Sep 22 2009

How To Not Be A Total Motherfucking Douche In Line At Starbucks

(1) Make up your motherfucking mind about what motherfucking drink you want during the five minutes you have been waiting in the motherfucking line, not after you reach the head of the line and the motherfucking barista asks you what the fuck you want.

(2) Put away the motherfucking cell phone while you engage in your transaction with the motherfucking barista, as opposed to reaching the head of the line, being asked by the motherfucking barista what the fuck you want, and telling her to please wait a second and then proceeding to continue your motherfucking cell phone conversation about how cute your stupid motherfucking spawn who just started first motherfucking grade is while the rest of the poor fucks in line stand there like motherfucking idiots.


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  1. 1

    A little caffeine-deprived are we? :-)

  2. 2
    Connecticut Man1

    We have 4 kids so it often takes a few minutes to sort out what we want at a fast food place or a Starbucks. BUT we do it before we get to the cash register to order. If we haven’t sorted it out yet? We let people go ahead of us.

  3. 3

    LOL. I was reading through my RSS feeds and at first assumed this was coming in from Salon or Slate. I guess either the ‘motherfucking’ or ‘douchebag’ clued me in.

    Seriously though, #2 needs a knee in the groin.

  4. 4
    ambivalent academic

    Somebody needs his ventiextrahotdoubleshotskinnylattenowhip with a shot of motherfucking Jameson’s this morning.

  5. 5
    Physiogroupie IV

    that is easy.

    grande of one the following:
    iced caramel macchiato, mocha frapuccino, mocha, raspberry mocha, pumpkin latte and in the winter: (white)peppermint mocha, or caramel apple spice

    i do really well at sfn b/c i go to the starbucks that are just outside the convention center instead of the ones that have lines a gadzillion people long. man, this is like letting the cat out of the bag that you can shorten the length of your lanyard to prevent boob-leering (men) from staring at your chest during the whole meeting.

  6. 6
    SC (Salty Current)

    “How To Not Be A Total Motherfucking Douche…”

    Er,…don’t go to Starbucks?

    *runs* :P

  7. 7
    Science Bear

    I’m not a fan of Starbucks (or coffee in general for that matter, but couldn’t agree with you more!!

    This should be posted at the entrance to EVERY fast food style eatery. A special clause should be made for the way you pay for your eventual purchase too.

  8. 8
    Science Bear

    … forgot to close my parentheses, but you all get the idea.

  9. 9
    El Picador

    Watchit Physiogropie, this is a family blog.

  10. 10
    Physiogroupie IV

    El Pic, don’t you mean a motherfucking family blog? I have two links for you.

    Name tags


  11. 11
    Physiogroupie IV

    Cool. Both of those links work on my browser. Second link is the happy face.

  12. 12
    El Picador

    Aaaagh. I thought that DrugMonkey blog was respectable. What’s that soft-core porn doing on there????

  13. 13
    Ouyang Dan

    Dude…seriously…when I was a fucking barista I had to restrain myself from trowing things at people who would come up still on their cell phones. I would bet that at least 30% of mistakes are because douche bags would not hear the barista read back what they ordered because they couldn’t be arsed to stop their conversation and would just nod. Then, they get their fucking drink and all of a sudden the barista is the moron because they made it wrong…but that’s OK, b/c I have nothing better to do with my time than stop the production line and remake your drink. Because that is the fucking company policy. It’s never your fault, you see…

    PP, you are a motherfucking genius. But you already knew that.

  14. 14

    How To Not Be A Total Motherfucking Douche In Line At Starbucks?

    Go to a fucking coffee store if you want some fucking coffee.

    Amen to the cellphones comment though. Ear rubbing nobs.

  15. 15

    I say when you go to Starbucks folks “act like you have been there before”…..know what caffine loaded jolt you are looking for before you get to the front of the line!!!111!!1

  16. 16

    An old friend of mine, who works at a downtown Subway, just pretends the assholes on cellphones don’t exist and waits on the next customer in line. Douche on cellphone finishes conversation and tries to order – sent to the end of the line or, if they don’t like it – out the motherfucking door. They threatened to fire her for it, so she walked out the door – manager called her five minutes later to express his willingness to compromise – the final compromise being that she does things her way…

  1. 17
    Thursday Blogwhoring « random babble…

    [...] PhysioProf:  How To Not Be A Total Motherfucking Douche In Line At Starbucks.  (As a former barista, let me say, [...]

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