Bolingbrook officials held a Memorial Day ceremony to remember the participants in the Bolingbrook Time War. The war started on April 6, 1984, when invaders from the year 3000 AD launched a surprise attack against Bolingbrook.
“For two days, outsiders tried to destroy our village,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar. “Maybe they were future inhabitants of Cook County: we may never know. But we do know, that when Bolingbrook united around a single leader and did exactly what that leader said without question, Bolingbrook prevailed against a technologically superior foe!”
The Bolingbrook Time War lasted for two days. The time-traveling army was not aware of the existence of Clow UFO base, and its advanced defenses. This advantage allowed the Village to put up some resistance against the invaders. Over the course of the war, it is believed that 90% of Bolingbrook’s residents were killed, along with 50% of Naperville’s residents, and 40% of Romeoville’s residents.
The war ended when a squad of Men in Blue snuck into the invaders’ base camp. They used their time machine to travel forward in time to just before the prototype of the invaders’ time machine was activated. The squad set off an atomic bomb, destroying their time machine, and the knowledge of how to travel backward in time. Bolingbrook then reverted to its pre-war state.
Though technically no one died, each Memorial Day, village officials hold a secret ceremony in which they lay a wreath in honor of the victims “that once were” and remember a war that most residents have forgotten.
During this year’s ceremony, Claar, without attribution, stated that the invaders wanted to prevent the rise of a “future great leader” who would come from Bolingbrook:
“I don’t know who that great leader will be, but this war shows the importance respecting all great leaders in Bolingbrook.”
Traditionally, the other trustees deliver speeches. Claar said that the members of the Bolingbrook First party would remain silent in memory of recently defeated Trustee Sheldon Watts. All Bolingbrook First party members wore black during the ceremony.
Claar then looked at Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz and said, “Jaruzelski!”
Jaskiewicz came to the podium. He said that the lesson to be learned from the Bolingbrook Time War is not to follow leaders blindly:
“From what former Mayor Ed Rosenthal has told me, I see the lesson of the Bolingbrook time war like this: Even though the air was filled with death rays and drones, there were still different viewpoints on what to do. Ed took the time to listen to those voices, including the voice of a trustee who wouldn’t stop talking about the wallpaper in the mayor’s bathroom. Once Ed listened to those voices, he made the best choice and saved Bolingbrook. Today, there are many voices in Bolingbrook, and we shouldn’t be afraid to listen to them.”
After the ceremony, the trustees walked towards the subway train going to Village Hall. Claar stopped Jaskiewicz.
“Close enough. We’re going to watch the Memorial Day Carnival from the observation deck. We’re going to have catered food, quality beverages, a virtual rollercoaster, and decent live bands. Guess who isn’t invited?”
Also in the Babbler:
President Trump asks Claar for advice on ghosts
Sam Harris reveals plans to take over the world
The Babbler remembers those who died so we can have the freedom to write about Bolingbrook
God to spare Bolingbrook this week