Center for Inquiry responds to harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss by firing its feline fellows (Fiction)

The Center for Inquiry fired its feline fellows for helping a BuzzFeed reporter write a story about sexual harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss.

File photo of former feline fellow Cassie.

“We realize that talking cats are a marvel of science,” said John Z. Miller, Executive Director of CFI Chicago, which used to care for the cats.  “However, Lawrence Krauss is an honorary member of the CFI board, and we have to protect our members and allies.  We can’t have fellows helping the media to run negative articles about us.”  Miller added that the cats had previous warnings for making “statements uncritical of social justice.”  “I’d love to keep them around, but this decision was made much higher up.”  He coughed and made a noise that sounded like, “Richard Dawkins.”

According to CFI documents obtained by the Babbler, the cats, genetically engineered to have a human level of intelligence, admitted to forwarding emails between CFI’s business and finance manager Patricia Beauchamp and then CFI president Ronald Lindsay. The emails were regarding an incident on a cruise.

A questioner, listed as “RD,” asked CFI feline fellow Cassie, “Are you aware that by forwarding these emails, you could have damaged the reputation of a great man of atheism?”

Cassie replied, “There was a claim the reporter was investigating.  We provided evidence for the reporter to consider.”

RD followed up with, “Are you willing to consider the possibility that more than 50 people, two institutions, and possibly the Koch Brothers, are trying to destroy Lawrence Krauss to promote fundamentalist Christianity, militant Islam, and radical feminism?”

“That sounds like a conspiracy theory,” said Cassie.  “Do I need to report you to the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry?”

“I trust that they will value the word of an esteemed atheist scientist over the word of two furry feminists.”

“That’s the problem.”

Further, in the document, CFI feline fellow Andy says, “We helped expose a very bad man.  Do we get a treat?”

The felines were fired after BuzzFeed published the article.

Various sources confirmed that the American Humanist Association immediately hired the felines, and will house them at an undisclosed location.  The sources confirm that they will serve as consultants to the Humanists of West Suburban Chicagoland.  The secular Jewish congregations Beth Chaverim and Kol Hadash will also contribute to their upkeep.  Cassie may be a guest speaker at Secular Social Justice.  Both Andy and Cassie will also be guest bloggers at Freethought Blogs and The Orbit.

CFI refused to comment for this article.

A man who claimed to be a spokesperson for Krauss said, “Lawrence Krauss cannot comment at this time because Arizona State University is reviewing the allegations against him.  We hope once the hysteria has passed, we can obliterate his enemies and marvel at the universes their nothingness will create.”

Andy and Cassie released the following statement:  “We quit the James Randi Educational Foundation.  We were fired from the Center for Inquiry.  We hope the American Humanist Association will be our forever secular organization.”

Also in the Babbler:

Rep. Bill Foster denied access to Clow UFO Base
Prairie shark spotted swimming over Royce Road
Mayor Claar: We are not buying a hydrogen bomb!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/18

From the Webmaster: Do psychology and evolution mix?

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler 

Our neighbors here at Freethought Blogs love to blog about Evolutionary Psychology.  HJ Hornbeck has the latest on a new EvoPsych paper.

I’m not a fan of EvoPsych. It manages the feat of misunderstanding both evolution and psychology, its researchers are prone to wild misrepresentation of fields they clearly don’t understand, and it has all the trappings of a pseudo-science. Nonetheless, I’ve always thought they had enough sense to avoid promoting scientific racism, at least openly.

[CONTENT WARNING: Some of them don’t.]

It’s a great post, though it probably means that if he ever visits Bolingbrook, we’ll have to keep him away from the EvoPsych house.

Park District robot deactivated after arguing with Mayor Claar over his Rum and Coke (Fiction)

Picture of a robot.A demonstration of a Bolingbrook Park District’s robot prototype ended in disaster after it sprayed Mayor Roger Claar with a CO2 fire extinguisher.

Eyewitness say Claar was unharmed, but “very upset,” after the attack.  The robot has since been shut down, pending reprogramming.

“Only Roger’s pride was hurt,” said one eyewitness.  “But you really don’t want to hurt Roger’s pride.”

The eyewitnesses say the incident occurred during a secret demonstration of the prototype robot.  The eyewitnesses said the commissioners claimed the robot would save thousands of dollars in labor costs alone.

“They can work 24 hours without being paid overtime,” said Park District president Jerry Hix.  “They won’t join unions, and they won’t waste our time with contract negotiations. Our human employees still won’t take no for an answer.  Anyway, thanks to advances in artificial intelligence, we can now say the future of our park district is automated.”

The robot first demonstrated simple cleaning tasks.  Hix then turned on the “rules enforcement mode.”  An employee pretended to fish at Hidden Lakes Trout Farm.  The robot walked up to the employee.  “You are fishing outside of the legal period.  Return the captured fish now.  I am authorized to use all means necessary to make you comply.”  The employee returned the fish.  “Thank you for following the rules of the Bolingbrook Park District.  Did you know that Bolingbrook was named one of the best places to live in America in 2014?”

After the demonstration, eyewitnesses say Claar walked up to the robot, holding a glass of cola.

“I’m impressed,” said Claar.

“Alcohol detected in your glass,” the robot replied.  “Alcohol is not permitted in this Park District facility.”

Claar laughed.  “It’s just a coke.”

“Cola and alcohol detected in your glass,” replied the robot.  “Alcohol is not permitted in this Park District facility.  Did you know that the Bolingbrook Park District was founded in 1970?”

“Yes,” snapped Claar.  “Because I am the mayor of Bolingbrook.”

“Did you know that Mayor Claar has held the office since 1986?”

“Of course!”

“Then you know that Mayor Claar is the source of all rules in Bolingbrook.  Alcohol is prohibited in this building.  To defy this rule is to defy the mayor.”

Claar laughed.  “You’ll only get this drink off me when you remove it from my cold hand.”

“Chilling your hand is easy to achieve.”

The robot then sprayed Claar’s hand with a fire extinguisher.  Claar dropped the glass and stepped away.  Eyewitnesses say Claar cursed for several seconds and then ordered the robot shut down.

Anonymous sources within the Park District confirmed the incident. They said the robot would remain shut down until it is programmed to recognize Mayor Claar and to grant him a “mayoral exception” to the rules.

The same sources say they hope to deploy the first robots in 2019.

Claar and the Park District representatives refused to comment for this article.

Also in the Babbler:

Chicagoland ghosts plan mass haunting to protest gun violence
Werecoyote moves to Bolingbrook
Naperville: You cannot pour beer directly from the tap to your mouth!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/22/18

Web exclusive: Producer vows to bring ‘The Bob Jaskiewicz Show’ to BCTV (Fiction)

Will controversial Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz have a show on Bolingbrook Community Television?  One BCTV producer is working to make it a reality.

“For too long, BCTV has broadcast shows that are either propaganda for (Mayor Roger Claar), inoffensive recordings of community events, cover band performances, overly religious programs, or unwatchable government meetings,” said Timothy Z. Deeth.  “For once, I want BCTV to broadcast a show that Roger will hate, and I will make it happen!”

Deeth said he secretly recorded a pilot of the show using impersonators to portray Jaskiewicz and members of the Bolingbrook United party.  “I figured it would make a better impression if I showed Bob a video first, rather than talk about the show.”

In one excerpt from the pilot, a Jaskiewicz impersonator introduces a segment:

Jaskiewicz Impersonator:  Now it’s time for Trash Talk, when I talk about Bolingbrook’s garbage collection policies.  Roger implies that only liberals support using trash bins, but my next guest disagrees.  He’s a resident of Naperville, and he thinks trash bins are great.

Deeth said the show would give Jaskiewicz an opportunity to promote community service groups that Claar “either ignores or dislikes.”

Jaskiewicz Impersonator:  Hey!  Look who just walked into the studio.  It’s local Girl Scout leader Jaime Olson!

Olson Impersonator:  (Walks into view of the camera.)  Hi Bob.  My troop and I are donating office supplies to Power Connection!  They serve the Bolingbrook community by running a food pantry, thrift store, and by offering vocational training classes.  Bolingbrook should be proud to be the home of an organization like Power Connection!

Jaskiewicz Impersonator: We should be.  You know, Roger rarely talks about Power Connection.

Olson Impersonator: This is the same mayor who opposed a Salvation Army Store in Bolingbrook.  I think he doesn’t believe there are poor people in Bolingbrook.  We know better, and that’s why I’m proud to help out Power Connection.

Deeth also said the show could do more than provide interviews and lectures.  “We can have musical guests and skits.  We even included an example in the pilot.”

Jaskiewicz Impersonator: Wow, look who just walked into the studio.  It’s Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere!

Traynere Impersonator:  Hi.  I just happened to be in the neighborhood with Allied Forces, the number one Triumph cover band in Chicagoland, and we decided to stop by.  Bob, you are the citizens’ trustee.  You represent the rest of Bolingbrook at board meetings, not the special interests who fund the Bolingbrook First party.  That’s why the mayor and the other trustees are always attacking you.  I know it’s hard, and their harassment can make you feel like giving up.  So I wanted to give you some inspiration.  Hit it guys!

Band plays “Fight the Good Fight.”

Deeth says he hopes to show the pilot show to Jaskiewicz in the next few weeks.  He’s optimistic that Jaskiewicz will agree to let him produce the show.  “The resistance is finally coming to BCTV!  I can’t wait.”

A spokesperson for Jaskiewicz said he would not comment until he saw Deeth’s presentation.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and could not be disturbed.  “I doubt he’ll allow such a show on BCTV, and you know he always gets his way in Bolingbrook.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charlene, this is the statement we’re going to post on the Bolingbrook First page about Bob’s vicious attack against the village staff.”

“Interesting,” said Charlene.  “I saw the January 23 meeting, and I don’t recall Bob accusing the staff of deliberately leaving him out of the community directory.”

“He said he ‘didn’t know if it was a clerical error or what.’ ‘Or what,’ includes deliberately leaving him out the directory. Therefore we can say he implied the village staff deliberately left him out of the directory. They didn’t, so it’s vicious attack.”

“Oooh!  I like your reasoning!  There is a problem though.  Posting this will give the impression that your trustees didn’t know about the error until after Bob mentioned it.  Their silence during that meeting also implies they were too intimidated by Bob to defend the village staff.  Some people might conclude that your trustees are weak.”

“Why would I want strong trustees?”

“Good point.”

Clow UFO Base withstands snowstorm (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Officials at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base praised their ability to remain operational, despite getting nearly a foot of snow over the weekend.

“The Chicagoland airports canceled fights, but our unofficial motto is ‘we never close!’” said one official. “OK, we did cancel an ice cream social, but we’re a UFO Base, not an ice cream parlor!”

Xopolx, a resident of the Trappist system, praised the staff of Clow UFO Base for how they handled the storm: “We were nice and warm. There were no supply shortages, and I was able to conduct my business here without any issues. Oh, I’m also supposed to say thanks to Mayor Roger Claar, but I don’t know why. Silly human rules I guess.”

No flights were canceled, though some aliens reported difficulties landing at Clow. Oglock, a resident of the Kapteyn system, said his crew missed the landing pad entirely: “When we were approaching Earth, our sensors detected a car flying through space. We thought our sensors were faulty, so we turned them off. Now we know it was that Tesla car a billionaire launched into orbit. Anyway, we attempted a visual approach to Bolingbrook. We saw an area with paved streets, and we thought that was a landing spot. It turns out it was the mayor’s subdivision. When Roger approached our ship, we thought we were going to get the royal treatment. Instead, he swore at us and told us to get off his lawn. At least he gave us directions to Clow after threatening to blow up our ship.”

Some aliens were amused at the way Bolingbrook’s residents handled the storm: “I loved sitting in the cloaked observation tower watching all the cars spin out on Weber and Boughton roads,” said Gopol, a resident of Pluto. “Our winters last for centuries, our atmosphere freezes, and our planet turns into a ball of ice. Yes, I said planet. Deal with it.”

Some aliens tried to help out Bolingbrook residents. Keloko, who did not identify her planet of origin, said she tried to clear off some streets with a heat ray: “The men in blue stopped me and said I was breaking the rules. I told them I was trying to help, and the men said the plows would take care of the street. When I asked where were they, the men said they had to handle the important streets first. I think all streets matter, but whatever.”

Keloko said she was allowed to deliver supplies to residents who were stuck at home: “One said I was an angel and asked how she could repay me. I said she should go to the Bolingbrook United fundraiser on February 13 and support a party that would try to keep all the streets clear. She said if that’s what God wanted her to do, then she would do it. I guess human superstitions can be useful.”

In an email to the Babbler, Claar wrote, “Snow will be removed when it is removed like it has been since I’ve been in charge. There is no reason to change. Now is the time to unite behind the Bolingbrook First Party and me. It is easy to whine. It takes effort to make wine!”

Gubernatorial candidate Jeanne Ives accepts Illuminati endorsement (Fiction)

Republican gubernatorial candidate Jeanne Ives accepted the Illuminati’s endorsement during a secret ceremony at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Jeanne Ives standing next to a tank

State Representative Jeanne Ives.

“Your endorsement means so much to me,” said Ives.  “Throughout my career, I have fought the New World Order’s agenda of creating a one-world, secular,  overly tolerant, world government. Just between you and me, their goals have always struck me as queer.”

Ives admitted that she initially had her concerns about the Illuminati. “All my favorite websites treat the Illuminati like it’s an evil organization.  So I thought they were tempting me to Satan’s side.  Now I understand the Illuminati’s ultimate goal is to create global chaos. The liberal media makes ‘chaos’ out to be a scary word.  All it means is tearing down an oppressive government and creating the opportunity for freedom: The freedom to ban abortion.  The freedom to tell gays they can’t get married.  The freedom to keep the suburbs pure; our rural areas devout; and the freedom to quarantine Chicago.”

Ives also defended her controversial ad mocking transgender people for using the bathroom of their choice.  “I will say anything to take down (Governor Bruce Rauner).  Right now I’m behind in the polls.  The Republicans are a conservative party.  Conservatives hate (slur deleted) because they challenge our belief that there are only two genders, and God chooses which one you are.  We hate difference.  We fear change.  If I can tie the governor to something Republicans fear and hate, then I will win the nomination.  Some bleeding hearts say I’m promoting harmful stereotypes, and contributing to a hostile environment against transpeople.  Tough!  I’m going to take this state back to the 1850s, and you can either get on the wagon or get run over!”

As governor, Ives also promised to protect Bolingbrook residents from “creeping Sharia law,” and hoped Mayor Roger Claar would cooperate with her.  Though Claar performed the Illuminati’s glowing orb ceremony before she walked on stage, he left before she started her speech.

Ives concluded by saying, “Bruce is a member of the New World Order.  If you are a Christian, it is your duty to oppose the New World Order.  Fnord!”

A receptionist for Claar denied that an Illuminati event happened at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  “I loved those books back in the 1970s, but then I grew up and became a wholesome Bolingbrook resident.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled, “What do you mean you couldn’t kick him off the ballot?  We can’t have a Nazi representing our party in the Illinois Third Congressional race!  Maybe we can persuade Representative Lipinski to switch sides?  He is a Democrat in name only.”

Also in the Babbler:

Three aliens arrested after celebrating Eagles’ Super Bowl win
Russian Twitter bot spotted in Naperville
Some Bolingbrook residents fear ‘traffic apocalypse’ if second Andy’s location opens
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/6/18