Village of Bolingbrook defends advertising on Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs insists that its advertisement on the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere is not political.

Bolingbrook’s ad is featured on the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere.

Doug C. Baker, a spokesperson for the department, explained:  Sure, the phrase, ‘When you think of Earth, think Bolingbrook First’ can seem like an ad for Mayor Roger Claar’s political party.  That is not the proper view.  Interstellar visitors have a choice of hundreds of UFO bases to visit.  We’re just asking them to think of Bolingbrook first.  Our mission is to promote Clow UFO Base, and that’s what we’re doing!”

In addition to the slogan, the advertisement also features a picture of Claar.  The font used for “Bolingbrook First” is the same font that the Bolingbrook First party use for their logo.  Both fonts are the same colors, which are also part of the official colors for Bolingbrook.

While the village denies it is an ad, Bolingbrook United, Bolingbrook’s other political party, has their doubts.  Jean Z. Burns, who works for Bolingbrook United’s office at Clow, believes it is a political ad:  “Roger’s insulting our intelligence!  Of course, it is an ad.  Roger just finished delaying a trustee (Robert Jaskiewicz’s) swearing in, and he’s already starting the 2019 campaign.  It stinks that he can post ads on a Dyson sphere, and we can’t.  Speaking of stink, when are we going to get rid of the cat pee smell around here?”

Loikxdz, the administrator of the Tabby’s Star Dyson Sphere Preservation Society, denies the ad is political.  “Ads help us preserve one of the oldest Dyson spheres in the galaxy.  Roger is very generous with the Department of Interstellar Affair’s promotional budget.  This money will help us educate the galaxy about our historic megastructure.  Oh, did you know that they built this without using lasers or radio signals to communicate?  Incredible isn’t it.  I’m sure that’s what’s confusing your low-level astronomers.  Oh, our Dyson sphere has the largest and highest resolution display screen in the galaxy.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

“Darn, I have the wrong SOP manual.  I need the one for calls from the Babbler.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charline did a great job on the press release for Trustee Leroy Brown’s recognition as a Rotary Club Paul Harris Fellow.

A man who sounded like Trustee Rick Morales said: “I thought the Valley View school district wrote that press release.”

“I go wherever I am needed,” said Charline.

Claar then said, “I’ve asked Charline to write a press release about your upcoming speech to the Bolingbrook Jaycees.”

“Yes,” said Charline.  “I will say that you are the first non-member in this area to be named a Mary Scholar and are going to be inducted into Shawn’s Circle of Power!  The highest honor the Bolingbrook Jaycees can bestow upon a non-member.  Don’t worry.   Roger will still be a 33rd and 1/3 degree Jaycee so you won’t outrank him.”

“Charline, all I’m doing is giving a presentation on the lost art of balancing a checking account.  It sounds like you’re going to lie about my speech.”

“Impossible,” said Charline.  “The weak lie.  The powerful mold their truth onto reality.  You’re not weak.”

“I would appreciate it if you would go along.”  Said Claar.  “These releases will help us in our campaign against Bolingbrook United.”

Morales sighed.  “If I disobey you, Roger, Bolingbrook will descend into anarchy.  I’ll do it!”

“Good.  Charline, when you are done with Rick’s press release, I need you to write about my visit to Saint Francis of Assisi.”

“Sure!”

“Rick, I’ve always been a patron.  Thanks to Charline, now I will be able to add the word “saint.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook police arrest man who turned own home into a country
Taste of Bolingbrook 2017 is the first without an alien incident
Mayor Claar rejects UFO version of Lisle’s Eyes to the Skies
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/21/17

Web Exclusive: Lord Buckethead escapes Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Intergalactic Lord, arms dealer, and British politician Lord Buckethead escaped Clow UFO Base with the help of commandos.

File photo of Lord Buckethead by By Jonathan Harvey – Jonathan Harvey, CC BY-SA 4.0.

The breakout, which many sources consider the greatest security breach in Clow’s history, resulted in billions of dollars in damage.  Ten staff members suffered minor injuries.

“It’s was horrible!”, said an anonymous staffer.  “I dove under a table when the explosions started.  I really got scared when the Men in Blue started falling asleep.  When the explosions stopped, I got up and looked out my window.  There was a huge hole in the ceiling over the courtyard.  A small craft landed in the yard.  I was amazed that the drones didn’t attack it.  Anyway, Lord Buckethead and five commandos ran towards the ship.  When Lord Buckethead reached the craft, he did a dab then boarded.  I will never like that dance again!”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar was just starting a board meeting when told of the attack.  He called an executive session and pretended it was to discuss a pending legal case.  Once in a secure room, Claar tried to remotely revive the Men in Blue while IT staff tried to reboot’s Clow’s defenses.

After Lord Buckethead’s escape, Claar addressed the trustees.  The following is from the minutes of that executive session:

Mayor Roger Claar, a true Bolingbrook resident, honest to a fault, and a member of Bolingbrook First party, which always puts Bolingbrook first, said that he suspected Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the dishonest Bolingbrook United party, was behind the escape.

Jaskiewicz, who ran against the noble Bolingbrook First Party, who dishonestly asserted that Mayor Claar wasn’t the savior of Bolingbrook, and ran evil campaign ads that said Bolingbrook United was the best party for Bolingbrook, said he had nothing to do with the attack.  Jaskiewicz then questioned the wonderful Illuminati’s ability to defend Clow.

Lord Buckethead was held at Clow after being captured by the Illuminati during his visit to the United States.  The Illuminati charged him with illegal public actions and illegal arms trading.  Lord Buckethead, in between obscene comments, said he had a permit from the New World Order to run for Parliament, and did not respect the Illuminati.  Illuminati officials told him that they are at war with the New World Order, and he would have one day to decide to defect to the Illuminati or be executed after a show trial.

After his escape, Lord Buckethead released the following statement:

I don’t know what was worse: Being threatened with execution, or listening to Bolingbrook’s mayor whine about a governor he helped elect.  The civil war between Earth’s secret societies is turning your planet into a globe of (expletive deleted).  To the pathetic government of Bolingbrook:  I, Lord Buckethead, will now offer a discount on my car mounted laser guns to anyone who races cars on 95th Street!  Let the wreckage of Bolingbrook’s police cars be a lesson to any village that dares to detain me!

When reached for comment, a receptionist for the Village said he was busy.

“There’s a SOP for calls from you guys.  Let me look it up.”

In the background, a young woman said, “I wish would Roger would hurry up.”  She started to sing:  “How do you like my dab?/How do you like my dab?/How do—“

After a pause, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t.”

Aliens apologize for participating in anti-Sharia law protest (Fiction)

At a press conference at Clow UFO Base, three aliens apologized for protesting Sharia law in Chicago. They apologized because they felt it really promoted hatred of Muslims.

“We heard bad things about Sharia law,” said Glopgax from Wolf 1061c.  “So I put on a human suit and joined the protest.  The counter-protesters started calling us racist; I realized that maybe there was something else going on.”

Bogoxt, from Kepler 442b, said she just wanted to have fun:  “I just went for the cosplay.  I wondered what I could do with the red, white, blue and orange theme.  They liked my costume and offered to let me hold the flag of Kekistan.  I was curious, so I looked it up online.  I discovered that it was a so-called “ironic” meme used to cover up its believers’ racism and sexism.  I handed the flag back and ran away.  I’m so sorry!  Can you forgive me?”

Leedez, from Wolf 1061c, said ze didn’t learn know about the organizers until ze participated in the protest: “I wanted to find out about the group organizing the national rallies, ACT for America.  When I found out that their leader, Brigitte Gabriel, said that Muslims couldn’t be loyal US citizens, I realized that maybe this wasn’t the rally for me.”

Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, who organized the press conference, said he had arranged a meeting so the aliens could meet scholars and local Islamic leaders to discuss Sharia law.  They could also use the meeting to apologize to the Muslim Association of Bolingbrook if they wanted to.

Jaskiewicz added that Bolingbrook’s residents and visiting aliens had nothing to fear from Sharia law:

“In the United States, the US Constitution is the supreme law of the land.  There is no ordinance or court ruling that can change that.  Secular law governs everyone within the United States.  That includes Bolingbrook.”

After the press conference, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar approached Jaskiewicz.

Claar: “You know the goal of the Illuminati is to create global chaos, and we could use alien allies to achieve that goal.”

Jaskiewitz: “The goal of the New World Order is to build a just global harmony, and harmony is an idea worth spreading to other worlds.”

Claar: “Speaking of other worlds, Brodowski.”

Jaskiewitz: “Jaskiewicz.”

Claar: “Close enough.  This summer, the board is taking a trip to the planet Gaxton.  We’re going to meet with trade representatives from the Andromeda Galaxy, and we’re going to stay at a luxury resort.  This is all paid for by my interstellar campaign fund, by the way.  We’ve also got skybox seats for a Melodysheep concert.  That’s not the best part.  The best part of the trip is that each night we’ll be able to watch the Milky Way galaxy rise from the horizon, like a second dawn.  It’s an amazing sight that has changed the lives of all whom have witnessed it.  Guess who’s staying on Earth?”

Also in the Babbler:

Werewolves allowed to march in Bolingbrook Pet Parades as humans only
Claar rules that aliens can only sell BBQ sauce at MarketPlace
Bolingbrook man: ‘I was wrongly fired for ironically called my boss stupid’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/16/17

Manchester Mumbler: Richard Dawkins writes “Dear Fanny” letter to PM Theresa May (Fiction)

Note:  All spellings have been converted to US English.

Sources say that scientist and professional atheist Richard Dawkins wrote a “Dear Fanny” letter to PM Teresa May:

Richard Dawkins and James Randi

File photo of Richard Dawkins and James Randi from TAM 8.

“I guess Richard was really mad about the general election result,” said one source.  “Especially since the Liberal Democrats are still weak, and the Prime Minister might make an alliance with the Democratic Unionist Party.

Many sources confirmed the text of the letter:

Dear Fanny:

Oh, pipe down you silly person.  Yes, you might lose your right to choose an abortion.  Too bad your children might have to face the abuse of learning creationism in school.  Quit your whining about gay rights.  They probably don’t need them anyway.  Stop complaining about the climate.  Learn to swim, wear sunscreen, and think of famine as an opportunity to lose weight!  It’s not so bad that you’re stuck inside a hard border.  You also shouldn’t complain that your NHS money will be going to some unstable backwater of the British Empire.  The biggest concern is that a woman who calls herself Prime Minister needs to form a majority in Parliament.  She lost her majority because she just had to call an early election.  Isn’t that terrible?  So grow some thick skin and stop whining!  At least you aren’t suffering under a Labour government!

Sincerely

Richard Dawkins

Many of the sources say May did not respond well to the letter.

One source explained:  “She wrote back saying that he wasn’t helping.  I suppose this will eventually lead to a Twitter war with the Prime Minister.  We’ll see who gets the last laugh once she controls access to the Internet.”

Dawkins and May could not be reached for comment.

A spokesperson for the Center for Inquiry neither confirmed or denied that the letter was authentic.

“If Richard did write it, then he was obviously trying to make a nuanced point that could be expressed in 147 words.”

No one from the DUP could be reached for comment.

A spokesperson for the Northern Ireland Nationalist Atheist Party released the following statement:

“In keeping with Irish atheist tradition, we will blame PZ Myers for the hung British Parliament.  There will be a 100,000-word post explaining our reasoning.  This post will also blame him for Catholicism, the British Occupation of Northern Ireland, and One Direction!”

Also in the Manchester Mumbler:

Virgin Group begins renovating Kinder Scout UFO Base
Ghost of Paul McCartney spotted in Liverpool
Underworld fail to break world record for longest concert
Dawkins to ignite Twitter on 13/6/17

Web Exclusive: Skeptic Society named official skeptic organization of the Illuminati (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Skeptics Society is now the official skeptical organization of the Illuminati.

A UFO greets the Skeptics Society at Clow UFO Base.

First Lady Melania Trump announced the decision during a press conference at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  She explained that since evicting the Center for Inquiry, and Skepchick, from all Illuminati controlled bases, a “debunking gap” has formed.

“The illegal New World Order advertise that they have the best debunkers working for them.  That is an alternative fact!  Our alliance with the Skeptics Society means that we not only have the best UFO debunkers in the world, we also have the best gas lighters, period.  Illuminati bases are now the only rational choice for any visitors to the best planet in the universe.”

Mrs. Trump then introduced the Skeptics Society Executive Director Michael Shermer.  She praised his efforts to “subtlety” encourage atheists to support President Donald Trump.

“Michael knows that my husband is the key to transitioning from global order to global chaos.  It is natural that he would choose to ally his society with the Illuminati.”

Shermer reached for Mrs. Trump as she approached the table.  Mrs. Trump and her guards glared at him.  Shermer backed away, then addressed the press:

“The human race has been fooled into believing that the New World Order has made the world better.  The mind of the market makes the world better.  I support the Illuminati’s efforts to liberate the world’s markets! Fnord!”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar welcomed Shermer and the new embassy staff members to Clow UFO Base:

“When I need a UFO sighting debunked, I will be happy to only deal with one group of skeptics.  Skepchick staffers were OK, even if I didn’t agree with them.  With CFI, I never knew where they stood.  One minute they were liberal.  The next they were conservative.  You never knew.  With the Skeptics Society, I know I’m dealing with an organization that is committed to the goals of the Illuminati.  Ford!”

Claar then announced the cancellation of the Skeptics Guide to the Universe live recording at Clow.  As the aliens expressed disapproval, Claar explained that he made the decision because the SGU were still loyal to the New World Order.

Next, he introduced two members of the Skepticality Team: Tim Farley, and Derek Colanduno.  Skepticality would be substituting for the SGU because they are the official podcast of the Skeptics Society.

A reporter said, “I think I remember Skepticality.  Will Swoopy be part of the live recording?”

“No,” answered Claar.  “She’s too busy with school work.”

The aliens expressed their disappointment.

“(Expletive Deleted) you!”  Said Colanduno.  “I work hard to produce these episodes!”

Shermer walked backstage as Colanduno calmed down.

Farley, who seemed to be in a better mood, said he was excited about the upcoming recording.  “What’s the harm in supporting the Illuminati?  There is no harm!  It’s great, and I can’t wait to touch the glowing orb.  Fnord!”

Colanduno said it was time to look forward.  “I don’t want to harp on the past. I can’t keep looking in my rear view mirror. Brian Dunning said it best: We have purged the irrational and emotional frauds, and now have a pure skeptical movement that is dedicated to reason and—”  He jumped up from his chair.  “Science!”

Shermer then was tossed back onto the stage when something crash landed on the table.  An alien from Barnard’s Star planet walked out.

“When I say leave me alone, I mean leave me alone!” , said the alien as she walked away.

Shermer stood up.  “Female oversensitivity seems to be a universal problem.”  Shemer laughed, but no one else did.  “Now we will show the funky side of skepticism by inviting George Hrab on stage for a special performance.”

Claar then inquired: “I thought Tim Minchin was going to be the performer?”

Shermer replied: “He insisted on playing the Pope Song in front of Melania.  So I had to send him home.”

Claar: “Good choice.  I think we’ve had enough free speech here for one day.”

Some Cavalcade of Planes visitors got a surprise UFO ride (Fiction)

By Reporter X

About 40 visitors to the Cavalcade of Planes at Clow Airport got a surprise ride aboard a UFO.

“I was just waiting in line when I noticed that my family started floating,” said Tim, who asked that we not use his last name.  “The odd part is that no one else seemed to notice.”

According to all guests interviewed, visitors were taken to an observation deck and greeted by Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  Claar told them that they were randomly selected to receive a free UFO ride.  He also told them their tickets to the Cavalcade would be refunded, and they could go on the other rides for free.

Beth, who asked that we not use her last name, was pleased with the announcement:  “I thought we were going to be probed, but instead, we met a very kind mayor.  I’m sorry I ever doubted the Babbler.  Your village is awesome!”

The guests say their UFO ride started with an aerial tour of Bolingbrook, followed by a quick trip to Chicago, where they flew circles around Willis Tower.

Tim said: “The alien’s cloaking technology is amazing.  We got so close that we could look inside the windows.  The offices were closed, so it was OK!  We weren’t spying.”

The craft then flew to the Moon and gave the visitor a few of its far side.

“I used to call it the dark side of the Moon,” said Beth. “But now I know it isn’t always dark.  It looks so different from this angle.  I didn’t know there were alien bases and mother ships back there!”

The craft descended towards the Moon and hovered a few inches over the surface.  The crew then collected samples of moon dust and gave each guest a small bag.

Tim stated: “Roger said the moon dust was also free.  It was such a generous gift!  I’m going to put it on my bookshelf!”

The craft next returned to Clow, parked in a secret hanger.  As they left, the guests met the crew.

“They appeared kind of gross,” said Beth.  “But they were smart and generous.  So I can’t complain.”

The guests walked by tables with souvenirs. There were also credit card machines that allowed the guests to make a donation to Claar’s campaign fund.

“I’m sure this cost him a fortune,” said Tim.   “I figured I should at least give him my life’s savings.  Who needs a house when you’ve seen the far side of the moon?”

Charles, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, denied that the rides were a fundraising event for Claar:

“Roger put a lot of work into organizing this.  Yes, the craft was free, but Roger loves Bolingbrook, and the best way to love Roger back is to donate to his campaign fund.”

When reached for comment, a person at Claar’s home said he was busy.  In the background, a man who sounded like Claar cleared his throat:

“You know I put a lot of work into welcoming your business to Bolingbrook, and I do have to fight off a political party that wouldn’t work as hard for you?  Why yes, I do have a campaign fund.  What?  You’d rather donate to a Bolingbrook Super PAC?  Well you know I can’t coordinate with a Super PAC so—  You’re fine with that?  What if I need to buy gas for my car?  Use my salary?”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens offer moment of silence for victims of London attacks
Bolingbrook warns residents about bored teenager syndrome
Phantom Press attacks Freethought Blogs
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/7/17

Web Exclusive: Alien drops coal plant in front of Bolingbrook Village Hall (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook authorities are looking for an alien who dropped a miniature coal plant in front of Village Hall.  A note, left by the alien, said it was in protest of President Donald Trump withdrawing the US from the Paris Climate Agreement:

“Mayor Roger Claar must have a CO2 fetish because he worked so hard to get Donald Trump elected.  If Roger desires CO2 so much that he is willing to destabilize Earth’s climate and threaten human civilization, then may he please accept my gift.”

The alien dropped the six-foot tall coal plant around midnight, then fled in a cloaked UFO.  The plant automatically started burning coal.  The Men in Blue successfully shut down the plant before it could alter Bolingbrook’s carbon footprint.

“Bolingbrook is building a reputation as Naperville south,”  said an official who asked to remain anonymous.  “Coal Plants would harm that reputation, which why we had to shut down the plant.”

Other sources confirm that the plant was moved away from Village Hall before residents could notice it.  They also confirmed that Illuminati clerics are examining the plant to determine its origin.

Claar could not be reached for comment.

Two aliens charged with impersonating Shopkins (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs charged two Proxima Centauri aliens, impersonating Shopkins, with endangering human minors.

“This is unacceptable!”  Said Jill Z. Parker, spokesperson for the department.  “Bolingbrook has strict rules regulating our visitors’ interactions with children.  We also have the toughest rules for examining children.  So let me assure you, we will punish those aliens, regardless of what the Interstellar court rules!”

Shopkins are collectible toys that are very popular among young children and adults obsessed with collecting toys.  Characters are based on grocery or retail items.  The Retail Tracking Service named Shopkins the best selling toy of 2015.  In addition to the figures, they also have a web series, a movie, and trading cards.

Though Shopkins figures are only 1 inch tall, eyewitnesses said the aliens were about 6’ 5” tall and wore furry Shopkins costumes.

“Those costumes were a kid magnet!”  Said an anonymous eyewitness.  “No little kid can resist a person in a furry outfit!  Those aliens are evil!’

A Bolingbrook officer, who asked not to be named, said he saw one of the aliens:

“I was on patrol when one of the neighborhood kids waved me down.  She said, ‘I saw Kooky Cookie in my best friend’s backyard.  I don’t think that’s right.’  I had no idea who Kooky Cookie was, but I had to check it out.  I followed the kid, and then a caught a glimpse of a giant cookie.  I wasn’t sure if it was a pervert in a suit or an alien.  So I called the department, and tailed it until they met up with me.”

Jen, who asked that we not use her last name, said she walked into her backyard and saw her son playing with the two aliens:

“One looked like a giant cookie.  The other looked like a giant blue cake.  They looked familiar, but I didn’t recognize them at the time.  Anyway, I told my son not to play with strangers.  He said, ‘They’re not strangers.  They’re Shopkins!’  Good thing the Men in Blue arrived when they did.  Otherwise, I don’t know how I was going to fight them off.”

Koxmodox, the lawyer for the aliens, insisted his clients were innocent.  “This is all a big misunderstanding.  They didn’t want to kidnap anyone.  They just wanted to make the children of Bolingbrook happy.  Wouldn’t you do that for a species you know has no future?  (Mayor Roger Claar) should give each of them a medal, and drop all the charges.”

Charline Z. Spencer, a public relations for the Village of Bolingbrook, said Claar could not be bothered.

“You must be Reporter X.  I can tell by your distorted voice.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar spoke:  “Absolutely not.  I swore that Bolingbrook would never become a sanctuary village.  No exceptions!  Go hide from your constituents somewhere else, Roskam!”