Web Exclusive Editorial: Really Roger? (Mixed)

From the Babbler Editorial Board:

Nowadays, there is always someone posting live commentary on social media during public events.  It should be common knowledge, but apparently, Mayor Roger Claar isn’t aware of this.

During the July 10 Village Board meeting, Jason Cann, the administrator of the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group, sat in the audience and posted his live commentary.  Others in the group joined in.  Near the end of the meeting, Claar looked out at Cann and said: “Mr. Cann, you’ve got all these questions and facts you’ve brought up on the Internet.  Why don’t you come up here and get the facts?”  When Cann declined to approach the podium, Claar then sarcastically addressed his questions and comments.

Setting aside the question of why Claar is browsing social media during a public meeting, we feel that his behavior was more than inappropriate. It seemed to us to be an intimidation attempt— Like a teacher calling a student up to the front of the class to embarrass them.  Board meetings are not classrooms, and Bolingbrook residents are not students.  Claar should know the difference,  as he has worked in both education and politics.

 It has been a rough month for Claar.  Between losing control of Clow UFO Base and a possible Russian weather attack against the All American Celebration, we can understand why he would be upset.  He must, however, know that he is a public servant and not the king of Bolingbrook.  

There are other ways Claar could have dealt with Cann.  We agree with Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz’s suggestion that Claar and Cann could have met in private to discuss their differences.  Claar could have presented his case on social media as well.  He has a Facebook account, an inactive Twitter account, and at least two Facebook groups that are allied with him.  Additionally, he could have addressed the comments without calling out Cann.

The value of an idea or the validity of a complaint isn’t based on whether or not it is presented in front of the entire Village Board.  Good ideas can come from Facebook posts, and bad ideas can come from elected officials.  Jaskiewicz is correct to believe that Roger’s behavior could discourage others from expressing their concerns or presenting their views.  We need more residents to be aware of what’s going on and to be more willing to offer their suggestions.

We don’t agree with everything Cann writes about the village, but we are glad that the Internet gives the people of Bolingbrook an opportunity to offer their views and suggestions about their community.  At times it’s not pretty — but its part of democracy and Bolingbrook could use more democracy.

Rochelle Reader: Rep. Roskam calls for nuking Bolingbrook during debate at UFO Base with Sean Casten (Fiction)

From time to time, we feature articles from our sister publications around the world.  This article is from the Rochelle Reader in Rochelle, IL.

By Reporter X

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

During an IL06 Congressional debate broadcast across the solar system, Representative Peter Roskam advocated nuking Bolingbrook. He called for this in response to the recent uprising at Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook:

“Nuke it from orbit,” said Roskam in front of his audience at Hub 35 UFO Base in Rochelle, IL.  “It’s the only way to be sure.”  He added that he saw the movie, The Thing.  “When dealing with aliens, you have to be absolutely sure that you kill every one of them: Otherwise you end up with bad sequels.”

The audience, consisting of constituents who work either off-world or at UFO bases, gasped.

Sean Casten, Roskam’s Democratic opponent, dropped his jaw.  After a few seconds of silence, he attacked Roskam:  “You just seriously advocated for detonating a nuclear device in the middle of Chicagoland?”

“This is Sean being an extremist,” interrupted Roskam. “Sean is saying we shouldn’t use any nuclear weapons, and let our world be overrun by aliens.  Now I’m sure some of my colleagues would argue for using a hydrogen bomb to destroy all of Chicago.  Both sides are wrong.  We should take the moderate position of using a small device and checking the wind patterns before setting it off.  That will ensure that no real resident of the Illinois Sixth Congressional District is harmed.  We need sensible solutions, and I’m the only candidate in this race that will provide them.”

“People will still be killed, and the fallout will leave many areas uninhabitable for generations.  You’re in the middle of something,  but I don’t think it’s the middle of the Overton Window.”

“Lighten up,” replied Roskam.  “This is a science fiction convention.  Everyone here knows that the best part of a science fiction film is when the hero creatively uses explosives to solve a problem. Also, as a Congressman, you don’t think about other districts.  You only think about the interests of the ideal voter in your district.”

Casten then accused Roskam of having a  “deliberate ignorance” about the existence of UFOs, and of current federal interstellar policy:  “Peter, you know that as a member of Congress, you can attend the weekly UFO briefing.  Yet you have never attended any briefings.”

“What briefings?”

“They occur during the meeting of the House Appropriations Sub-subcommittee on Nail and Thumbtack Spending.”

“I can’t make those meetings.  That’s when I spend quality time alone with my maps.”

During the closing arguments, Casten stated that he didn’t agree with the takeover of Clow UFO Base, but did agree with the protesters that the US needs to change its immigration policies.  “I have a seven-point plan to reform immigration, and I will vote for the DREAM Act because the DACA recipients in our district are hard working and deserve a path to citizenship.”

Roskam then made science fiction, and fantasy comments during his closing statement:  “Like Jedi Spock Frodo said, ‘I am the last best hope for peace with Panem.’  The real residents know that I will bring Soylent Green to our district.  A congressman has a name, and it is Peter Roskam!” He then laughed.

Joel, a resident of this district who works on Venus, said he was still undecided: “On the one hand, Peter Roskam removed SALT— which means I can’t deduct the taxes I paid on Venus-which may mean I can’t afford to work off-world.  Do you know how expensive air conditioning is on Venus?  On the other hand, Sean did say that Peter shouldn’t be our congressman, which is kind of uncivil.  It’s a hard choice to make.  Sean is a scientist, a businessperson, and a former Clow employee.  Peter is Peter.  What can I say?”

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs released a statement after the debate: “Bolingbrook is in no danger because the Bolingbrook First party donated $1000 to Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign.  He’s just saying what he needs to say to get elected.  We’re sure that once he is reelected, he will vote the way his donors want him to vote.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russian bots attack Bolingbrook Facebook groups
Aliens release immigrant children from Clow UFO Base
Bolingbrook United says it will only run human candidates
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/13/18

Web Exclusive: Space Force defeated by Bolingbrook’s fireworks (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The US Space Force’s first operation ended in disaster over Bolingbrook. A space glider was struck by fireworks during Bolingbrook’s All American Celebration. Fifty space marines were injured when the shuttle crashed in the backyard of a Farmstead Lane residence.

Judith, who asked that we not use her real name, saw the shuttle crash:  “A bunch of colorful fireworks went off, then I saw a blue flash and heard a loud boom.  Then I saw a fiery streak in the sky.  I thought maybe a firework hit a drone.  Then I realized that it was moving towards my neighborhood, and it was much bigger than a drone.”

Bob, who also asked that we not use his real name, said the shuttle crashed in his neighbor’s backyard:  “I heard a loud boom, which wasn’t unusual for the day.  My kitchen windows shattering, that was unusual.  I ran outside and saw this black space shuttle lying in a crater.  At first, I wondered if it was a Space ISIS craft, then I saw the words ‘USSF Trump’ printed on the side.  It was one of ours.”

According to anonymous sources within Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs, the US Space Force’s shuttle was transporting special forces soldiers. They were on a mission to recapture Clow UFO Base from alien protesters currently occupying the base.  The shuttle was supposed to land at Clow Airport but was diverted to the Bolingbrook Golf Club on orders from President Donald Trump.

“Apparently, Donald still remembers the fundraiser (Mayor Roger Claar) held for him there,” said one anonymous source.

Other sources described Mayor Roger Claar’s teleconference with Trump.  After wasting several minutes trying to provide the details of the accident, Claar tore off two pieces of paper from his notebook.  He wrote on the first piece of paper and held it up to the camera:.

“This is the number 50,” said Claar.

“That’s a good number,” replied Trump.

“That was the number of combat-ready troops at the start of this mission.”

“They’re killers.  All of them.”

Claar then wrote on the second piece of paper, then held it up to the camera.

“This is the number zero.”

“I like paying zero taxes.”

“Me too, but this is also the number of combat-ready troops after the mission.”

“I sent you over a thousand!  What happened to them?”

“I don’t know about the other 950, but I know 50 were taken out when you ordered their shuttle to fly into our fireworks display.  Why?  We secured a flight path to keep the shuttle away from the fireworks.”

“My generals said, ‘Sir!  We have to follow this flight path.’ I said the smart—”

“I don’t care!  Just send more troops.  Your mistake set my plans back a month!”

“I was going to send you a million troops, but you were uncivil to me.  I don’t make mistakes.  I’m smart.  Say that again, and you’ll face a primary challenge.”

“Yes.  I am still a Republican and I am obligated to support you no matter what you may say, do, or tweet.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes… Sir!”

“That’s better.  Now, move your golf club closer to the airport before my next fundraiser.  Did I tell you I’m going to be building a space wall and making the aliens pay for it?”

The soldiers are currently staying in a secret wing of Adventist Bolingbrook Hospital. They are expected to make a full recovery.

The White House released a statement saying they could not confirm nor deny the presence of military operatives in Bolingbrook.

Space aliens capture Clow UFO Base and demand fair treatment for immigrants (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs announced that it had evacuated all humans from Clow UFO Base.  The move follows a week of protests by aliens against US Immigration policy, some of which became violent.

“As a precautionary measure, we have closed Clow UFO Base and sealed the access points,” said spokesperson Joan Armstrong.  “Clow Airport is still open. There is no danger at this time to the residents of Bolingbrook.  Though some aliens are stealing supplies from the airport.”

Armstrong added that residents should prepare themselves for the possible declaration of a “state of minor annoyance,” but did not state what that would involve.

“If we told you, then you would tell everyone, including the foes of Bolingbrook.  We need to keep the foes of Bolingbrook off-guard.  We ask the residents to trust that (Mayor Roger Claar) will act in the best interest of the real residents of Bolingbrook.”

The Coalition for the Respectful Treatment of Sentient Beings, which claims to represent the protesters, released a statement claiming that they had full control of Clow UFO Base:  “This weekend, we stand in solidarity with the thousands of human protesters fighting for immigrant rights.  We, too, oppose the forced separation of families, and indefinite family detention.  Human leaders say they want to someday immigrate to our planets.  Our reply is simple.  Don’t immigrate to our worlds until you fix your immigration policies first.”

Claar refused to give an interview, but the Department of Interstellar Affairs did release the following statement from him:  “Invaders have disrupted operations at Clow UFO Base.  Even though the Interstellar Commonwealth and the Illuminati partially own Clow, it is ultimately my base!  I have nothing to do with US immigration policy or immigration policy in Hungary, Denmark or Italy. These are not innocent protesters.  These are operatives working under the direction of the New World Order, hostile interstellar powers, and the Bolingbrook United Party.  They will be defeated, and the Illuminati will help me to retake Clow.  All foes must show me complete civility by next week, or be destroyed! Ford!”

Armstrong also blamed Representative Bill Foster for the situation at Clow UFO Base:  “Representative Foster’s irresponsible statements regarding immigration have inspired the criminals responsible for the disruption of operations. We need more Congressmen likeRepresentativee Peter Roskam who will keep the government out of interstellar affairs.  His willful ignorance of the existence of aliens is refreshing, and we hope will inspire real Americans to build a Red Seawall to stop the Blue Wave!”

A spokesperson for Foster laughed before ending the call.

In a video chat, an intern for the Roskam campaign denied that the Congressman was willfully ignorant of aliens:  “Peter wants solutions to real problems.  Space aliens aren’t a real problem for the residents of the Sixth District.  In fact, Peter is about to talk to the third constituent he’s met during this campaign.  This is history!”

The camera then focused on Roskam knocking on a door.  A young woman opened the door.

“Hello,” said Roskam.  “I am Representative Peter Roskam, and I am running for re-election.  I love maps, and this map says you live in a Bernie Sanders Household.  Like Bernie, I don’t like the Clinton-controlled Democrat Party.  I too want to replace Obamacare.  Sean Casten supports Obamacare.  Don’t you think this means he’s a secret Crooked Hillary supporter?”

The woman turned her head inside and yelled, “Guess who finally showed up?”

Another woman walked up to the doorway.  “Peter,” she cried.  “You finally came!”

“Do I know you?”

“I’m Amanda Howland.  I ran against you in 2016.  Now that you’re here, we can finally have our debate!”

Roskam ran away and pulled out his cell phone.  Howland ran after him.

“You’re not getting out of our debate this time!”

Also in the Babbler:

Local super-villans celebrate the closure of Villains and Heroes Academy
Mayor Claar promises not to ban Internet comments about the board meetings
Sean Casten meets with paranormal believers in Palatine
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/6/18