Gotta respect editors

As a college professor, I am pleased to see a site that monitors and evaluates the accuracy of our work. I speak, of course, of Blackboards in Porn, the site that proofreads the blackboards in the background of porn movies set in classrooms. Somebody has to do it.

Hang on…porn set in classrooms? That is the most unrealistic, unromantic, libido-crushing environment ever. I know — I’m the guy who manages to drive sex completely out of the minds of 18 year olds every day in my job.

Mullet’s revenge

All right, that’s quite enough. This religion business has exceeded its allowable silliness quota, and it’s time for it to just stop. An Amish sub-cult is attacking dissenting Amish. Dirty Harry, it ain’t.

In one attack, men are accused of entering a home Oct. 3 and telling 74-year-old Raymond Hershberger, a bishop in a Holmes County Amish community, they were there to talk about religious matters, Holmes County Sheriff Timothy Zimmerly said Tuesday.

After a few minutes of small talk about the weather, the men suddenly announced, “We’re here for Sam Mullet to get revenge,” Zimmerly said.

And then they shaved off Hershberger’s beard and restyled his hair. Not stated, but I imagine they all then jumped into a buggy and galloped off. My fevered imagination then adds a high-speed buggy chase with the bad guys firing blunderbusses at the cops, but I told you, this is too silly. Stop it right now.

Wait…Sam Mullet’s revenge is sending out thugs to give haircuts? I’m done. No more.

The Norwegians have pissed off the Muslims again

You know those Norwegians — fierce Vikings all, with no respect for the religious. The Students and Academics International Assistance Fund (SAIF) put up a promotional poster, and now the Iranian embassy wants to tear it down (Google translation).

You have offended the feelings of a great nation, said in the letter that SAIH has received from the press chief of the Iranian Embassy in Oslo, Mohammad Javad Hosseini.

I have considered their complaint (well aware that I have no status at all in Norway), and have concluded that…it’s a pretty nice poster. I’d like one.

Kim Jong-il might complain, though. I can live with that.

At last, they found an internet contest I can’t win

It’s stacked against me. They’re trying to raise money for Skepticon IV, and one of their schemes is a set of unreleashed cheesecake shots from the Skepticon calendar, which are obscured now, but donations will gradually reveal the underlying photo. Featured: Jen, JT, and…me.

Oh, man. They’re asking for donations to uncover my photo? I shall be forever unseen. I actually recommended that they do the reverse, and show the photo outright and take donations to cover it up, and we’d be done already. I was ignored! How dare they!

The Fermi paradox explained at last

The Fermi paradox is a question: if other intelligent alien life is present in the universe, why aren’t they here?*

Even if we postulate large numbers of aliens with the technology to visit Earth, we can now explain why they aren’t saying hello. We’ve been broadcasting idiocy into space.

During a recent conference that focused on the possibilities and implications of long-term space flight, a German professor made an attempt at applying Christian theology to extraterrestrial aliens, leading him to ask the question “Did Jesus die for Klingons too?”

We’ve moved so far beyond speculating about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. Now we’re wondering how many Jesii exist in the galaxy.

If other life forms exist in our universe, he said, we should try to understand why Jesus chose to save those from Earth over other civilized life forms from other planets.

Did God reserve his grace solely for Earthlings and abandon the rest of the intelligent creatures in the universe? If not, how did God deal with the sin problem on multiple planets?

One possibility he mentioned is that God-incarnate visited each of the civilized planets and saved each of the races that inhabited them separately.

In order for that to be possible, however, he says multiple incarnations of God would have to exist at the same time. Assuming each incarnation took about 30 years, and based on how long civilizations are expected to survive, he estimates that there would have to be approximately 250 incarnations of God present in the universe at any given time to cover the sins of each civilization.

So picture the poor bewildered aliens parked out there in the Oort cloud, proposing to send a diplomatic mission to Earth. They aren’t worried about us as a threat — star-faring civilizations aren’t going to be intimidated by a species that has barely been able to wobble a handful of missions to their moon, and is even rethinking their space program — but they are going to be considering the other implications of contact. “The humans…next thing you know, the Seventh Day Adventists will be knocking on our doors on Saturday mornings to hand out tracts; the Catholics will be building special schools and flooding our courts with Jesuits; and the Baptists will be telling us we can’t bezorp the paramales with our deedloids or we’ll burn in Hell. And their arguments will be so stupid. Scratch the contact mission, I don’t think we can handle the exasperation!”

And so the earth orbits alone around its star, abandoned and avoided by the more sensible species of the galaxy, like the creepy born-again Jesus-freak at school with the glassy eyes who you avoid having a conversation with because all he wants to talk about is the Bible. Damn you, religion! It’s your fault we can’t commune with the great minds of the galaxy!

*It’s not really a paradox. It’s an observation that can be explained by the idea that technological intelligence is very rare, and so widely dispersed that communication, let alone travel, between them is unlikely.

I get all the obsessive-compulsive kooks

Now I’m being warned to prepare for an “epic shitstorm” from some loony site because, apparently, I misrepresented Anthony Navarro, Jr. by quoting his delusions and threats at length. We’re supposed to get flooded with indignant trolls who will take me down. I haven’t seen any — at least, no more than usual — and I checked the traffic stats to see if there was an assault in progress, and nope, not even a blip. Anyway, now you’ve all got a heads-up. We might get an occasional whimper from them at some time in the future, but right now they seem to be busy enough scouring the web for derogatory comments from deranged nitwits about me (there are plenty!), and I suspect they won’t step out of their little hole in the web.

Aim for the stars, creepy guy!

Wow. It’s just like science.

I wouldn’t say I know all that much about porn. More than the average guy for sure but there is a whole other level of porn aficianado out there that dwarfs mine. It’s the guys who have been following porn for 20+ years and have tens of thousands of posts on sites like Adultdvdtalk and and run blogs about porn who are the real experts who have helped educate me. It’s kind of like what Newton said about standing on the shoulders of giants.

I’ve completely missed out on that kind of education — I’ve wasted all those years studying mere biology.

The weird cluelessness is compounded when you consider that Newton died a virgin, and proud of it.