Ed Brayton accidentally launched an epic comment thread last week when he discussed his least favorite songs. I hate to tell you all, the worst song of all time is actually by an atheist.
Don’t avert your eyes. Make yourself watch it.
Jimmy Buffett – Fruitcakes
I used to work in a used CD store in a sleepy Florida town. Our favorite thing to do was to get buzzed and try to find the worst song in the entire store. We played this game for months.
We had a multi-disc changer so that music would always be playing, even after the first disc ended. So what started as a joke, turned into a wost-off tradition. The only rule was ‘nothing bad on purpose’.
B-sides of Paula Abdul remix single’s, obscure 80′s Central American wannabe synth-crooners, even music sold by German tourists (like David Hasslehoff)… Every few days we found a new champion.
When we discovered Fruitcakes… it remained champion (?) until I stopped working there. Several months, at least. You can’t win ‘em all, atheists.
Oh, and I think this Soviet guy is statistically somewhat likely to be an atheist too:
Though this is not ‘bad on purpose’, deep cuts from YouTube also seem to violate the spirit of the game. Jimmy Buffett still ‘wins’.
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Chris Ho-Stuart
December 1, 2011 at 12:17 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
But, but, … I liked it! I’m still grinning.
Justin Griffith
December 1, 2011 at 12:31 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Mea Culpa Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa… Indeed.
robinbaker
December 1, 2011 at 1:11 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Sorry Justin, as a confirmed Parrothead, “Fruitcakes” is one of my favorite songs. And I’m not sure that deep in his heart Jimmy doesn’t believe in God. I will agree that he doesn’t believe in organized religion. And if you think the “characters” in this video are weird, you should see the people that come to his concerts and tailgate. If any one is interested check out Margaritaville dot com and look at the videos posted there.
Justin Griffith
December 1, 2011 at 1:14 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
You should see the Parrot Heads beating me up on Facebook right now. They’re pretty funny.
One Furious Llama
December 1, 2011 at 1:24 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Gaaaaaaahhh. That is all.
Midnight Rambler
December 1, 2011 at 5:11 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Seriously? I don’t like it, but it’s way, way, far from the worst. At least I got halfway through this one before it just got kind of boring; if it was background music I’d probably be too lazy to turn it off. I live in a place where the best radio stations play about 70% crap (the rest are 100%), and there are a lot of songs I have to scramble to turn off immediately.
F
December 1, 2011 at 7:59 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
It’s already remarkable that I’m still on this page after seeing the words Jiminy Buffet. I don’t want to push my luck, and get all Jimmy-rolled.
Mr. Upright
December 1, 2011 at 9:13 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Sorry, this is the worst song of all time: http://youtu.be/gTF97_ve118
“Come with me my sweet
Let’s go make a family
And they will bring us joy
For always.”
I rest my case.
Killer
December 1, 2011 at 9:17 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I love it!!
Marnie
December 1, 2011 at 10:35 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
If this song gets stuck in my head, I’m hunting you down like a Terry Wrist.
ottod
December 1, 2011 at 11:14 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
The video is horrible and made me go looking for a Zantac. Jimmy Buffett has, as they used to say, the perfect face for radio. It’s just not fair to use that video as the source for judging the song.
It’s not a great song, but it has more eternal truth than “A White Sport Coat and a Pink Crustacean,” and I liked that one too.
Preston Page
December 1, 2011 at 1:04 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
This is not only a GREAT song, the rest of the album is BETTER!!!!!
Amadan
December 2, 2011 at 4:01 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Sorry folks, you’re looking in the wrong place.
The worst songs in the world are unquestionably to be found in the archives of the Eurovision Song Contest.
Turkey’s 1983 contribution -- Opera -- is the undisputed champion of the genre. It may only be listened to using court-approved ear-plugs. The official video is distributed with a container of eye-bleach.
Art
December 2, 2011 at 4:06 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Duuuude …
Fruitcake isn’t all that bad. Yes, I’ll grant you, that it would get tiresome, possibly to the point of going postal, if played too often. The same can be said for “Freebird”, which, by rights, should be limited to one play a year. Same with “Grandma got run over by a reindeer” and “I love you babe”. Once a year and then back into their cage.
That said, living in Florida and being a definite head, parrot and otherwise, the later more symbolically than real now that I’m older, and admitting that I haven’t hear “Fruitcake” for a coon’s age I could stand hearing it a few times. Evidently absence does make the heart grow fonder.
I’m sure with a little warm Florida sand between your toes, a huff on an(entirely symbolic) fatty, and a bit of rum punch you would agree.
docsarvis
December 2, 2011 at 8:41 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’m with Art. Buffet’s song isn’t the worst I have heard, it’s just middle-of-the-road crap. Most of the songs I saw mentioned in Ed Brayton’s thread are worse than this Jimmy Buffet throwaway piece. If you want to hear some real dreck, try Mother in Law by Ernie K. Doe, or The Rapper by the Jaggerz.
Aquaria
December 2, 2011 at 10:36 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Oh, come on “Always”? That’s nothing!
Here, try these songs:
Mine is (Oh Ho Ho It’s) Magic, by Pilot.
Yeah, it was fucking magic, all right. Whenever that song came on the radio, my radio somehow ended up turned off!
Here are the lyrics. Ready?
Dumbest and most annoying song. EVER.
My stepfather’s all-time most hated song was “Billy Don’t Be a Hero” by Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods. That was a really wretched song, but not quite as craptacular as “Magic” in my estimation.
Here are some more all-time horrible songs that make Always look like fine art:
Afternoon Delight--Starlight Vocal Band
Midnight at the Oasis by Maria Muldaur
Suds in the Bucket by Sara Evans
Cherry Pie by Warrant
Who Let the Dogs Out by whoeverthefuckthatwas
Torn Between Two Lovers by Mary McGregor
Blue Jeans On by whoeverthefuckthatwas
Chevy Van either version by whoeverthefuckeitherofthemwas
Convoy by whoeverthefuckthatwas
All I Need by whoeverthefuckthatwas that was on General Hospital
You Make Me Feel Like Dancing by Leo Sayer
Emotional Rescue by The Rolling Stones
She’s Like the Wind by Patrick Swayze
Su-Su-Suck-it-Yo!, er, Susudio by Phil Collins
Video Killed the Radio Star by whoeverthefuckthatwas
Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard
When I’m with You by Sheriff
The Thong Song by whoeverthefuckthatwas
Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler
From a Distance by Bette Midler
99 Red Balloons by whoeverthefuckthat was
Pilot of the Airwaves by Charlie Dore
Bring (Bring a Bong)--er Sing (Sing a Song) by the Carpenters. Hell, everything by the Carpenters.
Everything by George Harrison after All Things Must Pass
Everything by Paul McCartney after the Beatles besides “Maybe I’m Amazed” or that isn’t on the Band on the Run album. Okay, I’ll give “Goodbye Tonight” a provisional pass for McCartney remembering he could be a decent bass player and pull off minimalism when it suited.
Everything by Elvis after he joined the Army. Except for 1968. And “Lonesome Tonight.”
Everything by the Rolling Stones after 1986.
Everything by Pat Boone, Samantha Fox, Air Supply, Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, John Denver, The Spice Girls, Poison, Nickelback and Creed.
There is a special place in hell for that stupid tractor song by Kenny Chesney, or whatever his name is.
Aquaria
December 2, 2011 at 10:45 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I think it’s a kinda fun song. Had me laughing, anyway. Good ol’ Jimmy. I can see the Parrotheads dancing like mad at the concert already.
Twitter Expert in London
February 14, 2012 at 8:01 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I take pleasure in, lead to I found exactly what I used to be having a look for. You’ve ended my four day long hunt! God Bless you man. Have a nice day. Bye
la martina polos
April 1, 2012 at 12:25 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Hi, good article. Let’s just hope things get better… my stock investment is doing real bad now!