Red Deer Reporter: US covert operatives spotted in the area! (Fiction)

From the Babbler:  This article is from our sister publication, the Red Deer Reporter. It’s based in Red Deer, Alberta, Canada.

Sightings of possible US covert operatives near Red Deer skyrocketed following the disastrous G-7 summit.

Josephine, who asked that we not use her last name, described her encounter with one:  “I was sitting in my favorite bar when this weird man walked up to me and sat next to me without my permission.  He said he was a member of the ‘Wild Alberta’ party, but they weren’t going far enough.  He wondered if I thought that the US should invade Alberta so (President Trump) could make it great again.  I told him that invasions kill poor people to make rich people richer.  I also told him that I used to be a member of the United Conservative Party, but then I started reading Against the Grain and the  Reprobate Spreadsheet.  Now I am a much better person. He left.  Come to think of it, he did have an odd accent.”

Paul, who asked that we not use his real name, said a tractor-trailer truck pulled up next to him.  The driver stepped out and offered Paul an assault rifle.  Paul declined:  “I have enough guns.  The driver said that he was going to help ‘Texas North’ resist the ‘French Occupational Government.’  He asked if I would take up arms to defend the English Language.  I said people from Quebec are fine, but I would take up arms against the United States.  They steal our cheap medicine and demand that we say ‘eh’ for their amusement.  I would love to plunder their shale oil so Alberta could control the global market.  The driver took the gun away and left without saying goodbye.  How rude.”

Dena Z. Franson claims she encountered a sniper on her ranch:  “I saw this fake cow in my field.  Figuring it was a joke, I decided to approach it and throw it out.  When a got about a meter away, a man inside said, ‘Moo.  La moo.’  I stopped, and he said it again.  Then he said, ‘I am a Canadian cow.  Moo!  La Moo!’  I said that it is a balmy 15 C degrees outside, and he might overheat inside that fake cow.  That’s when I saw a rifle barrel come out of the cow’s mouth.  He used some unpleasant language before saying, “I’m here to make America again, and I’ll shoot any Canadian who refuses to submit to our President.  La Great!  La Shoot!  La Kill!  La Trump!’  I ran away.”

Police and Royal Canadian Mounted Police officials said they were not aware of any US military presence near Red Deer.  They did suggest that if any resident encounters US operatives, they should run to safety and call 911.

Also in the Red Deer Reporter:

Space alien criminals spotted near Red Deer
US mayor complains about people complaining
Picture of James Randi fails to cure a local woman of her allergies
God to spare Red Deer on 14/6/18

From the Webmaster: Why we need events like the Bolingbrook Pride Picnic (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Rainbow Flag

Image from the Bolingbrook Pride page.

On the eve of the Bolingbrook Pride Picnic and Puppies event, I’d thought I should point out this article from fellow Freethought member Trav Mamone:

It’s Pride Month. A time to celebrate all things queer and trans, remember those who lost their lives in the struggle for human rights, and explain—again—to straight people why there’s no Straight Pride Month. This false equivalency boils down to the common misconception that LGBTQ people like myself are celebrating something we didn’t achieve through hard work, like being born with a certain sexual orientation or gender identity. What people fail to realize is we’re celebrating something we achieved: all the accomplishments the LGBTQ rights movement has made so far, and that we choose to love ourselves in the face of bigotry.

You can read the rest here.

As Mamone also points out, there is still more work to be.  Last year Sarah Sanders said the administration believed that business have the right to refuse service to gays.  President Donald Trump is currently trying to ban transgender individuals from serving in the military. Kansas and Oklahoma now allow adoption agencies that receive taxpayer money to deny adoptions to gays for religious reasons.  In Illinois, Jeanne Ives almost won the primary race for Governor despite running a flagrantly transphobic ad.

So tomorrow, let’s celebrate the first Pride event in Bolingbrook.  It is a significant milestone that should be celebrated.  Let’s also remember that there’s more to be done and that the progress that’s been made still needs to be defended.

Web Exclusive: Roskam campaign accuses Sean Casten of being a space alien (Fiction)

Anonymous members of Representative Peter Roskam’s election campaign are spreading rumors that his opponent, Sean Casten, is a space alien.

The Roskam campaign claims this photo is proof that his opponent, Sean Casten, is an alien.

“There’s something not right about Sean,” said one source.  “He sounds smart, but he’s too smart.  Like, a highly intelligent alien pretending to be a human.”

“Exactly,” added an anonymous campaign member.  “Rock musician?  Scientist?  Father?  Business leader?  Athlete? Doesn’t it all seem too good to be true?  Like an alien pretending to be the perfect political candidate?”

When asked for evidence that Casten is an alien, they produced an “enhanced photo” of Casten taken at a candidates forum in Palatine, IL.

James, who asked that we not use his last name, or state his position in the Roskam campaign, conceded that the photo was weak evidence:  “But if you combine this photo with our questions, enough people might believe he’s a space alien.  The rabble, I mean the voters, will turn against Sean, and we’ll win!”

Brian Z. Buckman, A spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, said their investigations back in 2007 prove Casten is human:  “While you can’t prove a negative, we were able to confirm his birth on Earth, his human physiology and his educational background.  The background information on Sean’s website is correct, except he doesn’t mention the years he worked at Clow UFO Base.  I can say that he had excellent employee evaluation scores, but that is all I can say.”

Another member of the Roskam campaign, who asked to be called Anne, said charges are based on “political reality,” and not on “science-based facts.”

“You have to look at where we stand.  The good news is most people in the Illinois Sixth Congressional District are familiar with Peter.  The bad news is most of those same people hate him.  Fortunately, the rabble —I mean voters— know very little about Sean.  So Peter’s ordered us to throw everything at him.  Not just the kitchen sink, but the plumbing too.  That’s why we’re trying to create a political reality in which Sean is a space alien.  It might cost him votes, and those votes could be the key to our victory.”

Anne said the “enhanced photo” of Casten will be distributed to paranormal websites, and to InfoWars sometime next week.

A phone call to the Casten campaign was answered by a staff member.  “Alien?  Sean is talking to an IL06 resident and doesn’t have time for your nonsense.”

In the background, a man said, “Who cares if the planet dies?  I only care about making my business profitable.”

A man who sounded like Casten said, “You do realize there are no profitable companies on a dead planet?”

The other man paused, then said, “I never thought of it that way.”

A call to the Roskam campaign was also answered by a staff member.  “If people want to believe Mr. Casten is an illegal liberal space alien, we won’t stop them.”

In the background, Roskam said, “Hi.  I’m Representative Peter Roskam.”

“Roskam?  You’re the one who keeps interrupting my family dinners with your ‘phone-in’ town hall meetings.”

“I’m better known as the leader who cut your federal taxes.”

“You wrote that plan?  Thanks to you, I can no longer deduct state and local taxes, and your plan threatens Social Security and Medicare.”

“You’re welcome.  Anyway, I’ve selected your household to be the only one I visit this year.  You should be honored to be the only commoner I will talk to this election cycle.  I want to hear the thoughts of a real American like you.”

“Here’s what I think.”

This was followed by the sound of a slamming door. 

Aliens to offer free UFO rides at the first Bolingbrook Pride Picnic (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Some attendees of the Bolingbrook Pride Picnic on June 10 will get a free UFO ride.

Rainbow Flag

Image from the Bolingbrook Pride page.

“It’s about time Bolingbrook had a pride event,” said Oxlogot, who is donating her spacecraft for the event.  “I thought the least I could do was make the first event special.”

Oxlogot added that she was disappointed that the Department of Interstellar Affairs wasn’t supporting the Pride event:  “You would think the Village employees would want to show the galaxy that they support and celebrate all sexualities.  Instead, they’re working on promotional tie-ins for the Bolingbrook Pet Parade.  The department may not wish to recognize the triumphs and struggles of Bolingbrook’s LGBTQA+ community, but I, along with many other visitors, do recognize them. We also appreciate all they bring to Bolingbrook and Clow.”

According to Oxlogot, attendees will be randomly selected for the UFO rides.  The ride will include a flyover of Clow UFO Base, and a trip to the far side of the moon: “They’ll only be gone from the picnic for five minutes.  All minors will be accompanied by their parents.  It’ll be fun, and I’m allowed to let my passengers remember the trip.”

An official from the Department of Interstellar Affairs defended the decision not to participate in the Pride Picnic: “Any visitor with the proper paperwork can attend the picnic.  Right now, our main focus is making preparations to celebrate Flag Day.  The village has never recognized Pride Month.  Why should this department be the exception?”

Oxlogot and her crew will also assist with security at the picnic:  “I know Clow bans interstellar Nazis, but many are sneaking into Bolingbrook so they can help Arthur Jones’s congressional campaign.  My crew will make sure they stay far away from the picnic.  The only thing people should worry about is how much time they’ll get to spend with the puppies.”

When asked to comment, a Bolingbrook Pride committee member laughed and hung up.

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he was attending a critical briefing and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “So, Charlene, if I go to this picnic, what should I say?”

“You should say that it doesn’t matter who Bolingbrook residents love— Just as long as there’s a place in their hearts for you, Roger.  Isn’t that what living in Bolingbrook is really about?”

Also in the Babbler:

Melania Trump spotted at Clow UFO Base
Claar accused of using hypnosis to secure political donations
Russian internet troll disqualified from running for Will County Board
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/9/18

Web Exclusive: Village of Bolingbrook posts cryptic videos on its webpage (Fiction)

The Village of Bolingbrook stunned residents by replacing the streaming video and archives of Bolingbrook Community Television on its webpage with cryptic videos. The IT department and BCTV refused to comment on the changes.

Images of three videos on the Village of Bolingbrook web site.

Do these videos on the Bolingbrook website have a hidden meaning? Some residents say they do. 

“This is an evil attempt to force residents to buy cable TV,” said Joan Z. Miller.  “I’m sorry, but I refuse to subsidize an expensive dinosaur corporation just so I can watch village meetings.  I used to love (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar), but not after this!”

Another viewer, who asked to be called Jeb, agrees: “When I’m sitting in front of the TV, I don’t want to watch a government meeting, I want to be entertained.  However, when I’m walking along the DuPage River Greenway Trail, I like to listen to the Village Board meeting.  It was so relaxing to hear (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz) notice things the other trustees missed. Now Roger has taken that pleasure away from me!”

Currently, there are three videos on the village website.  The first is titled Testing, and it shows a performance by the Bolingbrook Community Chorus.  The second is titled 2018 CP Game 03 WhiteSox vs RedSox, but shows a Valley View 365U School Board meeting, a weather map, and an adult flag football game.  The third video is titled Village of Bolingbrook Memorial Day Ceremony, but shows 18 minutes of a Village Board meeting.  A fourth video, now taken down, showed marathon runners crossing a finish line.

Steve, who asked that we not use his last name, believes the videos contain an ominous message:  “These videos are a warning from the Bolingbrook Police Department.  They’re planning a coup against Roger. They want to take all the tax money and put it in the pension fund.  You have to put the videos in the right order to see this.  First, the officers plan on killing the Village Board.  Then the chorus will perform at their funeral.  Then they’ll distract us with sporting events as they steal our tax funds.  So if you know what’s best for you, you’ll run away from Bolingbrook.  The message is obvious— Unless you’re a sheeple!”

Blake, who also asked that we not use his last name, has another interpretation:  “Roger knows that the Second Coming is about to happen, but the liberal media won’t let him warn us.  So he’s using these videos to tell us.  The Chorus’ performance is praising God.  The liberal educators are clueless as the storm is coming.  Flag Football is symbolic of the coming challenges the Antichrist will impose on us.  All the Village Board members will be raptured.  So if you want to be saved, you need to run towards Jesus!”

Mayor Claar could not be reached for comment.  His receptionist said there is nothing mysterious about the videos:  “They’re switching steaming software, and they have to go back and recode the old videos before they can be put back online.  Everything, including the streaming video, should be back up soon.  Just between you and me, I think the new system still needs work.”

A man who sounded like Claar said, “BCTV, schedule a marathon of shows featuring my favorite woman.”

“Scheduling the Jackie Traynere Marathon,” replied a digital female voice.

“What?  Why do you think I like Jackie Traynere?”

“You said your favorite woman was ‘Jackie Traynere No Just Kidding It’s Actually My Wife.’  The closest match is Jackie Traynere.”

“You (expletive deleted) suck!”

“I am Bolingbrook Community Television’s Digital Assistant.  I am a part of BCTV.  BCTV is a part of Bolingbrook.  Mayor Roger Claar is Bolingbrook.  Any obscenities directed at me are directed at Roger.”