How to pay for your homeopathic treatments

Yes, like everything else, homeopathic remedies and treatments are getting more and more expensive. But not to worry. Here’s how you can pay for all your homeopathic remedies, and have just oodles of cash left over.

  1. Take a few sheets of newsprint and tear them up into squares about the size of your hand.
  2. Put the squares into a large garbage bag along with a dollar bill.
  3. Shake the bag vigorously at least 12 times (succussion).
  4. Reach in and pull out one of the squares, and dump the rest (save the dollar bill for later)
  5. Tear off a piece of the square, about as big as your thumbnail, and put it in a large garbage bag along with some fresh squares of newsprint. DO NOT RE-USE THE PREVIOUS SQUARES. This is very important.
  6. Go back to step 4, and repeat the whole process 6 times.
  7. The last time through, pull out the square and cut off a piece about the size of a dollar bill. Thanks to the principles of homeopathy, this little piece of paper is now worth about $284,500.
  8. Pay your homeopathic practitioner with the succussed newsprint, and make sure he or she gives you exact change.

Now you can not only pay for homeopathy, you should be able to afford a pretty nice house as well. Ask for your change in US currency, though. Banks don’t believe in homeopathy.


  1. anuran says

    Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
    Like most believers in “science” you fail to grasp the basics of homeopathy.

    If you want to pay your homeopathic physician you don’t use a dollar. That would just mean your bill would get bigger. You need to use a large unpaid bill because provings have shown that unpaid bills cost you money. Homeopathic dilution will cause your wallet to undergo a healing crisis and fill with cash.

  2. says

    Hah. That reminds me of a scheme I came up with for financing the development of a perpetual motion machine:

    1. Start with a £10 note.
    2. Visit an amusement arcade and change your note for coins.
    3. Visit a bank and change the coins for a note.
    4. Keep repeating steps (2) and (3) until you have enough money to build your perpetual motion machine.

  3. OverlappingMagisteria says

    Brilliant! But according to the law of similars, shouldn’t you use a debt notice instead of a dollar bill? We need to use something that causes the same symptoms we are trying to cure, in this case, lack of money.

  4. Gunboat Diplomat says

    You forgot a step. You have to tap the final piece fo paper 3-6 times before the magisc spell is activated. Everyone knows that.

  5. lordshipmayhem says

    A great way to save a ton of money on homoeopathic treatments is to drink straight tap water. Diluted with tap water, of course.

  6. Allen L. says

    If I use a Canadian newspaper, can I have my change in Canadian money? It would be easier to spend at my local (non Star$) coffee shop.

  7. Greg Laden says

    Isn’t homeopathy all about “memory” as in “water had memory”?

    Just tell your homeopath that you clearly remember paying him.

  8. Gilles says

    Just to be pedantic.

    Homeopathy dilutes the opposite symptom cause. Money cures bills. You need to start with an unpaid bill rather than a dollar.

    Fuck homeopaths

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