The Roger Claar Party launches first attack ad against the First Party for Bolingbrook (Fiction)

The Roger Claar Party, which is not affiliated with Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, launched the first attack ad of 2019 campaign.  The ad accuses Claar’s official political party, now called First Party for Bolingbrook, of being disloyal to Claar.

The ad accuses the First Party’s current trustees of voting with Bolingbrook United Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz 99% of the time.  The ad also uses the party’s name in the last election, Bolingbrook First.

“Voters need to know the truth,” said David Nelson, chairman of the Roger Claar party.  “(First Party for Bolingbrook) would rather vote with the Anti-Roger, then support the greatest Mayor in Bolingbrook’s history.  

Charlene Spencer, Covert Social Media Operative for the First Party, says the percentage is correct but disputes the Roger Claar Party’s interpretation:

“We prefer to think that Bob votes with us 99% of the time,” said Spencer.  “It’s like an old TV show my grandparents used to watch.  In Bolingbrook, the First Party controls the horizontal and the vertical.  Bob’s just along for the ride.”

An anonymous source within Bolingbrook United denied that Bolingbrook United is working with the First Party:

“Only a Roger Claar fanatic would believe we’re in league with his party.  What this ad fails to take into account is that Bob has tried to put items on the agenda, but Roger refuses to put them on.  If Roger let the village board vote on Bob’s items, you would see the real contrast between us.”

The source also agreed that Jaskiewicz has voted with the other trustees close to 99% of the time:

“Most of the agenda items involve paying bills and mundane business necessary to keep the village running.  We’re not an obstructionist party.  Instead, we’ve tried to get our issues heard, despite Roger’s efforts to silence us.  We were responsible for the public forum on garbage toters.  We pressured Roger into sending a letter to Springfield urging the state to create sensible gun laws.  Bolingbrook United provides a voice to the residents who are not part of Roger’s political machine, no matter what he names it.”

Nelson insisted that Bolingbrook United and the First Party for Bolingbrook are working together:

“Jaime Olson runs the Bolingbrook Events Facebook group.  (First Party Trustee candidate Michael Carpanzano) runs the Bolingbrook Events Facebook page.  Tell me that’s not evidence of coordination.”

The source insisted it wasn’t:

“Jaime started the Facebook group first.  Michael later started the Facebook page with the exact name without asking her.  As far as I’m concerned, he stole the idea from Jaime.  I could say more about him, but it would be unprintable.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not respond to the ad:

“Don’t you think if there really was a Roger Claar Party, that its members would have been jailed for electoral fraud years ago?”

In the background of the video chat, Spencer and a man who resembled Carpanzano walked into view.

“I don’t need your social media team,” said the man.  “If Facebook didn’t want us to block people, they wouldn’t have created the block button.”

Charlene replied:  “For normal people, yes.  But you’re a politician now.  Politicians have to at least pretend to be interested in what all their constituents have to say.  You might be able to block them, but you can’t block them offline—”

“Charlene, you may be smart, but you are young and naive.  You are talking to the man who passed off a tax increase as a tax cut.  Watch and learn.”

The man walked up to a woman.

“You must be Diane Kloepfer,” said the man.

“Yes.  You must know me from my posts in Bolingbrook Politics.”

“I know you as the woman who talked about running for office without Roger’s permission.”

The man pulled a rubber carp from his coat pocket, then held it up to her face.  A few moments later, he lowered the rubber fish and walked away.

“This is going to be a long campaign,” said Kloepfer.  

“Yes, it will be,” replied Charlene.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives Russian snow attack
New World Order takes over the Bolingbrook First party
Babbler announces the opening of the Palatine bureau.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/30/18

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Just asking questions about Thanksgiving (Fiction)

We hope all our readers will enjoy celebrating or protesting this Thanksgiving holiday season.  We’re giving our staff the rest of this week off, and leave all of you with this video by columnist Dale Onofrey.  He’s just asking questions about the official history of Thanksgiving.

Note:  This is a work of fiction.

Mayor Claar leads delegation to Bolingbrook’s sister planet (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Mayor Roger Claar visited Bolingbrook’s sister planet, Bogingabook, to mark the twentieth anniversary of their sisterhood agreement.

Crystal alien addressing an audience.

File photo of a resident of Bolingbrook’s sister planet.

“When I first heard that there was a planet with a name similar to Bolingbrook,” said Claar to the interstellar press corps, “It was as if the universe was telling me to make them a sister community to Bolingbrook.”

Claar also told the press that neither tax dollars, nor the village’s covert funds, were used to pay for the trip:  “I used my interstellar campaign fund to pay for this delegation.  There are constituents on this planet that I’d like to meet, and we have other campaign business to conduct…And no, it does not involve abducting residents and brainwashing them into voting for the Bolingbrook First Party!”

Trustee Sheldon Watts, who is running for reelection in 2019, recorded part of a campaign ad on Bogingabook:

“I love STEM and I love Bolingbrook,” said Watts, reading his lines.  “Not only was I mentored by Leroy Brown, but I’m also a nice guy.  I deserve your vote for Trustee in this election, and I am determined to do whatever it takes to make you vote for me.  I might even host a surprise event at your favorite restaurant, or canvass your home.  Whatever it takes to win, I will do, because this nice guy doesn’t believe in finishing last.”

Trustee Deresa Hoogland read Bolingbrook’s community announcements before an excited audience of 100,000 fans.

“You are the best silicon-based beings I have ever had the pleasure of reading to,” said Hoogland.  After minutes of cheering, she announced that she was not running for re-election.  “I understand that my true calling in life is to tour the Milky Way and read announcements. I love all of you!”

“We love you too,” replied one audience member.  “In a non-mating way!”

The delegation also visited a reception with the political leaders of Bogingabook.  While leaders and delegation members gave speeches full of pleasantries, there was some tension when Claar introduced himself to the son of Bogingabook’s former ambassador, Conlosi:

“Hello,” Claar said to Conlosi.  “Did you know that your father plagiarized Star Trek when he called my residents ‘ugly bags of water?’”

“It’s not plagiarism if it is a statement of fact,” replied Conlosi.  Humans are up to 60% water and are undeniably ugly to us.  Besides, did you know that your offspring insulted my father?”

“My daughter didn’t insult your father,” replied Claar.  “She objectively pointed out that your father’s crystal brain was pretty, and I still agree with her.”

“If my father were still alive,” said Conlosi, “He would try to kill you for saying that.  Fortunately for you, my culture underwent a great gender revolution, and we are no longer obsessed with our reproductive appendages.  So I will make you feel better by imitating the sound that you call laughter.”

“Actually,” said Claar.  “I would feel more at ease if I made a small donation to your favorite interstellar charity.”

Claar then transferred credits to the charity.

“Where are your other trustee candidates,” asked Conlosi.

“They’re still getting their security clearances from the Illuminati.  It’s an expensive process, but we’ll work it out in the end.”

“Impressive!  You had a great expense but still donated money to my charity.  I must repay you by making a large donation to your interstellar campaign fund.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But I insist.”

Claar accepted the donation.  Later he spoke with Watts:  “Sheldon, sisters communities are just like real sisters.  Some days they want to kill you.  Other days they love you as if you mean the world to them.”

Also in the Babbler:

Residents concerned as Venus citizens buy Bolingbrook homes
Palatine’s Mayor still in the dark about new UFO Base
Claar begs President Trump not to impose tariffs on Interstellar Commonwealth
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/22/18

Has it really been twenty years? (Non-fiction)

Twenty years ago this month, I was renting a basement room in Bolingbrook, not far from Mayor Roger Claar’s home. At some point during the evening, I wondered what writing a Weekly World News style tabloid would be like. So I wrote a story, added some HTML tags, and uploaded it to my personal web page. 

Bolingbrook Babbler 1999

Despite what a certain podcaster believes, the Babbler really does date back to the 1990s.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had written the first story of what would become the Bolingbrook Babbler and the start of the most extended writing project of my life. In the fifteen years I’ve actively been publishing, my stories have been praised by a Congressman, Bolingbrook politicians, and residents in the western suburbs.  Being accepted into the Freethought Blogs network was a great honor and a reflection on my stories.

When I started writing the Babbler, two of my interests were secular issues and speaking up about Roger’s near-total rule of Bolingbrook.

I became active in the skeptical and atheist movement and gained some notoriety. Some of my heroes at the time, including James Randi, praised my work.  When the great rifts started, I was surprised to learn that many of the people I had admired in the skepticism had views I found abhorrent. I may have lost some readers when I drifted away from the community, but I rediscovered humanism.  Once I was mildly critical of PZ Myers.  Now I’m proud to be a part of the network he helped create.   

Roger is still the Mayor of Bolingbrook, but now a member of the opposition party sits on the Village Board, and the Bolingbrook United party will be running a full slate in the April elections.  Bolingbrook residents finally have a choice at the ballot box for local elections.  Over the years, I’ve had some friendly meetings with Roger and some tense ones.  I’ve also received a couple of midnight emails from him.  I recall looking at my analytics program and realizing that someone from the Village Hall network went through almost every page of the Babbler.  (Somehow, a person from California managed to access the village network to view my pages.)  Today, I think we’ve learned to co-exist.  Still, the memory I will have of him is from a speech he made after winning a recent election by roughly 150 votes.  He divided Bolingbrook’s voters into “residents” and “foes.”  Instead of choosing to heal the wounds from that election, he sought to delegitimize his opponents.

It’s been an adventure, and I suspect there are more adventures ahead.  President Trump and his fellow authoritarians are threatening the pillars of our government. They are going so far as trying to delegitimize the last election.  The next election in Bolingbrook could be between those who want to be the next Roger Claar and those who wish to end one-party rule altogether.  Plus, there are lots of stories going on in Chicagoland, not just Bolingbrook.

I also want to thank my wife, who wishes to remain anonymous on these pages, for her help, her support, and for putting up with my writing schedule.  I love her, and we make a great team.

To my fans, old and new, I say thank you for your support, and I hope to keep writing the Babbler for at least another twenty years.  Although I may no longer live in Bolingbrook, I feel like part of me never left.

William Brinkman
The real person behind the Bolingbrook Babbler

Web Exclusive: ‘Where’s my (expletive deleted) coup?’: A Babbler post-election special report (Fiction)

The following stories are from our team of reporters covering the 2018 mid-term elections:

Illuminati forsakes Mayor Roger Claar

When the Illuminati’s expected coup didn’t happen on election night, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar called the Illuminati’s Inner Circle during his watch party.

“Where’s my (expletive deleted) coup?” Claar yelled.  “You promised me a coup, and I promised Alyssia Benford she would be appointed to the emergency Illinois legislature!  What do you mean you canceled it?”

According to sources within the Illuminati, the Inner Circle canceled their coup plans due to resistance from the New World Order, and the belief that they could create more chaos with a Democratic-controlled House and a Republican-controlled Senate.

“We like Roger,” said an Illuminati leader who asked remain anonymous.  “He did give us Clow UFO Base.  However, we’re not in the business of rewarding our allies.  We’re in the business of creating global chaos that we can exploit.  The voters in the United States presented us with an opportunity, and we decided to exploit it.”

Other Illuminati leaders agreed and added that they were delighted with Benford’s efforts to disrupt the DuPage Township.

“She does have a future in the Illuminati,” said another anonymous leader.  “Maybe after she finishes destroying the Township we can find a new opportunity for her.  As for Roger, we think this election will provide him with plenty of opportunities to slam Democrats.  He should be happy that he can now attack the County Clerk, Treasurer, and Sheriff as well as Commissioner Jackie Traynere.”

Benford refused to be interviewed unless she wrote the article.  The Babbler rejected her request.

This reporter also heard one of Claar’s allies offer a solution to the Republican’s losses in Will County:

“The Republicans have held the Clerk’s office for 80 years.  Therefore we still hold the office and (County Clerk-elect Lauren Staley-Ferry) is trying to steal it—”

“Shut-up!” snapped Claar.  “And learn about the Genetic Fallacy!

Aliens celebrate Sean Casten’s US House victory

by Reporter X

Sounds of joy filled Clow UFO Base’s stadium as Sean Casten, a former employee, defeated Rep. Peter Roskam in the Illinois Sixth Congressional Race.  

“I remember when Sean was a quiet biochemist,” said Xop Logot from Komat Empire.  “Now he’s an outgoing leader of humans.  He’s come a long way.  Now I hope he can save Earth from runaway global warming.”

Casten later addressed the aliens via teleconference:  “I hope my victory shows the Interstellar Commonwealth that there are good people on this planet who want to fight for the future of our species.  I didn’t run for Congress just so I could hang out with all of you.  I ran so I could fix our country’s problems, and help humanity become worthy of full membership.  My work has just started.”

Casten then led the aliens in singing “Thunder Road” by Bruce Springsteen.

A spokesperson for Roskam said he was unavailable for comment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Roskam cried: “Map!  My beautiful gerrymandered map.  I loved you, and you betrayed me!  Holly whatshername seduced you, didn’t she?”

Naperville Police prevent Election Day Riots

Sources within the Naperville Police Department say that they turned around buses filled with alleged  Brookes Brothers rioters.”

“We know the DuPage Election Commission stinks,” said an officer who asked that we not use her name.  “The last thing we need is a bunch of rich men from out of state invading our county.”

Organizers of the bus insisted that they weren’t rioters but were “aggressive poll watchers” who couldn’t believe that Lauren Underwood had a chance to win the election.

“I told them we would find out tonight,” said the officer.  “But rioting wasn’t going to help.  Turns out she won fair and square.  It’s weird that all of Naperville’s Congressional representatives are Democrats.  I guess that’s what the voters want.”

A spokesperson for Underwood pointed out that Underwood grew up in Naperville and denounced the rioter assumptions.  “We’re Naperville.  We have a reputation to uphold, and Lauren is part of that reputation!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction.

The election of our discontent: Our readers speak out (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

Election season is almost over with, and this one will probably go down as one of the most important in US history.  Will a blue wave of liberalism sweep over the country, or will a red tide of fascism rise up?  You, the readers, will decide.  We’ve mostly been getting generic form letters from supporters of each candidate, but I found a few original ones worthy of being published:

To the Editor:

#Blexit is dishonest and old school.  Kanye West has shown me the true path to liberation: #Yeexit!

What does #Yeexit mean to me?  It means not supporting a political party just because one of them passed the Civil Rights Act over 50 years ago, or because the other freed the slaves over 150 years ago.  It asking what each party will do for blacks.  It also means looking at each candidate’s positions and their current conduct.  

#Yeexit has a simple message for politicians of all parties:  Don’t take us for granted.  Earn our vote, now!

Claude Z. Washington
Bolingbrook, IL

That’s good advice for everyone.

For some reason, we’ve been getting some suspicious letters from the Sixth Congressional District.  Here’s the most interesting one.

To the editor:

I’m a tax-loving pansexual transgender Hillary Clinton Democrat who believes global warming is real because it was hot last summer.

I won’t be voting for Sean Casten because he denied five women the opportunity to run for Congress!  I’ve also conducted my own research on the Internet, and I keep seeing the word “Stupid” pop up.  He makes me mad!

He also said he admires a man who refuses to date women!  How hateful is that?

Peter Roskam once said he supported the Violence Against Women Act.  That’s good enough for me!

I also heard that there will be many liberals voting for Peter Roskam and that will include #metoo!

Insert Female Name here
Don’t use Wheaton, IL
Don’t send until approved by Peter.

Oops.  

For the record, all the women who ran against Casten later endorsed him.  We’ve even heard that some are campaigning for him in the general election.  He admires Dan Savage for creating the “It Gets Better” campaign.  Savage won’t date women because he’s gay.  Congressman Peter Roskam voted for the Violence Against Woman Act before he voted against it.  I guess he’s from the John Kerry school of voting.  Lastly, Casten has undergraduate degrees in molecular biology and biochemistry.  He also has a masters’ degree in both engineering management and biochemical engineering.  So pardon me if I doubt the Koch Brother’s description of Casten.

Closer to home, we also have quite a few people commenting about the Bolingbrook Park District’s referendum.  First the Yes side:

To the Editor:  

Did you know in this election, you can vote to give the Park District more money, and to lower your taxes at the same time?  Is it magic?  Is it an act of God?  Who cares!  I urge all voters to put the Bolingbrook Park District first and vote yes on the Park District Referendum.

Mitchel Troutkowski
Bolingbrook, IL

Now the No side:

To the Editor:

The Bolingbrook Park District has sunk to a new low in their effort to sneak their new tax increase by us.  I was going to put up some yard signs opposing the next tax, but then I saw someone had beaten me to it.  So I decided not to make the signs.  Then one day I decided to go to the URL on the No signs.  The website is actually for the Yes side!

This is evil.  Residents should be enjoying the full savings from the Park District paying off a bond.  Instead, the Park District is sneaking in a new tax and hoping we don’t notice it because our tax bill will drop slightly.  

Don’t be fooled!  This is a tax increase, and taxes are evil!  Resist evil.  Vote no and unite against the Bolingbrook Park District.

Sam Z. Peterseim
Bolingbrook, IL

This is almost as fun as reading the Bolingbrook Politics on Facebook.  Seriously, it comes down to this: Do homeowners want to save a little money, or do they want to save a lot of money?  We will find out this week.

Remember:  Soldiers and activists died so you could vote.  Don’t waste their sacrifice.  Vote on November 6th.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar:  No plans to place armed citizens at polling places
Alien election observers arrive in Bolingbrook
Editorial: Lack of sex isn’t an excuse to kill people
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/7/18

Update on the GoFundMe campaign to defend against Richard Carrier’s lawsuit (Non-fiction)

Richard Carrier’s lawsuit against FTB and others is still ongoing.  Which unfortunately means our legal defense fund needs more money:

The lawsuit is ongoing. Stephanie’s second birthday since the lawsuit has come and gone — she was served on her birthday, did you know that? — and we’re still entrenched in the battle with little hope of quick resolution. As of a few days ago, all the money in this fund has been spent on our lawyers, and the legal bills we have at present total about $29,000. That means, sadly, I’m going to have to raise the fundraising goal again — to defray our personal costs and hopefully build a bit of a war chest against the ongoing suit.

I’m so very grateful to those of you who’ve shared and donated and posted words of encouragement, and I’m so very sorry that we keep having to spend money on this utterly unabashed attempt at silencing the critics of Richard Carrier, who’s admitted publicly to the behaviour we’d criticized and who persists in slandering the defendants publicly. I can only hope that the longer his lawsuit continues, the more word spreads of his actual character — one where he’d admit to not following a conference’s rules about solicitation of conference-goers, and then sue the people who might dare say that’s creepy.

And he calls himself a feminist and a free speech advocate.

We need your help to stay afloat and weather this blatant use of the legal system to silence criticism of an entitled white man who feels his honour is besmirched.

Please help, if you can. If you’ve already donated, thank you so much — please spread the word.

More details can be found on the GoFundMe page.