By Reporter X
Approximately 100 of the 1475 children of immigrants detained by U.S. Customs and Border Protection are being held at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.
“They’re being cared for by alien volunteers,” said Patrick Z. Hamilton, an administrator for the Bolingbrook Department of Interstellar Affairs. “Since the government started its unofficial policy of separating children of migrants from their families, they have to be kept somewhere. So they might as well be brought here.”
Hamilton insisted the children are receiving adequate care. “I think of this as an opportunity to teach our visitors about human childrearing.”
Ogtog, a visitor from Kepler-62f, is fostering 4 human infants. Ogtog allowed this reporter to watch her care for one of her children. She walked up to a plastic crib and covered her face with a human paper mask as she peered into the crib.
“Hello, human youngling I have named George. I am here to give you the proper amount of formula. Your smart diaper says it is clean. So after I feed you, I will put on my fursuit and cuddle you for 32.5 seconds. In 3.52 weeks, we will experiment with feeding you a blended mix of green plants and animal flesh. Shall we begin?”
George started crying.
“I don’t have a problem taking care of human babies, but they really shouldn’t be separated from their parents at such an early age.”
An advisor on interstellar affairs for the Bolingbrook United Party, who asked not to be identified, fears that the children will never be returned to their families. “We’re being told that their foster parents plan to adopt them, just to raise them to be translators. They’ll spend the rest of their lives in servitude. Like in the Native Tongue trilogy. That’s horrifying, and we’re doing everything we can to reunite them with their families.”
Hamilton disagrees. “If you don’t want your family torn apart, don’t enter the United States, and don’t apply for asylum on our side of the border. Unless you’re a rich Norwegian. Then you’re more than welcome to move here!”
Ogtog denied any plans to take her children off-world: “I’m just trying to help humans in need. It’s hard to believe that a species can be so passionate about who lives on which side of an imaginary line.”
Mayor Roger Claar, when called, only said the following: “I’m going to start issuing a score to every publication that covers Bolingbrook. Your score is -9000, and that is not good! Remember our troops who died so I can be a US Mayor!”
Also in the Babbler:
Remember those who died to protect our country and our planet
Russians launch heat attack against Bolingbrook
Claar: Atheists are not enforcing ‘Secular Sharia Law’ in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/2/18