Quantcast

«

»

Aug 09 2009

I Am An American Conservative Shitheel

This shit is too fucking brilliant not to post (h/t I can’t fucking remember):

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US department of energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the national weather service of the national oceanographic and atmospheric administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the national aeronautics and space administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US department of agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the food and drug administration.

At the appropriate time as regulated by the US congress and kept accurate by the national institute of standards and technology and the US naval observatory, I get into my national highway traffic safety administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the environmental protection agency, using legal tender issed by the federal reserve bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US postal service and drop the kids off at the public school.

After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the department of labor and the occupational safety and health administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to ny house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal’s inspection, and which has not been plundered of all it’s valuables thanks to the local police department.

I then log on to the internet which was developed by the defense advanced research projects administration and post on freerepublic.com and fox news forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can’t do anything right.

26 comments

1 ping

Skip to comment form

  1. 1
    Noadi

    I keep imagining these guys as the People’s Front of Judea. What have the Romans… I mean government… ever done for us? Most of the list is actually the same.

  2. 2
    Kevin Z

    Christ-child in a burning manger! Brilliance. Except (s)he missed the opportunity to list the state and federal agencies responsible for subsidizing their kids’ education!

    I have a “real job” and still with a family of 4 to support am straddling the poverty guidelines set by the State of North Carolina and the Health and Human Services (updated annually by our Federal Census Bureau) in order to measure the status of American’s income and make sure shit is getting out whack too much (statistically speaking anyways). Because of their monitoring, limits were set that were able to help families like mine when I was a graduate student so that we didn’t freeze in the winter, could afford basic nutritious food items and were able to receive the best healthcare I have yet to receive in my 12 years of managing my own healthcare. Now with my “real job”, I have worse coverage, pay 1/7th of each month’s paycheck to Blue Cross/Blue Shield and pay more out of pocket… Yeah the system is just peachy-fuck-me-king.

  3. 3
    Bob O'H

    Didn’t Grrlscientist publish this ages ago? IIRC, someone posted a Repub reply, which failed to hit the spot. Hm, I guess I should ask her.

  4. 4
    Eric

    Abso-fucking-lutely Brilliant!

    Kevin I feel your pain! Since I was self employed and unemployed for so long we actually had to forego health insurance. Haven’t had it for almost 7 years. Talk about scary. Grad school health insurance is awesome! And affordable too.

  5. 5
    Bob O'H

    Ah, it wasn’t the same one. I now have a vision of a whole sub-genre on the web filled with these sorts of essays, demonstrating the joys of socialism, republicanism, big government, small government, and oppressive tyranny (aka marriage).

  6. 6
    LostMarbles

    Free Market Fairy Dust(tm) would work better, damn it!

  7. 7
    missincognegro

    Perhaps we need to send this post to the pseudo- journalists over at Fake News Channel. This *is* a brilliant piece.

    Re: government-sponsored healthcare: I think that there is a clear message being communicated by many on the Right, and a fair number on the Left, that healthcare is only for the privileged.

  8. 8
    romunov

    We’ll see how great this is when you, your kids, your grand kids and so forth, pick up the check. :)

  9. 9
    Larry H.

    Libertarianism is fundamentally an ethical justification for slavery.

  10. 10
    Candid Engineer

    Love it.

  11. 11
    arvind

    Heh. A few years back, I remember reading a thread on an Indian web forum where a libertarian was asked that if the socialist model of USSR failed because it didn’t take human greed into account, isn’t the libertarian founding model of USA going to fail by the same token because it does not take human need for security into account as evidenced by the safety nets and standards legislated into place over the years with full populist support?
    Guess what his answer was? He said that while human need for security is an undeniable reality, it was a human weakness akin to the desire to not ruffle any feathers and just get along instead of challenging patriarchy in a social setting. That’s right! He insisted that libertarianism was exactly like feminism!!! He was adamant that there was technically no difference between mandating minimum wage and banning abortion, and that the oppression of libertarians by government regulation was exactly like the oppression of women by the patriarchy. And that “setbacks” like FDR’s new deal were obstacles stopping the US from reaching its full potential.

  12. 12
    peter

    After watching some of the “town hall” meetings and the utter nonsense spouted there I can only say:
    Americans apparently have the health care they deserve.
    I can go to the hospital and not have to worry how my family can afford the medical interventions.
    But that is after all “socialist” Canada.
    We do not deserve a health care system that brings us to the brink of personal bankruptcy when we have to have major surgery.

  13. 13
    Narya

    Look for a federally qualified community health center (FQHC). They use a sliding fee scale based on family size & income, and they are required to take all comers, regardless of insurance status. Given that you have some insurance, that will benefit them & you. (Email me if you want/need more info.)

  14. 14
    Narya

    In fact, here: http://www.ncchca.org/177887.ihtml

  15. 15
    Kevin Z

    Of course there are none within a 2 hour driving radius from me on the coast! Go figure lol… Thanks though!

  16. 16
    Narya

    Keep your eyes open, though; the administration has been increasing funding to various community health center programs, and one may decide to open a branch near you.

  17. 17
    Metalistik

    I am an American Liberal Deuche

    This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated, but not controlled or dispensed by the US department of energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility which has always had a monopolist, ironclad grip on that whole sector.
    After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels, the content of which is provided by private news firms, to see what the national weather service of the national oceanographic and atmospheric administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the national aeronautics and space administration as well as other private firms, such as Lockeed-Martin, Northop and Boeing just to name a few, without which the US space program and modern day NWS and NOAA would not exist.
    I watched this while eating my breakfast of US department of agriculture inspected food which was grown and raised by private farms and coops, and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the food and drug administration, but made and dispensed by those evil drug companies.
    At the appropriate time as regulated by the US congress and kept accurate by the national institute of standards and technology and the US naval observatory, which uses the Atomic Clock, first manufactured by National Company of Malden and now maintained by HP, I get into my national highway traffic safety administration approved automobile which would fall apart within a mile if manufactured by them, and set out to work on the roads build by the private contractor firms which bid on contracts sent out by federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the environmental protection agency yet still provided and dispensed by the evil oil companies, using legal tender issued by the federal reserve bank which would be worth as much as toilet paper if not for the private market.
    On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US postal service, which is going under like the mighty Titanic due to their poor management and drop the kids off at the public school which is not nearly as good as a private school, but it’s free, right? After you pay for it with your taxes, that is.
    After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the regulations imposed by the department of labor and the occupational safety and health administration on my workplace which is most likely a private firm as well, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, plus the fact that living customers are a lot more useful to private food manufacturers then dead ones, I drive my ,NHTSA regulated but not built, car back home on the DOT roads built by private contractors, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal’s inspection and the fact that the private contractor firm that built it knew what they were doing, and which has not been plundered of all it’s valuables thanks to the local police department which heavily relies on cooperation with private security firms.
    I then log on to the internet which was developed by the defense advanced research projects administration but brought to people like you and me by “hackers” from MIT and then “pipelined” by AT&T and post on a plethora of blogs about how SOCIALISM in medicine is not so BAD because the government needs to wipe my nose for me, since I can’t do it myself and don’t know the difference between regulatory agencies versus manufacturers and providers of goods and services.

  18. 18
    randy milton

    This morning I woke up late. My alarm clock which is powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US Department of Energy failed to go off because of a power outage. Apparently the labor union at the plant which was empowered by the government sponsored Employee Free Choice Act went on strike because 45 minute breaks per hour were not long enough. They brought in scabs and got the plant back up and running. I turned on the tv to one of the FCC regulated channels to watch a program with my daughter and am embarrassed when Janet Jackson’s breast flashes across my screen and my daughter asks me why that is on tv. I quickly change the channel to see what the weather is going to be like as predicted by the national weather service of the national oceanographic and atmospheric administration. Yesterday they had predicted that there would be torrential downpours with a 100 percent certainty. However, I look out the window and there is not a cloud in the sky and it is as sunny as can be. I wish I could be wrong 50% of the time and have people use me as an example of government excellence. I suppose if we had a few more satellites designed, built, and launched by the national aeronautics and space administration that they could be more accurate. Unfortunately, they were scheduled to be launched on board the Challenger and Columbia space shuttles and never quite made it into orbit for some reason.

    As I was watching the weather, I started eating my breakfast of bacon and eggs (US Department of Agriculture inspected) when an alert comes on the tv screen announcing a recall of bacon AND eggs. Apparently there is salmonella poisoning for some reason and there have been 32 deaths already. I pop one of my FDA-approved Vioxx pills for my arthritis and then a commercial comes on from a law firm suing the makers of the food and drug administration approved drug because of the heart attacks and strokes this drug causes.

    I have to go to the Driver’s License office today to renew my license to be able to drive on the pothole infested roads built by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation. I get into my national highway safety administration approved Ford Explorer and start the engine. On the radio, I hear another alert—they are recalling my government approved Ford Explorer because it rolls over if you take a curve at normal speeds. I fill my gas tank with environmental protection agency approved gasoline, only to have my engine skipping because the ethanol content in the gas is too high (and gets worse gas mileage). I pay for this gas with the legal tender printed by the government, but the gas station clerk tells me the price has doubled on the gas because the government has printed entirely too much of said legal tender.

    I need to mail some letters to my friends, but I can’t find the post office. They have closed all the branches in my area because they are running a $6 Billion per year deficit.

    At the driver’s license office, I stand in line for 4 hours. When I finally get to the front of the line, I have to fill out a 27 page renewal application.

    I stop by the car dealership on the way to work to take advantage of the government Cash for Clunkers program. The dealer takes my car, fills the engine with silicone, and then proceeds to tell me that they are no longer participating in the program. They have fronted all of the money, but have been reimbursed for less than 2% of the cars they have sold. This is surprising, he tells me, because the government promised a 10 day turn around time on repayment, even after he had to hire three extra people to fill out each of the 37 page applications. The cost for these three people, of course, was passed onto consumers in the form of a higher sticker price for the cars. He then said it was ok–the government received a whopping 457,000 applications for the program nationwide, and couldn’t possibly be expected to turn those around inside a year’s time. He was telling me that despite this, they would be able to handle health care claims for 350 million people in a quick and efficient manner.

    When I go into work, I see all my coworkers filing out with boxes. When I ask what is going on, I find out that our company is having to shut down. Our company owner said that due to the OSHA mandated $3000 ergonomically safe chairs for each person, the government mandated 40 hour safety training, government reporting requirements, and the increase in corporate tax rates, he was no longer able to keep the doors open.

    As I get home, I am not pleased. My house has been plundered because the entire police department was not patrolling today. They were required to attend government mandated sensitivity training in a three day seminar and apparently the bad guys knew this.

    By some stroke of luck, the bad guys didn’t steal my computer. I log onto the internet which was developed by the defense advanced research projects administration (and Al Gore) and immediately get a computer virus. Once I am finally able to rid my computer of this problem, I log onto CNN.com, ABC.com, NBC.com, and CBS.com and post in their forums about how socialism in medicine is good because the government does everything right.

  19. 19
    Comrade PhysioProf

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!! Yeah, that would be pretty damning, if it weren’t all completely and totally FALSE!!!!!!!

    You credulous dumbshit right-wingers really are pathetically stupid. You’re a bunch of pre-teens screaming at your parents “I DON’T NEED YOU! I HATE YOU! YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!”

    For fuck’s sake, it’s time to give up the infantile fantasies, get a grip, and grow the fuck up.

  20. 20
    SW

    Hahah totally I forgot about that Life of Brian quote! Perfect. “And sanitation… remember how it was before… Oh yeah!”

  21. 21
    SW

    Hey I think I coined the phrase “free market fairy dust!” The maagical unseen hand of capitalism will sprinkle free market fairy dust on everyting and make it aaaal beter! Hahah glad to see it catching on whoever invented it :)

  22. 22
    SW

    “We’ll see how great this is when you, your kids, your grand kids and so forth, pick up the check.” Since the HC reform bill actually lowers the deficit in 10 years (unless Republicans f-it up somehow), the check will be just fine thank you. It will be a good day when we’re not picking up the check for billion dollar ceo bonuses and shareholder profits and 1.5 million per day in lobbyists from insurance companies.

  23. 23
    SW

    “But that is after all “socialist” Canada….” Can we have that down here please! Also I’d like some of your Rogers Chocolites.

  24. 24
    SW

    Hahah except none of that happened it worked just fine! And thank private free market unregulated capitalism for that virus! nice try!

  25. 25
    SW

    “For fuck’s sake, it’s time to give up the infantile fantasies, get a grip, and grow the fuck up.”

    Come on tell them how you REALLY feel!

  26. 26
    SW

    Conservatives don’t want big government telling them what to do… unless it’s telling them what they can smoke, who they can marry, what a woman does with her own uterus… those are all things the government knows best and should dictate…

    But if the govermnent wants to oh I don’t know stop ENRON from stealing people’s pensions OH NOES thats “commu facism socialism ism ism ….ism..Scaryism!” (conservatives love to throw around scary sounding “ism” words don’t they) Everytime they do, we should yell “Oh no scaryism!” Somehow deflate the power of those meaningless buzz-words they scare each other with.

  1. 27
    ShortWoman» Blog Archive » Survival of the Shorties

    [...] the Conservatives: because government can’t do anything right? (Except for roads, education, sanitation, the aqueducts….) Thom Hartmann riffs on the same [...]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>