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Oct 04 2013

Timeline video: Five years of transitioning

Since I just hit the one-year mark, I figured I’d put together a retrospective of the entire lengthy process. Transitioning can take a while!

32 comments

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  1. 1
    Bicarbonate is back

    Hi Z., What I mostly see is you looking happier and happier. It’s not just physical, it’s like you start glowing from within.

  2. 2
    chigau (違う)

    I can’t see it.
    (oh hi. I read and never comment)

  3. 3
    Great American Satan

    Probably Zinnia is more calm about this sort of thing, Chigau, but many trans folks would seriously consider
    self harm over a flip little comment like that. Go back to never commenting, you ignorant fuckface.

    1. 3.1
      Codi Johnson

      I know you can’t wait to get defensive, but did you stop to consider that he’s talking about the video? That he can’t see it? Apology would be good…

      1. Great American Satan

        Are you implying my defensiveness was not borne of a genuine sense of compassion and outrage? I am too quick to anger these days, it’s true, and by way of example, I’m effing pissed at your implication. GET BENT.

    2. 3.2
      chigau (違う)

      The video. I can’t see the video.

      1. Great American Satan

        I’m genuinely sorry about that, Chigau, and also to Lauren for getting all dramatic in here.

  4. 4
    Great American Satan

    On the chance you are the kind of person who doesn’t like to hurt people (and only made your comment because you perceived this post as an invitation to analysis of that type), I will take a moment to spark your learning process on the subject. From wikipedia ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity_disorder ):

    “In the United States, transgender women have a higher suicide rate than others, both before and after gender reassignment surgery.”

    Wikipedia isn’t exactly the number one authority on issues related to oppressed groups, so do look elsewhere as well, but please do more reading about how to be sensitive about trans issues before discussing them with trans people. There are landmines here, because it is a very challenging issue for the people who live it.

  5. 5
    That Guy

    I’ve always found it difficult to look back on old photographs of myself- I always find myself embarassed or ashamed of who I was, so I’d never have the stomach to produce something like that and post it to the internet.

    And that’s speaking a s a cis person who would get a free pass on a lot of shit.

    The best bit about this video is seeing the happy and healthy young woman at the end, and I hope that trend continues for a long, long time.

  6. 6
    Blahblahblah

    Doesn’t show on mobile, sucks.

    Chigau, if there isn’t a lot of change it’s because she already looked pretty feminine. The popular YouTube videos of dudely looking dudes becoming hyper femme aren’t that common. Be easy.

  7. 7
    AnneB

    I agree with Bicarbonate: “It’s not just physical, it’s like you start glowing from within.” Beautiful, courageous timeline.

  8. 8
    Avo, also nigelTheBold

    Amazing!

    I laughed out loud at the “I Survived Testosterone Poisoning” shirt, and I squeeed at the alligator wrasslin’.

    Thanks for this bit of your personal journey.

  9. 9
    carlie

    I’m pretty completely positive, based on my own prior interactions with chigau, that they meant they can’t see the video (also see 6 for mobile viewing issues). I don’t expect anyone else to have that knowledge and therefore that interpretation, but in case they don’t think to come back around soon, wanted to put that out there.

    1. 9.1
      Great American Satan

      Chigau came back around & I apologized, for whatever that is worth, but thanks for letting us know.

      1. carlie

        Thanks – I feel weird speaking for other people, and I know I don’t comment on this blog enough for my word to hold any weight, but hoped to give the alternate explanation to possibly help mitigate continuation of any harm.

  10. 10
    Abdul Alhazred

    Stunning. In chronological order, right?

    Somewhat ambiguous from day one.

    Interestingly enough (at least to my perceptions), the earliest picture that looks really unequivocally female is ‘Boy mode for formal occasion’.

    For one last time, you were *not* trying to look like a girl, but you did anyway. :)

  11. 11
    Bicarbonate is back

    Zinnia, I have written pages to you which I promptly erase because they are confused. Everything I want to say to you echoes back at me. For instance, I wanted to say, “Zinnia, you are so courageous.”

    Then I remembered times in my life where friends said that to me and it made me feel uncomfortable. I couldn’t at the time say why it made me feel that way. After all, telling someone they are courageous is a compliment. How could a compliment make me feel uncomfortable? I felt they were somehow saying I was different than they were, they were putting a distance there, judging or abandoning me somehow or just not understanding.

    Today, thinking about it again I realize that they believed I had a choice in the matter, that I was choosing to be “courageous” when in fact I was doing the only thing I could do. I had no choice in the matter. My options were limited and if I was going to be true to myself and not die inside I had to do what I was doing. I had to do it, regardless of the cost, which, in my case, was extremely high. And I was not at all courageous. I was scared to death. I wasn’t strong (another compliment I’d get). I was barely keeping things together. I was very fragile.

    By calling me courageous and strong these friends were showing me that to them my life was a thought experiment, something to be pondered, some sort of game in which there were choices to make and that they could step back from it and qualify what I was doing as good or bad, courageous or cowardly or reasonable, but that they were not with me there, inside, and that by stepping back to make these judgments such as “courageous” and “strong” they were denying me what I wanted from them, help, for one and raw, unconditional love.

    Does this make any sense?

    And so I can’t say “Zinnia, you are courageous.”

    Everything I write to you, the same thing happens. It echoes, flashes, boomerangs back at me and then gets erased, unsent.

    This is not about being “sensitive”. I hate that. I do not want people to be “sensitive” around me, to have to be careful, to walk on eggs. And I don’t want to have to do or be those things around other people. Because when you are being sensitive, you are holding back. I want people to be full, whole, total, undivided, unreserved. I can’t find the words.

    So then I think to myself, look, you set out to write something to Zinnia and all you’re doing is writing about yourself, making it all about you.

    And so? Another part of me says. What do people write about except themselves (in some way, shape or form)?

    And another part says, tell her, just tell her, “Zinnia, I send you my full, whole, total, undivided, unreserved support.”

    And yet another part says, Now you are being dithyrambic, totally over the top with uncalled for emotion. You don’t even know this person. She is a public figure.

    And so I get all tied up in knots and all conflicted about relatively simple things.

    In any case, Zinnia, you’re looking good!

  12. 12
    left0ver1under

    One can never be happy until comfortable in one’s own skin, figuratively and literally.

    Comparing the smiles from 2008 and 2013 says all you need to know.

  13. 13
    John Pieret

    I didn’t know that hormone treatment make portions of your hair turn strange colors.

    ;-)

    The video shows, I think, that you have made the correct decision … and know it!

  14. 14
    Nono

    Those lightning bolt earrings are SO cute! Really great video, and very well put together.

  15. 15
    busterggi

    I thought you were a cutie pie back when I first saw your photo in ’09 (at the Westboro Baptist thing) and you’re just getting better.

  16. 16
    resident_alien

    You have the most wonderful cheekbones. Also, I liked the pinkish highlights.

  17. 17
    busterggi

    Agreed resident_alien – cheekbones like hers are insufficiently appreciated.

    However, Carolyn Jones remain the champion IMO.

    1. 17.1
      resident_alien

      lol busterggi , I can totally see Zinnia as Morticia Addams for Halloween!

      1. busterggi

        Only if she can do w/o her glasses,

  18. 18
    mostlylabrador

    This makes me so happy. I’ve never had to deal with being uncomfortable in my own body so I don’t have any real personal experience to draw from but seeing someone outwardly become the person they truly are on the inside is inspiring. I imagine the transition has also helped evolve the inside a little as well.

    Wishing you the best and continued growth,

  19. 19
    株式会社ヘルメス

    パズドラ 縛りプレイ

  20. 20
    Rawnaeris, Lulu Cthulhu

    I am late to actually watching this, but congrats Zinnia on the change. You look so happy. ^_^

  21. 21
    seraphymcrash

    I like the blasts of color you put in your hair. I really miss having blue hair (stupid office job).

    I like the picture of you at the beach, that ones probably my favorite of the bunch (not that my favorite matters…)

  22. 22
    brucecoppola

    #8: Heh, I got a chuckle out of the ‘testosterone poisoning’ T-shirt too. And ditto #14 on the lightning bolt earrings. My late wife loved her ‘extravagant’ earrings.

    This graying cis hetero male has learned a lot from reading you and Natalie. Hope you have a long and happy life.

  23. 23
    sawells

    You do look a whole lot happier as the timeline progresses. Kudos.

    For me the surprising thing is discovering that apparently you used to be Sheldon Cooper.

  24. 24
    Elizabeth Ramsey

    You are blossoming into an amazing young lady! I’m decades later than you but on that same road. I wish I’d had the courage to do this when I was younger but people like you are an inspiration to old ladies like myself, to finally stand up and discover and be myself.

    Thank you, Zinnia!

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