Quantcast

«

»

Jul 18 2012

Euphoria

First came the dreams, night after night, carrying the vision that refused to be ignored: myself from another life, if I had always been a woman. Undefined in her features, but unmistakable in her perfection. A formless ideal, overwhelming in sheer force of promise, shocking me awake at the sight of her. A tantalizing, desperate glimpse of what might have been, a fading afterimage slipping from my grasp.

The last time she appeared, I saw through her eyes, standing on a podium before a faceless crowd. She explained: If I had the choice, I would have made everything female. The epiphany that eluded my waking thoughts, blasted into consciousness by a mind that knew no limits. I couldn’t go back to sleep.

Decisions were made.

The first bra I ever wore was chosen by my partner, a voluptuous expert by necessity who knew exactly what I needed. Padded, sculpted, a shape for someone who has none: “barely there.” Apprehensively, I held it in my hands, simmering with the fear that it might just be wrong. Face to face with the spectre of feeling like no more than a cross-dresser, a man in a bra.

I slipped it over my head, pulling it into place, taut against a flat chest. Her face lit up as she adjusted it upwards – just right. I stood there a moment, paying close attention to how it clung to my body. Unfamiliar. Uncertain.

“Put your shirt on,” she encouraged me with a smile. The skin-tight, tie-dye green one from my hippie aunt and uncle in Seattle. With something new underneath. Small before, it was even smaller now. I walked to the bathroom mirror, tense and unsteady. Was this going to work?

The light came on. Her. Me. Life itself trembled, shifted, came to rest in a new pattern. Synapses rewired themselves at the sight. The painting, grown beyond its frame. The other half of the puzzle, the missing pieces flying exuberantly into place. The vision alive.

A taste of apotheosis.

And never wanting to let go.

25 comments

2 pings

Skip to comment form

  1. 1
    cognitive dissident

    Congratulations–reading this made me so happy for you!

  2. 2
    Kevin, Youhao Huo Mao

    Beautiful post. Made me cry. I have yet to get to that point, but I know the feeling (few months ago I walked into the bathroom with a bra and falsies on and saw the figure of a woman and realized ‘I can do this’)

  3. 3
    Emily Dietle

    Beautifully expressed.

  4. 4
    Shamim Ahmed Laskar

    Emotionally enriched, full of life. Thank you for inspiring us.

  5. 5
    Xanthë, Amy of my threads

    Yes! Beautifully written, too. I’m very glad you’ve got someone who can help from a position of experience. :)

  6. 6
    Besomyka

    Was that your experience? I’m sitting here tearing up at my desk because while the details are different the emotion described, the experience, is very familiar.

    No partner help for me, so the epiphany didn’t come until a bit later. My similar moment was the first time I was able to put on a cami w/o a strapped bra – I used a strapless, backless bra from Target, of all places, which are pretty much small self-adhesive falsies.

    The best I’ve been able to describe it is resonate. It sounds cliche, ‘the image in the mirror resonates with me.’ Until that experience, though, I didn’t really grok it. It was like a minor earthquake, a calming emotional sound deep down vibrating from the top of my head to my toes. Like when the bass is so loud and low that you can’t hear it as much as feel it.

    Apotheosis is an interesting and accurate description as well, though. A sort of realized self-promotion, not to god-hood, but to being human.

    And never wanting to let go.

    Yes. Just yes.

    Thank you for this post.

  7. 7
    Greta

    (This isn’t a remark on your text)
    I’m a girl and I don’t wear bras because I don’t need one – since my breasts are small and therefore in no need of “support”. It’s one of those things that a girl is supposed to wear but I refuse to follow that norm.

  8. 8
    internetpal2012

    That was a very sweet story about getting your first bra.

    I’ve noticed after reading all the comments on your videos and blogs that no one is bringing up the hard questions.There’re just all patting you on the back telling you how brave you are and no one’s asking about the difficulties of transitioning to a new gender.

    What if you had to unexpectably had to find outside employment,and your name(male),your appearance(female) and the gender identity(male) on your id card do not match?And if this all makes finding a job hard to do should one make changes in their appearance to get a job,any job just to support themselves?

    And if someone is taking Hormone Therapy what are the downsides to one’s body?Should people know what they are before they take them(for males)?Such as testicular shrinkage,loss of erection,and male sterility (I’m not making this up).

    Is it wrong to bring up these question at all?A lot of young people are watching your videos and there not getting the complete picture what to expect when they start the transition process.I know I’m going to catch hell from other people for asking these things (I don’t care) but someone needs to ask them?

    1. 8.1
      aleph squared

      A lot of young people are watching your videos and there not getting the complete picture what to expect when they start the transition process.

      Seriously? You think “young people” aren’t fully aware of the difficulties of transition? (What age, would you say, is the cutoff point after which one can be assumed to know “what to expect”?)

      *they’re

    2. 8.2
      hall_of_rage

      “no one is bringing up the hard questions”

      You mean, we’re not treating Zinnia like an idiot? WORD.

      Seriously, if someone wants to transition they’re going to do their own research, and that’s necessary because neither ZJ nor anyone else could ever give the “complete” picture. For the medical warnings in particular, that’s what the gatekeeping system is for, or should be for (instead of making most people’s transitions much much harder, deterring trans people from trusting doctors, etc etc).

    3. 8.3
      just-a-bird

      I’m confused. Are you asking her to make videos cautioning others about the less pleasant facets of transition, or do you actually expect to give her pause in her own transition by bringing them up yourself?

    4. 8.4
      Alex

      Such as testicular shrinkage,loss of erection,and male sterility (I’m not making this up).

      Way to talk like a cis man. Testicular shrinkage and loss of erection are good things, IMO, they are among the desired effects of HRT.
      As for sterility, for those of us that don’t want children it is a plus. Other trans people do take it into account.

    5. 8.5
      Stevarious

      (I don’t care)

      That’s abundantly clear.

    6. 8.6
      besomyka

      no one’s asking about the difficulties of transitioning to a new gender.

      Talk about a statement from privilege. No one’s asking? I would bet that every trans person STARTED by asking those questions of themselves.

      Just about everything about our personal relationships and role in society highlight the negative aspects of attempting any sort of a transition. The negatives are just about the ONLY thing that we all have in common, and we don’t need to be told. Just existing is enough to have every negative drilled into our heads.

      What if you had to unexpectably(sic) had to find outside employment, and your name(male),your appearance(female) and the gender identity(male) on your id card do not match?And if this all makes finding a job hard to do should one make changes in their appearance to get a job,any job just to support themselves?

      I don’t know if you’re tolling, or are just someone that has some sort of personal gender confusion and is just recently coming to think about this in relation to yourself, or what. But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.

      There are sites dedicated to navigating the legal world that you’re talking about. How to get your name changes, how to change birth records, etc. The problem of personal ID is a big one, and believe me when I say that the trans community is well aware of it. You’re not breaking new ground here.

      But if you’re curious, I’m sure you can find the same resources (or find me on twitter and I can direct you).

      … if someone is taking Hormone Therapy what are the downsides to one’s body?Should people know what they are before they take them(for males)?

      I don’t like how you’re phrasing this, but to everyone else that might read this… hormones are Serious Business, and if at all possible you should consult with a doctor. People react differently, and even for cis women, there are a variety of complications that puberty can cause. You can react the same way. Blood tests and monitoring, making sure the dosing is getting into your system at an appropriate rate, and all that is important.

      I’d never berate someone for doing what they need to to survive, but PLEASE consult a doctor if at all possible.

      testicular shrinkage,loss of erection,and male sterility

      Uhh, okay, I guess you’re not questioning. Other than sterility (if you want to have natural children, you might want to bank sperm/eggs for the future), the other stuff is…

      Well, not every trans person is all that worked up about what’s between their legs, but generally I don’t think that trans women see the other stuff as a negative. If my genitals played a lesser role in my life, I’d be pretty okay with that.

      I see the ‘side-effects’ of female hormones, all those cautions for males about not touching birth control patches and what not, but seriously… those ‘side effects’ are THE POINT of taking them.

      I don’t think you grok the situation.

    7. 8.7
      F [i'm not here, i'm gone]

      Um, you mean, like, if people started just gobbling down all of that OTC HRT just for kicks?

    8. 8.8
      BecomingJulie

      Oh, come on. Do you seriously think there is anybody out there who takes this shit lightly?

      We all know the downsides to transitioning. You pass well as your chosen gender and you risk getting asked to “Get yer kit off!” or worse; or you don’t pass well, and you risk people asking loudly “Is that a man or a woman?” or worse. There’s the bathroom question. There’s the other bathroom question. There’s having to listen to that Shania Twain song on auto-repeat for two hours while you’re getting ready every morning (actually, that only happens on the telly. It’s entirely optional in real life). There’s going through puberty a second time, as if the first time wasn’t bad enough. There’s all the people who will never understand. There’s ordering hormones from Internet pharmacies and wondering whether your stuff is going to turn up at all, whether you’re actually going to get what you ordered, and then waiting for the statement to make sure you didn’t get any extra charges on your card. There’s spending a statutory one- or two-year period, the “Real Life Experience”, as an exaggerated caricature for the satisfaction of some doctor who doesn’t believe you really want to go through with it.

      And you know what? If you can imagine how bad that must be, then just try and think: it’s still preferrable, by a country mile, to living in a gender that doesn’t suit.

  9. 9
    Aerik

    I imagine that you may experience a great deal of trepidation or excitement or both upon recording your next video. I expect that the support you receive should exceed the backlash that inevitably comes from bigots and concern-trolling critics who inevitably go apepoop at visual scenes and persons contrary to their worldviews. Take all the time you need and only record however much you feel is conmfortable.

    Best wishes.

  10. 10
    John Conolley

    Beautiful story. Thank you.

  11. 11
    F [i'm not here, i'm gone]

    A tantalizing, desperate glimpse of what might have been, a fading afterimage slipping from my grasp.

    Damn, but isn’t it good to grab it when back in the waking world? Fantastic! I’m happy for you. :)

  12. 12
    Lucy

    Very much this; beautifully told. I know those feelings very well, though the details are different. Thank you for sharing!

  13. 13
    cityzenjane

    Everyone’s experience is different…I’m still trying to forgive my D cups for making running so miserable…

    But I’m happy if you’re happy ZJ!

    1. 13.1
      hall-of-rage

      Well, having large breasts might be nice for looks and resolving gender dysphoria and so on, but I don’t think it’s half so nice as having sensitive breasts. If I have one envy of trans women in second puberty vs. my own cis puberty, it’s that they’re usually experienced enough to appreciate new developments and explore them sexually; sensitive breasts are typically a big plus in that sense. I definitely wasn’t ready for that–I was just uncomfortable and eventually adjusted. (Don’t get me wrong, I don’t envy anyone going through the wrong first puberty.)

  14. 14
    fester60613

    Wonderful post! Beautiful (and inspired) writing! Thank you for sharing your beautiful and very personal moment.

  15. 15
    BecomingJulie

    There’s a grainy, underexposed, low-resolution picture on my mobile phone. It’s a reflection in a glass door. And if you didn’t know that it was a pair of tits in a tight T-shirt, you probably wouldn’t know what the hell it was.

    Nonetheless, I am insanely proud of this little photograph, because it’s my first picture of me with some proper cleavage enhancement. That, and one of my much-missed German Shepherd, must be my two most looked-at photos.

  16. 16
    Lapine_D

    Nice post.

    tl;dr tits

  1. 17
    Not “him”, just me: Gendering the past | Zinnia Jones

    [...] to pursue treatment for it? When I picked a whole new name for myself, for real this time? When I started wearing a bra, no matter whether it contained anything? When I actually got around to finding a therapist and a [...]

  2. 18
    Darker shades of pink: Having depression when you’re transgender » Zinnia Jones

    […] assumption that I was still a guy – just an extremely femme one – to realizing that no part of me bristles against womanhood. I thought I didn’t have any gender dysphoria, and medically transitioning was simply a matter of […]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>