Immigrant children relocated to Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Approximately 100 of the 1475 children of immigrants detained by U.S. Customs and Border Protection are being held at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“They’re being cared for by alien volunteers,” said Patrick Z. Hamilton, an administrator for the Bolingbrook Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “Since the government started its unofficial policy of separating children of migrants from their families, they have to be kept somewhere.  So they might as well be brought here.”

Hamilton insisted the children are receiving adequate care.  “I think of this as an opportunity to teach our visitors about human childrearing.”

Ogtog, a visitor from Kepler-62f, is fostering 4 human infants.  Ogtog allowed this reporter to watch her care for one of her children.  She walked up to a plastic crib and covered her face with a human paper mask as she peered into the crib.

“Hello, human youngling I have named George.  I am here to give you the proper amount of formula.  Your smart diaper says it is clean.  So after I feed you, I will put on my fursuit and cuddle you for 32.5 seconds.  In 3.52 weeks, we will experiment with feeding you a blended mix of green plants and animal flesh.  Shall we begin?”

George started crying.

“I don’t have a problem taking care of human babies, but they really shouldn’t be separated from their parents at such an early age.”

An advisor on interstellar affairs for the Bolingbrook United Party, who asked not to be identified, fears that the children will never be returned to their families.  “We’re being told that their foster parents plan to adopt them, just to raise them to be translators.  They’ll spend the rest of their lives in servitude.  Like in the Native Tongue trilogy.  That’s horrifying, and we’re doing everything we can to reunite them with their families.”

Hamilton disagrees.  “If you don’t want your family torn apart, don’t enter the United States, and don’t apply for asylum on our side of the border.  Unless you’re a rich Norwegian.  Then you’re more than welcome to move here!”

Ogtog denied any plans to take her children off-world:  “I’m just trying to help humans in need.  It’s hard to believe that a species can be so passionate about who lives on which side of an imaginary line.”

Mayor Roger Claar, when called, only said the following: “I’m going to start issuing a score to every publication that covers Bolingbrook.  Your score is -9000, and that is not good!  Remember our troops who died so I can be a US Mayor!”

Also in the Babbler:

Remember those who died to protect our country and our planet
Russians launch heat attack against Bolingbrook
Claar:  Atheists are not enforcing ‘Secular Sharia Law’ in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/2/18

From the Webmaster: Transparent Expedition blogger celebrates his son’s graduation (Mixed)

Patrick L. Green, the blogger behind Transparent Expedition, wrote a moving article celebrating his son’s graduation:

Selfishly, my son’s graduation is a proud moment. He survived. Countless other transgender youth have taken their own lives because they were not supported and countless teens have been killed in school because we live in a nation where people have an unhealthy obsession and love of guns.

Congratulations on your son’s achievement.  I just wish his experience in Bolingbrook could have been better.

Illuminati honors Professor Jordan Peterson (Fiction)

The Illuminati honored controversial Canadian professor Jordan Peterson at a ceremony held at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Photo of Jordan peterson

File photo of Jordan Peterson by Adam Jacobs.

“The New World Order underestimated the power of his words,” said Simon, Grand Master Councilor of Western Canada.  “Our branch of the Illuminati didn’t, and today he is a potent weapon in our quest to create global chaos.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler performed the glowing orb ritual for Peterson, then presented him with a medal.  It was Lawler’s first time performing the ritual, and Mayor Roger Claar, who was in the audience, nodded in approval.

Peterson wiped away tears as he accepted the award.

“I shouldn’t have cut onions before the ritual,” said Peterson.  The gathered officials laughed.

Peterson then thanked the Illuminati for the honor: “Honestly, I never dreamed I would get this far.  I thought I was going to be an ordinary professor and make some spare money selling self-help books.  When Simon approached me, I honestly didn’t take him seriously.  He promised to make me a messiah of masculinity. I just expected to sell a few more books.  This will be one of the few times I will admit to being wrong.  I now understand the full power of the Illuminati.”

He went on to talk about his followers: “They will follow me no matter what I tell them. I say there’s no such thing as an atheist, and atheists follow me.  I say witches and dragons are real, and skeptics follow me.  There are men who tell me that I am the voice in their head. I’m still amazed.  I am proof that if you act like a man, you can get anything you want and good things will fall into your lap.”

Peterson added that he has some idea of why he’s popular:  “The New World Order has imposed many changes on society, especially on gender roles.  These changes make men feel uncomfortable.  Thanks to our esteemed society, I can exploit their discomfort, and turn them into pawns for the Illuminati.  The Left makes them feel bad for exploiting women and minorities.  I tell them those people were never exploited, and if they gain rights, you will lose rights.  It’s sounds smart, and since they believe they’re smart, they won’t question me.  I make supporting traditional sexism sound like being part of the dark counter-culture!”

He then concluded by stating he agreed with the ultimate goal of the Illuminati.  “I tell my followers that chaos is feminine.  I say that because I believe that global chaos will give birth to a better world.  A world that will keep men on top.  A world where women and so-called minorities will enjoy freedom from choice.  A world that will be just like the classical civilizations.  We’ve made great strides since the election of Donald Trump.  Let’s keep the momentum going.  Fnord!”

After the speech, Lawler asked Peterson a question:  “You say you are opposed to equality of outcomes, yet you want all men to have sexual partners.  Isn’t that a contradiction?”

Peterson smiled.  “You don’t make one million dollars a year by telling horny men they’re not entitled to hot women.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens arrested for offering condoms to Bolingbrook teenagers
Sources: Claar asking ‘Internet troll factories’ to move to Bolingbrook
Clow UFO base forced to ‘draft’ BHS students for internships
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/23/18

Anonymous Sources: Rogue Township trustees set fire to IKEA solar panel (Fiction)

Three ‘rogue’ DuPage Township trustees set fire to one of Bolingbrook IKEA’s solar panels as a sacrifice to the Illuminati.

“My brother was one of the first firefighters on the roof,” said Angie, who asked that we not use her last name.  “He said he saw trustees (Alyssia Benford), (Maripat Oliver), and (Dennis Raga) dancing around a burning solar panel.  They were chanting ‘Fnord.’”  

According to the sources, when approached by the firefighters, the three trustees insisted they were ““Chaos Knights.” The trustees said the Illuminati recently knighted them, and they demanded the firefighters let the fire burn because they were “performing a ritual.”

“Don’t you read the Babbler?” asked Oliver.  “Bolingbrook is an Illuminati village.  As members of the Illuminated Knights of Chaos, we can do anything we want to in the name of chaos.  Right now, we want to sacrifice this solar panel to seek the favor of the spirits of coal!”

“That’s not the only reason,” added Benford.  “I’m participating in this ritual to ensure the success of my campaign for State Representative.   God is on my side. Republican pensioners are on my side, Republican parents are on my side, and after this ritual, the Illuminati will be on my side!  I’m going to break the deadlock in Springfield, destroy the rules, and create chaos in Illinois.  This state will become an anarchist capitalist’s dream.”

“Yeah!” added Raga.  “We hold all the power in DuPage Township.  You can’t tell us what to do.  We’ve shut down the board for two meetings in a row.  Do you want to waste the taxpayers’ money by fighting us?  Let us fire who we want to fire.  Let me drink and drive whenever I want.  Let men be men!  Save the taxpayers’ money and let us do what we want!”

“Exactly,” said Oliver.  “Chaos is the future, and the future is good.”

“Today the township,” said Raga.  “Tomorrow the world.  How are we going to save the world from the New World Order?  With Booze, Boobs, EDM.  Booze!  Boobs!  EDM!”

The firefighters moved the trustees aside and put out the fire.  Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar later met with the trustees in a secluded location.  He explained that he outranked them in the Illuminati, and said they weren’t doing their jobs as knights.

“Your job is to spread chaos outside of Bolingbrook.  Instead, you are causing chaos in my village!  I am ordering all three of you to attend the special meeting on May 15 and to bring order back to my village.  Oh.  The next time you feel like performing a ritual, do it at the Schaumburg IKEA.  Then I can tell their mayor that I’m IKEA 1 and he’s IKEA 0.”

The trustees could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.  

In the background, a woman who sounded like advisor Charlene Z. Spencer said, “Look Mr. Bolingbrook thought leader.  I don’t care if you’re afraid to go back to the Bolingbrook Politics group.  You paid me to troll them, and I trolled them.  As for your message, I’ll have you know that I still have Roger Treatment coupons.  Never heard of them?  You’ll like this.  All I have to do is redeem one at any Bolingbrook Government agency, and they will treat me just like they would treat Roger.  You sent me a sick message, period!  Gender doesn’t matter.  Now, unless you want to be on the receiving end of the Roger treatment, you’ll pay off your invoice to Barber’s Corners Media and never bother me again.”

A man who sounded like Claar said, “I’m having a bad day.”

“Me too.”

Also in the Babbler:

UFOs spotted with Bolingbrook Pride stickers
Martian Colonies officially close consulate at Clow UFO Base
Werecats endorse Jackie Traynere and Kenneth Harris for Will County Board
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/16/18

From the webmaster: Bolingbrook Pride to host ‘Pride Picnic and Puppies’ on June 10 (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Rainbow Flag

Image from the Bolingbrook Pride page.

I don’t know how organized it so quickly, but Bolingbrook Pride will be hosting its first event, “Pride Picnic and Puppies,” on June 10 from 3 pm to 7 pm.

Bolingbrook PRIDE is holding our first annual community picnic with art activities, pet adoption event, food, games, fellowship and more!! We aim to support LGBTQ acceptance through family-friendly, community activity. Join us at James S Boan Woods for four hours of fun!!

This will be Bolingbrook’s first pride event.  A picnic is a good beginning.  Maybe next year we can hope for rainbow crosswalks and a parade in the Promenade?  One can dream…

Rebecca Watson is podcasting again (Non-fiction)

Rebecca Watson, a former Skeptics Guide to the Universe rouge, just started her own podcast.  Quiz-o-Tron is a monthly science and comedy quiz show where comedians and scientists compete for the coveted Quiz-o-Tron Belt.

I haven’t seen Quiz-o-Tron, but I did seem a similar program she put on at TAM 9.  Fun Fact, PZ Myers and I managed to make the finals of the audience participation segment.  It was a version of Match Game.  While I drew a blank, PZ picked the most popular answer.  While I lost, it was fun to watch and join in.  I can’t wait to listen to Quiz-o-Tron on my way to work.

Of course, she still has her YouTube channel.

Sources: Bolingbrook to implement ‘Social Credit System’ (Fiction)

Snowy the Social Skunk knows your Brook Score. Do you? Find out at www.bolingbrook.com

Does this graphic prove Bolingbrook is working on a social scoring system?

Could the Village of Bolingbrook start rewarding residents for “socially acceptable behaviors,” and punishing them for “anti-social behaviors?”  

Sources, who have relatives with friends in Village Hall, say Bolingbrook could have its own version of China’s social credit system by next year.

“Just like China,” said one source.  “We have to deal with a lot of negativity and anti-social behaviors in our community.  By implementing a system similar to the one China is working on, we can improve our community and the quality of our residents.”

Under the proposed system, each resident will receive a social credit score.  Residents can increase their scores by various means, including volunteering for “approved organizations,” receiving an award from the village, posting “appropriate content” on the Village and Bolingbrook First Facebook pages, and receiving special recognization from Mayor Roger Claar.

Residents who have high social credit scores will receive exclusive perks.  Proposed perks could include access to an express line for village services, an exemption during a property tax assessment, extended book loans from the library, and discounts at “featured businesses.”

Points can also be lost for various actions, including traffic violations, major crimes, patronizing “questionable local businesses,” and visiting “negative social media pages.”  Unlike China’s system, there’s no penalty for DUI charges.

“Why should we treat a resident who frequents Advantage Chevrolet the same as a resident who frequents Giamanco Law Partners?” said another source.  “One does business with the village and Roger.  The other sues Roger’s favorite township.”

A woman who claimed to be a spokesperson for the opposition Bolingbrook United Party denounced the proposed plan.  “If, and that’s a big if, what you’re saying is true, then Roger and his trustees are going too far.  We are a democracy. This sounds like the most undemocratic thing that could happen to Bolingbrook since Roger installed one-party rule!”

The second source laughed.  “We are a republic, not a democracy.  In the Trump era, Roger can do anything he wants to as long as he doesn’t go against the wishes of Governor Rauner or our President!  If Roger wants to use this scoring system to bring peace and unity to our village, he will.”

A receptionist for Claar denied any plans to implement a social credit system, then added that he was in a critical meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like advisor Charlene Z. Spencer said, “Are you sure you don’t want to go to the Bolingbrook Pride event?  You could score some political points, and you know how to deal with hostile residents.”

A man who sounded like Claar replied, “I can’t go because I said Mike Pence would be an outstanding Vice-president.”

“Oh boy!  I see your point.  Well, we can still make this work.  The trustees and you can show up at the site the day before, and I’ll take pictures.  Then I’ll take pictures of the event and Photoshop all of you into them.  No one will know the difference, and the best part is, you won’t have to worry about using the wrong pronoun.”

“Good.  Because I still can’t wrap my head around a married woman not taking her husband’s last name.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village officials admit they’re not prepared for a volcanic eruption
Road workers uncover alien skeleton under Route 53
Claar denies hiring professional internet trolls
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/8/18

Web Exclusive: UFO crews forced to play Representative Peter Roskam’s ads during abductions (Fiction)

By Reporter X

UFO

File photo of a UFO.

UFO crews are forcing abductees in Illinois’s Sixth Congressional District to watch Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign ads. 

“It’s either we make them watch the ads,” said Zodole from Kepler-62f, “Or we have to pay double the normal abduction fee.  What choice do we have?”

Mary, who asked that we not use her last name, described her experience:  “I was floating in the air, and I thought I was having a dream.  After I went into the light, I found myself in a white room.  Peter then appeared in front of me.  He said that he wanted to talk to me while aliens were examining me.  I told him to release me.  He ignored me and started talking about his opponent Sean Casten and something about (Rep. Nancy Pelosi).  I said Nancy Pelosi never abducted me, and you just did.  Then he started talking gibberish.  I later realized I was really talking to a hologram, but it looked and acted just like Peter.”

Joshua, who also asked that we not use his last name, called the ad an uplifting experience: “At the time, I thought God took me to Heaven and revealed that he was really Peter.  So, that meant that all this time he wasn’t speaking nonsense.  He was speaking in tongues!  The real reason we hardly see Peter in our district is that if anyone looks at him too long, they’ll die.  Sadly, I later realized that I was actually watching an ad on a UFO.  Still, that means Peter is out of this world!”

Zodole said she hated the ads:  “Most of the time, the ads just upset our subjects.  I remember one woman who accused Peter of taking away deductions for state and local taxes so he could pay for tax cuts for the rich.  It’s supposed to be an interactive ad, but, honestly, I think something went wrong during the recording.  Either that or Peter really is mentally dense for a human being.”

Polly, a member of Liberate IL06, denounced the ads:  “Sean Casten’s campaign is hosting standing room only events.  Peter is so desperate for an audience that he has to ask aliens to force residents to watch his ads. We deserve better than the man who dictated Trump’s stupid tax plan!”

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, which regulates abductions in Chicagoland, defended running the ads. An unsigned statement from the department read: “We have always allowed advertising by our visitors. Ad revenue allows more visitors to conduct science experiments in Chicagoland.  Revenue from the abductions funds Bolingbrook.  Our taxes would be much higher without abduction revenue.”  The letter also refused to state who is paying for the ads but did say that  Roskam’s campaign isn’t paying for them.

Sean Casten refused to comment on the ads:  “All I will say is that I have never worked at Clow UFO base.”

A man then walked into the room, saying: “Your Mom and I are going to be working on a roast.  So we won’t see you for two weeks.”

“Dad!  You don’t need to work on a roast.  Help me make pub burgers instead.”

“The roast is a family tradition.  I have to defend it.  This will be the best roast ever!”

“I got in trouble the last time you made a roast.  Help me make a pub burger instead.  It will be fun, and you won’t be accused of food poisoning.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Reporter.  We were not having a coded discussion about a Super PAC.”

Roskam could not be located in the district and did not reply to this reporter’s voicemails and emails.