Clow UFO Base hosts its first interstellar Game of Thrones convention (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Note:  This article contains Game of Thrones spoilers and a substance that might not be caffeine.

Over a thousand aliens gathered at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base for the first interstellar Game of Thrones convention, titled Blood Star 2017.

Kristian Nairn as Hodor.

Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar sat on a replica of the ‘Iron Throne’ Thursday night as he addressed the audience during the opening ceremony:

“You can call me the Mayor of the Southwest.  On behalf of the House of Claar—Ouch!  That hurt.  I hate this chair!  A king’s chair should feel comfortable!”

The guest of honor was Kristian Nairn, who played Hodor.  He was never aware that he was inside an actual UFO base.

“I’ve never been to a Game of Thrones convention where most attendees dressed up as aliens pretending to be a character from the show.”

An alien with spikes walked up to Nairn.  After looking down at him for a few moments, it curled up into a ball and started crying.  “Hold the door!  Hold the door!  You held the door!”

“Great costume, and good acting, my friend.”

The first night of the convention featured a game show, Speed Titles.  Each contestant was given the name of a character and had to recite the character’s title.  The final round was between Olgo of the Corvox Empire, and Poenafa from the planet Venus.  Poenafa quoted Daenerys’ title in .5 seconds, shattering the old Galactic record of 10 seconds.  Olgo recited her title in .4 seconds.  Judges, after reviewing the video, determined that Olgo mispronounced a word.  Poenafa became the first champion.

“Thank you!”  Said Poenafa.  “Ever since I was a shell, I dreamed of leaving my peaceful world and venturing into the violent world of Westeros. Today, I know I would be killed within five minutes of appearing in Westeros, but I still love it.  Thank you for rewarding my love.”

On the second night, there was a Stannis Baratheon Grammar Bowl.  The winner was named ‘Lord of the Light, while the losers were burned in honor of the Lord of Light.  Game organizers insisted that the losers wore fire proof suits, but none of them could be reached for an interview.

The only other act of violence occurred after a viewing party for the season finale.  Many had placed illegal bets on the winner of the rumored Cleganbowl, but lost their money when the brothers didn’t fight during the episode.

An anonymous alien explained: “Not only did I lose my hard earned credits, but now I’m in jail for inciting a riot and gambling.  I think now is a good time to convert to humanity’s libertarian religion”.

The highlight of the convention was a speech by a masked man who claimed to have ghostwritten the controversial episode “Beyond the Wall.”  He explained its many puzzling features:

“I thought I had two weeks to write this, and that we were doing a ten episode season.  Later, I found out that we were doing only seven episodes, and that I had to turn my work in within three days.  At first, I had the worst case of writer’s block.  Then I got some garbage bags of, um, caffeine!  Yes, bags of caffeine!  Then it came to me.  I wrote ‘Beyond the Wall’ in about 15 minutes.  They did a minor cleanup afterward, but most of what you see is what I wrote!”

When asked about “supersonic ravens,” he replied: “Why can’t they go that fast?  Maybe the ravens had some caffeine before flying?  I’ve been known to run fast after a few big bags.”

At the closing ceremony, Claar confirmed that Clow would host next year’s convention.  Many screamed when he announced that the theme would be “The Red Convention.”

Also in the Babbler:

Help Houston:  Donate to Foundation Beyond Belief
Mayor Claar: I am not making skunks the official mascots of Bolingbrook

Thousands of UFOs diverted to Clow UFO Base.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/1/17

From the Webmaster: Will County Resistance Fair to be held on August 26 (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Believe it or not, I do get Saturdays off, and this Saturday I’ll be at the Will County Resistance Fair.  It’s a free gathering of Will County progressive groups.  The fair provides an opportunity to find volunteer opportunities or possible employment.  It is at the Holiday Inn and Suites, 205 Remington Boulevard, Bolingbrook, Illinois 60440. It runs from 10 AM to 4 PM.  The hosts are Will County Board member Jackie Traynere and Congressperson Bill Foster.

Representatives from the following groups will be there:  CAIR, NAACP, Indivisible, Our Revolution, Mom’s Demand Action, Healthy Illinois, PDA, and Food and Water Watch.

In addition to visiting booths, visitors can also attend these free training sessions:

11:00 AM: Advanced Social & Mainstream Media by Food and Water Watch
12:00 PM: Climate Change… Science, not Politics
12:00 PM:  Running for Office
1:00 PM: Grassroots Lobbying
1:00 PM: Healthy Illinois
2:30 PM: Climate Change … Science, not Politics
2:00 PM: Electoral Strategy & Messaging
3:00 PM: Stay on the Ballot

If you consider yourself a progressive, this is a chance to find active groups in Will County that may interest you.

I don’t know if there will be any space aliens at the fair, but you never know…

Mayor Claar defies Trustee Jaskiewicz by holding his breath (Fiction)

Sources say Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar is unharmed after repeatedly holding his breath in defiance of opposition Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

According to sources, the conflict started while Claar and Jaskiewicz were arguing in Claar’s office.  The sources agree that Jaskiewicz challenged Claar:

“You always disagree with everything I say and propose.  I’ll bet if I told you to breathe for the rest of your life, you would hold your breath.”

One anonymous source said she saw Jaskiewicz running out of Claar’s office.

“He said, ‘Roger is turning blue!’  I ran inside, and I saw Roger taking two deep breaths.  Then he said, ‘(Expletive deleted) Jaskiewicz!’ Roger started holding his breath again.”

All the sources agree that Claar’s attempts not to breathe continued for about an hour.  Paramedics and a crisis counselor could not persuade him to breathe normally.

“If I do what he says, (Will County Trustee Jackie Traynere) will win.  I can’t let that happen!  (Expletive deleted)!  You’re tricking me into breathing!”

Finally, sources say Claar answered a phone call from an unidentified family member.  Claar listened for a few seconds, and then his face turned red before he replied:

“You don’t tell me what to do, young lady, I will vote for whomever I want, I will raise funds for whomever I want, and I will breathe whenever I want!  I’m breathing right now, and you can’t stop me!”

Claar, according to the eyewitnesses, slammed the headset back into the phone base, then ordered everyone out of his office.  After Village Hall closed, witnesses say Claar was breathing normally and said he was going home. Claar also made unprintable comments about the Bolingbrook United party.

A spokesperson for Jaskiewicz released the following statement:

“This incident did not happen, but we are disappointed by Claar’s continued efforts to obstruct Bob. It is outrageous that Roger expects blind loyalty.  He started his political career as an opposition trustee against two mayors.  Bob won his seat not just because of karma, but because thousands of Bolingbrook residents don’t like the direction Bolingbrook is headed.  Roger needs to put Bolingbrook first, instead of his ego.”

Charlene, the village’s public relations intern, released the following statement:  “This incident didn’t happen, but it illustrates the divisiveness that certain elements want to bring to Bolingbrook.  Residents must reject these efforts.  All residents should unite behind Mayor Roger Claar because Bolingbrook became a great community under his rule. Now is not the time to experiment with bipartisan conflict.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens promise to cloak their ships during the eclipse
New World Order vows to retake Clow UFO Base ‘by any means necessary’
Bolingbrook IT Commission denies it has created an artificial intelligence
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/23/17 

From the webmaster:  Eclipse sparks Flat Earth debate (Mixed)

The folks over at the Philly Voice were kind enough to host dueling comments between Flat Earth believers and people who know better.

An illustration of the alternative “Pond Earth Theory.”

From the Flat Earth side:

Rahu and Ketu in Vedic astrology are considered mythology by western astronomy. Rahu is the head of the serpent and Ketu is the body. In mythology, during an eclipse, they thought the head swallowed the sun.

We have to have something rise that causes eclipses in the flat-earth model. We think it’s not necessarily caused by the moon, though it could be.

From a skeptic:

Meanwhile, over a Flat Earth, you can have a small, local sun, overtaking a small, local moon (both moving to the West above the plane of the flat Earth) and the shadow will move West to East. That’s their argument, in a nutshell, and many FE folks are very, very excited about this eclipse because it will prove them right!

The truth is that the case of the eclipse shadow is dependent on linear speed (such as miles per hour) and not angular speed. How fast will the umbra travel? The units of miles per hour require us to do some math with those units.

So if you take the Earth’s rotational surface speed (roughly 1,000 mph at the Equator, more like 800 mph in Philly), and the Moon’s orbital speed (roughly 2,000 mph, eastward), this means the shadow will move faster than the Earth’s surface, to the East.

Personally, I think Phil Plait posted the best explanation back in 1998:

There is an unambiguous effect, though, of the curved Earth, which brings me back to my vacation. My parents live in Sarasota, which is about 1600 kilometers south of where I live near Washington DC. This is equal to about 1/30 of the way around the Earth, or 12 degrees. When I am at home and go out to look at Polaris, the North Star, it is about 40 degrees above the horizon. If I lived at the North Pole, it would be 90 degrees above the horizon, or straight up. However, when I visit my parents, I travel south, and so Polaris appears lower. Much lower, 12 degrees worth! That is very noticeable to the naked eye. On the other hand, stars towards the south appear to be much higher in the sky when I am in Florida. Last year I could clearly see Canopus (the second brightest nighttime star in the sky) to the South, but it never gets high enough to see from my house.

If the Earth were flat, we’d never see this effect. If the Earth were a disk we’d only see it if we traveled along the edge, and not the face. Therefore we must live on a curved Earth, a big ball in space (as a matter of fact, this effect can even be used to determine the circumference of the Earth!).

Web Exclusive: Were-skunk escorted from Village Board Meeting (Fiction)

Bolingbrook police officers peacefully escorted a were-skunk from the 8/15/17 Village Board meeting. Mayor Roger Claar ordered the male were-skunk removed because he feared that he would spray the room.

“Our procedures for cryptid mammal removal worked,” said Officer Jill.  “Roger first sent a text message to the BCT control booth to end the live broadcast.  Then he signaled us to move in.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz distracted the audience with a long speech while we asked the cryptid to follow us.  I’m sure Robert is going to be mad that BCT didn’t televise his entire speech, but he did help us, which we appreciate.”

The alleged were-skunk, who asked to be called Sid, denied that he had any hostile intentions.  He claims that he was there to support Claar:

Image from toter.com

“We heard a rumor that (Roger) was going to discuss a proposal to provide trash toters to all residents.  All because some residents don’t like my cousins eating their garbage.  I also heard that Roger was going to imply that requiring trash toters is a bad Democrat Party idea.  So I wanted to be there to support him.”

Sid added that Were-Skunks, like most omnivores, prefer a variety of foods, besides grubs:

“My cousins love Bolingbrook because sometimes residents will put their garbage on the curb the night before trash pickup.  My braver cousins like to stay up late and open up trash bags after the residents go to work.  Toters make it very hard to get at the tasty food.  It’s so hard for my Chicago cousins because they have to deal with the city’s toters.  Bolingbrook is like a skunk paradise.  We’re not going to let Bolingbrook United take away our free buffet!”

After being removed, Sid said he was disappointed in Roger.  “Roger said nothing when his assistant said he was hoping for a cold winter so my cousins would die.  That was so insensitive!  All we do is eat the food your voters throw out.  Sure we spray, but only in self-defense.  We can live together, and you can learn so much from us.  Just stop acting like Naperville residents!”

Charline Z. Spencer, the public relations intern for the Village of Bolingbrook, denied that a were-skunk was at the village board meeting.

“Where do you get these stories?  The truth is the viewers on BCT suffered through an extra long meeting.  Roger felt that if he kept broadcasting Robert’s speech, there was a risk of viewers dying of boredom.  That’s why we had to de-platform Robert and replace him with a video of an 80s cover band.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Why can’t we redefine residents as anyone who lives within Bolingbrook’s boundaries who supports me?”

A man replied, “Because the state—”

“(Expletive deleted) the state government!”

Update 8/17/17: Bolingbrook Community Television sent us the following statement:

We schedule a certain amount of airtime for the Board meetings. Normally it was for 2 hours. The meeting went over by quite a bit… We have to login remotely to change the time.  We did it twice. But we didn’t get in time for the third time.
For that, we apologize. But it was only trustee comments that got cut.

Bolingbrook Antifa secures tank (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s Antifa, an anti-fascist group, announced that it now has a Leopard 2A5 tank.

Alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank

“It is now clear to us that police departments will only deploy armored vehicles whenever groups like Black Lives Matter protest,” read the press release.  “Since we doubt that (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) would ask for tanks if neo-Nazi militias occupied Bolingbrook, we’ve decided to get a tank for ourselves.”

According to the press release, the tank is street legal, and its cannon is disabled.  The statement went on to say there was a gun mounted on it, but that it would only be used “for self-defense.”  Bolingbrook Antifa also bragged about the tank being “stick-proof and car-proof.”

A Bolingbrook Antifa member, who asked to be called Emma, said she is ecstatic that they now have a tank.  “You can’t reason with hardcore Fascists.  They only understand violence.  They think it’s fine when they try to intimidate people with their torches, shields, and sticks.  If you hit them back, however, they become a bunch of crybabies.  They’re going to call our tank intimidating and violent.  That’s fine with us.  Bolingbrook is a safe and diverse community.  Our tank will protect the village from those who want to commit genocide!”

Noam, another Bolingbrook Antifa member, said it was easy to get the tank into Bolingbrook:  “We just put a Trump flag on it, and the police didn’t care.”  He also added that the tank is hidden, and they will only use it if Fascists come to Bolingbrook.

A police officer, who asked to be called Bob, says the department now cares about the presence of a tank in Bolingbrook.  “This is a dangerous escalation!  Do you know why Bolingbrook is a safe community?  Because only the police are allowed to use violence.  Sure you can defend yourself, but then you have to stop once we arrive!  They need to get that tank out of Bolingbrook and respect law and order.”

When trying to reach Claar for comment, a receptionist said Claar was busy and could not be disturbed:

“Don’t tell Roger I said this, but I think it might be more useful to attend the Resistance Fair than to drive a tank around Bolingbrook.  Don’t you think?”

In the background, a woman who sounded like Intern Charlene said, “You know, Money Magazine hasn’t ranked Bolingbrook as one of the best places to live since 2014, right?”

A man who sounded like Claar replied:  “The fact that they ever selected us is all that matters.”

“Ah.  So it’s like a video game achievement.  You’ll always have it, no matter what your current gaming skills are.”

“I guess.”

Also in the Babbler:

Partial Eclipse means Bolingbrook will be safe on 8/21/17
Torchlight parades banned at Clow UFO Base
UFO makes emergency landing after getting hit by a meteor
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/17/17

From the webmaster: Chicagoland responds to Charlottesville (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster

I think I can speak for the staff when we say that we are shocked by the violence and act of domestic terrorism that happened in Charlottesville, VA.  I wish I could say that this was the work of Nazi’s from space, chemtrails, or a “false flag” operation.  The truth is that this was the work of humans.  Aliens also won’t save us from ourselves.  We have to work to bring about change.

These are the following events we are aware of in the Chicago area.

Refuse Fascism will gather at Millennium Park at 1 PM today, then march to Trump Tower.

The Chicago chapter of the International Socialist Organization will gather at the corner of Wacker and Wabash, across from Trump Tower, at 1 PM.

The organizers of the Illinois Women’s March will hold a vigil at 6 PM at Federal Plaza, 219 S Dearborn, ST.

There will be a gathering in front of Rep. Peter Roskam’s office in Barrington starting at 6 PM.  The address is 200 N Hough ST.  The organizer asks that all signs have a positive message.

Additionally, there is a GoFund me page to pay for the medial expenses of the 19 people injured by the car attack.

If you know of any other events or support pages, please let us know.

Web Exclusive: Clow UFO Base conducts nuclear war drill (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base held its first nuclear war drill since 1993.

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

“It is just a coincidence that we decided to hold a nuclear attack drill for the first time in 24 years,” read a statement from Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “We are not worried about a rogue nation attacking the village that Money Magazine named ‘one of the best places to live in America’.”

The drill started when all the TV screens switched to a “special report” broadcast.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz appeared on the screen:

“Hello.  I’m pretending to be President Donald Trump.  My big hands just pressed the big red button—“

Mayor Roger Claar then walked up to Jaskiewicz.

“You are supposed to be playing Kim Jong-un.”

“I think you have a better understanding of him than I do.”

“Very funny, Brzezinski.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Whatever.”  Claar then turned towards the camera.  “For this drill, there is a North Korean missile with a nuclear-tipped warhead that will hit Bolingbrook in thirty minutes.  It begins now.”

At first, many aliens visitors didn’t know what to do:

“I thought the Earth custom was to raise your appendages in the air and scream,” said Lexopexo, from Tau Ceti.  “That’s followed by performing acts of vandalism, arson, and looting.  Before I got in trouble, a security officer said that Earthlings follow instructions if they don’t want to be killed.  Since he put it that way, what choice did I have?”

Many staff members, who spoke anonymously, said while they felt unprepared, and some of the procedures were out of date, the drill was a success.

One staffer was proud of her work.  “My job was to gather all the stray pets and children and to get them to a shelter.  You know how there’s always a stray child or pet in the movies that compels someone to risk their lives to save them?  Well, that wasn’t a problem under my watch.”

Oalpogoft from Pluto tried to get back to her craft during the drill.

“I told them that I could intercept the missile and save Bolingbrook.  They refused me access to my hanger.  They said that it was more important to keep aliens a secret to the public than to save thousands of lives.  I told them that was blezede up, but they replied that nuclear war was no big deal.  No big deal?  I told them to ask the survivors of Earth’s two atomic bomb attacks if it was no big deal.  The original inhabitants of Charon thought a nuclear war wouldn’t be a big deal, and now they’re extinct.  Duck and cover didn’t save them.”

After 30 minutes, Claar reappeared on the screens:

“The drill is over.  In our simulation, a 40 MT warhead struck Clow Airport.  We’ve estimated that 7,120 would be killed and 15,390 people would be injured by the blast.  Everyone inside the UFO base would have survived.  Now, had this been an actual nuclear strike, I would be in shock over the deaths of my loved ones and supporters.  Since this is only a drill, I can appreciate the positives.  According to our simulation, the Bolingbrook Golf Club and the Promenade survived the blast.  Survivors will be able to shop, and we can convert the Golf Club into a visitor’s center after we turn the blast site into a memorial park.  It will become a profitable tourist attraction.  Surviving businesses will have to hire new workers, but they can pay them less.  I’ll also have the authority to temporarily suspend the village charter, and rule by decree again.  Sorry, Stankowitz.”

“Jaskiewicz!”

“Close enough.”

Undead to protest Theater on the Hill’s production of Night of the Living Dead (Fiction)

Five undead Bolingbrook residents plan to picket Theater on the Hill’s auditions for their production of Night of the Living Dead:

Theater on the hill will be holding auditions for their production of Night of the Living dead on 8/7/17 and 8/8/17.

“They’re using public property to enforce negative stereotypes about the undead,”  said Karen, a resident who has been “terminally living” in Bolingbrook since 1998.  “It’s bad enough that I can’t go to the movies or watch TV without seeing some grotesque stereotype about the undead.  Why does a theater company have to denigrate the undead?”

The Bolingbrook chapter of the Undead Society hopes to use their protest to 1) counter myths about the undead, and 2) to persuade the company to let a representative from the society address the audience after each performance.

“The living may treat this play like it’s harmless entertainment,” said Adam, who has been “terminally living” in Bolingbrook since 2002. “ To us, Night of the Living Dead is the equivalent to Birth of a Nation.  We don’t want to ban the production.  We just want the audience to know the truth about being undead.”

According to the society’s literature, Night of the Living Dead contains many inaccuracies about the undead.  They do not eat flesh, especially brains.  “Terminal Living” is not contagious, and the undead are not a sign of a “zombie apocalypse.”

“I’ve been shot in the head three times,” said Joan, who has been terminally living in Bolingbrook since 1966.  “Before Night of the Living Dead came out, everyone was cool with my condition.  Since that movie, I have lost my friends, and I’m confined to the basement.  If it weren’t for cable TV, I wouldn’t know what was going on in the world.  I’m so happy that my husband has been so supportive.”

Karen has tried to reach out to Theater on the Hill’s staff, but they hung up on her.  She also tried to speak with Mayor Roger Claar, but he refused to help:

“I told him about our situation, and he asked if we had donated to his campaign fund or Heart Haven Outreach.  I said we don’t have any money.  He asked if we voted for him in the last election.  I said no because the undead aren’t allowed to vote in Will and DuPage Counties.  He replied, ‘Then why are we having this conversation?’  The nerve of that man!  If Jackie Traynere had won, I bet she would have listened to us.”

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs released the following statement:  “Although the undead do not have any rights in Bolingbrook, we will let them protest.  They must not tell people that they are not really undead.  We will incinerate any undead who disturb the peace.”

Claar and Theater on the Hill did not respond to requests for comments.

Though Karen says she has no future, she still hopes the protest will improve relations between the living and the undead: “Before my soft flesh completely rots away, and I can finally die, I want to see a world where the undead are respected as sentient beings and not seen as monsters.  Is that too much to ask for?”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar: I still wasn’t born in Pakistan
Bolingbrook First Party working on 24 hour Roger Claar channel
Mud monsters spotted at Lollapalooza
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/9/17