Could the Village of Bolingbrook start rewarding residents for “socially acceptable behaviors,” and punishing them for “anti-social behaviors?”  

Sources, who have relatives with friends in Village Hall, say Bolingbrook could have its own version of China’s social credit system by next year.

“Just like China,” said one source.  “We have to deal with a lot of negativity and anti-social behaviors in our community.  By implementing a system similar to the one China is working on, we can improve our community and the quality of our residents.”

Under the proposed system, each resident will receive a social credit score.  Residents can increase their scores by various means, including volunteering for “approved organizations,” receiving an award from the village, posting “appropriate content” on the Village and Bolingbrook First Facebook pages, and receiving special recognization from Mayor Roger Claar.

Residents who have high social credit scores will receive exclusive perks.  Proposed perks could include access to an express line for village services, an exemption during a property tax assessment, extended book loans from the library, and discounts at “featured businesses.”

Points can also be lost for various actions, including traffic violations, major crimes, patronizing “questionable local businesses,” and visiting “negative social media pages.”  Unlike China’s system, there’s no penalty for DUI charges.

“Why should we treat a resident who frequents Advantage Chevrolet the same as a resident who frequents Giamanco Law Partners?” said another source.  “One does business with the village and Roger.  The other sues Roger’s favorite township.”

A woman who claimed to be a spokesperson for the opposition Bolingbrook United Party denounced the proposed plan.  “If, and that’s a big if, what you’re saying is true, then Roger and his trustees are going too far.  We are a democracy. This sounds like the most undemocratic thing that could happen to Bolingbrook since Roger installed one-party rule!”

The second source laughed.  “We are a republic, not a democracy.  In the Trump era, Roger can do anything he wants to as long as he doesn’t go against the wishes of Governor Rauner or our President!  If Roger wants to use this scoring system to bring peace and unity to our village, he will.”

A receptionist for Claar denied any plans to implement a social credit system, then added that he was in a critical meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like advisor Charlene Z. Spencer said, “Are you sure you don’t want to go to the Bolingbrook Pride event?  You could score some political points, and you know how to deal with hostile residents.”

A man who sounded like Claar replied, “I can’t go because I said Mike Pence would be an outstanding Vice-president.”

“Oh boy!  I see your point.  Well, we can still make this work.  The trustees and you can show up at the site the day before, and I’ll take pictures.  Then I’ll take pictures of the event and Photoshop all of you into them.  No one will know the difference, and the best part is, you won’t have to worry about using the wrong pronoun.”

“Good.  Because I still can’t wrap my head around a married woman not taking her husband’s last name.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village officials admit they’re not prepared for a volcanic eruption
Road workers uncover alien skeleton under Route 53
Claar denies hiring professional internet trolls
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/8/18