Merry Christmas! Gourd Bless Us, Everyone!

In that time, Caesar Ebenezer commanded a world census, requiring all inhabitants register at their place of birth.

Joseph, fiancé of Merry, who was with child, left Nazareth to return to Bethlehem, located due south of Sombertown.

Prior to departing Nazareth, Charlie in the Box, an emissary of The Great Pumpkin, came to Merry in a dream and said to her, “You will give birth to a son, who will be called Tiny Tim, and The Great Pumpkin will seat him upon David’s throne, where he will rule Israel forever and deliver them from their iniquities.”

When her time came, she delivered a son, as Charlie had foretold. And she wrapped him in blankets in a manger, because she had heard that children raised around animals were less inclined toward allergies.

It was also during this time the sovereign of the region, Burgermeister Meisterburger, received three astrologers, Balthazar, Cratchit, and Ralphie, who had traveled far, from the Mountain of the Whispering Winds, to inquire after the new king of Israel, revealed to them by a vision of a frosty snowman in the sky, pointing his carrot nose toward the sacred place.

This troubled the Meisterburger, who consulted his advisor, the Winter Warlock, who, upon peering into a magic snowball, recalled a forgotten prophecy, that a great ruler would be born near Sombertown. He then spoke these words to the Meisterburger:

“From the city without toys, without ribbons, without tags, from the city without packages, boxes or bags, will come the greatest among the rulers of Judah; a king, to shepherd all Israel.”

Hearing this, Meisterburger was further disturbed and instructed the astrologers to search for the new king and report his location so that he, too, could pay homage to the great child, secretly meaning to kill him.

Upon leaving, the three astrologers examined the night sky for a sign, until Charlie appeared, hovering above them, and bouncing his way toward Merry and her child. When they arrived at the stable, they proceeded to praise the child and bestow upon him gifts of gold, candy apples and gum. A modest meal was made ready, and a roast beast was carved and shared among the small company, served with one of those cans of cranberry sauce, that shloop out as a single cylinder of gel. And they sang Christmas carols and toasted the occasion with egg nog and spiced cider, warmed by the glow of a nearby Christmas tree.

As they prepared for their journey back to the Burgermeister, Charlie came to them again, to warn of the Meisterburger’s treachery. They, therefore, traveled to the Mountain of the Whispering Winds in secret, selling their Polar Express tickets on eBay, and instead using a hat filled with Christmas magic to secure their passage home.

At the same time, shepherds were keeping watch over their reindeer at night. And Charlie appeared to them also, and they were afraid because his box popped open so suddenly. But the enchanted toy saw he had surprised them and said, “Fear not, for I bring joyful news! The Great Pumpkin has sent to you a savior, born this night, and this will be a sign for you that you will see a strange reindeer in the sky with a shiny red nose.”

Suddenly, surrounding Charlie, a great company of misfit toys appeared in the sky singing:

“Glory to the Fattest Gourd in the highest pumpkin patch, and Gourd bless us, everyone!”

And when the toys had gone back to the heavenly pumpkin patch, the shepherds agreed to travel to see this wonder revealed to them by the The Gourd’s own messenger.

The same night they came upon Joseph, Merry and the baby in the manger. And after beholding the child, they left and indiscreetly told all who would listen, so that everyone was amazed and news spread through the land. Returning to their reindeer, the shepherds praised The Pumpkin for all they had experienced.

As word spread toward the Meisterburger’s ears, Charlie warned Joseph to flee with his family to Egypt to escape the sovereign’s wrath, so that Jospeh and his small family did as the messenger advised.

But when the Meisterburger saw he was betrayed by the astrologers, he was enraged and sent an army of Bumbles, armed with official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifles, to hunt down all children under the age of two, and wash their mouths out with Lifebuoy, but no one would reveal the whereabouts of the infant king.

After not much time, the Burgermeister died, and Charlie again appeared to Joseph and instructed him to return to Israel. But the Meister’s son, Mr. Grinch, was reigning in his father’s stead, so that Joseph was afraid to go near Sombertown.

It was a silent night as Joseph sat alone, considering his predicament. Much to his surprise, two turtle doves flew across the room and landed, each one, upon his shoulders, and in that same moment, the Ghost of Christmas Future appeared and, without a word, ominously pointed one bony finger toward the ceiling.

Joseph heard a noise on the roof, and upon running out into the snow to investigate, he discovered an elf who laughed, “Beho-ho-hold, I am Santa, and this is my team of flying reindeer! Merry Christmas to all!” And Joseph stood, wondering at the sight of reindeer and an elf upon his roof. So he and his family traveled in Santa’s flying sleigh, while Rudolph led them all the way to Nazareth.

The shepherds in the field, observed the skies as they kept watch, and when they saw Rudolph, they recalled the words of Charlie, “a strange reindeer in the sky with a shiny red nose,” so all that had been foretold did, indeed, come to pass.


  1. ironchops says

    Since Mary was about to pop and they (Joseph and his pregnant 13 year old wife) had to travel I’ll wager the she rode Joseph’s ass the whole way!
    Since Jesus is referred to as the lamb and figuring he was little when he was born, I guess it is true that Mary had a little lamb!

  2. Curt Cameron says

    Nice! Only slightly more of a mash-up than the typical creche showing the the three wise men in the stable.

    I think I got all the references, although 24 hours ago I would have missed the one about the shepherds being afraid when Charlie’s box opened suddenly – I saw Elf for the first time just last night.

    I kept waiting for a reference to A Charlie Brown Christmas, but I don’t think there was one. I’ll just imagine Vince Guaraldi music while I read it.

  3. EnlightenmentLiberal says

    To Tracie,
    I think that celebration of the undead would make excellent additions to other secular holidays such as Christmas.
    (Partially snark, and partially serious. <3 me some zombies.)

  4. grumpyoldfart says

    It was time for god to have a holiday but he couldn’t decide where to go. Andromeda was too far away. The Orion Nebula was too dusty. Pluto was too cold…

    “What about planet Earth?” said one of the angels.

    “Hell no. I’m never going back there again,” said god. “I was down there about 2,000 years and slept with some woman named Mary – and they’re still talking about it!”

  5. EnlightenmentLiberal says

    Note: I used to use the census story as an obvious bullshit in the New Testament. Unfortunately, I was very wrong. Richard Carrier makes some compelling arguments how the story isn’t all that bullshit, and how it could be a fairly accurate description, with a couple of minor background errors.

    In short, the idea of an entire census across the land is ludicrous. However, local censuses did happen, and if you owned land, or had some other considerations, you needed to be in town at the time of the census, in order to ensure that the local officials didn’t screw you over financially, which might happen as part of a census. So, the idea that you had to go back to the land of your great, great, etc., ancestor is ridiculous, but the idea that you might have to go to another town to watch over your financial affairs during a census is quite realistic.

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