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Aug 06 2013

Why I keep records of my transition

I keep a personal Tumblr for notes on my daily experiences while transitioning, as well as timeline photos documenting my physical development. Recently, an anonymous reader asked why I would keep such a history. This is my reply.

Anonymous asked: Wouldn’t most trans people not want to keep records of their transition? I mean, isn’t that like proving “you’re not really a woman, see, here’s an old picture of you” by reliving your transition? If I was trans I would think I wouldn’t want to be reminded that I was once a male.

Personally, speaking solely about my own experiences and feelings, I don’t agree with this at all.

Yes, some or many trans people prefer that their gender history remain firmly in the past. There are a lot of us who just want to get it done and move on without it being brought up, and without being reminded of it. Most of the time, I too would prefer it not be an issue.

It’s not something that needs to come up when I’m buying groceries, meeting other parents when out with the kids, and so on. It can be obnoxious when others try to bring it up in irrelevant contexts. And, yeah, I know a lot of trans people who are pretty averse to seeing their own pretransition photos, or anyone’s – it’s not something they want to be reminded of.

But the presence or absence of photos and records won’t change the reality of my history. The fact is that, for 23 years of my life, I did have a body with male-typical features, and I still have a few of them even after transitioning. Being reminded that I “was once a male”? I call that “looking down”. Photos and records pale in significance next to the experience of living in this body.

I’ve been in it my whole life, through all of its different stages. Trying to erase photos seems futile – more than just photos, I have memories, experiences, feelings. Whether there’s an old photo of me out there or not… I still remember who I was. So having to see old pictures of myself is quite a minor concern – either way, I’ll still have the memories of being that person, which are much more vivid, thorough, and full of emotion than a simple photo.

And I don’t want to forget who I was. That phase of my life is an enormous part of my history. It constitutes the majority of my existence up until now. Yes, there were difficult times, and things I’ve done my best to forget and move on from.

But I don’t feel my life up until now is disposable. This wasn’t some bad dream that I only recently woke up from. It was real, and I can’t deny that. As hard as it might have been, it was not devoid of any value. I was still a human being. I was making the most of my life, just as I am now. And even in those times, there was much worth remembering.

I also have to recognize that, during that time, I did genuinely believe I was male. It may have been an incorrect belief, it may have stemmed from my confusion of the absence of a strongly female identity with the presence of a male identity… but I did believe it.

That’s also a fact of my history, and something that can hardly be erased by deleting a photo. There were many years when I thought of myself as male, presented as male, and didn’t pursue a better option or even realize there was a realistic alternative. That was just who I was at the time. I don’t see any need to shy away from that, or deny it.

More importantly, my personal gender history, whether seen or unseen, doesn’t invalidate my womanhood. It’s completely understandable why many of us keep this to ourselves and don’t tell most people. We still live in a society where “trans woman” is taken to mean “not really a woman” or “actually a man”. We don’t want that knowledge of our history to get in the way of us being seen as who we are now. We don’t want our genders to come with an asterisk attached. We don’t want it to be the first thing people see us as, when they think about us.

But that’s their problem – not mine. Being trans and having a history as “a guy”, and being a woman, should not be incompatible. Being trans doesn’t mean you’re not a woman. I have friends, co-workers, family, my partner, my children, so many people in my life who know that I’m trans, and are still capable of recognizing my womanhood. For them, my transness doesn’t get in the way of my womanhood. It doesn’t preclude my existence as a woman, or diminish it in any way. So what excuse does anyone else have to deny what I am?

Further, I find transitioning to be fascinating from an experiential, philosophical, and scientific perspective. This isn’t something that most people will go through in their lives. It’s also something I’m only going to experience once, and I feel it’s important to make note of every little moment. It’s rare, and fleeting, and extraordinary.

Keep in mind that medical transition, as we now know it, is barely a century old, if that. We’re still at the very beginnings of transition treatment. And there’s often no other way to learn about the current process in detail except by experiencing it firsthand. Most available research has to do with hormone levels and surgery results and complications of treatment. But there’s much less information about the day-to-day mental changes that trans people can experience, or the specifics of how our breasts develop, or simply what it will feel like.

For that reason, I believe documenting my transition can serve as a useful resource for other trans women. When I was first considering whether to start treatment, and then decided I would, I still had very little idea what I was getting into. Yes, there are the broad strokes: you’ll grow breasts, your sex drive will change, you’ll probably feel better…

But that didn’t really answer the question of what it would be like. And now that I’ve been through this myself, I realize that such vague information is like being shown only a single frame of an entire movie. How will my breasts develop? How fast? What will they look like and feel like? How will my sex drive change? How will I adjust to that? Will I like it? How are my moods going to change? Is it really such a big change? Will I be the same person? When it comes to these specific questions, there’s still so little information available. And I believe trans people deserve better. To that end, I’ve tried to explain and describe and capture these things in as much detail and depth as possible, just so the world can have some better sense of what this whole experience is like. Sharing our experiences, and finding points of similarity in our own lives, is incredibly important for trans people. Knowing what to expect, and that someone else out there has been through it, and feels much of the same things you do, is a thing of comfort in what can otherwise be a very uncertain and difficult time.

Most of all, I love that this is happening to me. For me, transitioning has been an experience that’s so extraordinary and affirming and life-changing, I’m thankful every day that this is possible and that it could happen in my life. It’s damn near a miracle that something like this can be done, and all I can do is stare in awe.

I love seeing my body change more and more every day, growing into something that feels like home, even if I’ve never been here before. I love being able to feel things more intensely and deeply than I ever could before, and finally looking out on the world with true happiness, unburdened by any chemical imbalance dragging me down. I love seeing my face turn into something new and unknown and beautiful. I can finally love myself.

When I look back at what I was, I don’t feel it dragging me back. Instead, I see just how far I’ve come. All of this is possible because of the body I once had, the seed for something amazing to grow. All of this is possible because of the person I once was, the one with the courage to survive and figure this out and make it real. I can’t forget that, and I wouldn’t want to.

13 comments

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  1. 1
    besomyka

    Yeah, particularly that last bit for me.

    Also: almost all of the non-breast changes are so gradual that it’s not always possible to notice in the moment. Self-documentation helps me see the positives more clearly(was my arm hair always that color and thickness?). It’s really only for me.

  2. 2
    otrame

    Zinnia, I have to say that your writing just keeps getting better. This post and the one before it are gems. The courage of trans people like you, being so public, demanding to be treated like a human being, not a joke, is doing a great goodness in the world. I admire you a great deal.

    Also? Clean up on Isle 2. (I HATE spammers).

  3. 3
    Bicarbonate is back

    Hi Zinnia,

    Ooooh I’d love to read those daily impressions. That is EXACTLY what I want to know about. The little things, the way people do or don’t react to you. The emotions.

    I think as you say that it’s really important to leave a record for other people who might want to transition. But beyond that, I’m sure there is just a lot to learn from it about gender differences in general, the way the world works or just being human.

    I recently happened across your very first video ever and was so surprised and so moved! I really admire you.

  4. 4
    John Pieret

    It seems to me that it is impossible to know who you are without knowing who you were. For most of us, that is so gradual, so incremental, a process that there is only a minor need for documentation, though it would be helpful to anyone. I wish I had more pictures, diaries, etc. across five and a half decades. Memory alone sucks.

    Gender transition, I suspect, is one change, but hardly the only one (soldiers in war leaps to mind), that would particularly be aided by close documentation. But whether to look that closely inside ourselves is an individual choice … and I commend yours.

  5. 5
    Snowball

    It’s hard to be a woman in general sometimes, and since cis women suffer so under the boot of patriarchy, they can be a bit untrusting of, or even hostile toward transwomen. It pains me to see this happen, and I guess in my clumsy way I’m just trying to say, “yay, another good role model.” All women need good role models.

  6. 6
    ivarhusa

    I am merely an ally but I read your post as ringing with a positive outlook. I wish for all my trans friends to have as healthy a point-of-view. I have worried about my trans friends possibly living with some chronic desperation. Your post informs me that it is possible to get through it and has brought me measures of relief and encouragement.

  7. 7
    Jenna Stewart

    Thanks so much for this post. This, in addition to your previous post, have helped me a lot in terms of expressing my transition/desire to transition in blunt, clear terms. I look forward to reading the Tumblr.

  8. 8
    BCat70

    Do you hyave a link to the Tumblr? Id like to follow along.

    1. 8.1
      Zinnia Jones

      I should warn that it’s often NSFW, TMI, and can contain sexual imagery and discussion. Anyway: http://zjemptv.tumblr.com/

  9. 9
    Sauls Thomas

    all brains no balls

    for the lying “mental cases” @ FTB

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    ,,,..,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.

    homo = atheist?

    ,,.,.,,.,,.

  10. 10
    Kook Buster

    for the mental case called “tim farley”

    yes, you have made “REAL ENEMIES”

    TAM 2013 APOSTASY

    all brains no balls

    homo = atheist?

    amazingmeeting.com/

    FIGHTING THE FAKERS

    youtube.com/watch?v=uWLr5zGBC48

    how we won the James Randi Million Dollar Paranormal Prize

    storify.com/deltoidmachine/how-we-won-the-james-randi-dollar-1-000-000-parano

    _________________

  11. 11
    Henry Moore

    ZJ, thanks for informing us. This is something we are curious about and are afraid to ask about for fear of embarrassing or offending the transwoman. I admire your courage and hope you continue this amazing journey. HM

  12. 12
    Winfred Delduca

    I couldn’t resist commenting. Very well written!|

  1. 13
    Why I keep records of my transition | The Transadvocate

    […] Cross-posted from FreeThoughtBlogs× #mdr-e1 .percent { color: #7B11C6; } .spark1 { background-color: #7B11C6; } #mdr-e2 .percent { color:#17C611; } .spark2 { background-color: #17C611; } #mdr-e3 .percent { color:#115AC6; } .spark3 { background-color: #115AC6; } #mdr-e4 .percent { color:#E01D1D; } .spark4 { background-color: #E01D1D; } #mdr-e5 .percent { color: #666666; } .spark5 { background-color: #666666; } #mdr-e6 .percent { color: #DB871A; } .spark6 { background-color: #DB871A; }Thanks for rating this! Now tell the world how you feel through social media. Share this on Twitter and on Facebook. (Nah, it's cool; just take me back.) Your reaction to this article? […]

  2. 14
    Why I Keep Records Of My Transition | Thought Catalog

    […] This post was originally featured on Free Thought Blogs. […]

  3. 15
    Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] This post was originally featured on Free Thought Blogs. […]

  4. 16
    Around FtB » Pharyngula

    […] Zinnia Jones is going through metamorphosis, and shows us what it’s like! […]

  5. 17
    Looking for a Guide: Searching for Mentors In Recovery | Boredom Breeds Contempt

    […] was reading a great post at Zinnia’s blog the other day when I ran across this quote. As I read it, I found myself a little startled at how […]

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