Carrier Lawsuit: The case was dismissed but the legal bills persist (Non-fiction)

As PZ Myers recently mentioned, Richard Carrier’s lawsuit against Freethought Blogs, The Orbit, and others was dismissed, but there are still legal bills to be paid.  The GoFundMe Page is still up, and we still need donations. There are two fundraising auctions on Strderr’s blog: Auction 1 and Auction 2.

This case, to me, was yet another example of a strategic lawsuit against public participation (SLAPP).  These weak cases aren’t meant to correct stories, but to intimidate and bankrupt anyone who dares to be critical of the plaintiff. In my writing experience, I’ve received legal threats.  One for an editorial I wrote that was critical of Iowa City Council candidate.  The other was in response to the first weredeer article I wrote.  Years after that article, I noticed a well-connected law firm checking out many of my posts.  I’ll admit it was intimidating, and I’ve been fortunate.  It also helps that Illinois has an anti-SLAPP law.  I can, however, understand people who could be pressured into silence by the mere threat of a SLAPP suit.

So I strongly encourage everyone who reads my blog to consider contributing to this legal defense fund.  Because while I am not a free speech absolutist, legal intimidation tactics, like this suit, have no place in any democracy.

Wereskunks honor Mayor Claar during ‘Great Scampering’ ceremony at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s wereskunks honored Mayor Roger Claar during their “Great Scampering” ceremony for his “noble fight against garbage toters.” 

Wereskunk Alpha Joyce presented Claar with a skunk push doll and a certificate of appreciation.

“While other suburbs try to starve our cousins,” said Joyce, “Roger is helping our cousins by forcing residents to only use trash bags on garbage collection day.  That means our cousins can always enjoy one free buffet a week even during the coldest winters.”

Joyce also highlighted Claar’s new initiative to offer free lids for recycling bins.  “We want food scraps, but some of our cousins were confused by recycling bins.  By adding lids, they will avoid the bins, and go for the bags.  Now we do appreciate the artistic talents of some of our cousins, but this compromise makes sense.”

Claar accepted the gifts, saying his granddaughter would love the doll.  Then he addressed the audience:  “I appreciate the work all of you did during the last election.  When the sanitation department had doubts about throwing away my foes’ yard signs, you guys stepped up to the plate.  I also appreciate that you didn’t tell me or anyone in my party what you were doing.  Remember: Liberals hate skunks.  I don’t.”

The wereskunks then performed the “Great Scampering” ceremony.  The ceremony told the story of how Democrats and “Republicans in name only” tried to starve skunks by forcing residents to use trash toters.  The skunks, according to the performers, were on the verge of extinction when Claar appeared before a skunk prophet and promised plenty of food, water, and shelter for all skunks.  Thousands of skunks scampered to Bolingbrook, chased by the “Democrat Party’s” animal control officers.  When they reached Bolingbrook, a 900-foot Easter Skunk appeared and frightened away the officers.  The Easter Skunk gave each skunk an egg, then asked Claar to appear.  According to the story, Claar pointed out the thousands of garbage sacks sitting out on people’s lawns.  The skunks then made a covenant with Claar to guard his career.

“How old is this ceremony?” asked Claar.

“This is the first performance,” replied Joyce.

“The first of many, I hope.”

Golf Club staff then rolled in four dumpsters for a buffet.  A person dressed as the Easter Skunk gave each skunk two eggshell halves.  One half was filled with raw egg yoke.  The other half filled with rum.  After enjoying a meal, the Easter Skunk entered a DJ Booth and revealed himself to be DuPage Township Dennis Raga.

Raga started playing electronic dance music and addressed the wereskunks: “You guys are awesome, and I know we can count on you to support Roger’s reelection campaign in 2021.  2021 is also the Township election.  The New World Order is going to try to retake the Township, but we (Trustee Alyssia Benford and I) are going to run as the ‘Clean Slate’!’  If you support us, we’ll set up a food bank for your cousins.”

All the wereskunks then shifted into their warskunk form and started dancing.

Also in the Babbler:

Hundreds of aliens protest Mayor Claar by singing ‘Whoomp! Jaskiewicz!’
Zombie goat spotted in Buffalo Grove
Plainfield man shoots and misses Easter Bunny
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/25/19

 Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

From the Archives 2009: Village of Bolingbrook rejects Google Government (Fiction)

From the webmaster: while our staff gets ready to enjoy Passover/Easter weekend, I thought I would share this article from November of 2009.  The village may have won an award for transparency in 2015, but we missed the opportunity to redefine open government.

The village of Bolingbrook has decided not to participate in Google’s top secret test of Google Government.

A screenshot of Bolingbrook’s version of Google Government. It was tested in 2009 but never purchased.

“We are happy with Munis.” Said an anonymous source who wants to be a spokesperson for the village. “While this alpha test is free, we feel that we get more value when we actually pay for something.”

Although Google denies its existence, an Internet site claims that Google is working on applications that could change how democratic governments are run and could eliminate the need for politicians.

Sources who attended Google’s presentation with Mayor Roger Claar deny that it would eliminate politicians, but said it would be the ultimate in government transparency.

Google representative Peter Z. Alberts started the presentation by saying that Google Government takes full advantage of cloud computing.

“Wouldn’t it be expensive to keep village hall under constant cloud cover?” Asked Claar.

Alberts explained that cloud computing really means that the programs and files would be on offsite servers instead of on individual computers. This would save the village money because instead of buying a license for each computer, the village can buy cheap netbooks and employees could do all of their work using web browsers.

“How do we know the data will be safe?”

“We’re Google!” Replied Alberts. “Our corporate philosophy prohibits us from doing evil.”

“How secure will it be?”

“We’re Google!”

Claar explained that he was still “an AOL man” and didn’t understand all “this cloud stuff.” He asked why all the information needed to be online.

Alberts replied that Google Government is committed to open government. By putting all documents online, the public can easily access any document. This would save the village thousands in FOIA fees because any document would be available at the click of a button.

Claar’s eyes widened. “What about Bonnie and her fishing expeditions?”

“With Google Government, all documents are available. If she claims she can’t find a document, the residents will think she’s either computer illiterate or has mental software issues.”

Alberts added that putting government information online makes it easier for residents to help out the village. “Crowdsourcing” could save tax dollars that otherwise would have gone to outside consultants.

“What are some examples of crowdsourcing?”

“Wikipedia!” Proudly exclaimed Alberts.

The sources say Claar glared at Alberts.

“OK, bad example.” Replied Alberts. “SETI@home.”

“How many aliens have they found?”

“Good point. How about Galaxy Zoo? They can classify galaxies faster than computers.”

“If you say so.” Replied Claar.

Alberts continued by saying that Google Government was more than a word processing and data storage application. He said it could replace the trustees. Google would provide free wifi to every village resident. By monitoring the residents’ internet traffic, as well as scanning their Google documents for certain keywords, Google Government can create six virtual trustees that can accurately reflect the residents’ moods and opinions.

When Claar asked what his role would be in this new government, Alberts explained that Claar would be the “Mayor Sysop.” He would vote in case of a tie, report any glitches to Google, and veto any AI ordinances “with obvious bugs.”

Alberts defended virtual trustees because the village wouldn’t have to pay them, elections would be unnecessary because they’re constantly sampling public opinion, and they couldn’t be swayed by “outside influences.”

When Claar asked how his campaign fund fits in this new structure, Alberts smiled.

“Of course you would still have to run for reelection, but I think of your campaign fund as bloatware,” Albert replied as Claar started to turn red. “A campaign fund should only be used for getting reelected. You seem to use your fund for other things, like cars, overseas trips, and scholarships. I think you should divide your campaign funds into separate funds. One for travel, one for reelection, one for scholarships, and one for your personal discretion. We can use Blogger to set up a blog for each fund, set you up with Google Checkout, and then you can watch each of those funds grow. Because the residents of Bolingbrook can choose how to donate to you, I’ll bet that you will raise even more money for your charities because people who don’t support your reelection will be more likely to donate to the other funds.”

Sources say that Claar stood up and told Alberts that he was rejecting Google Government.

“I don’t understand why people are so obsessed with my personal fund!” Yelled Claar. “My campaign fund gives me the flexibility to deal with high-end executives! Because as much as I love Nancy’s Pizza, not all of them like pizza. They want expensive meals that you can only get in Chicago. Thanks to Illinois’ campaign laws, they can’t offer to pay for any of my meals or rounds of golf. If I had to pay for things with my six-figure salary, I would have to file for bankruptcy! How would that make Bolingbrook look?”

Alberts, according to the sources, apologized for offending Claar, then said he would pitch Google Government to Lisle’s Mayor Broda instead.

“I e-mailed my initial presentation to Trustee Brondyke.” Said Alberts. “She said that if I set foot in Lisle Village Hall, she would help me demonstrate medieval stretching techniques. That should be very educational.”

When asked to comment, Claar denied speaking to any representatives from Google. “Google is great for searching the Internet, but I don’t–Hey! Get off of my patio!”

This reporter then heard the sound of breaking glass.

“Google’s maps have guided me here, and its street view has given me the vision to find you and lead you to the Church of Google!”

“Church of Google?”

“Yes  Join us as because you don’t need faith to believe that Google is the only omniscient being on Earth!”

“Really?  Does Google know what I’m thinking right now?”

“Let me Google that!”

This reporter then heard a scuffle, followed by the man screaming in pain. Two other men read the man his rights. The man replied that his First Amendment rights were being violated because he won’t be able to access the Village’s wifi network in his cell.

Second later, Claar picked up the phone and replied, “My village has too many idiots!”

Note: This is a work of fiction.

Sources: Village of Bolingbrook to invest in earth orbiting ads (Fiction)

In 2021, could Bolingbrook residents look up at the night sky and see an ad for a village event?  Some anonymous sources say the village will invest in orbiting “community service” promotions. 

According to the sources, the village will buy advertisements from SmartRocket. They will look like star constellations, but will actually be a synchronized group of CubeSats.  The initial ads will only have text.  There is, however, talk of adding images and video to future ads.

One of the sources explained:  “Nobody reads the fake press, I mean the local press.  It harms local community groups.  So it’s the village’s responsibility to promote groups whose members create harmony instead of chaos every election year.”

The sources did not specify how much the village would budget for orbiting ads, but SmartRocket confirmed that they sell eight hours of ads for $20,000.

Another source defended the ad buy:  “Bolingbrook is an exceptional village, and our promotion needs to be exceptional.  We might incur some more debt, but it will be good debt!  That’s why the residents elected Trustee Michael Carpanzano.  He has the marketing background necessary to bring Bolingbrook to the night sky.”

Judith, who asked that we not use her last name, is looking forward to the ads: “Stars are so boring to look at, and it’s not like you can see many of them here.  It’s will be nice to look up and see something useful.  (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) is a genius!”

Patricia, who asked that we not use her last name, wants to stop the: “It’s bad enough seeing a satellite fly by when looking up at the stars. Now I fear that I will look up at the sky and see a video of Roger!  This is one of the reasons God will eventually get around to smiting Bolingbrook.  We need less light pollution, not more light pollution tor ads!”

Claar denied any plans to buy orbiting ads:  “No!  No!  Not true!  I am not buying flying ads. And offering free recycling lids does not mean I am appeasing the talking skunks or the wereskunks, or whatever your made-up skunks are called!”

In the background, several people screamed.  A woman who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford then said, “They can’t be stopped.  You’ve got to admire their purity of purpose.”

“Who can’t be stopped?”

“You have my sympathies.”

“Where are you going?”

A few seconds later, more people screamed and started running.  A woman who sounded like Village Clerk Carol Penning cried, “We were wrong.  We were so wrong.”

“You know we never say the ‘W’ word in Village Hall.”

“But they’re out of our control.  They didn’t stop with the DuPage Township.  They kept going.  They—”

Penning screamed.

“Who are you running from?” asked Claar.  “It can’t—Oh my God!”

A man with a downstate accent then said, “Your clerk is double dipping the taxpayers of Bolingbrook by collecting two salaries.  She must resign.”

“She will not resign,” Claar replied.  “You will go (expletive deleted) yourself!”

Also in the Babbler:

Russian snow attack angers residents
Aliens hope to attend Bolingbrook Pride Picnic
Mayor Claar to take over Clow UFO Base on 5/1/19
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/16/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Woman exiled from Bolingbrook after trying to sell fake Dead Sea road salt (Fiction)

Mayor Roger Claar exiled Janet Z. Fischer from Bolingbrook for allegedly offering fake Dead Sea road salt to the village.

“Normally we would jail people like her,” said an anonymous source with friends in Village Hall.  “But considering the sensitive nature of this incident, we thought it would be better to exile her.  Roger does have the power to do that, you know.”

According to many sources, Fischer walked into Village Hall and identified herself as Golda Zimmerman, a delegate from the Israeli government.  She met with the Director of Public Services and Development and offered to sell Dead Sea salt to the village at ten times the cost the village buys road salt from the state.

Zimmerman replied that if the village refused her offer, she would report the village as participating in the Boycott Divest Sanction movement.

“If you’re perceived as supporting BDS,” said Zimmerman, “it would hurt the village, more than it would hurt Israel.  On the other hand, if you buy our wonderful salt from the Holy Land, I can tell the world that Bolingbrook is participating in the Buy Invest Allocate Support movement.  It can only help your village’s reputation.”

The director, according to sources, summoned the Public Works Committee to hear the offer.

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz was skeptical:  “Not buying your overpriced road salt is not the same as boycotting.  It’s a simple market decision.”

“But it’s from the Holy Land!”

Trustee Michael Lawler then said, “You know, supporting an Israeli company could be considered good debt.”

“If something goes wrong,” added Trustee Maria Zarate, “We can always blame Bob.”

Lawler left the room.  Several minutes later Claar entered the room.  Zimmerman explained her deal, then added that she could arrange for a sizable donation to the campaign fund of Claar’s choice.

“I can’t risk taking donations from a foreign country,” Claar replied.  “I can suggest donating to a local charity that helps at risk youth.”

“Wait a minute,” cried out Jaskiewicz.  “Facebook says your real name is Janet Fischer, and you’re not from Israel or even Jewish.”

“Those silly Palestinian hackers.”

“And these local governments have posted warnings about your scam.”

After Claar yelled at Fischer, she confessed.  Claar then decided her punishment.

“I just had to deal with an attempted coup, and I don’t have the energy to deal with you in court.”

“You mean an election,” replied Jaskiewicz.

“Which your party was swept in.”

“We won seats on the Plainfield Library Board, The park district board, and the Joliet Junior College Board of Regents.  That’s not a sweep.”

“Whatever, Wójcik.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.  But that’s beside the point.  Miss Fischer, you are exiled from Bolingbrook, and you if say one more word, Bob, you’ll be joining her.”

A receptionist for Claar denied that the meeting ever took place:  “Don’t you think if he really has the power to remove people from Bolingbrook, he would have exiled you guys years ago?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee-elect Michael Carpanzano said, “I’m sick of these so-called satire sites, Charlene.  They’re so anti-Bolingbrook!”

“I don’t know,” replied Charlene.  “Bolingbrook has a tradition of satirical publications going back to the Phantom Press.”

“Not in my Bolingbrook, Charlene.  I’ve been silent for too long.  I’m going to start a Facebook page to expose their unfunny lies, and I will call it True Bolingbrook Facts!”

“That name is already taken.”

“That’s never stopped me before.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village Clerk: I am not a dictator because I haven’t committed atrocities!
Alien sticks probes in itself to protest Bolingbrook United’s losses
Sources: Illuminati paid off $100 million of Bolingbrook’s 2017 fiscal year debt
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/10/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

“We’re first!” A Bolingbrook Babbler post-election special report

We sent out teams of reporters to cover the 2019 Consolidated Election in Bolingbrook. The following are their stories:

Illuminati celebrates First Party for Bolingbrook’s sweep of the Village Trustee race

At an Illuminati victory party held at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, Mayor Roger Claar announced the First Party for Bolingbrook’s sweep of the trustee race:

“We’re first!”

The audience of Illuminati dignitaries roared with excitement.

“We kept Bolingbrook. We kept Clow UFO Base. We kept the New World Order at bay. Ford!”

Claar then brought in the winning candidates, Michael Carpanzano, Mary Sabri Alexander-Basta, and current Trustee Sheldon Watts.

Claar said: “I want to thank the people who cast over 11,000 thousand votes for my trustees. To the people who cast over 9 thousand votes against me, shame on you! The Illuminati is winning. We will destroy all nations and only great communities, like Bolingbrook, will remain. Before I die, I will have absolute power in Bolingbrook, and no one, not even the state democratic party, will save my foes from my wrath!”

Watts wiped tears from his eyes as he made his victory speech: “Two years ago, I finished in last place, and shamed Roger. On that day, I turned my life over, again, to the greatest engineer in the universe, God. Today, I finished first. I feel like I have been resurrected, and I could experience stigmata at any moment! Thanks Roger, for not casting me back to the pit of the DuPage Township.”

Carpanzano reached out to residents who didn’t vote for him: “If you didn’t vote for us, even though we care, I will be happy to re-educate you. If you refuse to be re-educated, and still support our foes over the residents of Bolingbrook, then—”

Carpanzano pulled out a rubber carp from his coat pocket and extended his arm. The dignitaries chanted, “Carp! Carp!”

Alexander-Basta nervously thanked the gathered dignitaries. “Thank all of you for your support. I can’t wait to work with our alien friends to make the Bolingbrook STEM association the best STEM group in human history. Um, Roger. Am I supposed to say ‘Ford’ or ‘Fnord’ at this point?”

“Doesn’t matter. What matters is that you will support me when I announce my plans to build a space elevator and take out more bonds to do it, yes?”

“Um. I guess, since that debt would be good debt and we can never have too much good debt. I think?”

Claar laughed. “I’m just joking. Don’t worry. You’re going to be fit right in with all the other trustees I’ve had over the years.”

No Candidate Filed celebrates Plainfield Library Board victory

Two years ago, a Plainfield resident woke up and discovered that he had legally changed his name to No Candidate Filed. He thought he had ruined his life. Today, he is now a trustee on the Plainfield Library Board.

“Anything is possible in the Southwest Suburbs,” said Filed. “If I can make it, anyone can!”

Filed said his first priority was to make sure the Library Board is run like a governmental body, and not a business.

“I don’t think Jason Cann and I are going to get along, but I don’t care. God is on my side!”

Bolingbrook United tells New World Order: We’re not done yet!

Despite failing to gain any seats on the Bolingbrook Village Board, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz told New World Order dignitaries to look at the positives.

“Before election night,” he said to the crowd gathered at the New World Order victory party, “Bolingbrook United only had one elected official. Today, we have a representative on the Park District, the Plainfield Library Board, and the Joliet Junior College board. When all the votes are counted, we might even have a seat on the Valley View Board. I would have liked an ally on the village board, but I can live with the fact that Roger will now have to deal with dissenting opinions on three or four boards. That’s progress.”

Jaskiewicz also mentioned that it took Claar decades to build his political machine, and it wouldn’t go away over night.

“Next time, we’ll be even more prepared, and we’ll have our secret weapon.”

Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere then took the podium and said: “I’ll be back.”

Maripat Oliver consoles her alien cheerleaders

By Reporter X

DuPage Township trustee and former Village Trustee candidate Maripat Oliver visited Clow UFO Base to console the Maripats, an alien cheerleader squad.

“I was so moved when I heard your first cheer,” said Oliver. She then cheered, “Maripat is where it’s at!” She later added, “When my car was vandalized, I thought about that cheer, and knew that I had to keep running.”

“We’re sorry we couldn’t vote for you,” said Poxdosk. “We can’t stand the thought of Roger running this UFO Base again. Did you know that he’s already demanding that his office be stocked with rum and Coke?”

Though Maripat Oliver never held any campaign events at Clow, the Maripats marched around Clow and recited cheers in support of her campaign.

“I think we got one person to vote for you.” The alien started to ooze green tears from its arms. “But it wasn’t enough.”

Oliver hugged each cheerleader, with their permission, then asked them for help.

“There are two creepy men who drive over 200 miles just to bully me at township meetings. It would really be nice of all of you to dress up in human suits, and cheer me on whenever they speak.”

“We can do that!”

Bored Billionaire endorses 2021 Bolingbrook mayoral candidate

Peter Z. Zinn, who claims to be Bolingbrook’s only billionaire, announced that he was backing James Gaston for mayor in 2021.

“His ideas are so outside the box that you can’t see the box from where they are. He’ll be a fun candidate to watch, and fun candidates make fun campaigns. I like fun campaigns. Especially after this race. We need more fun in Bolingbrook.”

According to Gaston’s platform, he intends to:

* Make every governing body in Bolingbrook to donate .3 percent of their funding to a college fund.

* Make Bolingbrook self-sufficient enough that it could eliminate all taxes

* Build a village owned apartment complex and rent it for a profit.

* Bring a minor league team to Bolingbrook.

* Expand Clow Airport and bring in major airlines to offer passenger service.

Instead of donating to Gaston’s campaign, Zinn said he would from a Super PAC to back Gaston and any trustee candidates that endorsed his platform.

“I don’t want to get in his way, but I do want to make sure he gets his way once he’s elected.”

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Gaston campaign said, “You know, if the village owned an atheist blog network like Freethought Blogs, we could eliminate all local taxes, and still have enough to buy out WeatherTech! Those bloggers must be billionaires!”

Note: This is a work of fiction.

We Get Letters: The 2019 Consolidated Election edition (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

Doug Fields here.  The candidates have spoken.  Our editorial board has spoken.  Now it’s our readers’ turn to speak out.

We’ve gotten a lot of letters like this:

To the Editor:

Bolingbrook is great!  —Because the residents care.  (Insert what you care about in Bolingbrook.)  The First Party for Bolingbrook is the only party that says they care.  (Insert name of fake Bolingbrook party) has never said that on their literature or in person.  (Insert your favorite First Party candidates’ name) inspires me to (add your own comment).

I don’t want to attack but (Insert fake candidates’ name) does not support (our great golf club, our wonderful airport, our set list of village vendors)!  They do not care.  If they cared, they would apologize for forcing (name any member of the FPFB except Mayor Roger Claar) to spend money on campaigning.  The First Party for Bolingbrook is (any word except “perfect”), and Bolingbrook First and Bolingbrook United cannot accept that we live in a Utopia!

The Babbler must stop spreading their lies and only tell (“the truth,” “affirming stories,” “stories edited by Patch Mayor Michael Carpanzano”) because we care!

(Insert Name here)
(Insert a Bolingbrook address here)

Got to love astroturf.  We have received some original letters supporting each party.  This one is for the First Party for Bolingbrook:

To the Editor:

I’m sick of partisanship!  Anyone not affiliated with a political party knows that our mayor is a genius.  Even this random woman from California is praising me on Facebook!  Parties divide us and slow things down.  Uniting behind the best leader is the most efficient way to run a village.  Roger Claar is the best mayor in Bolingbrook’s history.

Do you know that there’s a Facebook group that doesn’t always praise Roger?  All they do is tear people down.  It is overrun with stupid partisan liars who would rather tear me down than admit they would be lost without Roger.  

The Democrats want to take over Bolingbrook.  My message to them is simple:  Just shut up and vote for my party!  Because it doesn’t matter what you look like, what you wear, or which God you worship.  Just as long you support your mayor.

Reggie Connor
Bolingbrook, IL

I think this reader is confusing mono-party government with non-partisan government.  Local political parties in Bolingbrook date back to the 1970s. We’ve had a long period of single-party rule, which ended in 2017 with the election of Robert Jaskiewicz. Naperville doesn’t have local political parties, and split votes during meetings are common.  The last time I checked, Naperville hasn’t descended into chaos.

Here’s a letter from a Bolingbrook United supporter:

To the Editor:

I moved to the suburbs to get away from the Chicago political machine.  Imagine my surprise when I realized that I moved into a community with an even worse political machine, run by Roger.  

Last week, Roger said Bolingbrook residents like me “want to create a political machine.” Please.  Chicago politicians take notes every time he releases his campaign’s financial statements because they are in awe of what he gets away with.

I’m voting for Bolingbrook United because someone needs to keep Roger in check, and it won’t be his handpicked candidates.  Sure they talk about fiscal responsibility, but let’s get real.  If Roger suddenly decided that the village needed to build the world’s tallest skyscraper, and he was going to take out bonds to fund it, would all the First Party candidates vote to stop him?

Jenny Z. Olmstead
Bolingbrook, IL

Here’s one for Bolingbrook First candidate Maripat Oliver:

To the Editor:

This election is generating interest around the world.  Residents as far away as Paris, IL are coming here just to disrupt our meetings.  Russian trolls are flooding our social media accounts to incite us into a civil war.  They say we only have a choice between two parties.

No, we don’t.  The Russians and the Downstaters don’t control me. I’m going to stick with the party that made Bolingbrook great, which is Bolingbrook First.  Roger may no longer endorse its candidates, but Roger isn’t Bolingbrook.

This year, I’m voting for Maripat Oliver.  Because Maripat is where it is at.

Jed Z. Oliver
Bolingbrook, IL

There you have it.  Now it’s up to you, the residents of Bolingbrook, to decide who you want to represent you in local government.  Remember: Anyone can complain about taxes, but voters are the ones who do something about them.

Also in the Babbler:

Werecat accused of aggressive leafleting for Bolingbrook First
Sources: Claar considers hiring Blackwater to replace the police department
Experts say local flu not caused by Martian virus
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/2/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction.