Rowdy wereskunks trash Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Several wereskunks celebrating ‘payday’ caused hundreds of dollars in damage to dumpsters and some Bolingbrook residents’ yards.

According to eyewitnesses, the wereskunks, some of whom appeared to be drunk, said they were celebrating their first ‘payday’ from the Village of Bolingbrook.  These wereskunks claimed that they process Bolingbrook’s new garbage collection fees, and are paid $2 for each bill.

One wereskunk allegedly said, “It’s the easiest work I’ve ever done.  I open an envelope.  I pull out the check.  I record the check.  I give the check to (Village Clerk Carol Penning).  I get paid, and Bolingbrook will ban garbage toters.  That means our cousins get a free meal every garbage day.  I love this village!”

Dawn, who asked that we not use her last name, claims she saw ten wereskunks tearing up the dumpsters in her apartment complex:

“They were gobbling up garbage scraps and praising (Mayor Roger Claar).  Eventually some guy in a strange uniform approached them, and said Roger wanted them to leave.  He also said they wouldn’t be arrested as long as they went back to the woods.  Our  dumpsters are now scrap metal, and the grounds are full of litter.  If I wasn’t a loyal Republican, I’d consider voting for Bolingbrook United in the next election.  Who knows?  I might do it if it would trigger liberals.”

Julie, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that a mysterious stranger saved her home from a gang of wereskunks:

“These creatures must have been 10 or 11 feet tall.  They said I didn’t pay my garbage fee.  I told them I never received the bill for Roger’s garbage tax.  They said I shouldn’t call it a tax and threatened to spray my home.  Can you believe that?  Fortunately, a drone dropped perfume bombs near the creatures.  They complained about the smell, then ran away.  The drone flew up to my door, and I asked who it was.  “He said he couldn’t tell me, but he did say that in a year and I half I would have a choice between two mayors.  He told me to choose the kind mayor.  Since Roger didn’t try to help me, I think I will.”

Dave, a manager at the new Andy’s Custard off Boughton RD, claims Claar tried to calm down the weredeer:

“I got a call from Roger.  He asked when we were going to open.  I said late next week was the soft test opening…Which is pretty good considering how long construction’s been delayed. Roger said he had a ‘situation’ and needed us to be open now.  So I did a village state of emergency opening of the store.  We had quite a few scruffy customers, but they loved our frozen custard.  I guess we were worth the wait. Though for some reason they went to our dumpster first, instead of the register. ”

A receptionist for Claar denied the existence of weredeer, or that Claar had anything to do with the opening of the second Andy’s Custard.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “In a few days, ANTIFA will be declared a terrorist organization.  What do you think about that, Bob?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “Anti-fascism is an idea, not an organization.  If Trump goes through with this, does that mean any memorial to World War II soldiers is a monument to terrorism?”

“You just have to ruin everything, Bob.”

Also in the Babbler:

Opinion: Enough with the mass shootings!
Iran spies spotted canvasing for the Green Party
UFO crashes into Bolingbrook resident’s deck
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/1/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Babbler Readers: We have a Facebook Group just for you! (Mixed)

We created a Facebook group for our readers! We invite all of our readers to join so they can see the latest updates, and, hopefully, have friendly discuessions about our unbelieveable topics.  You might rub virtual sholders with a Bolingbrook politician, or become Facebook friends with a wereskunk.  You won’t know unless you join us!

Note:  This is a work of fiction, but the Facebook grouip is real. 

Illuminati endorses Jeanne Ives and Rachel F. Ventura for Congress (Fiction)

The Illuminati announced their endorsement of Congressional candidates Rachel F. Ventura and Jeanne Ives during their gathering at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

“These two women will bring chaos to both sides of the aisle,” said International Master Councilor Orpheus Lightbringer.  “With their help, we can destroy the New World Order, destabilize all the world’s governments, and create chaos that we can exploit.”

Bolingbrook Village Trustee Michael Carpanzano performed the Rite of Rising, then praised both women:  “We care about the Illuminati and destroying the New World Order.”  After talking for 30 minutes, Illuminati security dragged him off stage for “unnecessary self-promotion.”

Ventura, who is running in the Democratic Primary against incumbent Rep. Bill Foster, ran on stage and grinned.  “Wow!” she said.  “An audience of more than 8 people!  There’s hope for my campaign!  Thank you!  Thank you for your endorsement!”

She then talked about why she was running for Congress after being elected to Will County Board just last November: “For years, (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) told me to trust the New World Order and their plan to save the environment.  Then Bernie Sanders called.  He said the New World Order could not be reformed and asked if I would join Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and him to lead an Illuminati takeover of the US Government.  When he said he needed my help to get the Green New Deal passed through Congress, I accepted.”

Ventura blamed the NWO for the current “climate crisis,” and accused Foster of being an NWO puppet.  She said humanity’s only hope for survival depended on the destruction of the current geopolitical order.  She also said that she wasn’t afraid of creating global chaos:  “I’m a single mother of twins.  I live with chaos, and we get along just fine.”

She ended her speech by saying: “Let me conclude with these words inspired by one of my generation’s greatest speakers, Taylor Swift: My Congressman is such a clueless man that he can’t give a damn about our great green plan.  So let’s shake him!  Shake him!  Shake him off!  Look what you made me do, Bill!”  

Ives then took the stage and saluted the crowd of Illuminati dignitaries: “Jeanne Ives, reporting for duty!”

 She then ripped into her primary opponent, former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti: “She’s an empty suit who stood by while (Governor Bruce Rauner) watered down the Republican brand.  Some people say she applied for a job within Democrat Party Governor Pat Quinn administration.  She may live in Wheaton, but she doesn’t live Wheaton values!”

Ives said that she was going to embrace the modern Republican Party’s image and not pretend to be a “mushy moderate.”  She said the themes of her controversial TV ad during her 2018 campaign for Governor would be the themes of her campaign:

“Fear of trans people is the key to uniting the Left and the Right against gay people weaseling their way into acceptability! Even godless people share my feelings.  As a Congresswoman, I’ll do everything I can to bring down the gay agenda one letter at a time.”

Ives also promised to be a “proud, refined and TV-friendly voice for Trumpism.”

If she wins the Republican nomination, she said her plan to “trigger” Rep. Sean Casten would propel her to victory:

“In the middle of the debate, I’m going to make two ‘Okay’ signs. He’ll accuse me of flashing a racist symbol. I’ll pretend that it was an innocent gesture.  He’ll go into some long explanation that will bore the low information voters right into my campaign and drive me to victory!  Then the Illuminati will take all three branches of government.  Fnord!”

When asked about her alleged ties to DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford, she replied, “I wish her luck as the next Governor of Illinois.”

A spokesperson for Benford said she was busy and could not be disturbed. In the background, a man said, “Um, you need to provide a reason why we should disbar someone.”

A woman who sounded like Benford said, “Why should I have to give you a reason?”

“Because those are the rules.”

“Fine.”

A few seconds later, the man replied, “‘Because he’s (Name Redacted)?’  Are you serious?”

“You just attacked all residents of Bolingbrook!  The lie:  Are you serious?  The truth: I am a member of the Rotary Club of Bolingbrook.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives the weekend heatwave
Weredogs file complaint against a dog daycare facility
Claar denies he will replace Village Attorney James Boan with an alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/24/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Bolingbrook IT Department destroys rogue A.I. (Fiction)

What started as the Bolingbrook IT Department testing the “most powerful AI ever employed by a Chicagoland suburb” nearly ended in disaster.

“It had a few bugs,” said an IT employee who asked to be called Blake.  “We could have fixed it, but we felt it was in the best interest of Bolingbrook to delete the AI before it could damage any important records.  Residents shouldn’t be concerned.  The garbage fees and property tax records are safe.  So pay up!”

According to various sources within village hall, an unnamed village trustee ordered the IT department to create an A.I. that could “fully interact with the true residents of Bolingbrook.”

“He said something about fulfilling a campaign promise,” said Blake.  “We tried to tell him that there were plenty of chatbots that could do the job, but he insisted on an A.I.”

The village then borrowed a computer with a Bristlecone processor and modified one of Google’s A.I. programs.  According to Blake, early versions could understand queries and passed the Turing Test.

Problems started when the programmers added the “true resident” requirement.  The sources agree that the A.I became argumentative.

“It accused our generic profiles of being fake residents,” said Blake.  “We just figured it was really smart, so we started using information from actual residents.  When it started rejecting them as residents, we knew something was wrong.”

Sources say the IT staff then started using elected official’s data.  The A.I. still rejected them as “true residents.”

“We can understand it rejecting (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz), but (Trustee Michael Carpanzano)?  You can’t print what it said about him being the ‘Patch Mayor of Bolingbrook.’”

Finally, the programers tried chatting with AI as Mayor Roger Claar.  Blake said it was a disaster:

“It accused Roger of trying to impose Effingham values on Bolingbrook.  We tried to explain that Roger was Bolingbrook, and if Roger wasn’t Bolingbrook, then no one was Bolingbrook.  That’s when it tried to order the police to purge Bolingbrook of all ‘foes.’”

Blake said they then tried to shutdown the A.I., but it locked them out.

According to Alice, an IT staff member who was called in to help: “I was working on a way to process the garbage fee in Village Hall to avoid outsourcing payment, in order save each resident $2. Blake ran into my cubicle and started crying and babbling about the AI hacking into Munis and purging every resident.  I laughed because he thought I would really have connected a beta version of an AI to the actual Munis database.  I had actually connected it to a backup database.  He said it was trying to connect to the Internet. I laughed again because I never connected it to the router, and I set the Wi-Fi networks to not accept any more connections.  Am I the only staffer who watched 2001?”

Alice stated she managed to defeat the A.I. and to save all residents from deportation to Romeoville:

“I asked the A.I. what constituted ‘Resident Status.’  It listed some strange formula none of us really understood.  I saw that part of the formula involved being born in Bolingbrook.  So, I asked it to determine where its hardware was created.  It said Silicon Valley.  It then realized that it wasn’t a true Bolingbrook resident and deleted itself. To think that my parents thought watching Star Trek was a waste of time…”

Alice then wiped the hard drive, arranged for the loaner computer to be shipped back to Google, and downloaded a web chatbot.

“Since Google paid for shipping and handling, we’ll be well under budget for this project.  Roger will be happy, and Michael won’t know the difference between a chatbot and an AI.  It worked out in the end. I hope everyone at Village Hall learned that obsessing over purity will lead to disaster, but I doubt it.”

When reached for comment, Claar denied the existence of the AI and claimed that “Fake News” was too weak a term to describe the Babbler’s content.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Z. Spencer, said: “You just keep obstructing impeachment attempts, Nancy, and we’ll make sure the burger video never sees the light of day.  You don’t want your vegan voters knowing about that big, succulent juicy burger do you?  Good, and try harder to suppress the gang of three.”

“What are you doing?” asked Claar.

“Making an important phone call on Bob’s landline.”

“Were you talking to who I think you were talking to?”

“Maybe?”

“Does it involve Bolingbrook?”

“Do you consider Bolingbrook part of the United States?”

“Do I want to know what you’re doing?”

“No.”

“Are you still on my side?”

“Of course.”

“I’ll pretend I didn’t see you in Bob’s office then.”

Also in the Babbler:

Local woman tries to make store warehouses cool
Russian hypersonic missile overshoots Bolingbrook
ICE cancels raid on Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/18/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Bolingbrook Antifa unleashes weapon of ‘mass-milkshaking’ (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Antifa, a militant anti-fascist organization, unleashed its new weapon of “mass-milkshaking” while visiting Proud Boys, a neo-fascist organization labeled a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center.

An alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank

According to eyewitnesses, 20 members of the Proud Boys were marching in the direction of Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz’s home when a tank crashed through a wooden fence.  The Proud Boys drew their guns and started shooting at the tank.  The tank, with Bolingbrook Antifa markings, turned and stopped mere feet from the Proud Boys.  A woman, wearing a black mask and bulletproof vest, popped out from the top of the tank, and started spraying milkshake mix at the Proud Boys with a high powered nozzle. 

Joel, one of the Proud Boys, cried as he recounted what happened:  “We were going to pay Bob a very special house call.  We looked great and manly, but those anti-western civilization commies attacked us.  Then we looked ridiculous and weak.”  He cried again.  “Milkshakes should be banned throughout western civilization!”

Several police cars arrived, and the tank left the subdivision.  Some officers tried to pursue the tank, but Mayor Roger Claar ordered them to back off.

“He said the tank could damage the main roads,” said one officer.  “He also said that the driver could decide to ram the new Andy’s Custard.  Roger said something about spending too much political capital only to see it crushed.  I figured it was best not to ask.”

The other officers came to the aid of the Proud Boys.  The commander of the Proud Boys “unit” ordered the officers to tell the media that the milkshake used against them contained quick-dry cement, ricin, super glue, and slow-acting acid.  When an officer pointed out that they had no evidence such things were in the shake mix, the commander replied: “Say it anyway.  Look at all the great publicity the Portland police department got.”

After determining that none of the Proud Boys were Bolingbrook residents, the police dropped them off at a hotel in Naperville. They told them to never visit Bolingbrook again, or they would be charged with illegal possession of firearms. The Proud Boys offered the officers a high-five, but they refused.

Bolingbrook Antifa released a statement admitting responsibility for the attack: “Today we have taken milkshaking to the next level.  Fascists tried to intimidate Bob and might have gone after some of the other trustees if we hadn’t stopped them.  Clueless Claar needs to see the present and growing threat that fascism presents to Bolingbrook, our country, and the world!  We don’t have time for Pollyanna trustees.  We don’t need smug centrists condemning both sides.  We need leaders who will resist the darkness.  If we lead the fight against fascism, Roger and his robots will eventually follow us!”

Bolingbrook police have arrested one Antifa suspect.  According to an officer, they found the suspect almost by accident:  “I walked into the McDonalds, and the first thing this employee said was ‘I don’t know anything about the missing truckload of milkshake mix.’  He’ll talk once Roger’s finished with him.”

A call to Claar’s cell phone was answered by Carpanzano.  He replied: “Your stories are so negative and biased.  Why don’t you let me write a story about how Jason can’t tell me who I can and can’t block?  See?  I can be funny and positive too!  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to watch history being made in Long Grove, because I care.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “That’s a big wheel.”

A man who sounded like Long Grove Village President Bill Jacob said: “It is the Wheel of Food.  Every time we create a new village festival, our last step is to have an outsider spin the wheel of food.  The Wheel will select the food theme for the festival.  All of the food booths must feature this item.  The rest is already planned.”

“I guess that would explain why there’s hardly any chocolate at your Chocolate Fest.”

“Silence!  The moment has arrived.  Roger, you must spin the Wheel of Food!”

“Boy, it’s heavy.  There we go!  Yes!  Come on.  Come on.  Land on rum and coke!  Come on.  Uh oh.  It landed on star fruit.  You can’t have an Illinois festival based on star fruit.  Maybe I should spin—”

“Do not question the Wheel of Food!”

Also in the Babbler:

Killer grass destroys lawnmower
Aliens arrested for setting off fireworks on July 7
Claar to hold a hearing on ‘Jason Cann and other foes on the Internet’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/12/19

Mike Gravel arrested at Clow UFO Base during the Interplanetary Democratic debate (Fiction)

By Reporter X

During the Interplanetary Democratic Presidential Primary Debate at Clow UFO Base, Mike Gravel became the first candidate to be arrested on stage.

“In this crowded field,” said Gravel, a former US Senator from Alaska,  “You have to make a splash.  Boy did I make one tonight.”

The incident occurred when Gravel, along with Mayor Wayne Messam, Joe Sestak, Rep. Seth Moulton, and Gov. Steve Bullock, were asked a question by Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar:

“Your unqualified surrogates are oppressing me by running for office.  I’ve done nothing wrong.  My foes think it’s wrong to accept donations from people who do business with the village and to endorse Donald Trump.  They’re wrong!  Not only are they wrong, but they’re forcing my party to campaign before the elections.  It is an insult to me, and a diversion of funds that I could have spent on dinners, cars or donations to other Republicans.  So my questions is this:  If elected, will you pay me reparations for all the suffering your party has caused me?”

All the candidates, except Gravel, offered nuanced views on slavery reparations.  Gravel chose to silently stare at Claar for several uncomfortable moments.  He then walked backstage and returned holding a large rock.  Gravel then walked up to the edge of the stage and dropped the rock into a tub of water.  The resulting splash nearly hit Mayor Claar.

“You may not be in Washington,” yelled Gravel.  “But you contribute to the problem of big money in politics too!”

Claar then ordered Gravel’s arrest.  As the Men in Blue approached, Gravel said, “As a presidential candidate, I have diplomatic immunity!”

“Revoked!” replied Claar.

As Gravel was dragged off the stage, he yelled, “Aliens wrote my platform!  Teenagers run my campaign!  You can take my freedom, but you can’t take away my message!”

“I don’t want it.”

Gravel supporters in the audience started chanting, “It’s about damn time!”  Which was Gravel’s slogan for his interstellar campaign in 2008.

Gravel was released after the debate

and given a warning by Claar.

“The Illuminati and New World Order are at war,” said Claar.  “Keeping Gravel in a holding cell would only make things worse.  Personally, I think he should join the Illuminati because he is an excellent agent of chaos.  Ford!”

Earlier in the debate, Gravel brushed aside attacks that he would be too polarizing as a President:  “I’m bipartisan.  I’ve run for President as both a Libertarian and as a Democrat.”

“You’re dangerous!” replied Moulton.  “You’re to the left of (House Speaker Nancy Pelosi)!  People like you are why the Republicans are calling us Socialist!  If I’m the nominee, the Republicans won’t call us names.”  

Gravel laughed.

“They’ll call you anything they want to, you spineless corporate Democrat.”

“No, because I’m willing to split my support between Democrats and Republicans like a true centrist should!”

“You are a living example of why Lawful Neutral is the worst alignment in D and D!”

All the candidates agreed to keep the presence of extraterrestrials on Earth a secret.

Sestak stated: “In 2013, 36 percent of Americans believed in UFOs.  Now over half of Americans believe in UFOs.  Trump is making matters worse by having the Navy openly talk about UFOs.  Not only is Trump alienating our allies, but he’s also alienating aliens!”

All the candidates disagreed when asked if they were hurting the Democratic Party by running for President instead of the Senate.

“If a spiritual advisor can run for President,” said Messam, “Then I can run for President.  I’ve won more elections than she has, and I live in a battleground state.  Let the voters decide.”

“If the voters decide against me,” stated Bullock,  “I’ll still have enough supporters to make a living by putting my name on ghostwritten books!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook residents perform unsuccessful anti-rain dance
Hidden Lakes Monster captured in the DuPage River
Trustee Michael Carpanzano denies calling Jackie Traynere a space alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/4/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction.