By Reporter X
The Interstellar Commonwealth officially returned control of Clow UFO Base to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar. This ended a nine-month saga in which the village lost Clow UFO Base to alien protesters.
“Clow is a great UFO Base,” said acting Administrator Aplodoxage Glomox before stepping down. “It deserves a great leader.” Glomox then left the room.
Claar thanked the Commonwealth for their help in ending the occupation, and for acting as interim administrators until the results of the April Consolidated Election were certified.
“You guys did a great job,” said Claar, after taking the oath of office during a covert meeting of the Village Board held at the base. “This reminds me. There are people in the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group who think the Commonwealth owes the Village money. What those stupid liars aren’t telling the residents is that the Commonwealth fully paid for the restoration of Clow UFO Base, and shared a portion of Clow’s revenue with the Village. You don’t owe the village anything. Bolingbrook’s social media foes owe you an apology.”
Claar then announced that he was going to make some rule changes at Clow. He started by lifting the display advertising ban on UFOs and allowing advertising during alien abductions.
“The ban never should have been enacted,” said Claar. “You are guests here at Clow UFO Base, and if your hosts want to give you money to display a political ad, Clow shouldn’t step in the way. By the way, this is in no way connected to my interstellar campaign fund.”
Claar then recessed the meeting to watch special performances in honor of his reappointment. Clow’s theatrical group performed a musical number from the rock opera “Roger!” in front of an audience of the mayor, the Village Board, Clow employees, and interstellar dignitaries.
However, during a juggling act, a Clow employee rushed the podium and dumped a bag of garbage on Claar. As Men in Blue apprehended the protester, a woman ran on the stage and read a statement denouncing the village’s new garbage fees.
“Not only do we pay non-deductible fees for garbage,” read the woman. “We can’t even use garbage toters.”
Village Trustee-elect Michael Carpanzano then yelled from the audience: “Stop being so negative. We reduced an expense that counted against our property taxes and our general fund while maintaining positive revenue for garbage collection.”
“But many residents now pay more taxes,” countered the woman. “And we have to pay this fee on top of our taxes.”
“We said we’d keep taxes low. We didn’t say anything about fees.”
After the woman was arrested, aliens, dressed as cheerleaders, rushed on stage. They cheered, “Bill Mayer for mayor!”
“That man will never be allowed inside Clow again!” yelled Claar, as he finished brushing garbage off of his body.
After the cheerleaders were removed from the room, an unidentified alien yelled that Claar suffers from Fox News Delusion and is infected with memes. It was escorted out of the room as well.
Claar then asked Trustee-elect Mary Sabri Alexander-Basta to say something.
She walked on stage, looked at her cell phone, and said: “Whenever the residents are upset, find a way to blame (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz).”
“That’s the private memo!” snapped Claar.
“Oops,” replied Alexander-Basta. “I’m still learning. Let me see. Oh, this one.” She cleared her throat. “I’m just happy to be here, and I want to help Roger defend Clow from the New World Order and from Bob’s protesters. You will not annoy us.”
“Excuse me,” said Jaskiewicz. “First of all, I had nothing to do with these protests. Second, read our article about Roger’s poorly thought out garbage plan. I’ve been calling for an open process for months. This surprise letter and tax bill is not an open process. Third, I still can’t believe Roger’s covert budget. Roger, you’ve said that traffic to Clow UFO Base is growing, and based the budget’s projections on that growth continuing. When you defected to the Illuminati and endorsed Donald Trump, UFO visits started declining. The growth only started under the temporary stewardship of the Interstellar Commonwealth.”
“I have something to say,” interrupted Village Clerk Carol Penning: “God does not like people who stir the pot. There’s a special toilet waiting for you in Hell, Bob, and you will be stirred—”
“We get the point,” interrupted Claar, as he was handed what appeared to be a glass of Coke. “It’s time to stop the protests and start the celebrating. I’m once again the most important Chicagoland mayor in the galaxy!”
Also in the Babbler:
Carnivorous grass spotted in Bolingbrook
Resident adopts garbage toter and dares village to take it away
Skepchicks get office space in the Bolingbrook United’s interstellar embassy
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/9/19
Note: This is a work of fiction.