”
“You are a living example of why Lawful Neutral is the worst alignment in D and D!”
All the candidates agreed to keep the presence of extraterrestrials on Earth a secret.
Sestak stated: “In 2013, 36 percent of Americans believed in UFOs. Now over half of Americans believe in UFOs. Trump is making matters worse by having the Navy openly talk about UFOs. Not only is Trump alienating our allies, but he’s also alienating aliens!”
All the candidates disagreed when asked if they were hurting the Democratic Party by running for President instead of the Senate.
“If a spiritual advisor can run for President,” said Messam, “Then I can run for President. I’ve won more elections than she has, and I live in a battleground state. Let the voters decide.”
“If the voters decide against me,” stated Bullock, “I’ll still have enough supporters to make a living by putting my name on ghostwritten books!”
Also in the Babbler:
Bolingbrook residents perform unsuccessful anti-rain dance
Hidden Lakes Monster captured in the DuPage River
Trustee Michael Carpanzano denies calling Jackie Traynere a space alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/4/19
Note: This is a work of fiction.