Illinois gubernatorial candidate Chris Kennedy vows to shut down Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Chris Kennedy, a Democratic candidate for governor, promised to shut down Clow UFO Base if elected.

“Space aliens have no business in Illinois,” said Kennedy, during a surprise appearance in front of Bolingbrook’s Clow Airport.  “They kidnap the underprivileged, drive up home prices, and fund corrupt candidates like J.B. Pritzker.  Closing Clow UFO Base will send a message to the Deep State that we will not let you run our state.  I love that Governor Bruce Rauner is speaking out against pro-UFO politicians like Michael Madigan and Rahm Emanuel.”

Kennedy also said that the only Republican he didn’t like was Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “He says Bolingbrook is growing, but how many residents are really humans?  Roger Claar is part of a deliberate effort to alienate Illinois!”

Kennedy spoke in front of Clow for 10 minutes before security asked him to leave.

“My campaign may be broke,” said Kennedy, as he was escorted off airport property.  “I may not have the support of the media, but I have the truth, and that will lead me to victory!”

An anonymous member of the Kennedy campaign said the Clow event was an attempt to energize the campaign.  “We scored a big hit when we accused Rahm of trying to drive out people of color from Chicago.  We wanted to do something similar to shore up the white vote, but we had to do it in a way that wouldn’t offend our progressive allies.  We thought getting rid of space aliens was the way to go.  Plus, we might even get some votes from Alex Jones’ fans.”

Pritzker did not address the content of Kennedy’s speech but did praise Bolingbrook: “I loved canvassing in Bolingbrook.  There are some great people there.  I didn’t see any UFOs in Bolingbrook, but I did get an endorsement from Jackie Traynere.

A spokesperson for the Daniel Biss campaign also didn’t comment directly on the speech, saying: “We hope that Illinoisans will support our down to earth campaign.”

The receptionist at Claar’s office denied the event happened.  “There is no UFO Base on the grounds of Clow Airport.  Just between you and me, I heard that your articles bring tourists into Bolingbrook.  That’s why Roger puts up with your paper.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Bob, you’ve been complaining about how I haven’t told residents about our new trash fee.  So here’s a letter I’m going to send to every homeowner.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “You’re naming the fee after me?”

“Don’t say I never did anything for you.”

Also in the Babbler:

No zombies at Bolingbrook United fundraiser
Claar: Village, not state, should regulate local mind-control cells
Bolingbrook man charged with assaulting alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/1/18

One year at FTB (Non-fiction)

A year ago, I took a chance and applied to join Freethought Blogs.  To my very pleasant surprise, I was accepted, and I’ve enjoyed the experience.  It is an honor to be able to contribute to a network I’ve been a fan of for years.

So thank you to the bloggers who took a chance on me, and thanks to all the readers who have visited.  I look forward to contributing more stories for a very long time.

If you want to help me celebrate a year on FTB, please consider donating to our legal defense fund.

Bolingbrook’s ‘unofficial’ political parties respond to the 2018 State of the Village address (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar delivered the 2018 State of the Village address last week.  As in the past, we have asked Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond.  The official opposition party, Bolingbrook United, sent us their response.  Below are the replies we received from Bolingbrook’s unofficial opposition parties: The Roger Claar Party, The Chicagoland Party, The Art Bell Party, and the Bolingbrook Pride Party.

The Roger Claar Party

“A great mayor deserves a great party.”

Note:  The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with Claar.

Wow!  What a great speech!  I’m still in tears.  We’ve grown so much, and become so successful as a village.  We have Mayor Roger Claar to thank for making Bolingbrook the best community in the world!  Personally, I think we’re so successful that Money Magazine secretly decided to retire us from their listings to give other places a chance to be listed.

…But imagine how much greater Roger could be if he weren’t shackled by the Me First Roger Second party?  They say they support Roger, but do they?  Why aren’t they physically throwing themselves in front of a certain trustee to prevent him from entering Village Hall?  Why aren’t they investigating anyone with ties to Cook County? What is their real agenda?

Our real agenda is clear.  We want to help Roger take Bolingbrook to the next level.  We want this term to be so successful, that he’ll decide to run for reelection.  We want the world to see what can happen when a political party lets Roger be Roger.

Will you help us?

The Chicagoland Party

“Stop dividing us.”

When you look down at the Chicago area from space, you don’t Bolingbrook, Naperville, or Chicago.  You see one large community.

Unfortunately, the situation on the ground is much different.  Chicagoland is needlessly divided by artificial political lines.  We send our teenagers to compete in sports competitions against each other.  We say people within one imaginary boundary are better than another.

We are not Bolingbrook, Naperville, or Chicago or any other name.  We are Chicagoland, and for the good of our community, we need to stop dividing ourselves.

Roger brags about Bolingbrook, but the truth is our success is the result of being part of Chicagoland.  There is no wall separating us from the rest of Chicagoland.  Corporations move here because they want to be a part of Chicagoland.  How many people live here, but work in the surrounding communities?

It’s time for a bold leadership that will do away with suburbs, including Bolingbrook.  It’s time for us to embrace the fact that we are all residents of Chicagoland.

The Art Bell Party

“Keeping an eye on Bolingbrook’s skies.”

How can Mayor Roger Claar talk about Bolingbrook and not mention the recent sightings of Mothman?  Whenever Mothman appears, something grave happens.  What is Bolingbrook doing to protect its residents from the coming doom?  Anything?

We could be facing certain doom, and all Roger cares about are business licenses and corporate headquarters! Roger, you need to drop everything and reach out to Mothman.  It could be the difference between life and death!

Also, not once in his speech did Claar acknowledge the existence of Clow UFO Base.  Every resident knows that Clow is the real reason for Bolingbrook’s success.  Is he trying to claim credit for the work of otherworldly beings?

Bolingbrook deserves a mayor who won’t try to cover up its supernatural nature- one who embraces it instead.  We are the most important village in the galaxy.  Unlike a certain mayor, we aren’t afraid to tell the public this!

Bolingbrook Pride Party

“What has fallen may stand again.”

There was once a party that proclaimed it was proud to be residents of Bolingbrook.  That party built our infrastructure, and thus the foundation to make Bolingbrook great.

Now things are different.  Bolingbrook has corporate headquarters instead of cornfields, but even the most Claar loving resident knows that something isn’t right.  Sure people do well, but only if you’re friends with the mayor.  He brags about Bolingbrook’s economic development, yet anyone can look at Bolingbrook Commons and know that something is not right.  There is no pride in Bolingbrook.

That’s why we’ve brought back the Bolingbrook Pride Party.  We’re going to bring back not only real transparency but a commitment to serve all residents — not just the ones who own businesses.  We’re going to make sure that all streets are plowed, including the cul-de-sacs.  The days of overpriced golf clubs and subsidized airports will come to an end.

Critics will call us a zombie party.  We prefer to think of our selves as Crows, coming back from the afterlife to the right the wrongs committed by Roger, and leaving behind a Bolingbrook we can all be proud to call ourselves residents of.

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base to remain open during government shutdown
Claar:  Bolingbrook United should fold just like Senate Democrats
Sagan dragons spotted in Romeoville
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/23/18

Web Exclusive: Illuminati investigates Clow UFO Base following Women’s March in Chicago (Fiction)

After 300,000 people attended the Women’s March Chicago, the Illuminati announced it was launching an investigation into security at Clow UFO Base.

“We cannot believe that more humans attended this year’s march than last year’s march,” said Mu, an investigator aligned with the Illuminati.  “We think most of the marchers were aliens, and that means there was a serious security breach at Clow UFO Base.  We also think the New World Order bussed in aliens to Chicago from their base in Rochelle, IL.  We are going to get to the bottom of this, starting with Clow.”

Clow officials denied any security breaches at the base.

“The base is still locked down,” said an official who asked to remain anonymous.  “There are no flights to Clow, and we are keeping a close eye on flights leaving Clow.  To the best of our knowledge, none of our visitors went to the Chicago march.  Mayor Claar made it very clear that we were to do everything in our power to keep visitors away from the march.  If you ask me, I think a lot of people just hate President Trump and his administration’s treatment of women.  That’s why the marches were so popular.  But you didn’t ask me.”

Other officials said they would cooperate with the Illuminati, but did not believe any aliens from Clow attended the march.

Clow UFO Base is under the jurisdiction of the Illuminati following Mayor Roger Claar’s defection from the New World Order in 2016.

Thomas Xavier, an administrator for the New World Order, says only ten aliens were authorized from Hub 35 in Rochelle to attend the march and believes others watched from orbit.

“We did not use our visitors to inflate the numbers of marchers in Chicago.  The public is rejecting the chaos sought by the Illuminati and will turn to the order and stability we will offer them.  The tide is turning.”

A phone call to Claar was answered by a receptionist, who said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charline, I just found out that my slide on the racial demographics of Bolingbrook is wrong.”

“You approved it.”

“You messed it up.”

“I didn’t mess it up.  I did it on purpose.”


“I was sending a subliminal message to the Trump supporters in Bolingbrook that you stand by our president 110%.”

“Try to be more subtle next time.”

Bolingbrook United responds to the 2018 Bolingbrook State of the Village address (Non-Fiction)

Bolingbrook Residents,

The following is Bolingbrook United’s response to Mayor Claar’s January 18, 2018, State of the Village address.

The State of the Village was an event for a select few: On Thursday an elite group of Bolingbrook business owners, residents and guests, along with countless politicians, listened to Mayor Roger Claar provide his view of the state of our Village.  The event took place at the taxpayer funded and owned Bolingbrook Golf Club.  Like previous years, if residents wanted to attend the event they had to pay a staggering fee of $70 per person. Many residents cannot afford that high-ticket price or have the ability to take time off work to attend the event, which was held on a Thursday afternoon. As a result, such residents are relegated to watching it over the internet or on public access television.  Bolingbrook United believes that the State of the Village should be held at Village Hall or the Bolingbrook High School, during the evening, with no cost to attend.  It should be open to all residents, and not just those who can afford to take time off of work and pay an exorbitant fee to attend.

There is need for more economic development: During his address, Mayor Claar expressed his concerns about the economic shift away from typical brick and mortar retail and the effect it is having on local tax revenue.  He complained about the Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center, the former location of Century Tile, and mentioned how it is an eyesore.  He specifically noted that little has changed with the Shopping Center since he became mayor over 34 years ago.  While Bolingbrook United agrees with Mayor Claar about these concerns, we believe that his inaction has allowed this ‘eyesore’ and many other retail spaces to remain as virtual ghost towns with mass vacancies and unrenovated buildings. One of the first things Trustee Bob Jaskiewicz, of Bolingbrook United, did after being elected was discuss with Mayor Claar the need for an Economic Development Committee, which would look at how to better utilize these spaces, attract new businesses, and turn ‘eyesores’ into functioning businesses that improve our community.  Mayor Claar refused to consider Trustee Jaskiewicz’s suggestion. Instead, during the State of the Village, Mayor Claar stated there was nothing that could be done for such areas. Instead of complaining and throwing in the proverbial towel, Mayor Claar and the rest of Village Hall should be taking action.  Bolingbrook United believes that an Economic Development Committee should be established immediately and that the Village should stop being complacent and instead go to work on helping to revitalize these vacant areas.

The Village must address the massive debt it has incurred: Under the leadership of Mayor Claar, the Village has incurred over $300 million dollars of debt in part by expending Village dollars on frivolities such as the following: purchasing Clow airport; building the Bolingbrook Golf Club; and attempting to become a home developer by purchasing Americana Estates.  At no time during his address did Mayor Claar mention how much debt the Village has, but he insisted that the Village is finished with incurring debt.  Unfortunately, this is not a true statement. The Village is currently involved in litigation with Illinois American Water.  In short, the Village is attempting to buy back the water system that Mayor Claar and the Village sold 20 years ago.  That transaction, when it occurs, is expected to cost the Village tens of millions of dollars that will be added to our debt.

Bolingbrook United believes the Village needs to come to terms with the incredible amount of debt it has incurred under Mayor Claar. The Village cannot continue to kick the debt can down the road for future generations to solve.  We must do something about it now.

We need to solve our trash problem and increase basic services to residents: A basic concern of many residents is trash disposal.  Mayor Claar’s opposition to the use of trash cans or “toters” as they more accurately called, is well known.  Since his election, Trustee Jaskiewicz has repeatedly asked that the issue of waste disposal be taken seriously and placed on the Village agenda.  We’ve tried to get the Village’s attention to this important issue, to no avail; we even marched in the Pathways Parade this past year pushing toters to draw attention it.  Bolingbrook United believes that the matter of garbage cans, toters, recyclable bags and waste management as a whole should be a Village agenda item.  We need public discourse on this topic and we need a solution to our trash problem; for far too long, our Village has looked like a giant refuse site as a result of the trash that blows out of recyclable bins and torn garbage bags. People want to be heard on this issue and whether you are for or against toters, Bolingbrook United believes that the Village should have an active and open discussion on the issue.

In addition, when it comes to snow removal, I hope we can all agree that the removal of snow from streets is a public safety issue and that residents want their streets plowed.  It is neither funny nor acceptable that during the State of the Village Mayor Claar mocked residents who questioned where the plows and salt trucks were during the most recent snowfall.  We know our Village employees work hard and do a great job, but we realize that we now have half as many employees in the Public Works Department than we had ten years ago. Bolingbrook United believes that resident concerns need to be taken seriously.  Residents should not be insulted by their mayor for questioning a matter of safety in the Village.

We must stop the “everyone else is the problem” mentality in Village Hall:  During the State of the Village, Mayor Claar took the opportunity to promote his favorite candidates, businesses and political patrons – most of whom donate to his campaign fund and/or are outspoken supporters of him.  He also chastised Democrats, and Republicans to a lesser degree, at the state and federal levels for not working together.  We found these statements to be incredible considering that since the election, Mayor Claar has frequently used Village meetings to put down and/or denigrate Bolingbrook United, its supporters, and its suggestions/ideas.  He has refused to collaborate with or listen to the concerns expressed by Trustee Jaskiewicz and those he represents who disagree with his agenda in any manner.  Bolingbrook United believes that our Village should not mirror our ineffective state and federal governments.  The mayor and the rest of our elected officials need to collaborate with one another, even if they are of a different political persuasion.

Mayor Claar locks down Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

UFOIn a surprise announcement, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar locked down Clow UFO Base for the next two weeks.

“This is for the safety of all our visitors,” said Claar.  “This is for many reasons.  We’ve received reports of nonspecific but credible threats to visiting aliens.  We are also concerned about rising tensions between Bolingbrook and Naperville—Tensions that I feel are being stoked by an anonymous Facebook page.  Intelligence officials are also warning about disruptive individuals moving into our neighboring suburbs.  So, as mayor and head administrator of Clow UFO Base, I am confining all of our visitors until I deem outside conditions safe.”

Oigoply, a resident of Proxima Centauri, denounced the confinement: “I came all the way to  Bolingbrook just to try Ko Sushi.  Now I’m stuck here.”

Loigdee, a resident of Barnard’s Star 3, was also disappointed: “I was upset when the WeatherTech store at Clow closed.  Now I find out that I can’t go to the factory store.  I really wanted to buy a dozen floor protectors before my trip to Venus.  The locals love eating them. Roger’s actions are going to have a negative effect on the interplanetary economy.  I thought those huge tax cuts were going to help grow businesses, not shrink them.”

Clow officials denied that the lockdown was an attempt to depress turnout at both the Chicago March to the Polls on January 20 and the Naperville March to the Polls rally on January 21:

“Why would we want to affect the turnout for an unpopular event that will give our visitors the impression that Trump is unpopular and that Democrats have a chance to win the Illinois Sixth Congressional District?”

When called, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “So you need a job?  I heard that Francesca’s is hiring waiters.  You’d have to shave—What?  You want to work for me as a consultant?  Why would I take your advice?  You lost an Alabama Senate seat to the Democrat Party.  What?  You say you can help me?  Help me do what?  Hand over control of the Village Board to the Bolingbrook United Party?  Really?  You and what billionaire are going to drive me out of office?”

Also in the Babbler:

Sam’s Club closes store inside Clow UFO Base
Mayor Claar will tweet to his 584 followers if there is a fake nuclear warning
Bolingbrook fights back against Russian snow attack
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/18/18

Sources: Bolingbrook to investigate the Clintons (Fiction)

Will the Village of Bolingbrook investigate the Clinton family?  Sources with relatives whose friends work at Village Hall say yes:

“Sure the FBI is investigating the Clinton Foundation,” said one source.  “But we know that they’re in league with the Deep State.  Can we really trust any organization tied to them?  So we’re helping Trump— I mean we’re helping bring the Clintons to justice.”

“There are many laws the Clintons could have broken,” said another source.  “Did Bill have an affair while visiting Illinois?  That’s a crime in Illinois.  There are other obscure laws in Illinois that we could get them on.  I mean discover if they violated.  The point is that there are so many crimes that the Clintons could have committed, that we can’t expect Congress and the FBI to investigate them all.  It is the patriotic duty of every community to investigate the Clintons.”

The sources agree that Mayor Roger Claar asked the village staff to “look into Clinton’s ties to Bolingbrook, no matter insignificant they may seem.” Though the Clintons did not make any campaign stops in Bolingbrook, Claar, the sources say, believes that there could be some “inappropriate connections” between some Bolingbrook residents and the Clintons.

“Maybe some residents did more than vote for Clinton.  Maybe they received secret funds from the Clintons and used them to run for local office.  We can’t know for sure unless we investigate.”

When called, Claar answered the phone and said: “He hated me and committed a crime. How is that not a hate crime?  For that matter, how can you say that my support of Donald Trump is not a creed?  A creed is a set of beliefs that guide someone’s actions.  Google it if you don’t believe me!”

In the background, a woman said: “Actually, I have the Babbler on Line One.  The Herald is on Line Two.”

“I’ll deal with you later,” Claar said before hanging up.

Chelsea Clinton laughed after being asked about the alleged investigation. “I’ll make this quick since the board meeting is about to start.  I don’t know who this Mayor Blair is.  I’ve never heard of Bowling Illinois, most of the money the Clinton Foundation makes goes towards its programs, the former President is my dad, my mother won the popular vote, I have four degrees, including a doctorate from Oxford University, I’m not wearing an ankle bracelet, Alex Jones eats pizza, and I’m more qualified to hold office than Donald Trump is.  Have a nice life.”

Also in the Babbler:

Man frozen since last week revived at Bolingbrook Adventist Hospital
Traffic down 25 percent at Clow UFO Base
Bolingbrook Skeptics: All Will County prisoners wrongly convicted due to false memories
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/11/18

We get letters: HJ Hornbeck and other matters (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

Hello! While the rest of the staff is enjoying a vacation, I’ve decided to publish some of the letters we’ve received recently.  I am known for being a harsh editor, but it is possible to get a letter published by me.  I will give you a hint, death threats or links to pornographic fan fiction about Mayor Roger Claar will be filed in my round drawer.

Our first letter probably was sent to us by mistake, but it’s worth a read:

Dear Mr. Bolingbrook Babbler:

We at the Skeptic Society can’t believe it! HJ Hornbeck, a protege of the objectively evil PZ Myers, is attacking us.  We can counter his thousands of words but, unlike Hornbeck, we don’t have a mountain of ad revenue to back us up.  Our backs are up against a virtual wall, but we can fight back against the many-headed creature that is Freethought Blogs.

We will need your help, though.  For a small donation of $1 million, we can find writers who can counter Hornbeck’s fake skepticism!  For the cost of a summer home, you can make huge difference in our fight against political correctness.  If you can become a member of our army of small donors, you’ll save secularism and help our founder, Michael Shermer, keep his platform!

If you have any doubts, just remember that we are standing by our positive review of Milo Yiannopoulos’s book, and Rebecca Watson won’t be at any of our events.

Donate today, and you’ll get an advance copy of Michael’s soon to be released book, “The Female Brain.”

The Skeptics Society
Altadena, CA


Locally, one reader has a question:

To the Editor:

Why don’t you write about our great high school basketball teams?  Don’t you love our community?  Don’t you love our students?  Are your reporters the kind that hate Bolingbrook High School because we’re diverse?

Get with the program!

Lee X. Pilger
Bolingbrook, IL

Lee, our focus is on the supernatural happenings in Bolingbrook.  Yes, we have great teams, but you can read about them in any suburban publication.  You’ll only be able to read about the Bolingbrook High School Interplanetary Track and Field team on in the Babbler!  They’re favored to win the Triton Invitational Tournament.

Our next reader is concerned:

To the Editor:

Don’t be fooled by the Fake News Media. Most people believe the Earth is a globe.  The Fake News Media wants us to believe that there are hordes of Flat Earth believers out there, so we’ll panic and establish a council of smart people to rule the world.  Sure they say it will be temporary until they’ve rid the world of woo.  But it is impossible to get rid of woo, and they know it.  Instead, the world will be run by this oligarchy.

We can’t let the Fake News Media trick us into letting the skeptical movement run the world!

Name withheld
Schaumburg, IL

No, we can’t let that happen.

Finally, a question many Bolingbrook residents have:

To the Editor:

When will Bolingbrook end its ban on garbage totes?  Sure, banning them was a way to make the village look like it had conservative values.  Today, even Naperville has them, and Naperville isn’t a liberal community.  Roger is just being stubborn, and we’re falling behind in the sanitation race.  It’s time for a change.  Garbage totes today!  Garbage totes tomorrow!  Garbage totes forever!

Jane Z Gilford
Bolingbrook, IL

Viva the garbage tote revolution, I guess.

We’ll be back to our regular schedule next week, and I’ll continue my difficult search for letters worth publishing.