Interesting

The Yankees have played four games so far on their West Coast road trip. The first two were night games at 10PM East Coast time, and they lost both. The next two were day games at 4PM East Coast time, and they won both. Physiology’s a fucker.

Motherfucken Pizza With Caesar Salad

Dough Ingredients

3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons lukewarm water
2 3/4 cups baking flour
1 tablespoon active dry yeast
1 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1/2 cup flour for working dough

Dissolve the yeast in the lukewarm water, mix well, and let sit for ten minutes. Mix the flour and salt in a bowl, pour one tablespoon of olive oil on top, and then pour on yeasty water.

Stir with a fork incorporating the liquid into the flour until it forms a dough.

Knead on a wooden board for ten minutes, dusting board liberally with flour as needed. Thanks, PhysioWife!

Form into a ball, put in a big bowl (brushed with olive oil), brush ball with oilve oil, and cover tightly with plastic wrap. Allow to rise to about double the original size, for one and a half to two hours. While the dough is rising, make all the other shitte.

Pizza Sauce Ingredients

one medium onion, diced finely
fucketonne of garlic, diced very finely
one large can crushed san marzano tomatoes
dried oregano
salt and pepper
olive oil
pisco

if you want sausage topping, take the sausage out of the casings and sautee over medium-low heat until fully cooked, breaking apart with your wooden spoon. Remove from pan and allow to drain in paper towels.

Add olive oil to pan, and sautee the onions until starting to soften, then add the garlic and fresh-ground black pepper, and sautee until the garlic starts to soften. Don’t cook the onions and garlic as much as you would for a risotto or pasta sauce. You want them to still have integrity in the final sauce.

Deglaze with pisco, and reduce until alcohol is gone.

Add tomatoes, cover, and turn heat to lowest setting. Simmer for about 30-45 minutes, adding a generous amount of dried oregano with about 15 minutes to go. You don’t want to reduce this sauce as much as you would a pasta sauce.

Caesar Salad Dressing Ingredients

four cloves garlic
half cup olive oil
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon worcestershire sauce
two tablespoons lemon juice
one large egg
one teaspoon Colman’s dried mustard
half cup parmigiano reggiano
1/4 teaspoon black pepper

Put garlic and oil in blender, and blend the shitte out of itte. Then add all the other ingredients, and blend the fucke out of itte. (If you are a fucken fraidy-cat, you can substitute two tablespoons of mayo for the egg.) Put the shitte in the fridge while you make the motherfucken pizza.

Beat down the risen dough, and spread it out into a pizza, as thin as possible. Thanks, PhysioWife!

Cover the pizza peel with corn meal.

Slide the motherfucker under the dough.

Top the pizza with sauce, grated fresh mozzarella, and the sausage (or whatever the fucke you want).

Slide that motherfucker onto the pizza stone in a 450-470 degree oven. Note that the pizza stone will take longer to come to temperature itself than the oven, and it needs to reach temperature, or the crust won’t bake all the way through. Also, don’t put the fucken pizza stone cold into a hot oven, or the motherfucker will crack.

While the pizza is baking, toss the romaine lettuce with the caesar dressing, and throw some extra grated parmigiano on top.

Remove the pizza from the oven with the peel when itte’s done. Itte should take ten to twelve minutes.

Slice the pizza with one of those pizza-slicer wheelio dealios and EATTE ITTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomato Mascarpone Fusilli (100% Vegetarian)

Since we had leftover mascarpone cheese, I improvised a tomato mascarpone fusilli dish. It was totally fucken kickeasse, and 100% vegetarian!

Ingredients

one pound fusilli
olive oil
crushed red pepper flakes
salt and pepper
one large can san marzano tomatoes (crushed or diced)
one medium onion, finely diced
fucketonne of garlic, very finely diced
biggeasse splash of corenwijn
hugeasse splash of dry white wine
two tablespoons chopped flat-leaf parsley
125 grams of mascarpone
two tablespoons grated parmigiano reggiano (plus more for serving)

Sautee the onions and crushed red pepper flakes (as much or as little as you want; I used about one teaspoon, roughly) until the onions are starting to caramelize, on medium-low. Add the garlic and continue to sautee until the garlic is translucent.

Deglaze with corenwijn and wine, and turn up heat to medium.

Reduce until all the alcohol is gone.

Add the tomatoes, turn heat down to low, cover, and simmer until the tomatoes have cooked nicely and reduced by about half (if cover is too tight to reduce, leave it open a little crack). This is what it looks like when it’s about done, after about forty minutes.

When the sauce is almost done, boil up the pasta in salty water until it is molto al dente. Drain and add to the sauce, and stir it in, continuing to cook for a few minutes until it is evenly coated. Turn off the heat, dump in the mascarpone, parmigiano reggiano, and parsley, and stir until fully incorporated.

Plate itte and grate itte!

FUCKE YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!111!!1!!!!11!

Veal Milanese With Mascarpone Risotto

Ingredients:

veal scallopine
plain bread crumbs
flour
eggs
salt and pepper
one cup carnaroli rice
olive oil
canola oil
one third cup finely diced onion
one third cup finely diced shallot
two lemons
splash of pisco
one half to two thirds cup of dry white wine
125 grams mascarpone cheese
two tablespoons grated parmigiano reggiano
two tablespoons finely chopped flat-leaf parsley
one quart home made chicken stock (from butcher), diluted 1:1 with water (i.e., yield two quarts)

Sautee onions and shallot on medium-low with fresh-ground black pepper until starting to caramelize.

Add rice and sautee until starting to turn translucent and smell toasty, around four-five minutes.

Add pisco, white wine, and juice of one half lemon, and turn heat up to medium.

When all alcohol has evaporated off, start the usual cooking process: ladling in hot broth a ladle or two at a time, stirring occasionally. (Vegetable or mushroom broth, or even just water, can be substituted for a vegetarian version.) The heat for cooking should be at a level that it takes about twenty minutes to cook. If the heat is too low and the cooking takes more than thirty minutes, then the risotto will turn to mush by the time it cooks fully. Turn off heat when risotto is just al dente.

Add the mascarpone and parmigiano reggiano, and the parsley, stir well to incorporate cheeses fully, and cover to rest.

While the risotto is cooking, salt and pepper the scallopines, dredge in flour, then egg, and then bread crumbs, being certain to evenly and thoroughly coat in the bread crumbs. Then pan fry the motherfuckers in hot canola oil at a depth so that only the bottom side is immersed in oil, turning once.

Plate it with a lemon wedge to squeeze on the veal. FUCKE YEAH!

Plea to the Universe

Can prominent authors please be at least a little bit realistic about the quality and interest-level of the manuscripts they submit to high-impact journals, and can the editors of those journals please not be such fucken fraidy-cats about telling those authors that their submissions are shitte and not worth reviewing? Because I am getting sick of wasting my time reviewing boring, shoddy, shitte-asse papers for high-impact journals just to see them rejected.