Bored billionaire to back Bolingbrook First party (Fiction)

A man who claims to be Bolingbrook’s only billionaire announced his plans to support the Bolingbrook First Party in the April 2 Village Trustee election.

This graphic could soon be featured on the Patriots for Maripat Oliver website.

“Two-party elections are simplistic and boring,” said Peter Z. Zinn.  “Three party elections are fun to watch.  Who doesn’t like to have fun?”

“Bolingbrook First” is one of two names Mayor Roger Claar has used for his political party, along with “First Party for Bolingbrook.”  For the 2019 election, Claar’s endorsed candidates are running as the First Party for Bolingbrook.  Maripat Oliver, however, was able to file as a candidate for Bolingbrook First, and her candidacy was not challenged.

Instead of donating directly to Bolingbrook First, Zinn will form several Super PACs to back Bolingbrook First.

“There’s a lot of work to be done, and it just would be faster if I did it on my own.  Maripat has done a great job getting to people on the ground with flyers and her Facebook page is fine.  However, she still needs help from an organization right now as her party is in disarray.  Only a person of means, like me, can do what needs to be done.”

Zinn unveiled designs for the websites for his Super PACS: “Citizens United to put Bolingbrook First,” “First Voters for Bolingbrook,” and “Patriots for Maripat.”  He said that together with Oliver’s website, residents will know that Bolingbrook First believes in fighting for residents, higher wage jobs, low taxes, more growth, fiscal responsibility, and garbage can reform.

Zinn also premiered two tv ads that he hopes to get on the air by late March.  The first ad starts with a montage of all the trustee candidates:

Voiceover:  Of all the people running for Bolingbrook Trustee, only one has stood up to the Edgar County activists attacking our village.

Video of a police officer approaching a man speaking at a DuPage Township meeting.  The man will not stop talking.

Oliver: He has gone way over time, and he’s being very disrespectful.

The man is removed from the meeting.  Dissolve to a video of a waving Bolingbrook Flag and an image of Oliver.

Voiceover: Any party can brag about being first.

Dissolve to the Bolingbrook First logo.

Voiceover:  Only one party puts Bolingbrook First.

The second ad starts with an older woman in her living room.

Woman:  I’ve lived in Bolingbrook for many years. I’ve seen many elections and spoken to many candidates.  This year, I’m voting for a party that knows Bolingbrook almost as well as I do.

Knock on the door.

Woman:  Who is that?

She opens the front door.  A younger female candidate speaks.

Candidate1:  Hi.  I’m with the First Party for Bolingbrook—

Woman:  First party for Bolingbrook?  You seriously think you’re the first party that’s for Bolingbrook?

Candidate1:  I—

Woman:  Bob Bailey was one of Bolingbrook’s founding fathers.  He served as mayor and would have served a second term if the Federal Government hadn’t driven him out of town.  Are you saying he wasn’t for Bolingbrook?

Candidate1:  No—

Woman:  Bob meant business.  You mean nothing to me.

Candidate1:  Oh yeah?  Well, I bet I have more homestead exemptions than you do!

Woman slams the door.

Anyway, I’m voting for the only party that really cares about Bolingbrook.

Knock on the door.

Woman:  Again?

She opens the door and sees another candidate at the door.

Candidate2:  I’m running for Village Trustee because I care.

Woman:  I know you.  You’re the trustee who didn’t care when wrong information was printed in the Village Directory.  If you didn’t care about that, why should I expect you to care about important issues like our debt or our overpriced water?

Woman slams the door.

Woman:  The party I’m endorsing cares about real people and has a history of—

Knock on the door.

Woman:  What now?

She opens the door and sees another candidate.

Candidate3:  I’m running for Village Trustee.  People describe me as—

Woman:  What are you, a walking resume statement?  No real person talks like that.

She slams the door on Candidate3.

Woman:  I’m voting for Bolingbrook First.

Dissolve to the logo.

Woman:  Because any party can say they’re first.  Only one party puts Bolingbrook First.

While Zinn says he hopes to make the race exciting, he added that he does have an issue with Claar: “When I heard about a bank closing a branch, I sent an application to the Planning Commission so I could use the space to open a restaurant that serves caviar tacos.  Roger called me and said that because I didn’t ask for his permission, he was going to deny my application.  Now there’s a hole in the ground where my restaurant could have been.”

All of Bolingbrook’s parties spokespersons refused to be interviewed for this story.

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens arrested for organizing a fake Bolingbrook United fundraiser on Jupiter
High winds blow Bolingbrook infant into Chicago
UFO lands on Palatine resident’s backyard by mistake
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Zombie skunks terrorize Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Despite reports of zombie skunks in Bolingbrook, the Department of Paranormal Affairs denies their existence.  

A cartoon skunk next to text that reads, "Snow, Bolingbrook's Skeptical Skunk, says Zombie Skunks are fake news! Learn more at www.bolingbrook.com."

Will the Village of Bolingbrook use this graphic to “debunk” zombie skunks?

“There’s no such thing as zombie skunks!” said an official who wished to remain anonymous.  “If zombies were real, we would have been overrun years ago.  This kind of reporting only incites panic.  If you see a very skinny skunk with unusually severe wounds, just run away from it and call animal control.”

Many residents disagree.  

Juanita, who asked that we not use her last name, claims she saw a zombie skunk in her backyard:  “It was really skinny, and had a blank look in its eyes.  It just shuffled towards the house.  I threw something at it.  That should have scared it off, but it kept moving towards the house.  So I pulled out my gun and shot it.  I know I hit it, but it kept going.  So I locked the doors, and my spouse and I debated whether we should lock ourselves in the basement, or shelter upstairs.  We never reached a decision.  The police arrived and the zombie skunk was gone.  The officer gave me a ticket for discharging a gun inside the village.  The zombie apocalypse has started, and the police are ticketing the residents!  No wonder police are useless in these situations!”

Pete, who also asked that we not use his last name, also spotted a zombie skunk:

“I saw a dead skunk next to my trash bags.  I felt bad at first, but as I was getting in my car, it stood up, and I saw that its eyes looked funny.  Then it started walking towards me.  That’s when I realized something was wrong.  No ordinary Bolingbrook skunk would ignore a bag of fresh garbage.  I think it wanted to eat me.  Fortunately, it was slow, and I drove away.”

Pete claims he later called Mayor Roger Claar about the sighting:  “Roger asked if I was supporting the First Party for Bolingbrook in the upcoming election.  I said I was going to vote for Bolingbrook First because I want to elect a party that puts Bolingbrook first.  He said I gave the wrong answer and hung up.  I used to wonder why the governments collapsed in every zombie movie.  Now I understand.”

Pete urged all Bolingbrook residents to stock up on food and ammunition.  He also suggested shooting any skunk in the head, “just to be safe.”

An anonymous employee at Animal Control denied the incident happened and denied the existence of zombie skunks:

“I am aware of the zombie deer disease. It doesn’t turn deer into zombies.  It just makes them waste away and eventually die.  My best advice is not to eat the meat of a deer that was acting strange or looked sick before it was killed.  We do have a few cases in Will County, so be careful out there.”

The employee also urged residents not to kill any skunks without a proper license from the village.

Claar could not be reached for comment, but Michael Carpanzano, a Village Trustee candidate for Claar’s First Party for Bolingbrook, denied the existence of zombie skunks:

“Your stories are stupid and do nothing to help our community.  You should write about how all of our candidates are the only ones canvasing neighborhoods today because we care.”

Bolingbrook United’s Park District Park District candidate Saud Gazanfer walked up to Carpanzano:  “We’re out canvassing today because we also care about Bolingbrook.”

Carpanzano pulled a rubber carp out of his pocket and held it in Gazanfer’s direction:

“As I was saying, I don’t see any of the other parties outside today.”

Also in the Babbler:

The Babbler remembers the victims of the Aurora shooting
Aliens deny attacking PZ Myers
Bolingbrook considers importing rock salt from Europa
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/20/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Atheist missionaries invade DuPage Township (Fiction)

Paula (real name withheld), an 80-year-old Romeoville resident, was surprised when the doorbell rang.  As she approached the door, she heard the sounds of people shoveling snow.  When she opened the door, a man wearing a white coat with a red “A” sticker greeted her:

Hello!  My name is John.  There is no God and there’s no cost for us to shovel this snow for you.”

The man then handed her a copy of the book, Letter to a Christian Nation.

“I appreciated the hard work they did,” said Paula.  “I didn’t appreciate that book!  Just because I believe in God does not mean I want to murder atheists.”

John is one of many atheist missionaries descending upon DuPage Township this month.  The missionaries interviewed say they are on a humanitarian mission to “help the innocent victims of strife caused by the civil war here.”  All of them said that they intended to provide services that the Township could no longer provide. Services could be suspended due to the recent resignation of the supervisor, and the trustee’s inability to work together.

“These poor people are suffering at the hands of religious fanatics,” said Elenor, a missionary who refused to give her last name.  “I thought about going to the Third World to debunk Christianity, but after I heard about this terrible civil war, I had to help out.”

None of the missionaries would name the organization sponsoring their mission. However, some anonymous sources believe that controversial atheist thought leaders Sam Harris and Richard Carrier are secretly funding them.

Leo, a missionary from the UK, said he was appalled by conditions he saw in Bolingbrook.  “There are so many religious factions in such a small space.  I understand how the government collapsed here.  I hope that in telling people that religion is fake news, we can light a new candle of enlightenment in Bolingbrook.  Or at least get most people here to question the existence of Jesus.”

Elenor added, “Do you know that the township owns cemeteries, and likes to take senior citizens on so-called trips?  I hope our vacation, I mean mission, will end the atrocities.”

Blake Z. Newton, a resident of Bolingbrook, appreciated the free food he received from the missionaries.  “I asked them where they got the food, and they said they shipped it from Canada.  Don’t get me wrong.  I liked what they did, but they could have helped the local economy by buying food in the local stores.  I also could have done without the live reading of Richard Dawkins’s tweets.  I don’t think Islam is as bad as he says it is.”

Leo said his lack of faith deepened when he met a “local thought leader.”

“This man kept going on and on about all the great things happening around here.  I tried to be nice and say that he was brave for spreading propaganda in the midsts of all the chaos here.  Do you know what he did?  He called me an ‘unapproved outsider’ then stuck a rubber fish in my face.  I told him to read God is not Great, but he ignored me.  If he wants to waste his only life, I won’t stop him.”

The missionaries didn’t say how long they will stay in DuPage Township.

An anonymous township employee said she was not aware of any missionaries operating within DuPage Township:

“I haven’t seen them.  Honestly, I’m so worried about missing a paycheck that I haven’t seen much lately.  I hope the trustees will get their act together and vote for a new Supervisor.  Then he or she can sign my paycheck.”

In the background, a man who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Ken Burgess said, “Okay!  There are no holidays this Friday.  We have a legal agenda, and everyone can make the meeting.  There’s no reason we can’t have our special meeting, right?”

A woman who sounded like Trustee Alyssia Benford chuckled:  “I won’t know until Friday morning.  You never know what law might crop up then.”

“We can’t keep allowing those dogs to dictate the law to us!  You there.  You’re a lawyer.  

There’s no legal reason why we can’t hold a meeting on Friday.  Right?”

“I don’t think there is, but I left my township law books at home.  You should really ask me a question about real estate law.  I know that like the back of my hand.”

“Is there anyone in this building that is familiar with the laws governing townships?

No one replied.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Anti-vaccination alien terrorists spotted in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A still from a video of an alien anti-vaccination terrorist leaderBolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs is warning residents about a possible alien anti-vaccination terrorist cell operating in Bolingbrook.

Louis X. Peterseim, spokesperson for the department said: “If you so much as hear someone use ‘Jenny McCarthy’ and ‘vaccines’ in the same sentence, let us know.  Washington State wasn’t prepared, and now they have a measles epidemic.  Bolingbrook will not make that same mistake.”

According to the department, three members of the anti-vaccination terrorist group KuKPu’K were arrested. KuKPu’K operatives infiltrate civilizations and spread anti-vaccination propaganda.  Once a civilization loses herd immunity, the operatives release once preventable diseases into the general population.  Experts from the Interstellar Commonwealth’s law enforcement branch believe that over 20 civilizations have been destroyed by KuKPu’K.

“We understand that parenting is scary,” said Peterseim.  “We know that some vaccines have risks, but the benefits of vaccinating your children far outweigh the dangers.”

Peterseim and others in the department also insisted that the claim that vaccines cause autism is fake news.  

According to propaganda released by KuKPu’K, they are not opposed to vaccines, but are opposed to the spread of “gullible civilizations.”  

In one holovideo, a masked leader said, “Any civilization that is willing to let fear triumph over science and reason is not a civilization worthy of reproducing.  We are not infecting innocent children.  Their parents infected them by refusing to vaccinate their children.”

The department also urges all Bolingbrook residents to stay on a vaccine schedule not only for health benefits but to send a message to KuKPu’K:

“Jenny McCarthy and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. are not typical humans.  KuKPu’K may have fooled them, but they cannot fool the average Bolingbrook resident.  The best way to fight interstellar terrorism is to vaccinate your children and yourself!”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said she was busy and could not be disturbed.  She also said she believed that Claar fully supports vaccinations:

“Of course he does.  You know, he did earn his PhD., with a dissertation.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “So, Charline, what is your plan to destroy bolingbrookpolitics.com once and for all?”

“Oh, you’re going to love this.  First, I will use my sock puppets to tell them that you were seen on the Jumbotron during a Blackhawks game with a younger woman.  (Site owner Jason Cann) will publish the story even though we know that you would never do anything like that.  When he—Why are you giving me that look?”

Also in the Babbler:

New World Order fears losing DuPage Township to the Illuminati
Wereskunks threaten to endorse Maripat Oliver unless Claar meets their demands
Aliens call ‘Hellier’ documentary a ‘brilliant human comedy’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/14/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Protesters throw ‘goop’ at Mayor Claar (Fiction)

A peaceful protest in Bolingbrook ended in hysteria after masked men threw balloons of “goop” at Mayor Roger Claar.

“Roger is fine,” said a village employee who wished to remain anonymous.  “The only harm done was to the protesters’ cause.  They didn’t understand that you have to make the largest donation possible to Roger’s campaign fund before you can even think of throwing anything at him.”

The protest started in the afternoon with ten members of the Bolingbrook Skeptics picketing in front of the patio at Village Hall.  One protester claimed that Goop, a controversial retail site founded by Gwyneth Paltrow, was going to open a store in Bolingbrook.  The company recently signed a deal with Netflix to produce shows for the service. 

“Goop sells woo!” said Sara Z. Vickers, a member of Bolingbrook Skeptics.  “Woo has no place in Bolingbrook.  Just like jade eggs have no place in our vaginas!”

Peter X. Smith, another member, added, “Nothing happens in Bolingbrook without Roger’s permission.  We’re here to tell Roger not to goop up Bolingbrook and reject Gwyneth Paltrow!”

Smith claimed that the group tried to arrange a meeting with Claar, but they were told he didn’t have an opening for “lower tier residents” until December 2020.

“By then, Bolingbrook will have a Goop store and a second Andy’s Custard!  We had to act!”

After 30 minutes of the protesters chanting things like, “G.M.O.s will make us grow,” Claar, who seemed visibly upset, opened a door and started to walk onto the patio.  Three masked men wearing all black rushed up to the patio and started throwing balloons filled with unidentified goop at Claar. He quickly closed the door, but some of the goop had splashed on his pants.  

All of the protesters scattered after the attack.  Many screamed that they were afraid of what the Bolingbrook police would do to them.  One protester made it to the DuPage Township administrative building and demanded “political asylum from Mayor Claar’s infamous temper.”  She was arrested after staff refused to consider her claim.

The Bolingbrook Skeptics later released a statement saying that they never planned to throw anything at Claar.  They claimed that the three men who attacked Claar were “Social Justice Warriors who hate Jordan Peterson.”

CSICOP, a militant splinter group from the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry, claimed responsibility for the attack with the following statement:

“Mayor Claar has let psychics and chiropractors infest Bolingbrook for too long.  He must remove all woo and harmful quackery from Bolingbrook or we will do it for him.  He will not like how we intend to conduct our purge!”

A receptionist at Village Hall denied that Goop was planning to open a store in Bolingbrook.

“You people are so negative.  That’s why we have opposition parties in Bolingbrook now.  If everyone just had positive thoughts, we’d all unite behind Roger.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Thanks for all your hard work over the past month, Bill.  In a few more weeks, everyone will forget about garbage toters, and I can focus on getting rid of Bob.  Oh, don’t worry.  I’ll make sure you are treated like royalty in Sialkot.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Frozen alien de-thawed by doctors at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base’s medical staff successfully revived a frozen alien days after its human suit malfunctioned during the recent arctic cold blast.

UFO“This is why Clow is under a Nuclear Winter Level Alert,” said James Z. Clarkson, one of the staff doctors who treated the alien.  “Human suits are only designed to operate in normal human environments.  This week was not normal!  She is lucky to be alive, and, more importantly, she’s lucky (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) is not in charge.”

Clow officials would not release the alien’s name but did say she was from Venus and her suit’s heater and pressure regulator had malfunctioned.  The temperature in her suit dropped from 864 Fahrenheit to sub-zero.  The doctors say she survived because her suit injected a preservative into her, and she was found in time.

“One more day and she would have been dead,” said Clarkson.

Other anonymous sources say that when she woke up, her first question was: “Did I miss the drama?”  When pressed for more information, she said she has no other memory of the night she left Clow UFO Base.

Based on where her body was found, it is suspected that she was on her way to the special DuPage Township meeting happening that night.

“No government meeting is worth risking your life for,” said one of the sources.  “I don’t even know if anything dramatic happened at that meeting.”

When called, a receptionist said she was busy fulfilling a FOIA request from “those annoying guys from Edgar County.

In the background, a man said, “I finally finished my research into appointing supervisors.  They were right.  (Trustee Ken Burgess) needed to resign before the board could appoint him.

“Drat!” said a woman who sounded like Township Trustee Maripat Oliver.  “How could they be right, and (Former Township Supervisor William Mayer) be wrong?”

“I don’t know.  You do know what they say about broken clocks?”

“Whatever.  Hey, I just thought of something.  These Edgar County dogs are outsiders, and they’re trying to influence the (Bolingbrook Consolidated Election) so Roger’s candidates win.”

“I guess.”

“It’s collusion!  Just like what the Russians are doing.  Alyssia Benford is the puppet of outsiders, and that’s collusion, right?”

“I wouldn’t say that.  There are many issues to consider.”

“But we could investigate just to be sure, right?”

“Maybe.  I don’t think there are any laws against a township conducting—” 

“And ban their website until the investigation is over, right?”

After a long pause, the man said, “It might be possible since the Constitution doesn’t mention Townships specifically.  But your best option is to wait until I can research this—”

“My other option is to just do it, right?”

“Right, but it might not—”

“I’ll get to work on the subpoena for Jeanne Ives!  She’s in on this, I know! And don’t worry, we won’t spend any general assistance funds on this.”

“Still, you might want to proceed with caution—”

“Nonsense!  It’s better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission!  I’m setting the controls for the heart of the sun!” 

Note: This is a work of fiction.