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Jun 22 2013

Learn how to survive the zombie invasion

Zombies_NightoftheLivingDead

Zombie invasion: one of many possible contingencies being planned for in Kansas shelter/theme park.

Preppers rejoice, the end times may be nigh. At least according to a colorful, eccentric survivalist-themed park owner deep in the heart of Kansas. Doesn’t matter how the end comes mind you, until that mystery resolves, he’s definitely on a spiritual mission: which includes translating the cash of the paranoid and curious into his own:

WaPo — I do believe I am on a mission and doing a spiritual thing,” said Robert Vicino, who has purchased a large portion of the former U.S. Army storage facility on the southeast edge of Atchison, about 50 miles northwest of Kansas City, Mo. “We will certainly be part of the genesis.”

Before it comes time to ride out Armageddon or a deadly global pandemic, though, Vicino says the Vivos Survival Shelter and Resort will be a fun place for members to take vacations and learn assorted survival skills to prepare them for whatever world-changing catastrophe awaits.

Jacque Pregont, president of the Atchison Chamber of Commerce, said some people think the shelter plan sounds creepy or that Vicino has “lost his mind,” while others are excited because they will finally get a chance to tour the property.

But until the new genesis or the hereafter reign, these clowns may have hit on a real money-maker for this old mortal world:

The shelter will have enough space for more than 1,000 RVs and up to about 5,000 people. Members will be charged $1,000 for every lineal foot of their RV to purchase their space, plus $1,500 per person for food. That means a person who plans to park a 30-foot vehicle in the shelter with four people inside will pay $30,000 for the space and $6,000 for food.Actual sales won’t begin until a “critical mass” of reservations are received and processed, Vicino said, which hasn’t happened yet at the Kansas shelter.

Vivos also owns a shelter in Indiana with room for 80 people to live comfortably for up to a year. There, members pay $50,000 per adult and $35,000 per child, so a family with two adults and two children would have to come up with $170,000 to be part of the post-apocalyptic generation.

Just imagine, a whole second earth. Populated predominantly by the direct decscedants convinced the end was near thanks to marriage equality and food stamps, who had enough scratch to waste it on Vivos and who were so paranoid they either nearby or inside the caverns. I’m not saying a certain steaming or iced beverage-themed, willfully ignorant, fundamentalist-leaning caucus of Americans would be over represented you understand, only that the well-armed survivors in Kansas and Indiana could battle it out for years after the Apocalypse over which city-state was the one, true Gilead.

6 comments

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  1. 1
    johnmckay

    You left out the part about the underground golf course. I think miniature golf aficionados would love the chance to make billiard shots off the walls and ceiling. Screw the survivalist crap. Focus on that and you could build a coal mine golf league. Imagine the fun of a driving range with a twelve foot ceiling.

  2. 2
    YOB - Ye Olde Blacksmith

    I find it very odd that so many of the survival nuts (as opposed to people who just dig the whole survival skill thing as a hobby) that I have met are devout Christians and believe in the bible and that they are saved. And yet, are preparing for the end of the world like they know they will be left behind. Funny that.

  3. 3
    left0ver1under

    Propheteering (n.)
    1. to be a religious leader for financial gain
    2. to organize and lead gullible followers into giving one money

  4. 4
    Randomfactor

    So stealing that term, LeftOver1under.

  5. 5
    intergalacticmedium

    Damn that is good @3

  6. 6
    coragyps

    Of course, one of the best ways to avoid zombie attack is to deprive them of food.

    Be brainless!

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