“Hero Mom”? Hitting children is not what good parenting looks like

When the video of an angry mom beating up her son at the Baltimore protest went viral, Toya Graham, the mom who smacked her 16-year-old son, Michael Singleton, for joining the protest, became the face of good parenting and many lauded her as hero mom of the year.

It is disappointing that many hailed her action and called for more ‘black mothers’ to whip their ‘erring’ sons into line! Are we so desensitised to violence that we don’t see anything wrong with a parent hitting a child in anger? You cannot discipline a child when you are out of control, not thinking straight or blinded with fear or anger. Toya Graham was expressing anger and fear, she admitted, “I just lost it”.

I cringed when I watched the video, the fear and violence hit me in the face! This is not what good parenting looks like. This is not what discipline looks like. This is not what makes a hero mom. This is FEAR. This is ANGER. This is a panicked mother lashing out at her child. This is an adult hitting a child she knows will not hit her back.

Hitting your child in a fit of anger is not discipline; it is child abuse. Lashing out at your children in fear because you want to keep them safe is not Love; it is child abuse.

It is never OK to hit a vulnerable person especially one you know will not/cannot hit you back. The 16-year-old boy did not resist; he followed his mum as she commanded, but that did not stop her from hitting him in blinded anger and fear.

As a single mum, i understand the urge to protect our children; however hitting a child is never the way. A look at the many messed up adult Nigerians who boast about being used as punching bags by their parents while growing up (an abnormality that is considered very normal in that neck of the woods), and use that to justify hitting their own children, tells us this is a vicious circle that does no good. Asked if the beatings or scars their parents inflicted as deterrents stopped them from doing the thing they were beaten for, many proudly admit that they simply found other ingenious ways of doing it without getting caught.

Hitting a child is never the solution, and hitting someone who cannot or are forbidden by culture or law to defend themselves against such attacks, is child abuse, domestic partner abuse or police brutality. No matter how much it is done out of love, it is still abuse.

When interviewed, Toya Graham said she hit her son because she did not want him to be the next Freddie Gray. This is very sad. It is saddening that black American mothers feel forced to hit their children to keep them safe from police brutality. However, hitting her son won’t protect him from being the next Freddie Gray, teaching him to cower in the face of injustice would most likely create more Freddie Gray, Trayvon Martin and Eric Garner. This only empowers the oppressors. Her son is not the oppressor. Freddie Gray, Trayvon Martin, Eric Garner and other young and old black men and women killed for the colour of their skin were not the oppressors. We should not have to hit or force our children to toe the line of the oppressors in order to keep our children safe.

If you do not want your 16-year-old son to get involved in protests or riots, it is fine and understandable. However, hitting your son in private or public is not the way to have that conversation.

Being “Proactive” about the safety of your child does not have to involve hitting your child out of fear and anger. Adults, be they mothers, fathers or guardians know that no reasonable conversation can be had when violence is the instrument of control.  Beating a child in desperation, anger, or fear does not make anyone a “hero mom”.

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Smacking her 16-year-old son was framed as “saving him”. Being a control freak is not how you ‘save’ your child. This act of violence will not save her son from police brutality; after all, police brutality is the cause of the protests. The brave actions of those who stood up to say “Enough is Enough” is what could save her son and many other black men and women, from being another Freddie Gray.  There were peaceful protests before the riots broke out, the media ignored the peaceful protests, but when the rioters took over, the news spread like wildfire, and they got their voices heard. We can argue from now until eternity about the right or wrong of violent protests, but one thing is clear, “Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.” However, the right or wrong of the protests/riots is not the focus of this post.

The mother is not a hero mum; she is a bully-mum. Hitting is not a reasonable way of holding a conversation with anyone, especially one who cannot defend themselves against such attacks. There are many ways to lay down the rules for a child; violence is not one.

It is so unfortunate that many African adults think of their childhood and what they vividly recollect is the many times they were beaten by their parents or siblings. Most times, amongst siblings, the beatings were not about correcting attitudes but about domination, asserting control and instilling fear in the most vulnerable members in the family. There is a big difference between respect and fear. We cannot earn respect by instilling fear in others.

From reports, Toya Graham told her son not to join the protests, but he did anyway. He obviously felt strongly enough about the injustice and police brutality in their town to put his own life at risk. His mother knew this, but did she have a discussion with him or did she just lay down the Almighty Mum order- “Thou shall not join your friends at the protest”? In what ways and manner did she explain the risks to her son?

Laying a good foundation for building a trusting relationship with one’s child cannot be achieved overnight, and it definitely cannot be achieved with threats of smacks and violence. This woman erred. She needs to control her anger and look at the larger picture. Her son might grow to resent her, while he just continues to smile for the camera in public.

Do mothers get a free pass to hit their children because they gave birth to them? This woman repeatedly hit her son out of fear and anger even though the son was not resisting. How many times have we condemned police officers when they hit people who were not resisting arrest? We do not “knock” someone into reality by hitting them, that would be child abuse, domestic partner abuse; it is known as violence. Hitting someone is not the way to have a conversation. Hitting a child out of fear and in anger is child abuse. Hitting is not a solution.

Children disobey their parents, it is part of growing up, and it is the duty of the parents to learn how to discipline their wards without veering towards child abuse. Child abuse is something we have to think about even if we are not parents. Child abuse happens around us all the time, while visiting family members, inside our neighbours’ houses, on the street etc. We do not have to wait to be rudely jolted into a position where we had to make a quick decision on whether to hit our child before we start researching the difference between child abuse and disciplining a child. Conversations about what constitute child abuse, what we have been taught while growing up, and what we have learned should help us be better prepared to handle these situations.

Some Africans have tried to hail her action by claiming, “Our parents whipped us and we turned out fine“. We should understand that, “This is how our ancestors did it” is not a reason to continue any practice, especially harmful practices. Culture is not a reason to commit atrocities. As I wrote in one of my earlier posts, Child abuse is not discipline or African, it is simply cruelty to children.

Making a split second decision to hit our child or lash out at a vulnerable person just because we were put on the spot won’t be the best way to react. “I was angry” or “I was afraid for his safety” are not excuses that justify hitting children.

Attempting to discipline children when we are in a state of anger, afraid or out of control cannot yield good results. We might not know how we would react as parents if put in certain hard scenarios, however it is good to give what constitute child abuse and discipline a thought. Also, it is not just about our children, it is about all the children facing child abuse. It is about being better prepared to recognise child abuse when we see it.

No matter how the media spins this, this is not the face of a hero-mum. This woman owes her son a heart to heart talk and a public apology.

Related link-

Child abuse is not discipline or African, it is simply cruelty to children.

May Day: Organise not Agonise!

Every day, the divide between the Rich and the Poor widens, few overpaid workers, some well-paid workers and many underpaid workers. On this special day, please spare a minute to remember the millions of unemployed people; many made redundant by the many budget cuts. Many unemployed people are desperately seeking to enter the workforce, to keep a roof over their heads, put food on the table for their children and struggling to pay bills. Underpaid workers and the unemployed bear the brunt of nasty government policies.

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Help turn on the light at the end of the tunnel for many unemployed people left struggling to make ends meet due to economic downturn, corporate greed, redundancy and many avoidable budget cuts. Together We Can! [Read more…]

Natural Disasters are certainly not a time to thank God!

Lately, there has been no end to the bad news making the rounds so much that watching the news has become depressing. Nepal suffered an earthquake that killed thousands with many entombed in their own houses, hotels and museums. More than half a million people have been rendered homeless. The earthquake also triggered an avalanche that hit Mount Everest leaving many seriously injured and some dead.

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One cannot even begin to imagine the terror those people must have felt in their dying hour. It is heartwrenching to see the pains on the faces of the victims’ families as they confront the galling reality that their loved ones are buried underneath all that rubble and their bodies might never be recovered for proper burials.

The pains etched on the faces of survivors tell stories of horrors and gratitude. It seems, in the midst of the sorrows, pains, deaths, and survival; we still must celebrate life. Every life saved amidst these ruins is a cause for celebration. Every dead body pulled out is a cause for sorrow.

To die in such horrific and agonising manner is painful to imagine. In most cases, death really is not as much the problem as the manner and cause of it. [Read more…]

South Africa and Xenophobic Attacks: Simply No Justification

On March 20, 2015, xenophobic attacks broke out in Durban, South Africa, some disgruntled South Africans turned on their neighbours, viciously attacking foreigners, mostly immigrant black Africans. This set in motion a wave of anti-immigrants attacks. The locals accused migrants of taking local jobs. They wanted the foreigners out of their country. Since the attacks, many deaths have been recorded and thousands of foreigners have fled for their lives, with many rendered homeless and in hiding.

A Mozambican man, Emmanuel Sithole was stalked, stabbed and murdered on the streets by vicious South Africans, According to reports, many including policemen watched while he pleaded for his life.

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The Nigerian consul-general in South Africa, Uche Ajulu-Okeke said  – [Read more…]

Periods: The Shame and Shaming

I am not a fan of the menstrual cycle but i understand it is a natural part of making new human lives and this is great. If there was any intelligent designer, aka God, women wouldn’t need to bleed every month for new human lives to be possible, and this is one reason i can say God is not a woman.

It is sad that the society portrays menstruation as an obscene, dirty thing women should be ashamed of. As a teenager, I was scared and ashamed to go into chemists’ shops to purchase sanitary pads and it did not help that the people behind the counters were usually men. Most times, I found myself going from one shop to the other, praying and hoping there would be a woman behind the counter. If the shame i felt could kill, i would have died at the spot!

Thanks to feminism and the liberation it brings, I now buy my sanitary pads and tampons with pride. Gone are the days I made extra efforts to keep my sanitary pads hidden under the bulk of my shopping, now i make a point of not hiding it under any grocery/shopping. This ‘little’ act feels like liberation from century old shackles. [Read more…]

Chapel Hill Shootings: Condemning religion does not an Islamophobe make, Atheism does not a superior moral being make

The gruesome murders of Deah Barakat, 23, Yusor Abu-Salha, 21, and Razan Abu-Salha, 19, all Muslims, in the gun-toting hand of Craig Stephen Hicks, 46, an atheist, is appalling and a tragedy. I cannot begin to imagine what the families of these victims must be going through.

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CNN reported

According to the law enforcement official briefed on the investigation, Tuesday’s altercation started after Hicks found a car belonging to one of the victims in what he claimed was his parking space. Then Hicks went to the victim’s condo and shot all three people in a confrontation.

Hicks turned himself in to police Tuesday night and is being held in the Durham County Jail without bond. He is cooperating with investigators, police said Wednesday morning.

Mohammad Abu-Salha The father of the female victims feels differently, he believes it is an hate crime.  He stated

We have no doubt that the way they looked and the way they believed had something to do with this

Karen Hicks, the soon to be ex-wife of Craig Stephen Hicks expressed her shock and sympathy, she however stated

This incident had nothing to do with religion or the victims’ faith, but in fact was related to the longstanding parking disputes that my husband had with the neighbors

According to Craig Stephen Hicks’ neighbour, Samantha Maness it was an equal opportunity anger situation.

I have seen and heard him be very unfriendly to a lot of people in this community,” Samantha Maness, another resident of the Finley Forest development, told the Times. She said that Hicks displayed an “equal opportunity anger” and that he made “everyone feel uncomfortable and unsafe.

Why are some atheists blaming ‘Extreme Atheism’ for Chapel Hill shootings? 

I watched in bewilderment as some atheists assume extreme atheism was to blame for the murders. Some have [Read more…]

Losing weight is not an endorsement or indictment of another woman’s body: Stop the Fatphobia!

I posted some recent pictures of myself on my facebook wall with the following caption:IMG-20150202-WA0002

Dividends of working out at the gym.
I can have a sleepover at my mum’s and not bother to take extra clothing, just so i can walk away with some of her new clothes and of course jewellery. Now, she can’t say, “Yemisi, don’t take it, it is not your size!” lol!
Jacket- My sister’s (Now mine)
Red sweater underneath- My mum’s (Now mine)
Brand new Leggings- My mum’s (Now mine)
Hair – All mine, just nicely retouched for me by my mum.
Winning all round!

Yemmylicious ed

Funny enough, a facebook friend who also identifies as an atheist came on the post thread and left a series of comments. These comments exposed an underlying hatred of plus size women, sexism and showed an endorsement of street harassment , cos well, according to him, women are supposed to provide visual orgasms for strangers on the streets, and you should be ashamed if you are not deemed sexy enough by strangers. BTW, he thinks only outsiders can decide if you are sexy or not.

Anyway, I decided to share these exchanges because, you never know just how many people especially those who claim to be rational thinkers, share these vile opinions. [Read more…]

Boko Haram and a Nation collapsing under the weight of Corruption, Deception and Religion

Just as I finally summoned enough interest to write about the Baga killings, news came in that Islamists terrorist group, Boko Haram, has struck again, this time in the city of Maiduguri. According to Sahara Reporters

Top security officials just confirmed to SaharaReporters that Islamist fighters today overwhelmed the 243 battalion of the Nigerian Army stationed at Monguno Barracks. The insurgents killed an undetermined number of soldiers and wounded the brigade commander of the barracks.

Our sources said soldiers who put up resistance to the invading insurgents were killed, adding that many soldiers then ran in different directions. They disclosed that 1,400 soldiers were stationed at the barracks at the time of the attack, adding that military authorities were not aware of their exact whereabouts or how many of them had been killed. “We still don’t know what has happened to them [soldiers], but we know that Boko Haram now controls the barracks and Monguno town,” one officer based in Abuja confirmed.

When the Islamists terrorist group Boko Haram struck in Baga and killed a disputed 2,000 people , it was no longer considered newsworthy, at least not in Nigeria. I must confess that even as a Nigerian, I did not bother to check out the news, deven though the headlines screamed at me.  According to CNN –

During the raid that started January 3, hundreds of gunmen seized the town of Baga and neighboring villages, as well as a multinational military base.

Attacks started at dawn and continued throughout last weekend, according to residents.

Though local officials gave conflicting death tolls, they agreed on the massive number of fatalities.

More than 2,000 people were killed in attacks on 16 villages, Bukar said. He could not explain how he arrived at that toll.

But the local district head said hundreds of people had been killed, not thousands. The actual toll will be known after a headcount of households is complete, Hassan said.

And BBC reported an eyewitness account- 

Two days after the attack, a man who claimed to be Abubakar Shekau [the leader of Boko Haram] came and addressed us. He said: “Today, where is your government from local to highest level? You are now under our control.” And he preached to us.

After that, Shekau and many of the insurgents left the town in the hands of some Boko Haram members who are from Baga.

These men have taken control of the young women in the town. They rape and abuse our daughters.

In the evening they choose ones who are neither pregnant nor nursing mothers and take them away. They don’t bring them back until the morning. If it is not rape what are they doing to them?

I guess we are now so desensitised to the atrocities of Boko Haram that it seems more murders in boko_haram561_2the name of Allah is no longer news, at least not when it involves Boko Haram. This might sound callous or insensitive, especially since the Baga killings occurred around the time of Charlie Hebdo killings, which I took the time to write about. So, why this seemingly uncaring attitude towards the Islamists terrorists presently ravaging my birth land (Holy FSM, I can’t even bring myself to call it my homeland anymore)?

I think this ‘What else is new’ attitude towards the misadventures of Boko Haram is indeed sad and scary. When an abnormality becomes the norm, [Read more…]

The Charlie Hebdo tragedy: The five crowds that are getting it wrong

In the wake of the atrocious murder of Charlie Hedbo’s journalists by Islamist fundamentalists which led to #Jesuischarlie, it is sad that some people have chosen this horrendous time to falsely accuse the magazine of the very thing it stands against; Racism, Sexism, Homophobia and Misogyny.

As Libby Nelson wrote in Charlie Hebdo: its history, humor, and controversies:

Charlie Hebdo is known for its cartoons, which are often raunchy and provocative, whether they depicted the Prophet Mohammed or portrayed the Pope performing holy communion with a condom.

Charlie Hebdo’s editor, Stéphane Charbonnier, who was murdered in the attack, described the newspaper’s positions in 2012 as left-wing, secular, and atheist.

Below are 5 different crowds that are getting it wrong and why.

1- The “Charlie Hebdo is racist and sexist” crowd

This crowd eagerly post some of Charlie Hedbo’s cartoons with the aim of accusing the magazine of racism and L4057-1011.0sexism, without caring to dig into the context.

The context of Charlie Hebdo’s Parodies/cartoons is easily understood by the French but not easily understood by outsiders, unless they are conversant with French politics. Some of these cartoons can be viewed and understood under the piece What are some of Charlie Hebdo’s most famous cartoons?

At first glance, these cartoons might appear racist, sexist, and ill-thought-out, but after reading the contexts, this is usually not the case.

So, “What was the context of Charlie Hebdo’s cartoon depicting Boko Haram sex slaves as welfare queens?”

This is what Libby Nelson has to say:

Charlie Hebdo covers often combined two unrelated stories to make a satirical point. In the context of the magazine’s leftist politics, this seems to be about spoofing not Nigerian trafficking victims, but French welfare critics, who have argued that France should cut welfare programs to prevent immigrant women from exploiting them. The cover, in this view, seems to say, “Hey, welfare critics, you’re so heartless that you probably think that even Nigerian sexual slavery victims are money-grubbing ‘welfare queens.

This is what French people have to say about it on Quora [Read more…]

Islamist Barbarians Have Struck Again!

Islamist barbarians have struck again, as 3 gunmen went on a killing spree, murdering 10 journalists, 2 police officers and injuring 7 people in the name of Allah.

BBC reports

Gunmen have attacked the Paris office of French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, killing 12 people and injuring seven in an apparent Islamist attack.

At least two masked attackers opened fire with assault rifles in the office and exchanged shots with police in the street outside before escaping by car.

The gunmen shouted “we have avenged the Prophet Muhammad”, witnesses say

This is truly sickening. Unfortunately, this is not likely to be the last time Islamist terrorists would kill to protect the honour of their attackPaedophile prophet, while shouting Allahu Akbar.

Barbaric, primitive religious fanatics and those so-called moderates, who feign disgust at these atrocities but still spew passages from their Holy books to justify atrocities, need brain transplants!

This is another blatant attack on Freedom of Expression by these barbaric religious fanatics.

It was also reported that 2 of the cartoonists killed had personal body guards because there has been ongoing life threatening messages from Islamists who feel offended by the cartoons the Newspaper published.

Imagine what it is like to be under constant fear for your life for exercising your Freedom of Expression.

I am so tired of hearing the rhetoric that people should not upset the religious community. Why should we care that religious people are [Read more…]

Choosing between the Sharia fanatic and the inept, incumbent President: The sad case of a gutless nation

Nigerians seem to have lost their memory, again.buhari and jonathan

Who votes for a man who truncates democracy?

Who votes for a man who has repeatedly shown his disdain for the rule of law?

Who votes for a man with a record of appalling human rights violations?

Who votes for a man who advocates for Sharia law in a supposedly secular society?

Who votes for a man who cares not that lives, especially young lives, were lost because he lost an election?

Who in their right mind endorse such a despotic being as a presidential candidate?

How could a decent person openly campaign for votes for this despot?

What type of self-acclaimed progressive party fields such a candidate?

I was flabbergasted when General Muhammadu Buhari, a 72 year old ex-military despot and Sharia law fanatic was adopted as the [Read more…]

New Year Resolution? Do away with God and Religion

A perfect New Year resolution would be to do away with God and all its attendant delusions. Most importantly, it would mean you no longer407171_2699056189303_1043602147_2867789_1434976931_n give a stamp of approval to all the ills, harms and atrocities perpetrated in the name of God under the umbrella of Religion as commanded in the Hoy book, be it the Bible, Quran or any other deluded book, aka the Word of God.

In recent years, we have seen how much harm and havoc God delusion can bring to humanity. It is not just about hearing old stories about how God sanctioned and even commanded slavery, genocides, plagues, jihads, stoning to death of non-virgin wives and gays, we cannot in good conscience, continue to say “Oh that was days of old”.

In recent years:

  1. We have seen innocent people beheaded in the name of God to the shouts of “Allahu Akbar”.
  2. We have seen children blown up in schools in the name of God.
  3. We have seen young girls kidnapped and married off in the name of God.
  4. We have witnessed young girls shot in the head for daring to seek an education.
  5. We have seen people blowing one another up because of God‘s promised land to his ‘Chosen people’.
  6. We have seen lesbians, gays, bisexuals and Trans oppressed, bullied, forced to commit suicide, thrown in jail, and even stoned to death all in the name of God and Religion.
  7. We have seen women denied equal rights because the word of God says women must be submissive.
  8. We have seen women denied the right to have an abortion even when the life of the mother is in danger because, well God, and soul.
  9. We have seen right before our eyes, wars and suicide bombings induced by people fighting over whose God is better.
  10. We have seen these atrocities, discrimination, and oppression being justified with quotes from the very book we look up to as the perfect word of God.

[Read more…]

Free and Equal Naija campaign should be without a BUT.

To mark this year’s international human rights day,  a group of Nigerian individuals and organisations came together to adopt the Free and Equal Naija campaign todownload promote inclusiveness of LGBT rights as human rights.

I am a firm believer in equal rights; therefore, the Free and equal Naija hashtag appealed to the human rights activist in me. However, when I got the memo and guideline that came with the concept note, I was once again, disappointed. The memo came with the guideline-

Important Notice:

The #FreeAndEqualNaija Campaign is not a marriage equality campaign. All advocacy outputs should be directed toward inclusiveness and accountability in the promotion and protection of human rights of all Nigerian citizens.

Once again, marriage equality is being treated as the taboo words that must not be uttered if we are to win the support of Nigerian human rights activists and organisations.

There is this growing stigma attached to marriage equality campaign especially amongst African LGBT activists. Although i appreciate the effort to speak up for LGBT rights in a country where it is a crime to do so, but as a staunch supporter of Marriage Equality, I could not fully get behind the Free and Equal Naija campaign because i did not wish to be part of anything that stigmatises marriage equality campaign. [Read more…]