The local theater has been running a nominally SF movie for going on two weeks, and I have been tempted. I do love a glossy, shiny science fiction action movie with spaceships and derring-do and all that, but I have resisted, for two reasons.

It’s a Roland Emmerich movie. He’s a hack whose every movie has been an insult to the viewer’s intelligence, and while I can enjoy mindless entertainment, I cannot stomach anything as stupid as the trash he churns out.

It’s called Moonfall. I saw the trailer, and I swear to god, the premise is that the Moon…falls…into the Earth. I’m a mere biologist, but I am educated enough in basic physics to know that the idea is absurd. The whole idea of the movie smacked me hard in the brain, erasing all desire to actually see it.

But then, a third reason to avoid it popped up in my browsing. The Moon falling into the Earth? Ha ha. Do you think that was idiotic enough for Emmerich? No it was not. Here’s more.

When the moon’s orbit is found to be getting closer to Earth, it sets off tidal waves, upsets gravity, and interferes with the atmosphere. The moon is discovered to be an artificial megastructure, rather than an organic body, that is hollow inside, with the Apollo 11 mission having discovered its abnormalities and kept it secret. It transpires that a hostile artificially intelligent nano swarm has been drawing energy from the megastructure’s energy source – a captured white dwarf at its centre – which is the cause of the moon’s destabilization.

A small team including John Bradley’s conspiracy theorist, Halle Berry’s NASA executive, and Patrick Wilson’s disgraced former astronaut, heads inside the moon with the intention of destroying the nano swarm using an EMP device. While there, they discover that the megastructure was built by humanity’s technologically advanced ancestors as a way of conserving life and repopulating after their AI became sentient and intent on destroying them. The trio learns that the moon – and other megastructures like it – was constructed and seeded with their ancestors’ genetic code as a kind of ark designed to seek out new hospitable parts of the universe in which to rebuild life. The nano swarm, we are told, is programmed to seek out organic matter in electronic environments, its primary purpose to seek out humanity and destroy it.

Did I just spoil the movie for you? Too bad. Tough. I’ve done you a favor. You don’t really want to see it anyway, do you? Unfortunately, someone read that script and decided to plop down millions of dollars to actually make it. The only question I have is whether it will out-stupid The Core.

Further spoilers: I haven’t seen it, and haven’t read any other plot summaries, but I predict that at the end our intrepid heroes will stumble across a techno-gimmick that abruptly and completely ends the threat, and everyone lives happily ever after. I don’t need to see it to know that. It’s a Roland Emmerich pile of shit.

I have learned the appropriate response to an invitation to a “gender reveal” party.

A mortifying disaster of epic, reputation ruining proportions was avoided by a Waterford couple after friends and family intervened to successfully reason with them, WWN can reveal.

Sarah and Michael Corkley (both 26) had circulated the idea they intended to have a ‘gender reveal party’ following the happy news Sarah was pregnant with the couple’s first child. However, the idea was labeled at best ‘a load of American horlicks’ and at worst ‘would you two eejits ever cop on to yourself before you ruin the Corkley name for generations to come’ by those closest to them.

“I flat out pretended I’ve never heard of that awful ‘reveal’ shite when they told me. I told them I’d march straight into the hospital and steal the scan and tell them the baby’s gender if they didn’t wise up,” Sarah mother Jackie explained to WWN.

I have no idea what “horlicks” are, but it sounds about right to me.

Unfortunately, I’ve never had the opportunity to turn down such an invitation, since my relatives, friends, and colleagues all seem to be level-headed intelligent people who would similarly recoil at the idea of putting on such a silly spectacle.

I’ve been getting a lot of email like the below lately. I thought I’d share it with you.

Hi PZ Myers,

Be still my heart. They spelled it correctly! Now I’m much more willing to listen to their pitch.

Following up one last time in case you missed my last email about partnering with our upcoming campaign for 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡, a bitcoin rewards platform!

Oy. Bitcoin. Well, they squandered that one shred of goodwill already. Fuck off and die.

🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡 gives you free bitcoin/money when you shop online like groceries, sneakers, tech, and more. 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡 is partnered with over 1,000 top brands like Nike, eBay, & StockX for up to 30% bitcoin back on your purchases! Some of 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡’s most recent backers include Mr. Beast, Cody Ko & Philip DeFranco.

That was useful information at least. I’ll be sure to never watch Mr Beast, Cody Ko, or Philip DeFranco, whoever they are — all I know at this point is that they must be assholes. Not into Nike or eBay, either, and never heard of StockX.

We’re looking for an integrated video on Youtube and/or Instagram Stories that will highlight the use and benefits of using 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡. We want to encourage viewers to download 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡 (extension & iOS mobile app) and sign-up for an account to earn free bitcoin on their everyday purchases!

If you’re interested, please send us your rates & media kit for YouTube / Instagram if you have them and we can send you more details about the collaboration. Looking forward to hearing from you!

OK.

Bwahahahahaha! Readers, if you suddenly see yourself inundated with 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡 ads (obscuring emojis will be removed once my demands are met), just console yourself with the fact that I’ll be in Mexico or Australia or the Brazilian upcountry (places rich in spiders) enjoying my retirement in wealth and ease. Maybe I’ll travel between all three! And New Guinea! And Nigeria! Oh the places I’ll go!

Did you get a valentine from Iliana? She’s been busy autographing them.

P.S. It wasn’t that long ago that I learned that she got her name from…a Star Trek episode. My daughter & son-in-law are great big nerds. I am so proud.

I just got back from my epic trek through the Arctic wilderness to reach the grocery store. This was an urgent emergency mission. See, here’s a pantry shelf:

You may look at that and tell me, “no, there’s no hurry here, you have plenty of cat food,” but you would be wrong. There is only one can of cat food there. Our cat will only eat Fancy Feast, and then only the seafood varieties, and no, none of that “gravy” crap, she only wants Fancy Feast Seafood Pate. Anything else, and she will walk away with a look of disgust, and will probably vomit all over the floor.

We’ve tried everything else. She is an extremely finicky eater.

I have been going to the grocery store for over a month looking for her brand, with no luck. That shelf is totally bare at the store, and has been for weeks and weeks. We’re down to our last can. When that’s gone…I fear there will be a bloodbath. I figure we’ve got maybe a week, perhaps a little more if I stretch it out.

If the blog goes silent next week, call the cops. Tell them to mobilize that stupid SWAT team and their tank that we’re wasting taxpayer money on, and bring the big guns, and be prepared before they open the door. There will be a berserker cat waiting for them.

It’s a little after 9am, and I have now completed everything: got this week’s lab set up, got tomorrow’s lecture prepped, finished a really cool book, and now the day yawns open before me, with lovely blue skies and -20°C temperatures. I think that means I can go take a walk. Get some exercise. Pick up some groceries. Breathe a little bit.

Only a little bit, though, because the student homework starts streaming into my computer by midnight.

Maybe I’ll tell you about the book later. Walk first.