Sources: Bolingbrook to enact ‘Amazon Tax’ (Fiction)

Will Bolingbrook impose a 100% tax on online purchases?  Sources with relatives close to village government officials say yes.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

“Amazon is attacking our local businesses and printing fake news about our President,” said one source.  “(Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) isn’t going to take it anymore.”

These sources agree that the so-called Amazon Tax will be voted on during a September meeting of the Village Board.  The 100% tax will be imposed only on retailers who do not have a brick-and-mortar presence in Bolingbrook.  Bolingbrook police officers will be allowed collect the tax if they catch any resident receiving merchandise bought from an online retailer.  The tax is expected to hit Amazon, eBay, and Etsy the hardest.  Residents can avoid the tax if they purchase a $100 annual subscription to bolingbrook.com.

“Some people will call this protectionism,” said another source.  “We prefer to think of it as Roger delivering on one of Trump’s promises.  Trump promised to protect American businesses.  Bolingbrook is part of America.  So by protecting our village’s businesses, we’re protecting America’s businesses.  You could say that Roger is making America great again.  Roger is great, but he’s too modest to be our President.”

Blake, who claims to be a member of the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce, praised the proposed tax.  “This tax will generate needed revenue for the village and help all of our members.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz wanted to spend money on an economic development office.  We’re going to make money off this tax instead.”

Joan Z. Phillips, the owner of an Etsy shop in Naperville, opposes the tax.  “Some of my best customers are in Bolingbrook.  I’ll lose them if this tax is passed.  We’re not a major corporation threatening Bolingbrook’s businesses.  We’re a small business trying to earn a living off the Internet.  If this tax succeeds in Bolingbrook, the idea will spread, and we’ll be ruined. Besides, Claar is a Republican. Since when do Republicans propose new taxes?”

Amazon sent an unsigned e-mail stating that they are not worried about the tax:

“All we have to do is open a Whole Foods store in Bolingbrook, and we will be exempt from the tax.  There is a reason we bought Whole Paycheck besides our desire to sell overpriced groceries over the Internet.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not comment on the existence of the tax.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charlene, we now have a sister city in Pakistan.  This will improve my relations with the local Muslim community and undermine Bolingbrook United’s political base.  Do you understand your role in this?”

“It’s pivot time, Roger.  I took dance classes, so I’m good at pivoting.  In fact, let me read my new press release to you.  ‘Bolingbrook celebrates Sialkot’s liberation from the oppression of unrestrained democracy.  Sialkot will now prosper under a new national government properly balanced between its civilian and military branches.  It is also our wish that someday our police department will be allowed to have a greater say in who governs Bolingbrook.’  What do you think?  We do have to support our older siblings, of course.”

“I’m all too familiar with that.  However, I think I need to explain the concept of sister cities to you.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar apologizes after Trump calls Martian Colonists stupid
Pterodactyl spotted over Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook police arrest Denisovan man for prostitution
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/3/17

From the Webmaster: Maybe Milo and skepticism shouldn’t mix?

By Wendy Onofrey

Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

For some reason, Skeptic decided to post a review of Milo Yiannopoulos’s new book Dangerous.  Let’s just say that if Michael Shermer’s Moral Arc bends towards Milo, then count the staff of the Babbler out.

PZ Myers rightly condemns this favorable review.

Of course, this ‘review’ cites all the usual crap: Christina Hoff Sommers, there is no such thing as rape culture, except that when there is it comes from Islam, the police are the greatest defenders of the black community, and of course, political correctness, identity politics, and cultural Marxism. It’s a totally mindless recitation of the nonsense you get on Reddit and in YouTube comments.

Even Hayley Stevens has problems with the review and what its publication says about the skeptical movement.

Something like skepticism, as an approach to assessing claims and being proactive about tackling harmful misinformation, should be as free from ideologies as possible, and yet certain sections of organized skepticism (read: American, male, rich, and famous) seem to specifically target feminists, “identity politics” and some areas of the LGBTQ community – namely trans* people while writing fond reviews of problematic public figures such as Milo.

When Hayley and PZ agree, that’s a sign that maybe you’re doing something wrong.

To add insult to injury, Phil Torres writes for Salon about what he sees as the descent of New Atheism.

Although the new atheist movement once filled me with a great sense of optimism about the future of humanity, this is no longer the case. Movements always rise and fall — they have a life cycle, of sorts — but the fall of this movement has been especially poignant for me. The new atheists of today would rather complain about “trigger warnings” in classrooms than eliminate rape on campuses. They’d rather whine about “safe spaces” than help transgender people feel accepted by society. They loudly claim to support free speech and yet routinely ban dissenters from social media, blogs and websites.

All in all, it hasn’t been a good week for New Atheism.

Time for me to back to work on the next issue of the Babbler.  The staff on a big story that I plan on posting on Monday or Tuesday.

From the Webmaster: Save Snopes (Mixed)

We’ve had disagreements with Snopes before.  OK, a lot of differences, but we can’t deny that they are one of the best sites on the Internet.  With “fake news” and “alternative facts” flooding the Internet, they’re one of the best places to go for real news and real facts.

Is this the end of Snopes?

Now they’re facing financial problems and a legal dispute which may force them to shut down.

Since our inception, we have always been a self-sustaining site that provides a free service to the online world: we’ve had no sponsors, no outside investors or funding, and no source of revenue other than that provided by online advertising. Unfortunately, we have been cut off from our historic source of advertising income.

We had previously contracted with an outside vendor to provide certain services for Snopes.com. That contractual relationship ended earlier this year, but the vendor will not acknowledge the change in contractual status and continues to essentially hold the Snopes.com web site hostage. Although we maintain editorial control (for now), the vendor will not relinquish the site’s hosting to our control, so we cannot modify the site, develop it, or — most crucially — place advertising on it. The vendor continues to insert their own ads and has been withholding the advertising revenue from us.

Snopes has setup a fundraising page in response.  As of this writing, it’s still short of its $500,000 goal.  Most of the staff of the Babbler, including myself, have donated.

For over twenty years, Snopes has practiced skepticism in its purest form.  If we’re willing to support it, then maybe all of the skeptical readers who frequent Freethought Blogs should too.

Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Mayor Claar tries to replace Trustee Jaskiewicz with an android (Fiction)

Did Mayor Roger Claar offer to replace Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz with an android?  Some sources say yes.

 

“Sure we’ve all heard the phrase, ‘Roger’s robots,’” said one of the sources.  “But I never thought they were real until now.”

The sources agree that Claar was upset after Jaskiewicz gave a speech criticizing Claar for refusing to put two items on the meeting agenda.  After the meeting had adjourned, Claar brought Jaskiewicz into his office.  Most of the sources said that Claar talked about the rumors that his trustees are androids.

According to the sources, Claar said the following:

“You know residents have called my trustees robots, and the Babbler has reported on my android factory.  They’re not telling the whole truth.  All of them are humans.  They have histories you can confirm.  The reality is that my trustees don’t attend the meetings.  Their android doubles do.  It’s a great arrangement.  They can spend more time with their families- and I get trustees who will always vote yes, and give public service announcements.  It also reduces meeting times, which save on our electric bills.”

Next, Claar reportedly made an offer to Jaskiewicz:  “Due to complicated agreements between the New World Order and the Illuminati, I can’t remove you and replace you with an android.  But I can ask you to have an android sit in for you at the village board meetings.  Think about it.  Do you want to be bored at our meetings, or do you want to be home with your family?  I’ll even let you decide which announcements it will make at the end of the meeting.”

Jaskiewicz allegedly replied, “The New World Order and the residents elected me so I could stand up to you.  You’re not going to replace me with one of your robots.”

Claar allegedly answered, “Then I vow to bore you to death so I will be able to replace a foe with a resident!”

Jaskiewicz did not reply before the deadline.

A receptionist for Claar replied that he was busy with intern Charlene, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “So Charlene, I hear you’re organizing an Internet counter-attack against Bob.”

“Yes.  I’ve already written the viral articles.  What do you think of these headlines?  ‘Based Mayor bashes bumbling trustee.’  ‘Awesome mayor destroys anarchist trustee.’ ‘Smart mayor shreds stupid opponent. Why won’t the liberal media report this?’”

“I just adjourned the meeting after he ranted.  I didn’t reply.”

“The article will mention that, but it’s the headline that counts.  No one reads the articles.  Oh!  Which background should I use for the memes?  I have this GIF I call ‘Tired Jaskiewicz.’  I also have an animated GIF called ‘Swiveling Jaskiewicz.’  Which do you like?”

“Before I answer that question, I need to ask you if you used village property to make these items.  Someone could say that they’re for political purposes, and I would be forced to hold a disciplinary hearing.”

“Um.  Aren’t my niece and nephew cute?”

“They are, but I’m a career politician.  That trick won’t work on me.”

“Drat.  Um, I’m sure my parents can donate to your campaign fund.”

“I can accept it, and still give you a fair hearing.”

Also in the Babbler:

Prophet Muhammad argues with Mayor Claar
Bolingbrook’s Bigfoot insists it is not a ghost
Mayor Claar dares Russians to flood Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/27/17

Bolingbrook braces for possible Trump coup attempt (Fiction)

Could President Donald Trump attempt a coup to stop the investigations into his administration?  Some Bolingbrook officials and residents say yes.

Will Russian fighters fly over Bolingbrook?

“It is only a matter of time,” said Sam from Bolingbrook Antifa.  “Trump lacks the patience to undermine our democracy slowly.  So he’s going to use either the military, militias, or Russian Special Forces to become the CEO of our country.  Bolingbrook will be ready to resist Fascism.  We have a private network in case the Internet goes down and an alt-right camouflage.  We would like Mayor Roger Claar to support us, but we will oppose him if we have to.”

Bolingbrook resident Dave, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed he saw TSA officers standing guard on Clover LN:

“I walked up to their station, and one of them approached me.  The TSA officer said, ‘This is a test.  In an actual situation, you would have been required to submit to a secondary search.’  I thought he was joking, but he showed me his badge.  I told him it was a free country, and we have the freedom to use sidewalks.  He said, ‘Not for long.’ I walked away because I didn’t want to hear his explanation.”

A DuPage Township employee, who asked to be called Bob, said he saw Supervisor William Mayer overseeing the delivery of crates of MREs:

“I asked him if he was going to feed an army.  He told me not to talk so loud.  I asked if he was serious.  He asked me what I would do if I suspected that an occupying army was coming to Bolingbrook? Would I have supplies ready for them, or would I let them raid the grocery stores?  I’m glad I don’t have to make those decisions.”

Jill, an employee at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, said she overheard Mayor Claar speaking with the chef of the Nest Bar and Grill.  Claar, according to Jill, asked the chef if he could prepare a menu that would “impress a Russian general.”  The chef, according to Jill said he could:

“When he started to ask questions about the Russian general, Roger showed him pictures of his granddaughter, and the chef forgot about his questions.”

Morgan, a long time Bolingbrook resident who asked that we not use his last name, said he was looking forward to the pro-Trump military coup:  “Roger says we need to shake things up in our country.  Nothing shakes things up like our military retaking our country from the Democratic Party!  I can’t wait to use my 150 guns for this patriotic cause!  I hope when it’s over, we get rid of all the amendments and go back to the Constitution of our founders!”

When called for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was tutoring intern Charlene, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Kekistan Appreciation Day goes too far, Charline!  I’m not putting it on the agenda.”

“Come on, Roger.  Real Trump fans will appreciate your devotion to the cause, and we can make Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz look foolish when he votes no.”

“All of my trustees will vote no once he explains Kekistan to them.  Charline, I need to teach you some tried and true Republican dog whistles.”

“This is the age of Trump.  We don’t need dog whistles anymore.  We can use bullhorns now.”

“Don’t remind me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Female time travelers spotted celebrating announcement of the 13th Doctor
Reptoid arrested for impersonating Mayor Claar
Claar confirms alien AI to visit Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/20/17

Report: US communists ‘woefully unprepared for the revolution’ (Fiction)

From the webmaster: I’ve decided to experiment with reposting articles from our previous website.  If it works out, I might make it weekly feature.  With the Refuse Fascism protests coming up this Saturday, I think this article from 12/5/16 is timely. 

While communists in the United States hate President-elect Donald Trump, a new study by a Bolingbrook think-tank says they are “woefully unprepared for the revolution.”

The study, conducted by the Bolingbrook Revolutionary Marxist Party, offers a brutal assessment of communism in The United States.

“There are at least 14 communist organizations in the US. None of them are even close to mounting an armed insurrection.”  The report continues.  “Communists can’t even start a revolution on the South Side of Chicago. The best they could do was have Sunsara Taylor speak at an event with an atheist blogger.”

The report rips into the parties’ strategies.

“US communist parties are only good at getting their banners at the front of marches they didn’t organize, and splintering  Their members spend more time trying to meet their newspaper sales quotas than trying to take over the country.  None of the parties have the tactical and leadership skills necessary to take on the most advanced army in the world.  None of the parties work together.  In the event of a national upheaval, the best some of them can do is contribute to the chaos.  None can bring order to the country, let alone spearhead a global revolution.”

The report did have faint praise for one communist organization.  “Back in the 1980s, Freedom Road Socialist Organization at least gave some thought to fighting a revolution and were somewhat secretive about their plans.  Today they have a Wikipedia page, and they’re fighting over which faction should retain the name.”

The report recommends that all communist groups do all they can to stop cults of personalities from forming within their groups.  “Let’s be honest.  It didn’t work in the USSR.  It resulted in a disaster for China, and it is not working in North Korea.”

The report also recommends two possible paths for the future of US Communism.  The first involves actively recruiting military veterans so communists organizations will have members with the skills necessary to fight a revolution.  The second path involves abandoning Marxism, and creating a “truly revolutionary blueprint for a new world.”

“While we were trying to lecture African Americans on Marx, they formed Black Lives Matter.  While we were dictating Maoist ideas to Native Americans, they formed the Standing Rock movement.  Maybe instead of trying to impose an ideology upon people of color, we should be learning from them instead.”

A statistician, who insisted that we not use her real name, gave the report a mixed review.  “OMG.  This report is just a collection of opinions.  There are almost no numbers.  Though I do agree with one of their points.  Waiting for the revolution is like waiting for Jesus to return.”

US/Russia cyber task force visits Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Ten members of the US/Russia cyber security unit visited Bolingbrook to “secure our friend’s village.”

A member of the Bolingbrook IT Commission, who asked to be called Morpheus, said he was called into the meeting on Sunday morning by Mayor Roger Claar:

“Roger introduced me to the members, who just happened to all be Russians.  They told him that Bolingbrook was susceptible to attack from ISIS and Russia was here to help.  Roger said he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.  I should have reminded him of the story of the Trojan Horse, but I didn’t.”

According to other members of the IT Commission, the meeting started off with one of the task force members handing an envelope to Claar.

“Your AOL password is weak,” one member allegedly said.  “Use this one instead.  ISIS will never be able to crack it.”

According to sources, Claar opened the envelope and read the suggested password:  “Thank you.  Let me use my campaign phone to change my password.  I don’t want ISIS accessing my sensitive e-mails.  Unlike Hillary Clinton, I know how to take security advice!”

The task force members then asked for the property records for all the residents who “are not friends with the Bolingbrook regime”:

“Enemies of our friends tend to have heart conditions.  Our timely intervention could be the difference between life and death.”

Claar allegedly nodded: “That’s very kind of you to help our residents.”

A task force member allegedly replied: “A friend of Trump is a friend of ours.”

After thirteen hours of discussing Village Hall’s cyber security, ways to tap into the internet connections of Bolingbrook residents, and plans to build “a firewall against fake news”, the task force members left the meeting.  Claar then checked his Twitter feed.  Some eyewitnesses said his face turned red.

“Trump just disavowed the commission!”  Claar then called the police to demand the arrest of the task force members.

According to Syntax Error, a “white hat” hacker with ties to Bolingbrook village hall, Bolingbrook wasn’t compromised.  “The police caught the task force members.  I helped patch up the flaws made by those members.  Roger even changed his password on his AOL account.  It could have much worse, but it just turned into a warning about the dangers of social engineering hacking.”

Sources agree that once the task force members were released, Claar promptly banned them from Bolingbrook.

When reached for comment, a receptionist stated that Claar was busy talking to a “real resident,” and couldn’t be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar could be heard talking:

“So let me get this straight.  You’re calling yourself an involuntary celibate because no one in Bolingbrook wants to have sex with you.  I see.  Now you’re saying that you are entitled to a village-appointed girlfriend.  Is that right?  Well, as far as I’m concerned, this is the only thing you are entitled to.”

This was followed by the sound of a phone handset being slammed.

Also in the Babbler:

Former Mayor Ed Rosenthal vows to triumphantly return to Bolingbrook
Aliens cancel meeting with Laci Green
Chicago vampires condemn vampire role-playing game
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/13/17

Web Exclusive: Peotone IL named finalist for site of NWO’s new Chicagoland UFO Base (Fiction)

The New World Order selected Peotone, IL as one of three finalists for a new Chicagoland UFO Base.

Enhanced image of Peotone, IL. (Original by Teemu08)

The selection committee wrote: “Being located in Will County, Peotone offers many of the advantages that Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base has without the disadvantage of being run by a traitorous mayor.”

After the Presidential Election, Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar switched his allegiance to the Illuminati and placed Clow under their jurisdiction.  Failing to remove Claar in the April election, the New World Order started planning a new UFO base.

A spokesman for the Peotone Village President Steven Cross, who asked to be called Carl, said the village is honored to be considered:  “We may never get the third Chicago Airport, but we have a good shot at this UFO base.  Hardly anyone will notice its construction, and the base will be underground.  That means our residents won’t be inconvenienced by the base,  unlike they would by an airport.”

Pamela Z. Stouffer, a spokesperson for Will County’s Interstellar Relations department, credited Will County Board Member Jacqueline Traynere for Peotone making the final three:  “She didn’t win the election against Roger, but she made a lot of connections within the New World Order.  Now we don’t want to get involved in the war with the Illuminati, but we can’t pass up the opportunity to be able to collect taxes from two UFO bases!”

The other sites up for consideration are the South side of Chicago, and Lake County.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel personally wrote the proposal for their site:  “What better way to stick it to Roger than to build a UFO Base in Chicago?  I will waive all taxes on interstellar trade if you promise to pay off our city’s pensions.  Unlike a certain president, we know how to make great deals for the right sentient beings.”

Lake County’s proposal is a classified number of smaller bases connected by subways lines.  Officials say that their plan will allow all of Lake County to profit, rather than one community.

“We get a lot of visitors from the solar system of the Lost Tribes of Israel,” said one county official.  “When they visit our many synagogues, they always complain about the car ride from Bolingbrook.  Under our plans, visitors can land in Lake County, then walk to the synagogue of their choice.  What a concept!”

Lake County started its “charm offensive” by inviting representatives of the New World Order to a party to celebrate their selection.  The Maxwell Street Klezmer Band performed a concert.  County officials, wearing paper bags, told jokes to entertain the audience, and poke fun at Claar and the Illuminati.

“So the Bolingbrook Village Board is touring the solar system in a UFO.  The pilot walks into the cabin and says, ‘There’s a problem with the engines.  We might have to bail out over Earth.’    The pilot goes back to the cockpit.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz gets a parachute.  Mayor Roger Claar grabs the chute.  He says, ‘I am Bolingbrook!  I have to live.’  Roger then jumps out the airlock.  Robert grabs another chute.  Trustee Leroy Brown takes chute from Robert.  ‘I have to live because Roger needs me.’  He jumps out of the airlock.  This happens with each of the other trustees.  Finally, Robert is alone, and the pilot returns.  Robert says, ‘I don’t understand why they grabbed my chute.  There’s more than enough for everyone.’  The pilot says, ‘I don’t understand why they jumped.  We’re still over Jupiter.’”

We get letters (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
Reader’s Editor

Once again, many readers have sent us letters; and once again, I select the best.  It has been challenging the past few months, but I finally have enough for a column.

First, an anonymous resident has a message for the #resistance:

To the Editor

The NRA is right. They’re out to get us, and our President! The only way we can fight back is to hurt the other side!  If they don’t want to be triggered, they should submit to our President and the NRA.  I’m going to buy some more guns, in case I need to defend myself!

Concerned Citizen
Bolingbrook, IL 

I don’t know.  If you have to threaten violence to defend President Donald Trump, maybe you need to rethink your support.  In the meantime, the world is already a violent place.  Let’s not make it worse.

Another Bolingbrook resident thinks the state government has given us an Independence Day gift:

To the Editor:

Did you hear the great news?  There’s no budget!  That means, there’s no state government.  We are free from the shackles of Springfield.  Chicago is isolated!  (Mayor Roger Claar) is free to create and expand Bolingbrook.  Freedom reigns!

John Z. Wellman
Bolingbrook, IL

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way, and Bolingbrook stands to lose state funding that it can’t afford to lose.  We hope that the situation gets resolved this week, with minimal damage to the state.

Speaking of Bolingbrook, this reader offers her perspective on the 6/13/17 Village Board meeting:

To the Editor:

The Bolingbrook First Party claims that it supports Mayor Roger Claar, and is opposed to the Bolingbrook United Party.

Let’s look at one simple fact:  In the June meeting, all the members of Bolingbrook First voted with Bolingbrook United’s Robert Jaskiewicz 90 percent of the time.  This alliance between Bolingbrook First and Bolingbrook United is unholy and is a betrayal of Roger!

In April of 2018, everyone will have the chance to vote for the only political party that fully supports Roger!  The Roger Claar party is the only party you should be voting for next year.  Why? Because we will amend the village charter to disqualify any candidates or office holders who do not fully support Roger.  This is the key to reuniting Bolingbrook!

Don’t waste your time with the so-called Bolingbrook First Party.  Next year, vote for the party that is proud to name itself after Roger Claar!

Megan X Sherman
Roger Claar Party (Not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar)
Bolingbrook, IL

It could be, or it could be that there were no controversial issues on the agenda, and Jaskiewicz wasn’t going to vote against Claar for the sake of voting against Claar.

That’s all for this week.  Have a fun and safe Fourth of July.  Maybe we’ll see you at The All-American Celebration?

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar looks for oil in his backyard
Aliens offer to invade Illinois, ‘to restore order’
Bolingbrook police raid illegal tank factory
God to spare Bolingbrook this week