Hate Mail From Jesus

This little missive arrived this evening from the Son of God. That would be Jesus@ one of those free email hosts:

Yes, i saw your show and how you motherfuckers were dissing my Dad.
I just wanted to say FUCK U ALL. Hell is not a fun place motherfuckers. I died on the cross and sacrificed my life for you assholes to not only deny Me but my Father as well? GO TO HELL. ALL OF YOU ATHEISTS ARE GOING TO HELL YOU WILL BURN FOR ETERNATY. You will experince your gratest nightmares down there. How can you be so ungratefull for everything you have. You keep calling my Father and the “Invisible man up in the sky”. I guess he will just take air and gracity away since those are invisible as well and you probably dont belive in them as well.

Damn, Jesus. Not much gets by you, does it? The show’s only been on the air for going on 13 years, and already you’ve found us. Why, that’s almost as impressive as all those fulfilled prophecies.

One thing does disappoint me, though. I would have expected the messiah to be a better speller.


  1. says

    My mother always told me that using curse words makes Baby Jesus cry. I wonder if Jesus using curse words makes Baby Jesus cry…I declare a time paradox!

  2. Wired For Sound says

    "One thing does disappoint me, though. I would have expected the messiah to be a better speller."Be kind. English isn't Jesus's first language.

  3. says

    Oh NOES, don't take away my's gracity!Haha. Haven't looked at viewer mail since this morning–see what I'm missing?!

  4. Félix Desrochers-Guérin says

    He didn't mention sending someone to punch you in the head, did he?

  5. says

    It's a lot funnier if you see the trollful nature of the mail. And in the case that this wasn't troll fodder, well, consider me convinced!

  6. says

    @Félix Desrochers-GuérinMatt is the one he's sending to be punched in the face.I think he'll just do the locusts thing for Jen. Who knows?

  7. says

    I think it's rather funny how I get banned from christian places on the internet for pretending to be God, because it's blasphemy. I guess it's okay though, as long as you're blaspheming in order to tell atheists they are going to hell.

  8. says

    Teehee. Technically isn't pretending to be god or jesus one breaking one of the rules or commandments or something? You'd sort of expect jesus to have his own internet domain address too. so instead of jesus@ free email host.com it would be jesus@holy trinity.com or something. I mean, surely daddy could pull a few strings to give him his own web address?

  9. says

    It never ceases to amuse me when "Christians" say stupid shit like, "All of you atheists will burn in hell!" as if it's some sort of threat.That's like saying, "The Easter Bunny will eat your eyes out in your sleep!"GAWD, just when I think people have hit the bottom of the Stupid Tree, they shoot for the roots…

  10. says

    @Godlessons I have to agree. It seems that it's okay to commit blasphemy in order to tell us off and condemn us to hell. I think I can speak for most of us on this forum, when I say that I smell hypocrisy.

  11. says

    It would have been much more of a real sacrifice if Jesus died and went to hell, as opposed to heaven. I'm going to go ahead and sacrifice my little red wagon for you guys. It's okay, I have a Corvette waiting for me.

  12. skepticmatt says

    Traditionally, messiahs and prophets are illiterate. This guy is an improvement.

  13. says

    A little spell checking goes a long way!"yes, i sawed yore sho and howl ewe mutherphuckers where pissing mi Dhad. eye gust wanted too say PHUCKUALL. Hayel is knot a phun place mutherphuckers. Eye dyed on thee cross sand sacrificed mi lyfe fore ewe assouls too knot on lee denye mee butt my Farter ass whale? GOE TWO HAYEL. AWE OFF EWE ATHEISTS R GOINK TWO Hayel EWE WHEEL BERN FOUR ETERNATY. EWE wheel experince yore gratest nite mares down thare. Howl kan ewe bee sew ungratefull fore everyting ewe half. U keep cawling mie Farther and thee "Invisible man up in the sky". Eye guess he wheel juss take air and gracity away sense those r invisible ass whale and u probably dont beleave in dim ass whale."Prays Hiss Wholey Kname, Geebus!

  14. says

    Gravity = angels pushing you (and EVERYTHING) "down" (in the direction of the largest/nearest mass).Gracity = angels haulin' yo ass up tuh Hehvun come the Rapchuh