The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2019! (Fiction)

Every year our council of psychics convenes to make their predictions for the new year.  Last year they did an excellent job. Amazon expanded their logistical services and even announced the opening of a second headquarters.  Trump made several tweets that could be considered the Mother of all Twitter Rants. 

Representative Bill Foster

Will Rep. Bill Foster help Rep. Sean Casten save the Capitol Building?

Some skeptics will point out that Obama did not steal the nuclear football, and Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz wasn’t allowed to put an item on a village board agenda.  Unlike those skeptics, we know that predicting the future isn’t an exact science, and the future is always changing.  Who knows, maybe Mayor Roger Claar read our predictions and decided not to go through with his plan to humiliate Jaskiewicz?

For the rest of our readers, here are our psychics’ predictions for 2019:


The Bolingbrook Fire Department’s Roundabout Rescue team will be revealed to the public after it rescues Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler.  Lawler will say that he wasn’t really trapped in the roundabout for two hours.

“I was part of a drill to test the team’s readiness.  They’re a bunch of fine individuals.  Most of the time, I remember how roundabouts work.”

The Bolingbrook Department of Public Safety will neither confirm nor deny they scheduled a drill.  No charges will be filed against Lawler.

A week later, Lawler will step down from the Village Board and Trustee Sheldon Watts will be named Deputy Mayor.  Mayor Claar will scold anyone who says the two events are related.


The Edgar County Watchdogs will escalate their campaign against the DuPage Township by holding a “Good Government Tent Revival” in the administrative building’s parking lot.  Attendees will hear uplifting music and “educational lectures.”

“Supervisor Bill Mayer says he doesn’t have a conflict of interest,” one speaker will say.  “But the Township Code says otherwise.  Section 85-45 says, and I quote: ‘Except as provided in this Section, no township officer or employee shall be interested, directly or indirectly, in his or her own name or in the name of any other person, association, trust, or corporation, in any contract for work, materials, profits of work or materials, or services to be furnished or performed for the township (…)’ Can I get a ‘He must resign’?”

During the revival, Township Trustee Alyssia Benford will stand up and start dancing.  “I feel the power of Good Government lifting my soul and bringing me closer to Jesus!”

Watts will be invited to participate in a baptism to “wash away the sins of Township Government” from his soul.  He will not attend.

Bolingbrook police will use tear gas to break up the revival.  Other Township trustees will offer free milk to those affected by the tear gas. 


After the April election, Claar will make an announcement at the next scheduled Bolingbrook Village Board meeting. Claar will state that he sent the village attorney to court to file for bankruptcy, and for the court to appoint him as the manager of Bolingbrook.  The move would strip the village board of all of its powers, and give Claar full control over Bolingbrook.

Claar will blame Jaskiewicz for the filing, stating:  “Everything was fine until you were elected!”

Near the end of the meeting, Judge Vincent Cornelius will arrive and announce that he has rejected Bolingbrook’s bankruptcy request.  He will state that while Bolingbrook has a debt problem, it is still capable of making payments on those debts.

He will add, “If you ever try this again, Roger, I will appoint Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea to be the manager of Bolingbrook!”

Village Clerk Carol Penning will scream in horror.


The Yellow Vest protests will reach Washington DC, though they will actually be wearing orange life vests.  Millions of dollars of damage will be done to the Lincoln and Jefferson memorials during the first weekend of protests against “the way things are.”

On the second weekend, they will march towards the Capitol Building, many of them armed.  As they reach the steps of the Capitol, Representative Sean Casten and his sister will step outside.  His sister will start singing the national anthem, accompanied by Representative Casten on the keyboard.  The yellow vest protesters will stop in their tracks.  Representatives Lauren Underwood and Bill Foster will march outside, waving US flags.

After the song, the protesters will disburse and leave Washington.

Many in the media will encourage Representative Casten to run for President.  He will reply, “Why me?  She did most of the work.  I just helped her. You should ask her to run for President.” 


Fed up with the nearly year-long government shutdown, and the results of numerous investigations, Congress will unanimously vote to impeach President Trump.

President Pence will declare a state of emergency and take control of all Internet Service Providers in the United States.

“The Russians have used our Internet to divide us,” he will say in his first televised speech.  “We don’t know who to trust anymore.  You can trust God and I am his faithful servant.”

Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube will be blocked in the US by the “Pence Firewall,” thus complicating efforts to organize national protests.

Pence will then allow “trusted community leaders” to take over control of their residents’ Internet access.  Bolingbrook will be one of those communities.

Claar’s choice to run Bolingbrook’s ISP will inspire little confidence during his only press conference:

“My haters say I’m supporting a dictatorship and opposing democracy.  They’re just mad that I’m an up and coming entrepreneur, youth mentor, politician, and thought leader.  My business is going to generate so much money that we can abolish property taxes.  I will also only employ Bolingbrook residents.  What’s not to like?  Oh, can someone tell me the difference between a dictatorship and democracy?  School never taught me that.”

Some residents will work together to start their own pirate ISP. The year will end with the Bolingbrook police closing in on the home of the illicit ISP to arrest “enemies of the village,” while hundreds of supporters outside will rally in support of “unfiltered Internet free speech.”

Also in the Babbler: 

Claar boycotts Clow UFO Base New Years Party after alcohol ban announced
Melania Trump investigates claims aliens illegally helped the Chicago Bears
UFO makes the first successful landing at Peotone UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/3/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

From the webmaster: Our top ten most popular stories of 2018 (Fiction)

By Wendy Ononfrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

File photo of former CSI feline fellow Cassie.

Before we say goodbye to 2018, I thought it would be fun to look back at our most popular stories this year:

10)Acting Clow UFO Base administrator considers accepting transgender refugees The last we heard, a decision is still pending.
9)Illuminati honors Qanon at the Bolingbrook Golf Club She’s still going strong in some corners of the Internet.
8)From the webmaster: Bolingbrook Pride to host ‘Pride Picnic and Puppies’ on June 10 The next event is planned for June 2019 at Village Hall.
7) Village Board celebrates the opening of ‘troll farm’ in Bolingbrook They’re still in business and we can expect to see their work during the 2019 campaign.
6) Mayor Claar defiant as Clow UFO Base reopens Roger may not control Clow UFO Base currently, but he might after the April election.
5) Anonymous Sources: Rogue Township trustees set fire to IKEA solar panel The war between the Illuminati and the New World Order reached the DuPage Township.  Allegiances may have changed since this story was published, but the fighting rages on. Even the Edgar County Watchdogs, rumored to be Illuminati operatives, have joined the fight.
4) Center for Inquiry responds to harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss by firing its feline fellows This one has kind of a happy ending. Krauss will retire in 2019 and the cats are enjoying their new home at the American Humanist Association.
3) The Roger Claar Party launches the first attack ad against the First Party for Bolingbrook The 2019 campaign is off to a negative start with a bold attack ad by the Roger Claar Party, which isn’t affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.
2) Amid controversy, Joshie Berger opens a restaurant at Clow UFO Base It was closed during the uprising at Clow UFO Base, but it is now open again. Though it is not as popular as the WeatherTech restaurants.

And the number one story:

1) Illuminati honors Professor Jordan Peterson The Bolingbrook Golf Club was the place to be if you were a member of the Illuminati.


Clow UFO Base survives another holiday concert (Fiction)

The acting administrator of Clow UFO Base, Aplodoxage Glomox, praised the organizers of this years holiday concert at Clow UFO Base.

“Any concert that does not end in a riot is a success,” said Glomox.

This year’s concert was co-hosted by Mayor Roger Claar and Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.  The two were chosen because Clow UFO Base will be returned to the village after the April Consolidated election.  Either Claar’s First Party for Bolingbrook or Jaskiewicz’s Bolingbrook United will control the village board after the election.

“This is the time of year when people of all faiths wish for joy and peace,” said Jaskiewicz during the introduction to the concert.

“It’s also the time of year we don’t call our enemies stupid liars,” added Claar.  “Instead, we struggle to recognize their humanity.”

“I thought we agreed not to do any ‘gotcha moments.’”

“I don’t recall saying that, Wojtyła.”


“Close enough.”

Local performers included the Clow UFO Base’s Visitor’s Choir, the Bolingbrook Garbage Toter Drill Team, and the Clow UFO Base Drama Club.  Unlike past holidays, none of the performers were banned following the concert.

One performer from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel was injured while attempting to juggle several burning menorahs while balancing on top of a giant spinning dreidel. During the performance, she lost her balance and the menorahs ignited her clothes as she fell.

“Happy Chanukah!” she said while on fire.  “You’ve been a great audience.”  Stage crew then extinguished the fire and rushed her to a medical bay.  After the concert, the Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs said she was expected to make a full recovery.

DuPage Township Trustee Maripat Oliver, who is also a candidate for Village Trustee, addressed the audience:

“There are so many holidays this time of year.  What makes Bolingbrook great is that we have the freedom to celebrate all of them.  Our diverse community is what makes Bolingbrook first among the suburbs of Chicagoland. Our love for this village is what unites us all.  Oh, did I mention that there’s never been a scandal involving the Township’s interstellar charity work?”

The concert concluded with a surprise performance by Tim Minchin, who had been banned for life following his performance last year.

“I was told by my friend Aplodoxage that I could have any performer I wanted,” said Jaskiewicz.  “So I brought back Tim.  Sorry, your last movie bombed.”

Minchin performed for an hour, and finished his set by singing “White Wine in the Sun.”


When he finished singing, he held up a banner that read, “Not the first person to believe that being sentient unites us all.  Universe first!”

Later, a human woman was heard screaming, “I’ve changed my mind!  I don’t want to run.  Erase my memory!  I can’t go on knowing that the Babbler is right!”

When reached for comment, Claar said, “Fine, I’ll play along this year.  Peace on Earth.  Donate to H2O.  I’m endorsing the First Party for Bolingbrook.  Maripat is a name thief.  Give Michael Carpanzano a chance to prove himself.  What I want for Christmas is for Joe Giamanco to sue himself.  Mary Christmas and happy holidays to every real resident of Bolingbrook.  I invite all readers of Freethought Blogs to visit Bolingbrook.  Now stop calling me!  Do you know what time it is in California?”

Also in the Babbler:

Scientist fails to breed flying reindeer
UFO crashes near Palatine
Wereskunks arrested after starting a campfire to warm skunks
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/11/18

Note:  This is a work of fiction.

From the webmaster: Taking a Holiday Break (Fiction)

After Monday, I will be helping the Babbler’s staff set up the new bureaus in Peotone and Palatine.  These offices will help us cover the new Chicagoland UFO bases that are opening next month.  So there won’t be any website updates until the last week of December.  Don’t worry, I promise to post our psychics shocking predictions for next year.

Until then, I urge all our secular and religious followers to have a happy and safe holiday season!

Bolingbrook First trustee candidate Maripat Oliver’s speech electrifies New World Order rally (Fiction)

Village Trustee candidate Maripat Oliver told a New World Order (N.W.O.) rally that she is the true heir to the Bolingbrook First party.

File photo of DuPage Township Trustee Maripat Oliver.

“I didn’t steal the Bolingbrook First party,” said Oliver to an enthusiastic audience of over 100 people.  “(Mayor Roger Claar) abandoned the Bolingbrook First Party.  I saved the Bolingbrook First party, and if I’m elected, I will save Bolingbrook from the Illuminati.”

Speaking at an N.W.O.  rally held under Nancy’s Pizza, Oliver told the enthusiastic audience that Claar’s political party, First Party for Bolingbrook, wasn’t responsible for what she called the “success of Bolingbrook.”  She also questioned the First Party’s commitment to Bolingbrook.

“All the parties are for Bolingbrook.  It doesn’t matter if you are the first, second, third, or fourth party to be for Bolingbrook.  What matters is that we will put Bolingbrook first. We’re the only party that will say that.”

Oliver did not mention the other opposition party, Bolingbrook United, but did say there were “good people” running for office besides her.  She also promised to maintain the Bolingbrook First party tradition of being “People friendly and business friendly.”

“I don’t know about you,” said Oliver.  “But compelling one business to dig a hole in the parking lot of another business is not an example of a business-friendly government.”  This was a possible reference to Andy’s Custard attempting to construct a second location in Bolingbrook at the suggestion of Claar.  Though planned to be completed in 2018, it is now slated for opening in 2019.

She also mentioned this year’s Bolingbrook Pride event.

“The Bolingbrook First Party was a major sponsor of Bolingbrook Pride, the first Gay Pride Event in Bolingbrook’s history.  The First Party for Bolingbrook nominated a man who refused to promote the event on his Bolingbrook events page until it was almost over.  Does nominating this man sound like something the Bolingbrook First party would do?”

The crowd yelled “no!”

A woman then yelled, “Actually—”

A Man in Black started to approach her.

“Never mind,” she said.

Oliver continued:

“Let’s talk about candidate Michael Carpanzano.  Did you know that when Michael was the Executive Director of the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce, he gave an award to (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz)?  That was back when Bob was on Roger’s good side.  Now that Roger doesn’t like Bob, Michael now doesn’t like Bob.  Community champion?  More like a suck-up to Roger champion.  That is not putting Bolingbrook first.  Uh oh.  I guess he’s going to block me.  Who hasn’t he blocked on Facebook?”

The crowd started chanting, “We will not be carped!”

She then mentioned First Party candidate Sheldon Watts:

“I know Sheldon loves to serve the community.  I hope someday he learns that serving Roger is not the same as serving Bolingbrook.”

Oliver admitted to her past affiliation with the Illuminati, but said she had learned from her mistake, and promised to “oppose the chaos they are inflicting on Bolingbrook.”

After concluding her speech, the public address system started playing Ministry’s song N.W.O.  She shook a few hands then stage dived and was crowd-surfed her around the auditorium.  When they returned her to the stage, she led a chant of “a new world order!”  When the chant ended, she said, “We supported Roger.  We’re not about to make that mistake again!”

Paulette, who asked that we not use her real name, said Oliver lifted her spirits:

“Between Trump and Roger, it’s been a hard two years for the Bolingbrook members of the N.W.O.  Now that we’ve liberated the Bolingbrook First party from Roger, I’m hopeful again.  We will reclaim Bolingbrook.  E Pluribus Unum!”

Before the rally, the crowd was entertained by a garbage toter drill team and a warm-up speech by current DuPage Township Supervisor William Mayer.

“Roger sicced the dogs of Edgar County on our township.  When Maripat is elected, they will follower her to the village board meetings.  Let’s see how Roger feels when they scrutinize how his board conducts business.”

The First Party for Bolingbrook sent out the following statement following the rally:  “Sometimes we call ourselves Bolingbrook First. Sometimes we call ourselves the First Party.  We will always call ourselves the party of Mayor Roger Claar.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives Russian snow and rain attack
UFO traffic up at Clow UFO Base
Aliens spotted at Bolingbrook United fundraiser
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/5/18

Note:  This is a work of fiction.