HAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

Fucke you, Lackey, you fucken dumshitte! You sure “punished” Cervelli for clapping by plunking him, and now he’s on third fucken base with no outs. Fucken asshole red sock motherfuckers.

UPDATE: And now he just scored ON A DOUBLE PLAY. Way to keep your eye on the fucken prize, Lackey, you big dumb douchewheel.

Hurricane Armageddon Rigatoni Ragu

INGREDIENTS

one pound rigatoni (spend the money on decent dried pasta)
3/4 pound ground meat (I used an even beef/pork/veal mix)
1/3 cup diced onion
1/3 cup diced carrot
1/3 cup diced celery
six cloves garlic, diced
one bay leaf
one large can crushed san marzano tomatoes
salt and pepper
olive oil
one cup white wine
half cup milk
two tablespoons butter
half cup grated parmigiano reggiano
two tablespoons chopped flat parsley

Sautee the onions, carrot, and celery with generous cracked black until the carrots are starting to soften. Then throw in the garlic and continue to sautee.

When the garlic is nice and soft and golden, throw in the meat, and continue to sautee, breaking it up real well. You can turn up the heat a bit so the meat browns somewhat, but don’t char it.

Meat is done.

Deglaze with the wine, and reduce vigorously until the liquid is almost all gone.

Add the milk, and reduce vigorously until the liquid is pretty much all gone.

This is the final meat product.

Add the tomatoes, cover, and simmer on lowest heat for at least two hours, and the longer the better. Add salt to taste while it cooks.

This is the final ragu. As you can see, even simmering covered, it does reduce quite a bit, and you may need to add some water partway through. For any vegetarians, I suspect that this recipe would work nicely substituting a meaty mushroom–like portobella or shitake–for the meat.

Use high quality pasta. It’s worth the extra couple dollars.

This is a little out of focus, but you can still see that the surface of the pasta is rough–fuzzy white–not smooth. This is because they use brass dies with some sort of special surface to extrude the pasta, which gives it the rough surface. You want this, because it helps the sauce adhere to and permeate the surface of the pasta.

Boil the pasta in salty water until it is molto al dente, drain (reserving one half cup pasta water), add to the ragu with the one half cup pasta water, and stir to evenly coat and finish the pasta for about one minute one medium-low heat. Be careful stirring, as rigatoni is more fragile than smaller pasta, like fusilli or penne.

Turn off the heat, throw in the grated cheese, butter, and parsley. Stir to incorporate.

Plate and grate! The cool thing about rigatoni is that the motherfucken sauce gets inside the lumen of the tube!

Hurricane Emergency Preparedness Breakfast

This is a fried egg on polenta with comte cheese. The large black flakes are mediterranean black diamond finishing salt. Here is the polenta recipe:

Mix one cup of milk and one cup of water and bring to a simmer, adding salt and fresh-ground black pepper to taste. Mix one cup stone-ground yellow corn meal with one cup cold water and whisk to make a smooth slurry. Whisk in the corn meal slurry into the simmering diluted milk, and bring back to a simmer. Cook with regular whisking for about 20-30 minutes, until it is very smooth. You may need to add some more water if it gets too thick.

When it is done, whisk in one tablespoon butter and one cup grated comte cheese until fully incorporated, turn off the heat, cover, and allow to rest while you fry the eggs, grinding some black pepper on top. (I haven’t fried eggs in a long time, and I slightly overcooked the one in the picture.)

Veal Piccata With Porcini Risotto

INGREDIENTS

three quarters ounce dried porcini mushrooms
four pasture-raised veal scallopinis
flour
salt and pepper (I used my new blend)
olive oil
half cup diced onion
fucketonne diced garlic
juice of one half lemon
three tablespoons chopped flat parsley
one and one half cups dry white wine
two cups veal or chicken stock (or other stock)
one cup vialone nano rice
half cup grated parmigiano reggiano
one tablespoon butter

Boil two cups of water, turn off heat, and drop in the porcinis. Cover and allow to steep for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Mix some flour with salt and fresh-ground black pepper and spread evenly in a plate. Dredge scallopinis in the mixture, coating very well.

Sautee the scallopinis in hot oil until just done (about one minute on each side), and reserve on a plate, covered in foil.

Strain the porcini liquor, add one cup of veal or chicken stock (or vegetable stock or whatever), and bring up to four cups total with water. This is the risotto cooking broth, and should be brought to a low simmer in a separate pot. (I discard the porcinis, because I dislike their texture, but you can keep them to put in the risotto if you want.)

Sautee one half fucketonne of garlic in the veal pan and one half fucketonne in the risotto pan, adding fresh-ground black pepper to each. From this point on, you are cooking the risotto and the piccata sauce simultaneously.

When the piccata garlic is nice and golden, deglaze with the lemon juice and one cup white wine, and put on low simmer.

When the risotto garlic is soft (you don’t want to brown it), add the rice and continue to sautee until the rice is fully coated in oil and starting to smell toasty (about five minutes).

Deglaze the risotto pan with one half cup white wine.

Start cooking the risotto in the usual way, adding simmering broth ladle-by-ladle, stirring to incorporate over medium-low flame between ladles.

When the risotto is done turn off the heat (anywhere from 16-20 minutes: the rice should be firmer than you ultimately want it, as it will continue to cook after heat is off), add the cheese, butter, and one tablespoon parsley, stir well to incorporate fully, and replace cover to rest.

While the risotto rests, finish the piccata sauce. Add one cup stock and two tablespoons parsley, and turn up heat to reduce and thicken. Depending on how much flour remains in the pan from the veal, you may need to add a little more flour to thicken nicely.

EATTE THE FUCKEN SHITTE!!!!!!!!!!11!11!!111!!!

Fucke Religion

If there were a hell, filthy lying hate-filled religious scum would burn there for all eternity. Of all the most vile destructive heinous aspects of humanity, religion ranks up there with war, rape, and slavery.

Fucken Hell

Listening to these fatuous coddled millionaire teevee douchebagge motherfuckers exhorting the little people about how to behave during this hurricane makes me want to fucken hammer nails through my fucken dicke. I hope trees fall on these assholes as they walk from the teevee studio to their fucken limos and then as they lie there on the ground wild beavers unleashed by the flooding bite them in the fucken crotch, twice.