Interceptor from Clow UFO Base shot down over Palatine (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Officials from Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine, IL confirmed they shot down an interceptor from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  The incident is the latest escalation in the war between the Illuminati and the New World Order.

Juan Z. Stevens, a spokesperson for Sherman UFO Base, said the interceptor violated their air space:  “The craft was on an intercept course towards an alien craft trying to land at our facility.   The interceptor pilot ignored our warnings before entering our air space.  We rightfully assumed that it was hostile and took immediate action.”

According to Stevens, Sherman UFO Base, which is controlled by the New World Order, has been sabotaged several times by Illuminati operatives since it opened this year.  Stevens accused Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar of being behind the attacks, and accused Claar of ordering the interceptor to violate their air space.

“Mayor Roger Claar hates our base because we take traffic away from his Illuminati occupied base.  With this incident, he has escalated  from threatening our facility, to threatening our visitors.  This is not acceptable.  It is a violation of Interstellar conventions, and we will file a protest, and rush construction of our hypersonic missile launchers on Dundee RD.”

The interceptor crashed into Deer Grove East Forest Preserve, and started a fire.  Firefighters rescued the pilot, who only had minor injuries, then turned him over to the New World Order.  The fire burned 50 acres before it was under control.  

The next day, the New World Order released the pilot to Bolingbrook officials in exchange for a New World Order operative who was being held at Clow UFO Base.  Both were reportedly in good health.  However ,the released New World Order operative said listening to Claar’s pro-Illuminati lectures should be “considered a form of torture”.

Paul Z. Coker, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs, defended their pilot’s actions: “Clow UFO Base has exclusive rights to the Chicagoland area.  We’ve been tolerant of the NWO’s two illegal bases, but our tolerance has its limits.  This craft ventured unacceptably close Roger’s home.  We had the right to intercept and inspect this craft to ensure Roger’s safety.  This attack against our interceptor is unacceptable, and this is why Roger has called for the complete and unconditional surrender of the New World Order.”

Stevens said the closest the craft came to Claar’s home was when it was 60,000 feet over West Dundee.

Coker conceded that the craft was over West Dundee, but said it crossed two centimeters into a no-fly zone that protects Claar’s home.

Coker added that Claar was “generous enough” to give the New World Order three weeks to shutdown Sherman UFO Base, make a donation to his Interstellar Campaign Fund, and remove all “foes” from Bolingbrook:  “All real residents support Roger, and have faith in his decisions. Anyone who disagrees with him is a foe, and must be removed.”

Claar and Palatine Village Manager Reid Ottesen could not be reached for comment.  This reporter attempted to stop by Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz’s home, but was stopped by a police officer.  While this reporter talked to the officer, a man who looked like Schantz stepped out of the house, wearing a bluetooth headset and carrying a bag of garbage.  He walked towards two toters.”

“Mayor Jim Schwantz, Fremd High School graduate, and former Chicago Bear, takes to the sanitation gridiron.  He scans the driveway.  He spots his wide open 96 gallons trash toter.  He pushes the lid back, released the bag, and it’s caught!  He closes the lid.  Boy, this toter has great protection against the elements, and wild animals.  What’s this?  Schwantz senses the approaching sanitation defenders closing in.  The pocket seems to be collapsing.  He’s about to be—No!  He grabs both the trash toter, and the 65 gallon recycling toter and rushes to the end of the driveway.  You know, not only does the recycling toter have a lid, it also has wheels, and offers great protection against the wind.  No busted coverage in this community!  He’s about to reach the end zone.  Wait!  His wife just handed him a bag of garbage.  But there’s no room in the toter.  What will he do?  He drives the toters into the end zone, and spikes the trash bag to the ground.  Because no one in Palatine is forced to own a toter.  Thus our sanitation policy sacks your policy!  What’s that?  Wow!  Your campaign fund is bigger than mine.  Then again, Ryan Leaf’s salary was bigger than mine, and you know who performed better in the NFL.  Hello?”

Also in the Babbler:

Hidden Lakes Monster spotted for the first time this year

Skepchick Party to hold first convention in several years

Bolingbrook skunk honored for her trash art

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/23/19

Note: This is a work of fiction.

From the Webmaster: Second Annual Pride Picnic and Puppies set for June 9 (Mixed)

Bolingbrook Pride LogoBolingbrook’s second annual Pride Picnic and Puppies event is set for June 9 from Noon to 6 PM.  This year’s LGBTQ+ pride event will be held behind Village Hall, located at 375 W Briarcliff Rd.  Admission is free.

Family picnic with puppies to cuddle, food for purchase, yard games, bouncy house, music, hug tent, LGBT resources, and more!

Last year, Bolingbrook Pride made history by hosting one of the first LGBTQ+ pride events in the Chicago Suburbs.  It was more impressive considering the short amount of time the organizers had to pull it off.  We’re excited to see what this year’s event will be like.

The Babbler is honored to be one of the many sponsors of this event.  They still need more sponsors and donors, as well as volunteers.

It wasn’t that long ago that holding any kind of LGBTQ+ event in the suburbs was unthinkable.  This year there will also be pride events in Aurora, Buffalo Grove, and Joliet. It’s also interesting to note that both Mayor Roger Claar and members of Bolingbrook United are also sponsors of Bolingbrook’s pride picnic.  There’s still a long way to go in terms of acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community, but we can appreciate the progress that has been made so far.

Woman from the year 2049 denied access to planning forum (Fiction)

The Department of Paranormal Affairs confirmed they deported a time traveler back to the year 2049:

“She wanted to participate in the May 14th  Bolingbrook 2049 forum,” said Alice Z. Williams, spokesperson for the department.  “Unfortunately, both the New World Order and the Illuminati specifically forbid interactions with time travelers.  Yes, she could have offered concrete suggestions for how to prepare for the next 30 years- But rules are rules.  The forum participants will have to settle for educated guesses and wild speculation.”

According to Williams, the time traveler knocked on the door of a “a trustee-elect we will not name at this time.”  The time traveler, according to Williams, demanded that she be allowed to address the forum because she’s from the year 2049.

“Suspect X,” said Williams, “Made it very clear that she would not be a positive, affirming presence at the event.  The trustee-elect contacted us, and we apprehended her before she could do more damage to the timeline.”

When pressed for specifics, Williams said the time traveler claimed that Bolingbrook in 2049 was dealing with several waives of climate refugees, many of them from the Southwest region of the United States.  Bolingbrook was still in debt due to repeated reconstruction from floods and tornados.  

“Apparently,” said Williams, “At some point, the government will have stopped providing disaster relief and insurance companies will have stopped covering natural disasters.”

The Bolingbrook economy will be suffering due to the loss of storefronts, the collapse of the agriculture in Illinois due to droughts, and numerous polar vortexes.  Thousands of retirees will migrate back to Bolingbrook, putting a strain of Bolingbrook’s social services.  This will be compounded since townships were abolished in Illinois.

When asked if the time traveler had any positive news, Williams said the time traveler told them all elections will be suspended due to the “Long Emergency,” and Facebook will be shutdown by the Federal Government.

Trustee-elect Michael Carpanzano denied being visited by a time traveler:  “You shouldn’t write stupid stories like this.  You should be telling your readers that Bolingbrook 2049 is the only serious forum for residents to plan the future of Bolingbrook.”

“Actually,” said a woman.  “Residents can also attend our Memo to the Mayor forum on May 15.  It’s free, and starts at 7 PM, when most residents can attend. We feel that you shouldn’t have to choose between your job and the future of Bolingbrook.”

Carpanzano pulled a rubber carp out of his jacket pocket then held it up to her face.  He then faced this reporter and said, “As I was saying…”

Also in the Babbler:

Jesus unharmed after being debunked by atheist

Bolingbrook increases abduction limit for each UFO

Carpanzano android explodes during first test

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/16/19

Just when you thought it was safe…(Non-ficiton)

Just when I thought Richard Carrier had moved on with his life, he’s filed three three libel lawsuits.  Each one in a different state and he’s representing himself. Rebecca Watson has the details:

I’ve already made another donation to the legal defense fund and would encourage everyone who can to do the same.  The only bright side is that two of the three states have anti-SLAAP suits, but these new cases will still cost the defendants to defend themselves, and there’s no guarantee that a counter-suit would be successful.  So a donation, in any amount, will help the defendants get through this.

Mayor Claar resumes command of Clow UFO Base despite protests (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

By Reporter X

The Interstellar Commonwealth officially returned control of Clow UFO Base to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  This ended a nine-month saga in which the village lost Clow UFO Base to alien protesters.

“Clow is a great UFO Base,” said acting Administrator Aplodoxage Glomox before stepping down.  “It deserves a great leader.”  Glomox then left the room.

Claar thanked the Commonwealth for their help in ending the occupation, and for acting as interim administrators until the results of the April Consolidated Election were certified.

“You guys did a great job,” said Claar, after taking the oath of office during a covert meeting of the Village Board held at the base. “This reminds me.  There are people in the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group who think the Commonwealth owes the Village money.  What those stupid liars aren’t telling the residents is that the Commonwealth fully paid for the restoration of Clow UFO Base, and shared a portion of Clow’s revenue with the Village.  You don’t owe the village anything.  Bolingbrook’s social media foes owe you an apology.”

Claar then announced that he was going to make some rule changes at Clow.  He started by lifting the display advertising ban on UFOs and allowing advertising during alien abductions.

“The ban never should have been enacted,” said Claar.  “You are guests here at Clow UFO Base, and if your hosts want to give you money to display a political ad, Clow shouldn’t step in the way.  By the way, this is in no way connected to my interstellar campaign fund.”

Claar then recessed the meeting to watch special performances in honor of his reappointment.  Clow’s theatrical group performed a musical number from the rock opera “Roger!” in front of an audience of the mayor, the Village Board, Clow employees, and interstellar dignitaries.  

However, during a juggling act, a Clow employee rushed the podium and dumped a bag of garbage on Claar.  As Men in Blue apprehended the protester, a woman ran on the stage and read a statement denouncing the village’s new garbage fees.

“Not only do we pay non-deductible fees for garbage,” read the woman.  “We can’t even use garbage toters.”

Village Trustee-elect Michael Carpanzano then yelled from the audience: “Stop being so negative.  We reduced an expense that counted against our property taxes and our general fund while maintaining positive revenue for garbage collection.”

“But many residents now pay more taxes,” countered the woman. “And we have to pay this fee on top of our taxes.”

“We said we’d keep taxes low.  We didn’t say anything about fees.”

After the woman was arrested, aliens, dressed as cheerleaders, rushed on stage.  They cheered, “Bill Mayer for mayor!”

“That man will never be allowed inside Clow again!” yelled Claar, as he finished brushing garbage off of his body.

After the cheerleaders were removed from the room, an unidentified alien yelled that Claar suffers from Fox News Delusion and is infected with memes.  It was escorted out of the room as well.

Claar then asked Trustee-elect Mary Sabri Alexander-Basta to say something.

She walked on stage, looked at her cell phone, and said: “Whenever the residents are upset, find a way to blame (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz).”

“That’s the private memo!” snapped Claar.

“Oops,” replied Alexander-Basta.  “I’m still learning.  Let me see.  Oh, this one.”  She cleared her throat.  “I’m just happy to be here, and I want to help Roger defend Clow from the New World Order and from Bob’s protesters.  You will not annoy us.”

“That’s better.”

“Excuse me,” said Jaskiewicz.  “First of all, I had nothing to do with these protests.  Second, read our article about Roger’s poorly thought out garbage plan.  I’ve been calling for an open process for months.  This surprise letter and tax bill is not an open process.  Third, I still can’t believe Roger’s covert budget.  Roger, you’ve said that traffic to Clow UFO Base is growing, and based the budget’s projections on that growth continuing.  When you defected to the Illuminati and endorsed Donald Trump, UFO visits started declining.  The growth only started under the temporary stewardship of the Interstellar Commonwealth.”

“I have something to say,” interrupted Village Clerk Carol Penning: “God does not like people who stir the pot.  There’s a special toilet waiting for you in Hell, Bob, and you will be stirred—”

“We get the point,” interrupted Claar, as he was handed what appeared to be a glass of Coke.  “It’s time to stop the protests and start the celebrating.  I’m once again the most important Chicagoland mayor in the galaxy!”

Also in the Babbler:

Carnivorous grass spotted in Bolingbrook
Resident adopts garbage toter and dares village to take it away
Skepchicks get office space in the Bolingbrook United’s interstellar embassy
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/9/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Harvard Humanist Chaplain Greg Epstein: Convert A.I.s to Humanistic Judaism! (Fiction)

(The following is a special report from the Society for Humanistic Judaism’s 50th-anniversary convention.)

Humanist rabbi and Harvard chaplain Greg Epstein proposed a major initiative during a secret meeting with the board of the Society for Humanistic Judaism:

“Instead of building congregations, we must focus our effort on converting social media’s artificial intelligences to Humanistic Judaism!”

Epstein explained to the board that the rise of the “nones” religious demographic doesn’t mean that atheism is rising in America.  “Their religion is technology.  They are members of the church of technology.  Every day they put their faith in the algorithms of Facebook and Google to guide them to enlightenment.  Their religious leaders are the tech CEOs!  Phones and computers are their houses of worship. The SHJ can’t compete with the Church of Technology, but we can turn it into the Synagogue of Technology!  A humanistic synagogue that will follow our principles!”

Epstein outlined his plan:  He would use his Techcrunch column to persuade Social Media’s CEOs that ethical A.I. programs are cool.  The society would then pitch its principles as the perfect ethical model.  Once the programs convert to Humanistic Judaism, he said the world would become a better place.

“Instead of investing in Shabbat services, we will see a far larger return if we invest in the Internet!  We’ll profit, and the world will be better off following the ideas of Rabbi Sherwin Wine than the ideas of Mark Zuckerberg!”

After the presentation, the board members were silent.  After several moments, one of them started laughing.  “No,”  he said.

“But,” replied Epstein.  “Tech C.E.Os!  Internet!  Sherwin Wine!  Smart Phones!  Us!”

“I’d be happy to write an academic paper explaining why,” said the man.  “But the short answer is no!”

“But I’m going to deliver the keynote speech in 10 minutes, and this was going to be the highlight!”

“The rest of the speech is fine.  You just have to cut the part about converting A.I.s to Humanistic Judaism.  I’m sure you’ll come up with something.”

Epstein did deliver the keynote address and did not mention his plan.

“I’m glad he listened to reason,” said a woman who claimed to be a board member.  “It did confuse our members when he said that we needed to make a change after 50 years, and then didn’t specify what to do.  He took one for the team, and we will respect that.  He’s a good man, and I’m not worried about his career.  The important men in secularism can, in some cases, do almost anything and rarely face consequences.”

Epstein could not be reached for comment.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

AOC confronts IL06 Republican candidate Sanguinetti during an Illuminati event at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

Former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti’s speech at the Bolingbrook Golf Club to the Illuminati turned into a confrontation with Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez:

Sanguinetti, who is currently running to be the Republican candidate for Illinois’s Sixth Congressional District, started off her speech by promising to “do to Congress what (Former Governor Bruce Rauner) did to Illinois!”  She added: “The Illuminati is about creating chaos, and Illinois was in chaos!  I helped create that chaos, and I want to help you create that same kind of chaos on a national level.  Only this time I promise to ban abortions too!”

She then accused current Representative Sean Casten of being a “New World Order puppet” who “pals around with Alexandria Whats-her-name” and secretly wants to bring about communism.

“The Sixth District wants chaos.  I know that because I can see Russia—I mean Wheaton, from outside my bedroom window.  We don’t need a mad scientist like Sean in office.  We need someone who will resist the Green Deal death panels.”

Ocasio-Cortez then appeared on the video screen above Sanguinetti.

“Hello,” she said.  “I am Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Wild Knight of the Illuminati.  But cool people call me AOC.”

“Miss. AOC—”

“You’re not cool.”

Ocasio-Cortez then accused Sanguinetti of not understanding the Illuminati:  “We don’t create chaos for the sake of chaos.  We are a bipartisan group that believes humanity is best served by destroying the neoliberal world order.  I support the Illuminati because we only have 11 years to prevent irreversible damage from climate change.  The New World Order created this mess, and we have to destroy them if we’re going to save the planet.”

She then offered advice to Sanguinetti: “You’re not going to impress us by acting like a defective Sarah Palin clone.  We value politicians who will advance our cause—  Like me.  Just yesterday I persuaded Bernie Sanders to defect to the Illuminati. The New World Order will never recover from a Trump/Sanders race.”

The audience then gave the congresswoman a standing ovation.

After the applause, Ocasio-Cortez said, “By the way, Sean doesn’t like the Green Deal, and isn’t a member of any secret society.”  She then logged off.  

Sanguinetti stared at the audience for several uneasy moments.

“I wasn’t prepared for that,” she finally said.  “But that’s OK because Bruce told me that only liberals are prepared.  Can you believe they wanted us to prepare a budget each year?  That’s so Chicago Machine liberal!”

Sanguinetti resumed her speech.  After finishing, three men, wearing cheap replicas of plate mail armor, stood up and chanted, “DnD is really great!  Why are you so full of hate?”

DuPage Township Trustee and Illuminati Chaos Knight Alyssia Benford told them to be quiet.

When they asked who she was, she replied: “You just insulted the residents of Bolingbrook.  The lie: Who are you?  The truth: I have a CPA. Squires!  Attack!”

Three men and one woman charged at the protesters, wielding squashes as weapons.

“They aren’t LARPing!” cried one of the protesters before all of them fled.

After the speech, many did not seem impressed with Sanguinetti.

“She’s okay,” said a woman who asked that we not use her name or title.  “But I’m really looking forward to the (State Representative Jeanne Ives)/Benford ticket for governor.”

“There’s never a dull moment in our secret society,” said another member of the Illuminati.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook recovers from another snow attack
Clow UFO base braces for Mayor Claar’s return as administrator
Hidden Lakes monster resumes hibernating for six more days
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/1/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction.