Exterior: summer sun beats down on gorgeous million dollar McMansions high in the Texas hill country on tree-lined land-scaped streets; 36 hole golf course snakes behind the homes like rivers of emeralds; illegal immigrant yard crews sweating profusely in several manicured yards; boat ramp stuffed with lake yachts and new wakeboard boats to side, glass towers of capital city off in hazy distance. Symbolic rain clouds threatening vista.
Camera pans into small group of suburban elementary school children and one overweight adult in wakeboard boat … Boy 1, Girl 1, Boy 2, and Santa in summery cargo shorts holding Pina Colada with cute Rudolph:
Santa in slightly slurred voice: “Well kids, what with me being outlawed by Godless liberals and no one believing anymore, I guess I’ll have to cancel Christmas this year …”
Horrified looks on children, Rudolph lets out dejected sigh as his glowing red nose fades to black.
Suddenly Boy 2 with iPad screams out joyously: “Wait a minute, Rick Perry is on it! Christmas might be saved after all!”
Texas Tribune — This holiday season, teachers and students will officially have permission to wish each other “Merry Christmas” — or the traditional greeting of their choice — in Texas public schools.
Flanked by high school cheerleaders who recently fought a legal battle to carry banners with Bible verses on them at athletic events, Gov. Rick Perry ceremonially signed legislation Thursday clarifying that school districts can acknowledge traditional winter celebrations.
The holidays are coming early this year,” for students of all faiths “who want to freely express the simplest of appropriate greetings during holy days,” said Perry, who was also joined by an off-duty Santa Claus and an orthodox rabbi.
Under the new law, as long as displays include more than one religious symbol — or at least one secular symbol — and don’t encourage adherence to a particular religious belief, districts can put up decorations like Nativity scenes, Christmas trees and menorahs on school property. Public school staff and students can also offer each other seasonal greetings like Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah.
Santa, now suddenly alert and growing buffer than the hulk, begins donning his red suit and whips out his iPhone to take command: “I’ll Call Dasher and Dancer, I’ll call Prancer and Vixon. You text Comet and Cupid, tell them Christmas is saved from teh evil gay stupids! We can rest in December, get buzzed and be merry! But now we have work to do, God bless Governor Rick Perry!”
Cutaway from children dancing to Linus and Lucy.
Cut in to unseasonable, warm December in ramshackle renthouse of Boy 1 on Christmas morning. Parental voice off camera as he opens present: “Remember now, daddy’s good paying job got outsourced and mommy died from tooth decay, so Christmas isn’t going to be all about material gifts this year”
Boy 1 nods and opens present to find a card and reads it: “This card is good for one minimum wage temp contract job at Dell Computer for daddy! Tell him Merry Christmas and be sure and say that at your school if its still open! Oh, and let him know we cut his Food Stamps to keep the brown people from cheating! P. S. being gay is a choice, choose wisely! Signed RP”
Cut in to homeless shelter where Girl 1 is opening her one present. Wrapped box contains sleek tear-dropped plastic wand with electric cord dangling. She reads card in cute voice: “This magic shaming wand can be used to rape gutter sluts who get pregnant. If you wait until you are bought by a successful middle aged man and properly married under God as a virgin, keep it handy as there may yet be sluts you need to shame. Signed RP”
Camera fades into melting North Pole workshop where illegal dwarf workers are being whipped mercilessly by giggling taskmaster Rick Perry as he pops more Oxycontin. Santa sitting on throne perched atop a mountain of cash is bribing judge to reserve all corporate rights to the phrase “Merry Christmas,” he removes beard to reveal David Koch and cackles: “Merry Christmas and God bless all you conservative suckers, each and every one!”