It’s the middle of November. Yes, that means it’s time to take up arms to do battle in the “War on Christmas”! As we approach the joyous season of peace and goodwill, we can look forward to the moment, arriving any day now, when people like Bill O’Reilly and John Gibson of Fox News and their devoted followers come together in a spirit of unity to once again declare war on those who do not celebrate the holidays in their officially-approved Christian manner. This is a sure-fire ratings booster for the holiday season, not that I would think for a minute that these two Jesus-loving men would exploit this issue for their own gain.
A Jerry Falwell affiliated group Liberty Counsel has already started its annual “Friend or Foe” campaign where you can “pledge to be the “Friend” to those entities which do not censor Christmas and a “Foe” to those that do,” simply by buying buttons and bumper stickers that say “I helped save Christmas.” This is the perfect Christmas gift for all those ardent advocates for the war in Iraq who feel that they have done more than their part for the war effort by talking tough, flying flags, and having magnetic ribbons stuck on their cars that say “I support the troops.”
What defending Christmas also means is that during the season, these warriors for Christ are going to keep a sharp lookout for those people who betray their anti-Christmas bias. To avoid falling under suspicion, be sure to say “Merry Christmas” when you meet someone you don’t know or trust. To openly say “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings,” either verbally or in greeting cards, is to open oneself to the suspicion of being an agent of the Antichrist.
Furthermore, you must only shop in stores that have explicitly Christian messages plastered over them and have overtly religious decorations involving mangers and crosses and baby Jesus statues. All other shops must be boycotted, unless they happen to run a really good sale on exactly the item you were dying to buy, in which case you are permitted to go in and buy just that item and no more. Stores can have pagan decorations like Santa Claus and reindeer and snow and mistletoe and holly if they like, but to escape censure there must be a clear core of Christian symbolism that is obvious to even the most obtuse because, let’s face it, most of the people who are out earnestly looking for anti-Christian activity are pretty stupid and have little else going on in their lives. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
If any store employee should greet you with the Christmas-hating code-words “Happy Holidays,” you must immediately report the incident to the war’s generals like O’Reilly and Gibson so that they can devote entire programs to this issue. You should also demand to the offending employees’ supervisors that they be fired, or at the very least be sent to re-education camps where they can learn the true meaning of Christmas, which is that it is the time of year when people who have both deep faith and lots of disposable income are strongly urged to engage in a orgy of conspicuous consumption and trample over other people in stores to obtain hard-to-get but highly desired toys for their already pampered children.
People are already sounding the alarm about the dangers to Christianity posed by the rise of Islamojihadifascism in the US. One Wal-Mart store this year has decided to preemptively deflect any accusations that it might be a front organization for al Qaeda, suspicions which were fueled last year by it having what it called a ‘holiday shop’, which everyone knows is code for saying they welcome Christmas haters. “They’re decking the halls inside this Wal-Mart in Germantown, Maryland. . .where a Christmas shop replaces last year’s holiday shop. Christmas carols will soon resonate throughout the store and a countdown to Christmas sign is front and center.”
But despite all this vigilance, the US is still not safe for Christians. Attempts at subverting its Christian heritage are everywhere. An example of the creeping Islamification that is going on is the election of Keith Ellison to Congress from the state of Minnesota. He is the first Muslim (converting to that religion at the age of 19) to be elected to that body and Important Questions are already being raised such as what book he will be using to be sworn in. Could it be (oh, the horror!) the Koran?
Unfortunately, because of the existence of Article VI, Section 3 of that pesky god-hating document known as the US constitution that bars any religious test for the holding of public office, no one is required to swear on the Bible but can simply affirm their intent to uphold the constitution. If people do want to bring their religion in using a book as a prop, they are free to do so and I am pretty certain that Jews and Christians in Congress do not swear on exactly the same book. Some of the secular humanist heathen hiding in our midst might use this to argue that the addition of yet another religious book for swearing should hardly be a problem.
This kind of subversive thinking must be suppressed. True soldiers of Christ view the prospect of Ellison swearing on the Koran as a source of major concern, the thin edge of the wedge. To allow such things is to risk have the US turn away from Jesus and becoming a godless heathen nation, or even worse, have everyone converting to Islam. It is only a short step from that to banning alcohol and insisting on having women fully covered from head to toe and kept separate from men who are not family members. This would take all the meaning out of traditional religious Christmas ceremonies like office parties, and eliminate such time-honored rituals like throwing up and passing out on the floor.
As I have written before, fortunately there are still some vigilant guardians of religious traditions, like the judge in North Carolina who ruled that a prospective juror could not swear on the Koran. Perhaps that decision could be used as a precedent to prevent Ellison carrying out his diabolical plan.
So in the next few weeks we should all listen carefully and get our instructions from upstanding Christians like O’Reilly and Gibson and Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell and James Dobson, all of whom will prescribe exactly what are the allowable forms that “peace on earth and goodwill to all people” should take so that we can celebrate the holiday the old-fashioned way, by making life miserable for those who don’t act the way we think they should.
Let’s all join the war against those who reveal their hatred of Christmas by trying to make it more inclusive. Because that’s what Jesus would do.